Pre-movie AU. During one kidnapping, Roxanne convinces Megamind to participate in a bachelor auction for charity on the Fourth of July. When the bidding starts and things get interesting, who will ultimately walk away with a date with a Supervillain?
Disclaimer: Don't own Megamind, although I wish I did, because I'd have put out a sequel by now! Thank you Dreamworks for these wonderful characters I like to play with now and then!
Supervillain for Sale, All Proceeds go to Charity
Chapter 1
Generally, I do not like to have a spectacle made of me unless I orchestrated it. So then, why, I am sure you are asking yourself, am I looking at a picture of myself standing on a stage next to seven other 'bachelors' dressed in a ridiculous outfit on the front page of the Metrocity Daily Times? Well, in one word: Roxanne. I would probably be the headline story for a very different reason and in a much less dignified position if not for her. How did this happen? Well, I'll tell you.
It started like any other kidnapping. I was sitting in my favorite chair with Eighty-four in my lap dozing peacefully. Roxanne was passed out in the chair, the bag still on her head. She'd been that way for twenty minutes since she'd arrived. I worried for a moment that Minion had used too much of the knock-out spray on her, and then she woke up.
"You know a little respect for me, that's all I ask. Just wash the bag, please?" she said to me. Yeah, yeah, so we forgot to wash the bag again. Minion looked like he wanted to say something, but I guess he saw me and stopped himself. Then he left the room. I waited until I heard the door close with a click before I addressed my captive.
"Eee-vil doesn't respect anything, Miss Ritchi," I smirked at her. She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. So, feisty today, then. That would make things interesting. "So, tell me what you are most afraid of."
"Dying of boredom," she snapped back, not missing a beat. Definitely feisty. I huffed and turned my back to her, pretending to check the dials and switches on the control board. Sometimes her retorts struck a little too close to home. I prided myself on my entertainment value and presentation at least, and I knew she meant what she said for me. She interrupted my thoughts, "Megamind, can we move this along, please? I have something more important I need to be doing."
How dare she say that! I turned around and faced her indignantly, but kept my tone light to confuse her. "More important than being kidnapped by the one and only incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy? Ha! I think not! The world does not revolve around you, Miss Ritchi!"
"Actually, I do this time, and it's not about me." Oh, no.
"What what could you possibly mean?" I started pacing as I spoke; only glancing at Roxanne briefly to be sure she was still sitting where she should have been. Where was Minion? He should have been back from whatever task he ran off to do by now.
Roxanne spoke up again, "I was volunteered," she spat the word as if it was distasteful, "to coordinate a charity event for the City's Fourth of July celebration. I have a lot to do before then. And I only have four weeks!" She sounded really stressed out.
"Cherry-teevent? What is that? What do you mean you were volunteered?"
"My boss thought it would be good P.R. for the station if I was the 'coordinator' of this thing," she said it sarcastically, like she didn't believe the words coming out of her own mouth. I felt bad for her, but only marginally. Corporate America in any form is such an overrated place to be. It's much more profitable to be self-employed, if you are smart about it. And you don't have a stupid boss to make you do things you don't want to do.
"Oh. Well, why are you so stressed out about it? I am sure you have people to handle things for you. And if you don't, you should get someone to help you."
"I know that!" she snapped at me. Apparently she was more stressed out about this than I had originally thought.
A quiet cough interrupted her glaring at me. "Miss Ritchi," Minion's voice interjected. "What kind of charity event are you putting on?" I don't know when he came in behind Miss Ritchi, but his presence couldn't have been more welcome. She was a handful today.
She strained around in her chair to lay eyes on my henchfish and smiled at his honest curiosity, ignoring me completely when she answered Minion's question. "It's a bachelor auction. All proceeds go to the Metro City Boys' Home for Troubled Youths."
I stopped pacing immediately. Of course, it would have to be the one place other than the prison and Evil Lair that I actually cared about. I helped start that place when I first escaped from prison, under an alias of course; it would have been nice to have a place to call home other than prison when I was no more than a troubled child. Perhaps even I could have found the counseling and support I needed to find a purpose among law abiding citizens before my career in villainy got too far along. But, she couldn't possibly know all that.
She stared at me until I felt immensely uncomfortable and then her eyes became wide and she said, "I have a crazy idea!"
"Uh oh," Minion and I said simultaneously. She glared at me. "Okay, fine, what's your idea? Not that it matters," I threw out indignantly.
"Well, would the incredibly handsome genius be opposed to participating in the auction?" What? Why would I do that? Did she need that much help that she was willing to stoop to asking me to help her?
"What, as the auctioneer?"
She laughed, not at me, but a genuine laugh, like I'd said something funny. I fell completely in love with the sound immediately. Then she ruined the moment, "No, as a prize."
I scoffed at the thought instantly. "No one in this city would consider me a prize, Miss Ritchi, I assure you."
"Oh, I don't know about that. I bet we can make you seem like a misunderstood anti-hero and the public would eat it up." Anti-hero? What was this nonsense? Did she really believe that?
"I am a Supervillain, Miss Ritchi; do not forget that for one moment." I said it in a menacing tone, trying my best to intimidate her. It never worked. I tried anyway.
"Yes, I know. You don't have to remake yourself at all, but there will be publicity galore. I don't know how well you'd deal with that. But you could generate so much money for the Boys' Home, Megamind. Please do it, for them if anyone." You know, if it had been any person talking about any other organization, I would not have hesitated to laugh out loud in their face and say no. But it was Roxanne and she was talking about my own pet project, two of the only things I actually cared about in my life.
I sighed and before Minion could jump on her side, said, "Very well. I will participate. Whatever you need me to do. But in exchange…"
"You want something in return?"
"Yes. A guarantee. I want you to have to be the one to interview me, anytime they need one for this thing. I won't talk to anyone else." She looked like she was going to laugh. I will never understand women.
"All right, I can agree to that. We'll have to get you an official release from prison for the charity to not be negatively impacted by your participation. And then, a more appropriate outfit for this public appearance wouldn't hurt either."
I had to object to that statement! "What is wrong with how I am dressed?"
"Nothing at all if you are trying to take over the city. But getting a date is another matter entirely." I only realized then that Roxanne was still tied up, or so she appeared until she started gesturing with her hands as she spoke.
"How long have you been untied, Miss Ritchi?" I smirked at her.
"I just finished, actually," she said with a smile.
How long has she been able to undo her bonds? I wondered what else she could do that I didn't know about. I also wondered idly if Roxanne was going to bid at the auction, but dismissed the idea of paying for a date as beneath her, even if it was for a good cause. No, I would likely wind up in the hands of some freakish person who would be fascinated by the fact that I am an alien and nothing more. It would be depressingly boring and I would be wishing for my cell less than an hour in, I am sure. But, I had agreed to do this for her against my better judgment. Minion was going to be upset with me once he had me alone. I know my friend and he was certainly thinking that what I'd agreed to was a bad idea. No matter, what's done is done and Minion will just have to help me whether he wants to or not.
I was so lost in thought that I was not paying attention to my captive. She startled the sense out of me and I jumped nearly a foot in the air when she just appeared in front of me. Standing no more than a foot away, completely unbound, "Thank you," she said.
I looked at her like she'd spoken another language. No one ever said thank you to me, not even Minion. I took a moment to recover myself, hoping in vain that she had not seen my unseemly display of weakness. "Well, my involvement will surely bring much more attention to your little insignificant cause, so it is the least I can do. So are you going to calm down now so we can get on with the destruction of your boyfriend in tights?" I asked nonchalantly.
"Maybe. If you would agree to one more little tiny condition," she smiled and batted her eyelids at me. Now she wanted something more. Nice.
"I can only imagine what this will be. Proceed, Miss Ritchi, although do not assume that my hearing you out means that I will agree." I had to make it at least a little difficult on her.
"Fine. I just wanted to know if maybe, I could possibly, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, that is, if I could perhaps borrow your mnnfinonpfffh," she ended with her voice muffled by her suddenly present hand.
"I'm sorry; I didn't quite catch that last part. You want to borrow my what?" I couldn't believe that she really asked me if she could borrow Minion. Like he was a pet or a tool or something!
"Minion. I want to borrow Minion to help me with planning this thing. I am in way over my head and I am sure presentation will be just as important to you here as any other time." I heard my long-time friend squeal in the background. Planning was his forte and there was no way, with my consent of course, that he was going to turn her down.
"Well, you are right about the presentation. It is the key to being perceived in the manner in which you intend." I was certain she already knew that, but I felt like specifying why presentation was imperative. It seemed important at that moment to make my sentiments known.
"Right. So, Minion, please?" she asked with a pleading tone in her voice.
Well, even if I was going to say no, that look in her eyes when she was so close to me made my mind incredibly muddled. I found it extremely difficult to construct a cohesive sentence. Eventually, I was able to reply. "It does not matter to me. But you will have to ask him if you want his participation, Miss Ritchi."
She turned toward my friend and approached him as he stood in the shadows of the room we were in which supposed to be conducting her kidnapping. "Minion, will you help me plan this charity bachelor auction?"
"I think I will, Miss Ritchi. It sounds like fun." I would have to talk to that fish later.
Suddenly, I realized something. "What about your boyfriend in tights? Who else is participating in this auction?"
"Metro Man will be there, but he's not my boyfriend. He'll be one of the bachelors, like you. I don't have the rest of the lineup solid yet."
"Well, you two best get to work then. I won't have this being a sloppy presentation because of slacking off at the beginning." I chided them but in reality, I was very nervous. I was up for auction? Why did that idea not revolt me until just then? Of course, I had agreed to let Minion do whatever he wanted to do so long as it did not interfere with my plans and since I am involved with this, my plans were already interfered with, so it was not his fault. I almost outright agreed to her request simply because if Minion was going to help her, then perhaps she would be around the lair more often and I might get to actually see her without having to kidnap her. I hoped so anyway.
a/n: Love it? Hate it? Let me know!