Warning: Deals with major character death.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything other than the grammar mistakes.
Effy
You can do anything you set your mind to. Well sorry Benjamin Franklin, but I'm calling bullshit on that one. And to any of you who agree with him, try setting your mind on bringing someone back from the dead. No matter how much you want it, it won't happen. It won't fucking happen unless you're bringing back Jesus Christ although I say bullshit to that too. I just lost my best friend and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that.
Naomi's death is just another one of the inevitable endings to true love. Emily and Naomi were meant to be together forever. Who fucking knew forever ended at age 21? Love doesn't last. Only a select few will stay with someone forever and the majority of the time it isn't even because of love. People stay married for the kids, or for the money or for the pure fact that it's all they know. Love is useless, it makes people do stupid things when in the end, fate is still the same.
Sid went chasing Cassie in New York only to find out she killed herself. Tony supposedly loved Michelle but went off to University and fucked a small army of both girls and boys. My parents' pathetic relationship was based off of lies. Thomas and Panda didn't make it passed their freshman year at Harvard together. JJ and Lara broke up. Chris died. Freddie died. Naomi died. Love hurts. Love tears people apart. Love kills.
Want more proof of how the bad outweighs the good when it comes to love? She's lying in my arms, in the form of a small, broken, trembling Fitch. She's been crying for what feels like days. Maybe it has been. Maybe it's been hours, maybe only minutes. I don't have a fucking clue.
I feel lost. Naomi kept me steady, she didn't put up with any of my bullshit, but she also showed me such kindness. She's so much like her mother although she'd never admit it. Some people think the two of us are alike and in some ways we may be. But in many we aren't. Naomi has a huge heart; mine is barely there. Naomi has a love for life, I just drift through mine.
Most importantly, Naomi believes in love. Well believed I guess. Now she doesn't believe in anything, she isn't anything. She is only dead. She was, they were. It doesn't sound right. It isn't right. It isn't fair, but what is. This is what the fucked up thing called life likes to give us. Twists and turns that feel like a knife to the heart.
The small girl in my arms finally stops shaking and her sobs transition into sniffles and snores. It's going to be a long night. And this is just the beginning. The beginning of the end. I don't know how things will ever be fixed. Nothing will be okay again. And I'm not prepared to deal with any of it. But I have no choice. I have to be strong for her.
I wish I could steal her pain, she doesn't deserve it but I do. I deserve her pain, my pain and then some. It doesn't work that way though and she's going to have to deal with this as well. I can never take it away. The pain will always be there and that thought is terrifying.
I begin to panic. I can't handle this. I won't be able to survive this. I don't know what to do. I feel the overwhelming desire to run. To get away from here and never look back. I want it all to go away, to disappear. Then I realize that there's no running away from it. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, Naomi is dead. Naomi is dead. Naomi is dead and she isn't coming back. I rush to the toilet and empty whatever is in it, probably just a shitload of vodka and cigarettes.
There's a soft hand rubbing my back while another holds my hair and a sweet voice, raspy from all her crying whispers that it's okay. But it's not and we both know it. Nothing will ever be okay again. She takes my hand leading me down into my kitchen where she puts on a pot of tea. It's wrong, she's not supposed to be taking care of me. I'm supposed to be the strong one. She lost more than I did today.
"We have to take care of each other now Eff. We both lost a huge part of our world today," it's unsettling how easily she seems to read my worries, a task no one has been able to accomplish since Tony. There are too many other things going on for that to really bother me right now. I look up only to realize she isn't with me anymore, and I hate the way that my heart clenches while she's away. I immediately feel a sense of dread because I feel abandoned. She left me, like everyone else. Then I worry about where she's gone and what's she's doing. I know what I may do if I was in her position and it isn't a fate I want to even consider for her. I don't;want her to do anything stupid. I want her here with me. I need her.
In a panic I rush out the door and start running down the street hoping she couldn't have gotten too far. It's fucking freezing out and it must be almost morning because the sun is about ready to rise. It feels so wrong. The sun is mocking me. The world is going to continue like it always has, like a catastrophe didn't just occur. Like some people's lives are basically ruined, like things haven't just changed forever. Almost as quickly as I started looking I stop. My body falls against the wall as my feet drop from under me and I fall hard onto my ass. I have no strength. No strength to move, no strength to move on.
I wake up to soft hands and a desperate voice, "Wake up Effy, wake up you bitch, you don't get to do this to me." I blink once, twice, three times and each time I see the face clearer. The beautiful face of a Fitch. An angry Fitch. "What the fuck were you doing Effy? Where the fuck were you going? What if something fucking happened? What the fuck would I do?"
I just stare, unable to voice my thoughts; I was looking for you, you left me, followed by, you don't need me. I'm no good; I'm not going to help anything. Instead of waiting for an answer she puts an arm around me to pull me off the ground and guides me home and back to bed. To the home I shared with Naomi. To the home Naomi will never be in again. With that I pass out wrapped tightly in her arms the same way she was wrapped in mine just a few hours ago. I feel safer than I've ever felt.