Here I Am
By: KozueNoSaru
Disclaimer: Yeah, if I were Ciro Neili and I owned Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go, I'd be...well I'd be a lot of things—rich, living in a cushy mansion, riding a silver Lamborghini with an XBOX 360 in it, sickenly beautiful, the proud and sensual Mrs. Jamie Foxx—the list goes on. But, I'm KozueNoSaru, and this fic is mine. Just not the characters I'm using. Pity, I would have LOVED to be Mrs. Jamie Foxx and have the cushy mansion…
Warning: Some brief (And I do mean BREIF) Language, a little OOCness, but I'm not perfect. Please read "Where Does One Turn?" to understand the circumstances leading to the following. Knowing me, it might imply something. (Points to her profile) I promise it's not! Please do not flame, sue or troll me. One more thing: Anything italicized beyond the passage below indicates thought.
Credit: To my beloved Craneswing, for the inspiration and for granting me permission to use this passage from her epic, though I don't think this is quite what she had in mind…Arigato, Cranes-chan! Inspired by the following dialogue in Craneswing's fic, "Beginnings" Chapter 23:
I am fine. I have to say, Chiro, what you did was completely reckless,"
"I wasn't going to lose you, Antauri,"
Antauri smiled up at him. "Chiro, you are my savior,"
Chiro smiled back and pulled Antauri in for a tight hug. "Even healers need to be saved,
huh?
Read and Review!
This one-shot is dedicated to Craneswing, for granting me permission to use her story for inspiration, for all her hard work and a congratulatory present to her for completing her epic "Beginnings" at long last
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Enough was enough.
I was having nightmares. Not the normal kind where monsters and mortal danger are involved and you're afraid that you'll never wake up. It was the kind of nightmares that you have when your loved one is hurting and you can't really do anything about their pain and/or frustration. The dream starts out okay: He's floating in mid-air in deep meditation, but every time I get close to him, the world around us would crumble and he would withdraw from my reach. I can't forget the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice, or how scared and confused he was.
To say that Antauri was the same when he got a new body would be for a lack of a better phrase, a bunch of bullshit. He's changed drastically; and not just in his appearance. He's been more secretive, more withdrawn and he insists on doing things by himself. Sounds a little like me when I joined the team. Maybe some of me transferred into him when I invoked his spirit into the new body…now, THAT'S a scary thought.
Still, it would explain the way he's been acting recently.
I had to talk to him. Okay, I needed to see if he was alright. I went to see him after the fifth day of nightmares. I remembered it late in the evening and everybody was occupied with themselves. I gave up on the Quantum Physic's homework Gibson assigned me (which reminds me, I need to construct that Gibson Translator Machine for his lectures) and decided to go visit Antarui. The door was opened, so I let myself in. There he was, floating in mid-air, deep in meditation. I sat on the wooden floor and waited for him to notice my presence in the room. His blue eyes flashed to life and he smiled. I knew that there was something bothering him, because I could sense it. He floated down and offered me tea. After a few sips, I decided to just flat out tell him.
"I'm worried about you, Antauri. You've been pretty distant lately. When we're not battling monsters and training us, you seal yourself in your room." I can just see his response a mile away. It would be the same excuse that I used when I got depressed.
"I am fine. I've had a lot on my mine as of late." He answered as he sipped the tea. "Was there anything else you came to see me for? Certainly, you did not come here for an old monkey's ramblings and hot tea."
I laughed in response, "You're not old, Antauri."
"Perhaps, but I certainly feel old, Chiro."
Now I was starting to get worried. He never referred to himself as being "old "before. Somehow, I had a bad feeling he was going to start saying he was obsolete and should be shut down. The look in his eyes was the same from my nightmares. Quick, Chiro, think before he has a chance to say anything!
"I mean it, you're not old. And don't even start to say you're thinking you're obsolete."
The look on his face was that of surprise and shock. As if I had discovered something. No offense, but Antauri was never good at hiding things from people; at least not for long.
"I don't know what you're talking about." He said in a whisper as he looked into his tea cup, as if to stall for an answer.
Okay, I was expecting him to lie about it to make me feel better, but I was not about to give up that easily.
"If you say so. Actually I came to seek your advice."
His face relaxed as I said those words. I hope he thinks we're dropping the subject.
"Ask away." He smiled, pouring another cup of tea.
I took one deep breath and decided to tell him the best way I knew how. I knew it was going to be a mistake, but now, I had no other choice.
" I have this friend…" I began as I sat the tea cup down.
"Chiro…" He began sternly. Crap, he figured it out. Damn that mind-link sometimes!
"Hold on! And he has issues. Lots of them—" I stated, staring him down. He returned my stare with the coldness he'd only give towards Sprx and me playing video games.
"Chiro." He stated again. I could sense he was starting to retreat, so I blurted out the rest.
"And he won't tell anyone what's wrong because he's afraid to put his own happiness and well-being first and concentrates on helping everyone but himself!"
"…That's not true—"
"—what hurts me the most is that he denies it!"
There's this awkward silence in the room as he stares me down with his deep-blue eyes.
He won't scare me off that easily. I've known him for two years; he can't intimidate me that easily.
"Come on, Antauri…you've always told us to talk out our problems. You said no more secrets between us." I pleaded.
His face was emotionless as I spoke. A real bad indicator that this conversation was going to lead to nowhere fast unless I spoke quickly.
"You've always listened to what we had to say, for good or bad. All I'm asking that you do the same for me. Please?"
It was quiet in the room for a long time before he said a word, probably from thinking really hard. He turned to me and sighed heavily.
"Alright." He say and begins to levitate.
A small victory for me, but it was still an upward climb on that emotional barrier he has.
I watch him float in the air for a moment until his attention was towards the window. Or more appropriately, the bird's nest that was neat his window sill.
"Have I ever told you about how fascinated I am with birds, Chiro?"
I decided not to answer, because I knew it would involve the question: "And this has to do with you how?" I've learned to somewhat interpret what he's saying through his allegories.
"Yes, I've been rather fascinated with birds for quite some time. I have recently observed a mother bird hatching her eggs and fiercely guarding her children. Perhaps if she were human, she would act like any other human mother or father would do. But, after her children are able to defend themselves and venture out on her own, the mother bird seems to be rather…lonely. It is if she can no longer serve any other purpose for her offspring but to grant more of them."
I tilted my head questionably, wondering where he was going with his allegory, but sat there and listened to the rest.
"I can't read her mind, but I feel as if I sense her loneliness, as if she feels that her children no longer can lean on her, depend on her. I sense that she is afraid, not of losing her children while they are still in the vital development of their lives, but she is afraid that she is no longer needed. It's rather…depressing. I wonder: who can she turn to for comfort, if she could?"
A light bulb flashed in my head, and I finally understood—even if only a little—of what Antauri was trying to say.
"You feel as if you're constantly trying to protect us and you feel like you need a break. You can't do everything, Antauri; and you shouldn't feel like you have to."
He gave me the weirdest look before he continued.
"It's more than that, Chiro. Everything I practice, everything that I was taught...the people that taught me such has...betrayed me in some sort of fashion. Even after all these years, it still hurts, and I constantly find myself asking if I am capable of such betrayal as well."
"But you're not them!" I said, "You have to be who you are now; not what the Veron Mystics taught you, and definitely not Mandarin's shadow."
His eyes were fixed into a cold stare "And how can be so sure?"
I returned his stare with my own, "For one thing, you're the one who's taught me about being a part of a team; a family. And that's something that isn't taught so easily. You practically hold this team together, even when we wanted to give up."
He finally floated down and continued to stare out his window. I grabbed his shoulder and forced him to look into my eyes.
"I'm not just saying that; I mean it. Yeah, we've probably wouldn't be standing here if it weren't for you, but you're forgetting that we're here for you, too; all of us. You gotta have someone to stand in your corner; it might as well be us." I said.
He casted his eyes down and I saw a small smile form on his face. Maybe we didn't tell him enough how much hew means to us. Hell, I can't stop saying it enough after the Dark Worm thing. I'm scared of losing him all over again like that.
I don't know what overcame me, but I felt the overbearing urge to try to comfort him. I did something I should have done a long time ago:
I held him. I took him in my arms and held him for what felt like forever. And you know what; it felt good. If he ever cried, this probably would have been the time. But, he hugged me back, which was still emotional in itself. After I let him go I saw his eyes lit up relief.
"Thank you, Chiro." He smiled
"Aw, you looked like you needed it." I waved off. Aw, crap…I'm blushing.
"You shouldn't think so lowly about your kind gesture." He said as he gathered his tea set to be washed. "There is power in a kind gesture…and an answer."
Oh, yeah, he's back…"Wait, let me help you with those." I offer as I gather up my saucer and cup.
"Don't you have an assignment that Gibson asked you to do?" He asked me in a joking tone of voice, raising his eyebrows at me.
"Antauri, really, can YOU do half that stuff he assigned to me?" I asked him plainly.
He turned his head around to see if anyone else was listening.
"You make a valid point. I could use some help after all." he trailed off as I laughed, followed him out the room and helped him wash the dishes in the kitchen.
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Later on that night, I found myself awaking from my sleep and went to see how he was doing. As I crept into the room, I pulled up a chair and sat next to his sleeping pod. At the very least, he looked more peaceful then he ever had been in meditation.
"You don't have to do that, you know." I heard him murmur in his sleep.
"I know, but I want to. " I sighed. "Besides, I couldn't sleep anyways."
He chuckled, as if he knew—no, I know he knew—the real reason why I was here at his bedside.
He's always been the one to chase away the nightmares; the one to comfort me when I was scared or upset. I think it's about time I returned the favor…So, for now, I'm going to watch over you when you need a break, Antarui.
In the window sill, I could hear the rustling of feathers as I noticed the mother bird nurturing her newborn chicks. I could have sworn there was a forlorn look in her eyes. But, it vanished as the cries of her children called to her attention. Sometimes, he thinks way too deeply into those things…but I wouldn't have him any other way.
The End