Story Title: No Happy Ending
Author: Forced Smile (Mai)
Summary: He'd been nearly killed by cannibals and watched the world nearly end countless times so it came to a shock to Ianto that cancer would be the death of him.
Authors Note: Okay so I've read a lot of Ianto death stories where he's been killed by an alien but I haven't read one where he died of cancer or natural causes, there might be one but I haven't come across it so I decided to write this. It's my first torchwood story so be nice…please. The writing might be all over the place but try not to be too harsh. I didn't specify the cancer because I didn't want to give wrong effects to a real cancer and offend people and I couldn't figure out what type of cancer a 27 year old male could have.
Okay so here we go. Enjoy J And I know the letters and end are a bit cheesy and rushed, sorry about that.
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Owen was the only one who knew.
After months and months of constant tiredness and falling asleep whilst he was at work, Ianto was convinced there was something wrong with him, it was only his fear that something really was wrong with him that made him wait so long to finally pluck up the courage to find a private moment and ask the doctor for a favour. He'd been sluggish and nauseas also, finding it hard to concentrate at times, and it took all his strength to hide this from the team, and Jack.
When Owen took his blood and ran some tests the worst Ianto had been expecting was he'd caught some sort of alien flu or that a certain species was living in his stomach. But when he went back the next day and seen Owen's grim expression he knew it must have been something serious. Very serious. He prepared himself for the worst but even this didn't protect him from what the doctor had to say.
"What is it?"
"Cancer"
Silence invaded the room for at least twenty minutes. Tears were building up in Ianto's eyes but he would not let himself cry, not here, not in front of Owen.
"I'm sorry mate" Owen said, breaking the silence as he placed his hand on Ianto's shoulder in a friendly, awkward gesture. "These things just happen" he continued, unsure of what to say, or how to say it. They weren't friends, not really, more co - workers, so when Ianto collapsed in Owen's arms sobbing, he didn't take into account this factor. He just held him until he had no more tears to cry, knowing that in the coming months Ianto would need all the help, support and love a friend could give.
The cancer had spread, and would continue doing so, throughout his body and there was nothing he could do to stop it. If it had been caught earlier, it could have been treated and Ianto could have beaten it, but because of his fear, in the next three to four months, Ianto Jones would die. His tiredness would get worse and his strength would weaken, his vision would become fuzzy and he would lose his appetite. Following that, it would be too much energy just getting out of bed in the morning, let alone working.
He blamed himself. If he hadn't been such a coward, he wouldn't be fearing his impending death. He was only 27 years old, he still had his whole life ahead of him, although as he worked at Torchwood that wasn't necessarily true.
He made Owen promise not to utter a word to anyone about his condition, even though he was sure that went without saying. He would tell the team when was ready, he would tell Jack when he was ready. He didn't want to pitied or looked after. He didn't want to be this pathetic person who depended on everyone for everything. He wanted to be remembered as strong until his very last breath.
He went home early that day, giving some lame excuse and ignoring Jack's questioning look. He collapsed into another flood of tears as soon as he stepped into his apartment, but he smartened himself up after a few minutes. That was enough of the crying, he didn't have time for it. He wiped the tears from his face and sat awkwardly on his bed, head in hands. What was he going to do? How and when would he tell everyone? Would he even tell them at all?
He thought of taking a leave of absence from work, he could die quietly in his apartment then leave a note saying his goodbyes and sorry to everyone. He shook his head, they all deserved better than that, but he couldn't bare it if everyone watched as he deteriorated day after day. Ideas and scenarios swarmed around in his head until he couldn't think any more, and fell back onto his bed falling into a deep slumber. After a nights sleep he decided he wouldn't tell them until it was absolutely necessary, when it was necessary would probably be on his death bed. They didn't need to know any sooner, they didn't need to be filled with worry for him over the next 4 months.
His condition became harder to hide over the next coming months.
He gave excuse after excuse to avoid field missions.
"I've got lots of paper work to catch up on"
"Just a little sprain in my ankle, no need to worry"
It was worse when he was with Jack and had to shrug off his advances.
"Not tonight, I'm tired"
"I should get home, more work to finish"
He loved the Captain, more than he thought possible. He knew Jack didn't return that love, he knew this was probably just sex for him and that he would always be second to Gwen. At most Jack probably cared for him. It usually dampened his spirits and made him angry at both parties, but after he found out about the cancer and his limited time left he knew being angry at it was useless and time wasting. He wanted to savour every moment he had left with Jack and the rest of the team, and he wanted more than anything to have one last time with Jack, one last kiss, one last morning waking up next to him but now sex was too much for him and kissing him would just remind him of that.
He knew the older man wanted to talk to him, ask him what was wrong, but every chance Jack got to ask these questions, Ianto avoided them and him.
As the weeks passed he often became dependent on Owen. Whenever he would loose his balance upon standing whenever the team were around, Owen would quickly be there steadying him, telling him to 'save hangovers for the weekend', when Ianto was too tired to work and told Jack he needed to go home as he was feeling unwell, Owen was there, driving him home and putting him to bed, and when Gwen or Tosh would ask Ianto to run down the street and buy what ever craving they had that morning, Owen went instead saying he needed to buy something anyway. These were all met with grateful nods.
"Thanks"
"Just doing my job"
Only that wasn't his job and Ianto knew that, and was thankful.
Ianto had always wanted his death to be sacrificial. Jumping in front of a bullet to save Tosh, pushing Gwen out of the way and receiving the blow, distracting whatever creature was after Owen only to be killed in the process. He didn't want to let some cancer eat away at his body while all he could do was wait. Wait until the cancer was done and all that was left was for him to die. Go into the darkness. Become a cold lifeless body on a slab. Would they still put him where all other Torchwood members went when they died seeing as his death was nothing torchwood related? He guessed so.
In the last few weeks leading up to his death Ianto continued working. His skin was pale, he was shaky, never left his desk and most days fell asleep there. Whenever questioned about this earlier he'd replied he had a stomach bug or a bad flu but when it became clear to everyone it was far worse than what he was saying he convinced Owen to tell everyone he'd contracted some sort of disease from one of the weevils and he was in the process of treating it, nothing fatal. He could sense Jack knew something was up, but stayed silent.
"When are you going to tell them?"
"Soon"
"Well soon better be very soon, you don't exactly have a lot of time left"
"I know"
He'd planned it all out. He would call everyone into the board room and tell them everything. Explain from the start what had happened and how he'd made Owen promise not to tell everyone, and how in a matter of weeks Ianto Jones would be no more. He knew there'd be tears from Gwen and possibly Tosh, Owen would stay silent and Jack would be angry at him for not telling him. When he'd done that he would no longer return to work and Owen would make him as comfortable as possible in his bed until his time would come. He'd already written four letters addressed to each of them, expressing feelings and thanking them. He'd asked Owen that when he died to hand them out to everyone.
He didn't get the chance to, for when he stood, with the help of Owen, to tell everyone, he fell back down and landed on the ground. Owen was by him immediately and knew his tiredness had merely become too much too bare and his strength was at it's limit just standing. Gwen, Tosh and Jack crowded round, worry in their faces. Once they'd carried Ianto to the sofa and covered him with a blanket, the team demanded to know answers and knew from the look on Owen's face he knew what was wrong.
"He's got cancer"
"What?"
"What!"
"What?!"
They didn't need to ask if he'd get better.
"Why didn't you tell us?"
"How could you not tell us?"
"This isn't just some tiny white lie he's keeping!"
"You should have told us!"
Gwen and Tosh took out the anger they had for Ianto's cancer on Owen. Jack didn't say anything, because he knew Owen wasn't obliged to say anything. He'd been Ianto's doctor, and didn't have the right to tell anyone of his condition.
"How long's he got left?" Jack finally cut in.
"Not long. I thought he'd at least have another few weeks but the cancer must have spread quicker than I anticipated"
When Ianto woke, he was met with the faces of Gwen, Owen and Tosh.
"You told them"
"Had to mate"
He nodded, which was followed by a cough in which both girls closed their eyes as if feeling the pain itself.
The rest of the day was filled with tears, some laughs and then the goodbyes. It didn't take a genius to work out Ianto didn't have a few weeks. Gwen kissed his forehead, face stained with tears remembering all their good times. Tosh kissed his cheek, face also stained with tears, now fully aware he was dying. Owen gave a smile and squeezed his shoulder gently no words needed to be spoken.
When Jack was sure everyone had fallen asleep, none of them went home feeling they needed to be there for their friend, he came out of his office and took a chair and sat beside the younger man, taking his hand in his own.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked quietly. "I could have been there for you, helped you deal with it" he stroked Ianto's hand softly.
Another person was being taken away from him by death and he would live forever to repeat the same cycle. He felt guilty. Cancer was taking Ianto away, he'd only lived for 27 years yet Jack would live on and death would never touch him. Could he bare to live the coming years without his tea-boy?
"Jack?" Ianto stirred, his eye lids parting the slightest bit.
Jack smiled at him, forcing the tears he was holding in his eyes to stay there. "Hey" he responded softly.
"I'm-" before he could even say the words Jack shushed him by placing his finger on Ianto's lips.
"You've nothing to be sorry for"
Ianto knew by the look in his eyes there was no point in trying to say sorry, argue that he was selfish and should have told them sooner.
"Is there really nothing but darkness?" Ianto asked, taking his time with the sentence.
Jack wanted to say that once you died, there was darkness but it was blinded out by the light, that your soul became at peace and you joined the loved ones who'd passed, but he couldn't, because even as Ianto lay dieing he couldn't lie to the man, so he didn't say anything at all.
"I'm scared" Ianto confessed after a few minutes silence. "Scared of what's to come, what will happen to me"
"Ssshhh, don't stress yourself out" His heart broke for Ianto, most people died expecting the pearly gates but Ianto knew there was nothing and that he would become a part of it.
He could feel it coming. Death was creeping up on him, trying to grab a hold, but Ianto wasn't going until he let Jack know. "I love you, you know. I really do and hopefully one day we'll see each other again" He knew he was being a bit full on but he was dieing he wanted Jack to know how much he meant to him, though his letter did that for him. He wasn't expecting an answer, maybe for Jack to nod and say 'I know' or say nothing at all.
Jack hesitated, was there really any point in telling him when he was about to die?
"I love you too" Jack felt ashamed that it had taken for him to be dieing to get him to
admit it to Ianto and himself that he did love him.
Ianto gave a small smile. Not because he was happy Jack had finally admitted his feelings, but because he knew Jack had only said it to give him comfort as he took death's hand. How wrong he was.
"No you don't….but thanks for saying it" and with that his hand grew limp, and his gaze frozen. If only he had seen the look of alarm in Jack's eyes that Ianto didn't believe his love. He cried and cried and cried until there were no more tears to cry. Ianto didn't believe him and it was Jack's fault that he hadn't. His actions towards the man had made him believe their relationship was just lust or like. He did love Ianto, he'd known he had for a long time but had been scared to say it for this very reason. That if he did, Ianto's eventual death would be even harder.
When the team woke, they looked over at Ianto's hand pressed to a tear stained faced Jack and knew Ianto had died. Gwen was the first over, then Tosh and eventually Owen. Owen closed Ianto's eyes and held onto Tosh's hand when he felt her shake with tears.
Ianto Jones died at 4.35am on the 15th April 2008.
It was three days later when Owen handed out the letters.
Gwen,
We only really got to know each other when Jack left, and I'm thankful he did. If he didn't I would have never gotten to know this kind hearted, brave and caring woman who thinks with her heart instead of her head. We both love the same man, I'm not going to ignore that fact but I can't blame you for falling in love with the wrong person. I did and it's the best decision I've ever made. I'll see you again some day, send Rhys my good wishes and don't let Owen make the coffee. Take care of Jack for me.
Ianto.
Tosh,
Surrounded by your computers and your science you rarely let anyone in, rarely let them see the vulnerable side of you because you know if they do they can use it against you and hurt you. Always professional. I respect you for that, I wish I was as strong as you. Owen will realize soon enough just how much of a great person you are, just like I did.
Ianto.
Owen,
I don't know how to thank you for all you've done for me these months. Without your help I would have crumbled. A lot of people have left you Owen and I understand that, but you shouldn't use that as an excuse to shut people out and cover your feelings with sarcasm. I consider you a friend now, and I just hope these past months have made me one in your eyes as well.
Ianto.
Jack,
I don't know how to say goodbye to you only that I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I didn't want to be pitied and treated like a porcelain doll. You've gave me a life I never would've had without you. You've taught and shown me so many things. I love you. There I've said it, wrote it and even though I try to believe you feel the same I know your heart belongs to someone else. I don't hate you for it, in fact I love you even more for not acting on those certain feelings. I will never forget you Jack, and who knows? Maybe one day you'll finally die and we can be together again.
Always, Ianto.
The letters left everyone in tears, Ianto was dead. He wouldn't be there in the morning to make them coffee, wouldn't be there to order pizza and wouldn't be there to help in times of need.
In time Gwen, Tosh and Owen would move on. Keeping one thing of Ianto's would keep him alive in their hearts.
Jack would regret his reluctance to tell Ianto sooner that he loved him, but would eventually realize that wherever Ianto was now, he would know of Jack's love, he would feel it and know that no matter who came into his life after him there'd be no one to ever replace that part in his heart for him.