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"Welcome to tonight's show! We've got a great lineup for you tonight! I'm sure we'll be creating some loooove and romance here on the Dating Game! But first, let's introduce our contestant. A medical doctor with a degree in forensic pathology, let's give a hand for Dr. Dana Scully!"
Hesitating only a moment, Dana stepped on to the stage, to applause and catcalls. The word 'why' was echoing through her mind like an evil mantra. Unfortunately, she knew exactly why she was here. She added a silent curse of Melissa's name to her internal chant. She attempted to smile at Chuck Woolery, despite the fact that she had always found him annoying in the extreme.
"Well, hello pretty lady! Hard to believe you've got a hard time finding Mr. Right!"
Choking back her urge to use secret doctor tricks to hurt him, Dana shrugged, hoping he'd just get this over with. She attempted again to glance at the pile of question cards she had been given. It hadn't really come as much of a surprise to her that the questions were pre-written, but she would have liked to see what drivel they were expecting her to spout with batted eyelashes.
"Well, we'll be right back after this commercial break to see if we can find a soulmate for this sweet little lady. Stay tuned."
A makeup artist quickly rushed to adjust Dana's hair and add more makeup. After a few half-hearted attempts to push the woman away, Dana just let her do her worst. Maybe no one would recognize her under all that blush.
The stage lights flickered in warning and the stage personnel ran back behind the scenes. Chuck pasted his trademark smile on his face and faced the camera. "Welcome back! Now it's time to introduce our bachelors. One of these lucky gentlemen will get an all-expenses paid weekend with this lovely lady. Bachelor Number One is an investigator from the FBI. Bachelor Number Two is a free agent working for a large corporation. Bachelor Number Three is a journalist who produces his own newsletter."
Dana was somewhat relieved to hear the occupations listed. At least none of the men were likely to be complete imbeciles. She was quite glad the format of the show had recently been altered to allow her to hear a little about the men she was questioning.
"Ok, Dana, it's your turn. I'm just going to fade into the background here, and you take over with the questioning. Remember, you could be talking to your future husband!"
'I really hope not.' Dana figured anyone desperate enough to go on this game was not someone she'd be interested in. Realizing the hypocrisy in that statement, she again silently cursed Missy and lifted the first card. Reading with a minimum of inflection, she began.
"Bachelor Number Three, you work as a journalist. If you were writing an article about me, what would be the headline?" Dana stared in disbelief at the card she had just read.
"Umm... She's Hot."
Dana shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Feeling objectified, she moved on. "Ohhhh kay. Bachelor Number Two, I'm a doctor. If you played doctor with me..." Dana stopped, hoping for a chance bolt of lightning to strike her dead. Swallowing her pride, she muttered "...what part of your body would you want me to examine?"
The audience laughed and whistled like they were on Jerry Springer. A loud voice cut in "Well, I've been having pains in my left arm since it was cut off. I suppose you could examine that."
Missing arm or not, Dana silently thanked him for not saying something crass. Moving quickly onto the next question before the audience could react further, she blurted "Bachelor Number One, you are in the FBI, would you want to investigate me?"
"That depends," Bachelor Number One said slowly. "Have you ever experienced a period of missing time?"
Dana wasn't sure whether to be glad that Number Three was the only pervert in the bunch, or scared of the other two. Just then, Chuck broke in. "Well ladies and gents, this is shaping up to be a real interesting show. Be sure to stay tuned during this word from our sponsors."
On the other side of the wall that separated the Bachelors from her, Dana could hear angry whispering which seemed to be quickly escalating. She was glad when the camera man cued them to begin again.
"Okay, we are back. Now, Dana, this will be your last set of questions before you make your big decision."
Mentally wondering if she could accept the consolation prize and go home, Dana straightened out her last three question cards. "Bachelor Number One, what are some of your hobbies?"
"I don't really have time for hobbies. I spend most of my time working, or looking for my sister who was abducted by aliens when I was little. That, and uncovering the government conspiracies perpetrated by evil flunkies like Bachelor Number Two!" The voice from behind the divider was growing excited and angry, and Dana quickly cut him off.
"Bachelor Number Two, same question."
"Well, as Bachelor Number One so elegantly stated, I'm 'perpetrating a government conspiracy.' Unfortunately, that doesn't leave much time for hobbies."
Dana was desperate enough to go back to the pervert. "Bachelor Number Three, same question."
"I like taking pictures of people through their windows."
Chuck laughed nervously. "I'm sure they are just teasing you, little lady. I wouldn't worry." He glanced at the producer, who just shrugged.
Dana looked at the next card and started muttering. She tried to subtly drop it on the floor, but unfortunately, the chivalrous Chuck picked it up for her. "Oops, almost forgot this one."
Sighing, she read, "This question is also for all of you. Where is the strangest place you've ever made love to a woman?"
"On top of Arthur Conan Doyle's tomb."
"In the bowels of a Russian cargo ship carrying an alien virus."
"How about right here on the stage, baby?"
Thankfully, Dana noticed she held the last question card. "Bachelor Number Three, I believe in equality. If you could ask me any question, what would it be?"
"You want to get funky after the show?"
Ignoring him, she continued. "Bachelor Number One, what would you ask me?"
"Do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrials??"
"Bachelor Number Two, what would you ask me?"
"Would you be upset if I told you I am finding myself sexually attracted to Bachelor Number One?"
"WHAT!?!?!" Bachelor Number One exclaimed. "Krycek, you lousy, lying rat bastard!"
Suddenly the barrier next to Dana came crashing down, as the one armed contestant was thrown into it full force by Bachelor Number One. Dana noted with some surprise that with the exception of the troll-like pervert still on his stool, her supposed "potential mates" were quite good looking. It probably was a good thing she had met them on this stupid game and discovered their mental instabilities.
Chuck tried desperately to separate the still fighting men. The audience was screaming for blood, and soon, all four men on stage were pounding, kicking, and gouging each other. With a little sigh, Dana turned to the audience. Finding Missy's horrified face, she yelled, "I tried!"
As she strolled off stage, a frantic stage hand came running up to her. "Are you ok, ma'am?"
He looked truly concerned, so she smiled at him reassuringly. "Don't worry, I won't sue. At least I can be sure this will never hit the airwaves, now!"
"Let me get you a cup of coffee, at least. It really is a shame. I'm sure they'll send you on the weekend trip, anyway..."
Looking at the sweet, handsome stage hand, Dana suddenly smiled. "I've got a better idea. Let's go get a drink."
The stage hand looked startled for a moment, but smiled and offered her his arm.
"So, what's your name?"
"Ed."
"Nice tattoo, Ed. Where'd you get it?"
-Fini
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