it's these expressions

i never give

that keep me searching for a heart of gold

neil young "heart of gold"

.

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.

He's younger than her. Leia hardly considers herself old, but she looks at his boyish expression and bright blue eyes (Luke's eyes, she thinks) and it feels wrong. The Rebellion had aged her, emotionally and physically, and yet all of his treachery and darkness have left him young and unscathed.

But then she flinches away from him and years of serving the Empire flicker in his eyes and weigh him down.

"I don't want you here," she spits at him.

"You called me," he replies, fire in his voice.

Because he is fire, all-consuming and uncontrollable, and Leia is afraid of him.

And afraid that she might need him.

"Leia," he takes a step towards her and she feels trapped, she's on the Death Star and she's just a teenager, just a girl, and he's a nightmare come to eat her.

Leia regards him coldly, because she is not a teenager and he is just a man and nothing more. Nothing more. She looks in his bright blue eyes -her brother's eyes- and wonders, how can one man be so wonderful and fierce and awful all at once?

(Because he is like you and you are like him).

And everything begins to fall on her shoulders until she can't bear to hold them anymore. And she bursts.

"Why?" her voice cracks, "You were there, you were always there. You let them torture me, you held me back when they destroyed Alderaan, but you didn't care!" She's crying now and it's awful and she's shaking, like a toddler having a tantrum, "You didn't care until some farmer shows up and he's your son, your wonderful son, and I'm just-I'm just-just- Why? Why didn't you care about me?" Her sobs start to sound like howls and she's just a lost child, crying for attention.

"You are my daughter," Anakin declares fiercely, pulling her to him, "My absolutely perfect, beautiful, precious Leia."

She pounds her fist against his chest, trying to push him away, but (because he is like you and you are like him) he holds her tighter and she sobs into his tunic, until all her hurt and pain have poured out.

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.

"You infuriated me, you know," he says softly into her hair, "Always popping up everywhere, passionate about everything and lobbying for change."

"The feeling was mutual," she replies wryly, curled at his side and remembering those early days in the Senate and even before then, helping her father entertain political guests.

"An absolute pain," he chuckles, "You refused to loose, your mother would have been proud."

"What was she like?" she asks and smiles a bit, thinking of that night on Endor when Luke had posed a similar question.

"Brilliant," he says and can't keep the grin off his face, "Not afraid of anything, even the Emperor."

"I can feel her sometimes," Leia sighs, "Just impressions really, but it's like she doesn't want me to forget." She pauses and considers something, "Is she-"

"No," he cuts her off, his face momentarily dark, "But I'll find her someday."

She nods and burrows her head back into his chest.

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She hasn't forgiven him and she isn't sure she can ever forgive him. But he kisses the top her head and she sees fire in the warmth and passion of his bright blue eyes before he disappears back into the Force and she thinks that things will be okay.