Connubialis Casus
A Harry Potter fanfic by: Steven Jester
Chapter 1: Wrong Turn through the Book of Weird

Notes and Disclaimers: Well, I'm deviling into the humor category yet again. This time I might have something… not going to give away anything just yet. You will notice that I am purposely making this findable by character as just Harry with no second character. There is a pairing but I want you to guess what it is. The only hint you're getting is that it's not cannon, so Cho and Ginny are out. This occurs at the beginning of fifth year so disregard HBP and Deathly Hallows and most of Order. I do not own Harry Potter, so please don't send me a summons! I wouldn't be able to pay you anyway.

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"Ah yes, the wonder twins… they do complicate matters don't they?" – Ellen from El Goonish Shive

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"Hermione, why exactly have you dragged me to an abandoned classroom with that huge book in your hand?" Harry asked while standing in the middle of what looked to be a spare Defense classroom.

"Please Harry; I want to try out this spell I found. It subtly changes your appearance for upwards of six hours. It's nowhere near as drastic as Polyjuice Potion."

"How subtly?" Harry asked sensing dread.

"Eye color, height but no more than fifteen to twenty centimeters, weight but no more than half a stone, hair color but nothing wacky like Tonks," Hermione said quickly, "really just enough so no one would recognize you."

Harry shook his head, "Fine, do I get a choice of what I look like?"

Hermione reread the passage then looked up. "Not that I can see."

"Joy," Harry deadpanned.

"Ready?"

Harry nodded and braced himself. Hermione read the passage a third time before turning to Harry and pointing her wand at him. "Dissimilis Effeminatus!"

A jet of pink light hit Harry square in the chest knocking him back about five feet into the back wall. Harry was then enveloped in pink light for about a couple of seconds before it cleared. Harry, meanwhile sat up and groaned, "Ugh… I didn't think it would pack a punch."

"Harry! Are you all right?"

"I didn't catch the plate of that lorry," Harry said shaking his head, "And does my voice sound a little higher than normal?"

"That could just be the spell's handy work," Hermione said helping Harry up.

"No, something seems wrong," Harry said as he stood. A split second later all the color in his face drained and he ran out of the room and down the hall. He turned into the bathroom ran into a stall and shoved his hand into his pants. "Oh bugger."

"Hey, lady! You're in the wrong loo! The girls one is next door!"

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"And that's the short of it," Harry said explaining to Professors Dumbledore, Snape and McGonagall. All three professors stood in Dumbledore's office mouths agape, staring at the newly feminine form of one Harry Potter. The unruly mess of jet black hair, stiff facial features and masculine physique of the young fifteen year old boy had turned into the shoulder length straight jet black hair, rounded face, and slightly curvy feminine physique of a fifteen year old girl. The standard identifiers of Harry Potter were still there: jet black hair, emerald green eyes, lightning bolt scar. Harry him—er herself—couldn't believe it either. One moment he was a guy with all the right trimmings, and now she was a petite, pretty girl with all the right trimmings. Ok, so she was a little small in the chest than Harry had preferred in girls, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Sitting next to the Girl-Who-Lived was none other than Hermione, who Harry was seriously considering pushing out the seventh story window. For her part, Hermione was acting like a repentant sinner awaiting judgment with her head down and tears running down her cheek. 'Damn it Hermione! Why do you have to look so sorry so I can't stay mad at you?! And why do my thoughts sound like my changed voice?!'

"Miss Granger, where did you find such a spell?" Dumbledore said once he regained control of his mouth. Hermione handed the book to Dumbledore who paged through until he got to the page marked. "Oh dear," he mumbled as he read the page.

"I am ashamed of your actions!" McGonagall started to say, "Both of you! Miss Granger for using a spell in a Class Two book! I recognize the title, Miss Granger, and I know that you don't have the clearance to just get it off of the shelves here or in any bookstore! And you Mister Potter—!"

"I believe the correct way to address Harry here would be Miss Potter," Dumbledore butted in quietly, "And Professor McGonagall does bring up a good point. A Guide to Deception and Disguise is a Class Two secured book by the Ministry because of the possible side effects of the spells contained within. Tell me Miss Granger, who got you this book?"

Hermione's face turned red with embarrassment before she said, "Tonks got it for me one day in Diagon Alley. I told her I wanted some light reading that might help Harry."

"Light?" Snape muttered quizzically looking at the heavy tome.

"Whether Miss Granger considers this light reading or not is not at issue," Dumbledore said with a slight twinkle, "However I do ask, Miss Granger, that next time you seek something to pass the time to come to either Professor McGonagall or myself. That way we can give you something a little less dangerous or be there to answer questions.

"Now we move on to the matter at hand. Miss Granger, do you know what spell you used?" Hermione slowly nodded, "Do you know that there are two versions of this spell?" Again Hermione nodded slowly a light sob. "Do you realize your mistake?"

"Yes," the poor girl said holding back most of her anguish, "I used Dissimilis Effeminatus not Dissimilis Masculinus! Using the opposite gendered phrase on someone changes the person's gender and the effect is permanent!"

Harry blinked her long lashes before saying, "Well if one spell changed me wouldn't it make sense that the other spell would reverse it?"

Dumbledore sighed before saying, "I'm afraid that it isn't quite that simple. When Dissimilis is used like this it warps your magic to an odd way. There have only been five cases of this since the spell was developed. If Dissimilis is used in either of its forms on you, the result will be fatal."

Harry saw the somber looks on the professors all around her and did the one thing she could do. She looked at Hermione and said, "It was an honest mistake. I'm not mad; thoroughly annoyed and upset yes, but not mad."

"You are taking this rather well Miss Potter," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eye.

"Too well if you ask me," Snape mumbled.

"Oh don't think that I don't want punishment," Harry said putting her hand on her hip, "I just know that there could be stronger consequences besides points and detentions thrown around. I don't want to press charges or expel her for an honest mistake."

"I tend to agree," Dumbledore said, "I deduct fifty points from Gryffindor on behalf of Miss Hermione Granger for her careless behavior in regards to a book that she didn't fully understand. I also am giving you detention, Miss Granger, with me for a week, where we will go into this book in greater detail." He said with a twinkle.

"Headmaster! I must object!" Snape said, "To her a study session with you is not punishment!" Hermione, proving Snape's point, started to dry her tears and gave the Headmaster a smile.

"I'm afraid, Professor Snape, that your objection is moot. This did not occur in Potions class, within your sight, involving your students, or in the dungeons," Dumbledore said smiling. "Now, Miss Potter, there are several legal ramifications for this change, more specifically: your name and your birth certificate."

"My name I can understand, but my birth certificate?" Harry asked confused.

"Your magical birth certificate will need to have an amendment attached noting that your gender was permanently changed by spell work. Your muggle birth certificate will have to be altered to show that you were 'born a girl' so to speak."

"I see; is there anything I'm going to have to do?"

"Well other than choose your new name and file the magical paperwork, no. The Ministry will handle your muggle paperwork for you and your magical documents including your amended birth certificate will be owled to you by the end of the week."

"Miss Potter is going to need more counseling regarding feminine behavior," Professor McGonagall said, "Once word that the heir to the Potter line is no longer male there is going to be several people looking for his—er her—favor."

"And the hearts of many a girl will be crushed, I'm sure," Snape said with a sarcastic tone.

"How soon do I need to choose a new name?" Harry said holding her tongue regarding the slick haired professor.

"Well, preferably before we adjourn as I must have accurate records, Miss Potter," Dumbledore said with a grandfather like tone, "You will find that the school register has already been updated with your correct gender regardless of the legal paperwork. If you have nothing coming to mind might I make a suggestion?"

"By all means Professor."

"I have it on good authority that your parents wanted to name you, if you were a girl at birth, Naomi Lillian Potter."

Harry thought for a second before saying, "Would it be possible for me to take two middle names?"

"Legally yes it would, although it is rather unorthodox. I, myself, have three middle names."

Harry smiled wide before saying, "Then I wish my new name to be Naomi Harriet Lillian Potter, and I'd still like everyone who I know casually to call me Harri."

Professor McGonagall smiled before saying, "That should be acceptable, Miss Potter. I would like to offer to you a session on weekday evenings so that you may be better introduced to this new world you are about to hit full force. I'm afraid that there is more to being a girl that what appears on the outside."

"Professor McGonagall, I'm going to need all the help I can get. There is no way I am going to forget fifteen years of being a boy overnight. I am sure that Hermione will be able to help too, as well as the other girls in our dorm."

"Well said Miss Potter," Dumbledore said, "Twenty-five points awarded to Gryffindor on behalf of Miss Naomi Potter for emotional maturity during a crisis."

"Might be the hormones too," mumbled Snape causing the three women in the room to glare at him.

"Now, Miss Potter I will procure the paper work required by the Ministry and have it ready for you to sign before dinner, however it is lunch time now so why don't we excuse ourselves to the Great Hall. Do you wish to tell your friends first before I let the school know or are you ok with me telling them now?"

"I'd like to talk to my friends first, you can make the announcement at dinner but I'm sure by then it's going to be all over the school anyway."

"That tends to happen with things surrounding you," Dumbledore said chuckling, "Now you may head to the Great Hall for lunch while I go over a few things with Professors McGonagall and Snape here."

Both girls nodded their thanks and exited the stuffy office. It took a couple of minutes before Hermione squeaked out, "Naomi, I-I-I'm—"

"Please, Hermione, call me Harri, and I know you're sorry. Like I said I'm not mad. However, don't be surprised if I start yelling and screaming at you once the initial shock wears off," Harri said jokingly.

Hermione chuckled, "Yes, I suppose you're right."

"Is there anything I should know right away, like before I make a fool of myself in front of the Great Hall? Well, more of a fool than I already am going to look?"

"Well you were standing the entire time you were in Dumbledore's office so I haven't noticed if you sit like a girl yet. With slacks on it isn't that bad but you should get practice anyway because you're going to have to wear the girl's uniform after today, girls always sit with their legs closed, especially if you're wearing a skirt."

"Right, legs closed, check." Harri felt a light blush form on her face as the thought of a guy looking at her with her legs open might be a bad thing. "I can understand that, anything else?"

"Well," Hermione looked around to make sure no one was around, "if you have an itch in a private spot, say your breasts or other places, you don't scratch it like guys do. That's gross for anyone to do but it's extremely unacceptable for a girl to do that in public."

Harri nodded, "Yea, I've noticed Ron doing that occasionally without thinking." She shuddered at the thought.

"Other than that I don't think there's anything that is crucial for you to know just yet. The guys will be in too much shock to start hitting on you just yet."

"Joy," Harri deadpanned as they rounded the corner and walked towards the large open doors of the Great Hall.

As they entered no one really paid any attention. As they neared the table some odd looks were sent their way by some of the people who were more observant. When they sat down most of the Hall had focused their attention on them and, in particular, the face on one Ronald Weasley was priceless. "H-H-H-Harry?" he asked as Harri sat down next to him.

Harri sighed, she knew this was coming. "Yes Ron, it's me."

Ron was still in shock but he slowly took his finger and went to poke at Harri's chest. Harri took notice and swatted hand away and crossed her arms over her chest, "Ron!"

"Merlin's Pants! You're a—"

"—a girl?!" Ginny said from behind her brother.

Harri sighed, "Yes, I am. All thanks to Hermione's curiosity." Hermione blushed, "Long story short, Hermione wanted to try out a spell that had both a male and female form, she used the female form on me by mistake and… well here I am."

"Is this permanent?" Ron asked still befuddled, "I mean—"

"Yes Ron, this is permanent. Harry James Potter as you knew him no longer exists. I'm now Naomi Harriet Lillian Potter, but please still call me Harri."

Ron promptly fell out of his seat and onto the floor in a dead faint.

"Well you are certainly not making an embarrassment of yourself," Ginny mumbled with a slight blush.

Harri rolled her eyes, "I'm still mostly lost with most of the intricacies of my new life but I figure it's not polite lunch table discussion."

Meanwhile two other girls sat across from Harri and Hermione, one tanned skin with long black hair, and one pale skinned with light brown curls. "We just heard from down the table! Is it really true Harri that you're now permanently a girl?"

Harri had the urge to stand up and show off her feminine figure to the two gossip girls but decided against making a huge scene, "Yes Lavender, I am."

Parvati Patil rolled her eyes before saying, "Maybe you'll make a better person now that you're a girl."

Harri sighed, "I'm sorry Parvati; I know I wasn't the best date for you last year."

Hermione's eyes grew hard before she said, "Listen, Harri's going to be moving in to our dorm so please don't make it too hard for her."

"Well I'm not sure about Parvati but I was just going to see what I could do to help," Lavender said with faux innocence.

Harri rolled her eyes, "Let's just take it one step at a time, ok?"

Parvati and Lavender shared a quick glance before Parvati said, "Don't worry Harri, we won't push too hard."

"Isn't Harri a boy's name though?" Lavender asked.

"Well I figured Harri could be a nickname of Harriet which I'm using as one of my middle names. If you didn't hear before my full name is Naomi Harriet Lillian Potter."

"I can understand Harriet, but Naomi Lillian?" Parvati asked.

"My parents would have named me that if I was born a girl. Lily was my mother's name."

"I guess that makes sense," Lavender said with a shrug.

"It is a nice name," Parvati said regaining some of her smile back.

"Did I mention I was sorry?" Harri said giving the Indian girl a sympathetic smile.

"Yes, but it doesn't hurt to say it again."

"Is this seat taken?" a voice said from behind Harri.

Harri turned and looked into the deep blue eyes and dirty blond hair of Neville Longbottom and for the first time had to remember to breathe as she realized that Neville wasn't that bad looking. Kicking Ron's stuff out of the way Harri said, "Yea sure."

The other three girls looked at each other and just shook their heads, Lavender giggling silently.

Neville took a seat next to Harri and smiled before saying, "Dean and Seamus are getting annoying with their rude comments so I figured I'd come down and listen to more pleasant conversation. The whole table knows by now by the way, Harri." All Harri could do was nod. "Where's Ron, by the way? I would think he'd be here to help you."

Harri pointed to the floor where Ron was just beginning to stir under the aid of his sister.

"Ahh, yea that I can understand," Neville said chuckling. "So you're going to move out of our dormitory?"

"There's no way I can stay there; it wouldn't be proper."

Neville rolled his eyes at Harri before saying with a chuckle, "Since when have you cared what's exactly proper?"

Harri blushed red while Hermione took charge saying, "Neville, you know that there are certain rules that Harri shouldn't break."

"HARRY POTTER!!"

Everyone turned to the doors of the Great Hall and noticed a rather ragged man with graying hair and an extremely annoyed façade. All the students in third year and above instantly realized who it was, as it was their old Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Remus Lupin.

Harri quickly grabbed her stuff, knowing that her father's friend had probably heard about her current predicament. "I'll see you all later!" she said before dashing out one of the side doors.

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Harri ran down the halls sprinting faster than she ever did as a boy, 'Must be my lighter frame.' She found out quickly that she was still being pursued.

"Snuffles!! Go fetch!" yelled Lupin before the sounds of the nails and paws of a rather large dog came following Harri's frantic running.

"Oh shit," Harri said as she turned down a random corridor hoping to lose what she expected to be Sirius's animagus form. It was no dice as she soon ran into a dead end before turning around and seeing the out of breath form of her godfather right behind her. "Hey Sirius," she said meekly turning her eyes towards the floor.

"Prongslet," Sirius said panting, "Aren't you going to hug your godfather?"

"Huh?" Harri said before being enveloped in a bone crushing hug.

"Oh Harri! When Dumbledore sent us a letter about what happened Remus and I were worried that you were scared for life or worse!"

"Whose idea was it to come here and scare me half to death? I thought you two were going to try and kill me not mother me!" Harri squeaked out Sirius continued to hug her to death.

"That would be my idea," Remus said catching up to the pair, "I admit I might have told Sirius it was a little direr than what it really was."

"As if losing your manhood isn't dire enough," Sirius said stepping back and looking at Harri's form, "But I must say, Harri. You do make a fine looking girl."

Harri blushed before saying, "Well yea, I'm not thrilled with the whole prospect, it's not like I'm dead or anything. It could be worse."

Remus stood deep in thought "Hmmm… I think Dumbledore's thoughts about Harri are correct. The spell seems to have compensated for her previous masculine instincts and replaced them with feminine ones."

"Like replacing male pride and chauvinism with female modesty and shoe throwing?" Sirius said.

Both Harri and Remus both looked at each other before saying, "Shoe throwing?"

"Long story involving my last girlfriend before the whole He-Who-Is-A-Pain-In-Our-Collective-Arse thing sent me to Azkaban."

Remus rested his face in the palm of his hand before saying, "The Fellows chick with the five inch heels?"

"No, the pretty blonde Edwards chick with that sway in her hips to die for." As Sirius gave himself a perverted grin remembering the good times with that girl he had to reflexively duck Harri's shoe.

"Dang it, I missed." She said with a smirk.

"Prongslet, I suggest you don't do that again," Sirius said smirking.

"Oh?" Harri said as she went and grabbed her fallen shoe near Remus's feet and slipped it back on.

"Because if you are anything like Lilly then I know where you're ticklish!" and the Azkaban escapee lunged at the seemingly defenseless girl.

Harri, having anticipated her godfather's lunge for her midsection, stepped to the side and watched as Sirius face-faulted onto the floor. Harri and Remus both chuckled before Harri turned to Remus, "Well, was this just a social call for my health or is there something up?"

Instantly both adults got serious, with Sirius standing up and straightening himself out. "Well, Prongslet, now that you have brought it up there is something that we're here for," Sirius said.

"Harri…"

END OF CHAPTER 1

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AN: Yea, the hanging cliffhanger… I know I'm evil. Read and review please! Those of you waiting for Royal Prerogative 13, well it's not dead yet so expect an update forth coming.

You're still not getting the pairing out of me yet. No matter how politely you ask.