Burning and aching as Seth used the Christmas present Roman had given him, knowing he'd need it eventually. A pocket knife that was now covered in blood until he got strength to clean it off and put it away. There was a new scar on his arms whenever he wanted to go back to his old life. But he never could, his old life was like a house that was only rubble from a bomb going off from inside it because of him. But he still had feelings and they wouldn't go away. They were ever present as he lived day to day, empty and hollow, an obedient dog to the Authority and yet he cried to sleep every night. He'd betrayed his family, his friends, his lovers. For what, a contract? What was to say that Hunter wouldn't fire him if he failed to cash in the contract and emerge victorious as the champion. What if he betrayed them for nothing? If his life was over because he lost his lovers, his only two friends in the world? What would happen if he ended his life? Would anyone care or would they continue on with their day? What if his heart never stopped hurting, aching for Dean and Roman? If he wasn't Dean and Roman's lover, then what was he? Who was Seth Colby Rollins if he wasn't standing by Dean and Roman's sides like the perfect little cheerleader he loved to be for them? What would happen if he killed himself because he couldn't stop hurting himself over losing a relationship that was safe and secure for him like his with Roman and Dean? What if he had no reason to live anymore? Seth broke down into tears, throwing the pocket knife across the bathroom and buried his head in his knees, silent sobs racking his body as he had a minor panic attack out of stress. He wished he knew what to do so Roman and Dean would know he was trying to apologize before it was too late.