She likes to laze the day away. It is the subject of much teasing, but I always relent, bestow a tender kiss. "I'll see you when you wake up…perhaps tomorrow?" My gentle taunting earns me a drowsy playful swipe.
On mornings like this, when the sun has barely crept in through our sheer curtains, I often take a quiet peaceful walk. The flowers greet me, the trees as well; their excited tremble rolling over me in waves. "Good morning," I brush each one of them in turn; caress the delicate skeins of life.
"You are fairly lucky it is only I that is around to hear this. Or they may all think you that bit more mad." My grin almost surpasses his; this ritual almost as old as life itself. "All the best people are." He flips over in the air on his belly, floats beside me. "So, how is she doing, love?"
I sigh and bite my lip, this topic of conversation infinitely sad. "She is fine, Chess, as much as she can be. But I can tell she misses them all."
"That's to be expected." He belly rolls again, coming up so that he can float backwards and face me. "You think that she regrets her choice?" His yellow eyes stare at me unblinkingly; there's nothing that they ever miss.
"I don't know, Chess. Maybe. When it comes to Alice, I feel like I don't ever really…know."
His tail busses my cheek, his form of comfort, even as I see that he's about to speak a truth. "None of us really know, Mirana. Each one of us can only truly gauge ourselves."
"Of course," this time I sigh; it comes out heavy. "But it has gotten to the point I am afraid to look."
"That bad?" It comes out as a gentle rumble.
"I am scared." He is the only one I'll ever tell this. "What if…" I struggle to push the words out, "she chooses to leave?"
"Then there'll be no more, Alice, Mirana. But Underland will always remain in need of queen."
"And what if I am not enough without her?"
"You have never failed us before."
"We both know that's not true." We glide along in silence for a while, remembering that dreadful day. Well, he remembers only that one - no-one but me is privy to them all.
"That was not your fault; you cannot dictate another's action." His grin turns sly, "And do you regret who it has brought?"
My lips curl into an involuntary smile, "Of course not." It dies, "It is why this scares me – the restlessness that grows inside her every day."
We come upon the hidden path; he pauses, knowing no-one is granted passage to my private domain. His grin is wide, it always is, but this time tinged with sadness. Like me, he chooses not to speak. It's not that neither of us has words to utter, he's simply aware that I know the truth. And with that knowledge comes a certain burden; one that cannot be lightened by a word. A final ethereal brush and his body disappears; then the unblinking eyes, then finally the grin.
I smile; the thorny vines, the weeping cherry trees part ever so gently, I curtsy my thank you and step into my hidden spot. Having found the solace of this place by accident, as a bashful child, this is where I've always hidden from the world. The tiny brook babbles its greeting, the chirping birds their song; I feel my heart lighten immeasurably as I gracefully float down to a stone.
Lost as I am in contemplation, the expectation I will never be disturbed, that it startles me completely when some time later I hear a single word, "Mirana." Whirling round, a stifled cry of surprise escaping my lips, I slide sideways on the rough edge; lose my balance, ungainly fall. Except her gentle arms are there to catch me before I plummet, the way she's always there for me every time.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." Wrapped in her tender strong embrace, I feel a soft kiss brush my lips.
"T-thank you," my voice - my soul trembles with so many emotions, "It is not your fault. It's just...no-one else has entered here before. How did you find this place?"
"I'm not really certain. I was looking for you and I saw the foliage just kind of…part."
I sigh, if I had ever needed proof, I have it – that Alice forever holds a piece of me - my heart. The nature of Marmoreal is magical but even I did not know it could see to what's within. I wonder then, what other secrets it has ferreted, what ugliness has it observed ripple inside? As if in answer, the trees rustle ever so gently, the branches lower; delicate petals soothingly caress my skin.
Alice laughs even as she squirms, "That tickles," and my hungry eyes imprint the image in my mind. I file it away, add it to my kaleidoscope; something to gaze at, to keep me from starving, when she is gone. As always, she reads my mind perfectly; sometimes I think she sees much more than I, an infinitely older soul. Her smile falters but this bolsters mine; it's time for me to lend her all my strength.
"Alice –"
"Mirana –"
We speak together. Stop. Nervously laugh. Then blush.
"A-after you, y-you are the queen," Alice stammers timidly.
"When is it that you'd like to leave?"
She pales in surprise, opens her mouth several times. Then as if the words won't come, closes it again. After a while, when the silence is almost physically painful, she draws a breath and utters, "How did you know?" The brown of her eyes is muted, shimmers; even as she shatters my heart, I move to enfold her in my arms.
"You've never belonged here, Alice. Not like the rest of us. You were always meant for so much more than this." Much more than me, I long to whisper, but even a queen has limits to her strength. "Your stay with us was temporary. Just as this setting around us – your own solace from your world. But our lives cannot be spent in hiding, Alice, no matter how much we long to burrow from its grasp." From ourselves; another thing that I don't mention, it is better that she doesn't know. It's not my place to teach her such a lesson - not anyone's; this is something she must discover for herself.
"What if I can't come back?" Her voice is mournful. It is the murmur of my heart.
"Then for as long as you remember us, let us be the memory you cherish in your thoughts."
The first drop of liquid soaks my shoulder; a stain that I already know will never wash off. I hold her tighter, silently tell her of my affection; again, so painfully aware it's not time for words. I love you, I've always loved you, always will do. Long after you are gone. Pulling back a little, I smile, brush away her tears; at once both devastated and most relieved that she will never know.
The potion is already in my pocket, I've carried it around with me for days. My hand dips in almost of its volition, extracts the vial; proffers it forth.
"Do you –" The words hitch in my throat, I'm so afraid.
"No," she shakes her head, "please stay."
We both step back – a tiny movement, and yet so suddenly there's now a gulf. Of timing, fate, emotion, circumstance – those things that separate us all.
Her smile is tremulous but it is there nonetheless, and my heart gladdens a little seeing how she tries. She is a most wondrous individual, this Alice – I cannot ever regret the cause of my most agonising ache.
"I'll always remember you." She inhales the liquid in one gulp. "I won't be able to think on anything else."
"You will forget me, Alice," I give a most heartfelt reassurance. It is the truth, "Like we forget all that has come and gone."
Yet even now, as I can see her slowly fading, she finds time to grant her own – one last surprise. Cradling my hand, she bridges the gap between us until her mouth is near to my ear. She whispers, "There are some things that you never forget, Mirana." Moving back till our lips are just a hair's breadth apart, she finishes, "Like your very first - your only love." Their ghostly journey complete, her lips alight on mine, though now they are mostly but mist.
I close my eyes, inhale her presence, and when I open them, she's gone. And even as sorrow overwhelms me, the lingering strength of her conviction, her love, that unlike me she has the courage to voice, sweeps through me.
I smile my new found certainty – she will return.