This is my first story, so I apologize if it sucks. (I'm also using mobile ATM,so you'll have to wade through the bad grammar.) Some elements of this story is true. But I placed it in the eyes of Gamzee, in silent longing for Karkat.
Gamzee: Open journal
June 18th 4:45 PM
Sometimes you want something so bad. So badly that when you don't get it, it makes you miserable. It's like a nail driving straight into your heart, and a 5lb bag of sorrow down into your stomach. That feeling? it's called love.
And, it hurts.
But I could never admit it. Verbally, anyhow. It sounds so weak, y'know?
Anyway,
I would see him occasionally. And hell, we even passed by each other sometimes. He goes about his way, and I go about mine. I pretend to look preoccupied with my thoughts but he knows I'm just avoiding him. The first time, he expected me to actually say something or at least give a glance.
But I couldn't. Not after what I'd done.
Everything was in slow motion. Even walking past him, time came to a screeching halt. He looks up, I look down and we try to move against gravity. And in that moment I want to scream at the top of my lungs; "I'M SORRY!" Or scream that three worded sentence I could never say. But I'll look crazy if I ever did, and that's what got me into this mess.
And after that seemingly interminable moment, sound rushes back in. The harsh reality of the situation sets. Its the reality that we'll be apart. That unmistakable reality, because of me. Because of my actions alone. An all-consuming coldness accompanied by regret engulfs me and fills my body. Because I know the flashbacks will come flooding back.
That night I was drinking. That night I couldn't be controlled. I tried so hard, so hard. But it was impossible. I couldn't control my actions or my words. I spoke without restriction, indulged in actions beyond thinking. He saw the most intimate part of me. The raw core of my fucking being I've never shown anyone. And it scared me. I'm sure it scared him too.
And we've never spoken since.
He's moved on by now. I hope I can, too.