This is my first fic and is really just me letting out some of my own feelings. This has not been beta'ed and so grammar and spelling mistakes should be expected. I'm not the greatest writer in the world since I'm not good with words and tend to go in circles when I talk. But please review and maybe I'll put up an altered version where everything isn't as confusing.

Spoilers: Umm…general Season 2 and 3 spoilers I guess.

So um here it is. Enjoy.

When did I get so good at this, I wondered. All this hiding. No one seems to be able to see through my smile. When did I get so good at this? This hiding, this lying. All behind my smile. Even now I wonder how no one seems to notice what's behind my smile. No one can see through my lies. Not even Gaius, whom I thought knew me the best. Not even Arthur, who I spend most of my day with and who is on the receiving end of my smile the most. I'm breaking. I'm cracking. Every night I cry myself to sleep, yet no one seems to notice my tears.

I'm sick of this. All this hiding, all this lying. I can't help it. I can't help but wonder when lying became such a part of my life that even I can't tell the difference between truth and lies. It's all so easy to smile and say that I'm fine, yet be breaking inside. I don't remember when it became all so easy to lie. Is it after the time when Freya died in my arms? I remember laughing off Arthur's concern. Or is it after when I had to betray my friend to save a kingdom? The guilt almost tore my apart, yet no one noticed underneath my smile. When did it get so easy to hide behind this bright smile?

I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm falling apart and there's no one to pick me up. I'm afraid that I'll be so far gone that I'll leave Arthur and our destiny if someone offers me an escape. I'm afraid of Morgana taking advantage of my pain and making me leave Arthur unprotected. But no one notices, and no one offers me comfort. The only one who understood died in my arms all those months ago. The first person who had come the closest to seeing through my smile died in my arms a little more than a year ago.

I'm breaking and I can't help it. There's no one to help and comfort me, and anyone who tries I push away. I can't help it. I'm afraid that if I open up, I'll lose them. I'm tired of all the lies. I'm tired of hiding. But yet I still do it. I can't help it. It's all become so natural to me. I can't remember the times when I didn't have to pretend, the times when my flimsy armor of optimism was reality, the times when my smiles were genuine. I can't remember the times when I didn't have this many things to worry about.

I worry about my life, about what would happen should anyone discover my magic. I worry about the grief and pain that threaten to break through. I worry about the safety of my friends. I worry about their state of mind. I worry about all of them and there's no one who knows me well enough to worry about me. Gaius is concerned, but he doesn't know half of what I feel. And I can't tell him. He has enough to worry about without me and my problems.

I'm sick of lying and I hope that someone will be able to see through my lies before it's too late. Before I do something that I'll regret, because I'm breaking inside, and I can't seem to stop it.

So what did everyone think? Should I edit it and make it less confusing? And should I add some other chapters from Arthur's and Gaius's POV? Maybe someone else's? But either way, reviews, critics, and suggestions on improvements would be greatly appreciated!