Title: Soi Fon and the underwear affair
Rating: G, humour
Pairing / characters: Soi Fon, several shinigami captains
Word count: 638 words
Warnings: Not much… I don't think
Summary: Soi Fon goes hunting in Sereitei
A/N: giggle I wrote this at work. I think my boss is still wondering what I found so funny. I mean, there's nothing funny about paperwork at six o'clock at night…
Death.
No, death was too simple.
Murder.
Interrogation via torture. (she was, after all, the captain of the mobile corps.)
Disembowelment.
Burning.
Even suicide was beginning to look like a good option.
Cheeks as red as the lacy underwear fluttering gaily from the top of the flagpole, Soi Fon considered and discarded a thousand possibilities of Imminent Death to all involved before stalking off in the opposite direction.
'Don't look at me, I didn't do it.'
Calm as ever, Shunsui regarded Soi Fon over his sake cup.
'You're the ladies man, Kyouraku Shunsui! It had to have been you!'
'Calm down, Soi Fon,' Shunsui scolded mildly, privately enjoying the sight of her heaving bosom.
'Calm… calm… how dare you!' Soi Fon shrieked. 'I want answers, Kyouraku! Answers! No one makes a fool of me and gets away with it!'
'We could always blame it on Nanao-chan,' Shunsui suggested.
'Useless fool,' Soi Fon snarled, and stomped out.
'Who was last seen at the seen of the crime? You. Who was the only one sober enough to walk in a straight line? You! Therefore it could only have been YOU!'
Soi Fon slammed her hands on the table and subjected her victim to a ferocious glare.
'Tell me the truth!' she hissed.
Jyuushirou stared at her. 'I have no idea what you're talking about.'
'My…my…my…you know, you were there!'
The frown cleared. 'Oh. That.'
'Yes, that! Do you deny your involvement?'
'Of course I do. As you say, I was sober!'
Soi Fon scowled. 'Damn it.'
As she walked out, Jyuushirou glanced at Rukia.
'Don't look at me like that, I didn't have that much sake.'
'You had enough, Ukitake-taichou,' Rukia said darkly.
Kisuke sighed. 'Soi Fon, I don't think I was even there. Besides, why are you coming to me first?'
Soi Fon had the grace to redden. 'I went to Kyouraku and Ukitake first, actually.'
A gleam of amusement, well hidden beneath the hat, lit up Kisuke's dark eyes. 'Looking for the usual troublemakers, huh?'
'Something like that.'
'Well, don't look at me. I wasn't even in Sereitei at the time. But… you could try Abarai. I suppose he was there.'
'…'
'What?'
'I… don't remember,' Soi Fon confessed painfully.
Renji clung to Byakuya's knees, quivering.
'She… she… she… threatened to castrate me,' he whispered. 'She threatened me with things I never thought ya could do to a man…'
Soi Fon glared at Byakuya. 'You make him tell me who the guilty party is, or I'll destroy you and your division will be captainless for an eternity.'
Byakuya snorted. 'I refuse.'
Matsumoto blinked at Soi Fon.
'Really?' she asked interestedly. 'I didn't know your tastes were so… diverse. I pictured you in a thong myself.'
Soi Fon went purple with shock. 'You insolent little – '
Matsumoto flapped a hand. 'Oh, don't panic. What colour were they, by the way?'
'Red,' Soi Fon muttered.
'Interesting. Sorry, taichou, I don't think I can help you, but now that you mention it, there's this little shop in Karakura that sells the most adorable –'
'Stop! Just… stop!'
'I'm sorry, but I thought –'
'I don't want to hear it!' Soi Fon yelped, fleeing the tenth division as fast as possible.
Madarame and Ikaku hid on the roof of the eleventh division, cackling wickedly as Soi Fon stalked from division to division.
'Think we should tell her she did it herself?'
'Nah.'