THE SIMPSONS ALL FIRED UP
By WileE2005
DISCLAIMER: The Simpsons are copyrighted and trademarked by 20th Century Fox Entertainment, and is created by Matt Groening. It is also a parody and tribute to the episode "Mountain of Madness" by John Swartzwelder. I do not own any of these properties.
On a sunny spring day at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, it was lunch break. Mr. Burns and Waylon Smithers were lazily lounging around their office, with nothing to do. It seemed like a slow day, until Mr. Burns said, "Smithers, we need some excitement around here."
Smithers asked, "Uh, what do you mean, sir?"
"Not just for us," Burns cheerfully said, "but something the whole town can enjoy, like a big safety drill, but what kind?" He opened a panel in the wall to reveal a panel hooked up to alarm systems in the city, with buttons reading "STATEWIDE MELTDOWN ALERT," "HOUND ESCAPE DRILL," "BLIMP ATTACK OVER TOWN SQUARE," and "CITYWIDE FIRE DRILL." He said, "Ah, shall we do a meltdown alert across the state? Hound escape drill? Blimp attack over the town square? Ah, I think a good old-fashioned citywide fire drill today!"
"Here we go again," Smithers muttered to himself as Burns pressed the button.
The bells and buzzers echoed throughout the plant as strobes and signal lights began flashing. Everyone knew what it was, and like last time, they began panicking. It was panic and havoc all over the power plant. The man that whacked the fire extinguisher against people did it all over again. "Get out of my way!"
Lenny and Carl were running together. "Good thing I didn't stop for hot cocoa this time!" Lenny said.
Homer Simpson ran into his safety console once again, and this time didn't decide which photo to save. He immediately grabbed the old-style photograph of himself dressed like a cowboy. He ran past two people walking in circles nervously and saying "Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire…" over and over.
…
The Springfield Power Plant wasn't the only place that had its fire alarms activated. Over at Springfield Elementary School, the fire alarms were blaring throughout the building. Kids and teachers were screaming and panicking as they evacuated. Some of them ran over each other, and a few fell out of the crowd.
Skinner was shouting over the noise of the alarms and screaming, "Remain calm, children! Exit in an orderly fashion!" But they didn't bother to listen.
Groundskeeper Willie said, "I'm NOT going to save the wee turtles this time!"
"You are, Willie. And I'm going to help you, despite that ridiculous story you told me," Skinner told Willie.
They both ran into the science lab, but came out seconds later with little turtles nipping on them. They both fell to the ground.
Skinner angrily said, "Why didn't you tell me the turtles were feral?"
"You didna wanna believe me!" Willie said.
Skinner groaned.
…
All over the place, every public building had its fire alarm system activated. Soon the whole town of Springfield was full of bells, buzzers, sirens, tones and screeching. People were evacuating all of them, and fire trucks were driving through the streets. Some people were running down the street screaming and waving their arms.
Marge got a phone call from Homer about it, and one from Principal Skinner. She took Maggie with her, and got into her station wagon and drove into town.
…
Near the town square, a camera crew was shooting the event live, and Kent Brockman was reporting on the scene. "I'm Kent Brockman, here with the news," he began. "And I can tell you that due to how all the fire alarms in schools, offices and businesses in the whole town are going off at the same time, we conclude that this is in fact, a citywide fire drill. However, it is nice and sunny outside today, perfect for a fire drill, but not a citywide one! Now let's go live to Arnie Pie in the Sky with a bird's eye view."
Above the town, Arnie Pie was flying around in his helicopter. He reported, "Well Kent, I can see streams of people evacuating the buildings. And in some, they are panicking. These alarms are starting to make my ears ring!"
Back on land, Kent continued, "With our utter safety issue here, we have our own volunteer fire department on the scene." He turned to Apu in his fire chief uniform. "Apu, do you have anything to say about this?"
"This is a terrible situation, Kent," Apu said. "We aren't SUPPOSED to do citywide fire drills! We are not in charge of this either. We also don't think it was Bart Simpson responsible for this, either…"
"Wait a minute, what's that?" Kent asked, and the cameras turned over to the Springfield Gorge entrance, where Mr. Burns and Smithers were standing there. Smithers was holding a stopwatch.
Mr. Burns asked, "What's taking so long? What's a good mass evacuation for the entire city?"
"Three minutes, thirty-eight seconds." Smithers reported.
"And what's our time so far?"
"I told you, sir. This stopwatch only goes up to fifteen minutes."
"Damnation!" Mr. Burns cursed. "What kind of slow town do we have to supply power to?"
At that moment, the Simpsons family ran up to Burns and Smithers. The volunteer fire department, Kent Brockman and the camera crew also followed.
"I think we won, Mr. Burns!" Homer said.
…
Later, Krusty reset the last fire alarm system in Springfield. All the alarms had now stopped, and the town erupted in cheering and applause.
The Simpsons family was later watching a follow-up story on the fire drill on their TV in the living room as they sat on the couch. On TV, Kent Brockman reported, "And so, we all now know what it is like to have a big citywide fire drill… it is terrible. Now, over the years, fire safety has been a big concern, but it is best if we all do separate fire drills at our schools and business. Now to make everything on the lighter side, the following people are gay!" A list flashed by, scrolling up at a fast pace.
"Turn it off," Marge said in an annoyed manner.
Homer was laughing his head off hysterically at the TV. "A list of gay people! Hee-hee, that's hilarious…"
Marge then explained, "What's so funny about a list of gay people?"
Homer stared at Marge. It was hard to hear what she was saying, because there was a long, loud squealing like a feedback loop in his ears, from having to listen to all those fire alarms.
Marge then said, "Bart, Lisa, you do know that when a fire alarm goes off, you shouldn't…" she began, but Bart and Lisa also had the loud sonic feedback in their ears as well.
Bart said, "Hey mom, why do I keep hearing those alarms in my head even after they've been shut off?"
Marge just groaned. "Hrrrmmmmm…"
END