Kankuro versus The Cow
"Grrrr, why now, why this? Why did it have to be this?" Kankuro hissed to himself kicking a rock with his foot, "I'm a jonnin and the Kazekage's bodyguard for crying out loud! I did not pass the chunin exams to be outsmarted by the likes of . . . You!" He growled pointing impetuously at a small Jersey cross cow that just stood and dumbly stared. The cow, Baagaa, chewed her cud and swat flies off her side with an absentminded whack of her brown tail. Kankuro hated this already. In his mind his only job was to eat the Hamburger Steak not yell at it while it still moved . . . Or mooed . . . Or looked at him like he was stupid.
"Moooooooove you cud chewer," Kankuro roared, as he waved at the beast. His arms at eithier side of his body making two perfect L's and the pointy eared hat that finished off his black outfit made him look like a bull baring its horns for the charge. Frightened Baagaa bolted in the opposite direction away from the mean looking makeup man and, of course, the barn. In his fit of rage, Kankuro stomped his foot, threw down his hat, and wondered how he got into a problem like that.
(Flashback back at the Mission Room in Suna)
It was only a short while ago when the Sand Siblings, Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari, were at the missions desk in Suna listening to ninjas come in asking for missions and Civilians coming out after requesting for ninjas. Gaara, his stoic red headed little brother leaned at his spot from at the wide round desk while listening to some long winded weather faced rancher talk about cows. Kankuro's eldest sister Temari was trying to hold back the giggles so much even her four pony tails shook. The blonde girl found it so cute that Gaara, who used to spend weeks even months without sleep was sawing Z's in about two minutes of listening to this rancher talk and talk and talk. Kankuro was busy fingering wax out of his ear and staring skyward. Once you've heard one civilian talk, you've heard them all.
"We need to get one or two temporary ranch hands to help with a few cows." The rancher, Ringo drawled, "It's nothin' majah sir. Just a bit of milkin', and checkin' up on Baagaa. We have to take Kukki to the butcher. I mean you ninja folks know how to milk cows right?"
Cue the silence, Kankuro barely coughed in reply. Gaara stared at Ringo, oblivious to the fact that Temari dropped her giant fan. All three stared dumbly at the rancher for another forty-five minutes. Ringo, exasperated, stomped up to the desk and slammed his weathered palms on the desk causing the assistants on either side of the Kazekage to bounce.
"WE JUST NEED A BABY-SITTER! IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK!" Ringo roared. Gaara nary moved a muscle, since killer ninjas were a lot more terrifying in his opinion than a quick tempered rancher whose name meant either apple or bringer of peace.
"Heh . . . Baby sitter," Kankuro snorted not paying attention to the fact that as the Kazekage's brother and big brother at that his actions were going to get him into a world of trouble, "Ninjas baby-sitting some Hamburger Steak that moos? You're off your rocker old man. We don't have any ninjas here to baby sit a stupid cow that's D-rank manual labor stuff. Genin work."
"Listen boy I know you usually have some Jonins or at least someone that knows what they're doing to watch them little Genin kids, but personally the only manual labor I think them can do so far is repairing fence or little things like that. I'm not going to have kids endanger themselves by getting run over by a sixteen hundred pound 'Hamburger Steak that Moos'. Besides, Baagaa is worth a fortune! She's the only Jersey cross you'll find this side of Suna, unless Long Horns strike your fancy. You like hamburger steak or not kid."
"I'm not a kid!" Kankuro blurted matter of fact wise, "I'm eighteen and yes I love Hamburger Steak. What ninja doesn't?"
"The previous Kazekage never seemed to like it," Temari chimed in, but not before smashing her fan on Kankuro's foot for his outburst.
"Ow, Dad doesn't count, anyone who hates a burger is evil!" Kankuro hissed.
"So will ya do it then?" Ringo asked.
"Just. Say. Yes Kankuro," Temari threatened, "Your. Actions. Are. Reflecting. On. Us. all here."
"Yes Kankuro, yes Kankuro," parroted the middle brother Kankuro mocking Temari's voice with his hands, "Say yes to what?"
"Will Kankuro be enough to babysit Baagaa?" Gaara asked, his voice as raspy as the desert wind. Kankuro's jaw dropped in protest but Gaara's upraised hand stopped his elder brother from saying a word.
"He's perfect," Ringo stated, "Kankuro . . . You're hired."
(Now returning to Kankuro's Bovine Challenge)
Kankuro wiped the sweat from his eyes after realizing one thing. It was his fault to begin with. Yet, being the tough guy that he is, Kankuro abhorred admitting a mistake. He didn't want to do this. He absolutely did not want to do this. He would not, could not do this. Baagaa went back to grazing.
"Hereeee Baagaa," Kankuro crooned through clenched teeth, "Get over here you stupid Burger!"
Baagaa just stood there and stared and stared . . . And if that wasn't enough she stared some more. Kankuro had enough. He fished for his cell phone and dialed a bunch of numbers.
"Please wait for the music while you're party is reached," spoke the phone, It played about thirty seconds of Johnny Cash music before the person picked up on the other line.
"Moushi, Moushi, this is Apple Ranch, Ringo speakin'" drawled the rancher.
"Yeah Ringo, this is Kankuro," Kankuro answered while his insides buckled over at the thought of having to ask for help, "I've been standing in front of your cow for four hours, four hours, and I still can't get her to move!"
"Have you tried walking baa-hind her and herding her to the gate?" chuckled Ringo, "Hello? Eh Kankuro, are ya still there? Hello?"
Kankuro dropped the phone after realizing the obvious. How much easier it would have been to get Baagaa to go to the barn. He did as Ringo said. Sure enough, Baagaa moved making a bee line for the barn. Kankuro still wanted to kill that cow. To him those cows were only good for one thing and one thing alone. That was for meat; specifically Hamburger Steak, Hamburger Helper, or those little noodle toppings at Ichiraku Ramen.
Author's Note: I sincerely hope you guys got a good laugh out of this. This is actually the first story I've ever done in third person featuring Kankuro so I hope I stayed in character. Inspiration for this little story comes from my own foibles working with my grandparents' cattle. I tried looking up names that would be good to name a cow until I found the word "baagaa" the Japanese word for "Burger." The name seemed to fit. Since Kankuro's favorite food happened to be hamburger Steak, I decided to see how he'd do versus the real thing. As far as Ringo goes, I decided just to give him a western drawl and a short fuse. In Japanese Ringo means "Apple, Bringer of Peace" so the irony just seemed perfect for the story.