Title: Observations of a father
Author: CK
Disclaimer: Not mine. I just let them out to play.
Authors Note: I would think this had to go under AU but really, don't all fan fics belong there? Also unsure of Beverly's age vs. Janeways. And for anyone unfamiliar with the book Mosaic, Hobbes is Mark Johnson, Kathryn's fiancée when Voyager is lost.
&&&
Edward Janeway glanced at the chronometer. 0900. He knew this would be a long day. He looked over at his new assistant and sighed. When he was a Captain, he'd had no assistant and that worked out well for him. When the young man looked up from his work, Edward gave him a reassuring smile before turning back to his console. Damn the problems with this ship. Damn the Cardassians, and for good measure, damn the Federation for pulling him away from his family. He turned in his chair to stare out the window into the San Francisco bay. The sky was blue and the water a little choppy. Perfect sailing weather, he thought to himself.
"Admiral, you have a transmission from Admiral Finnegan." The young man looked up.
Edward sighed, more work. "I'll take it." He turned back to his desk and console, put on what he had come to call his Starfleet smile and waited for the cheerful Irishman to appear on the screen.
"Congratulations Edward!" Finnegan's brogue came over the console in full force. His green eyes sparkled as he spoke. "How does your first day feel?"
"The same as it did yesterday." Edward said flatly, letting his smile fade. "What is it Finnegan? You only sound like this when you want something." He leaned forward. "What is it?"
Finnegan laughed. "How well you know me old friend." He grew serious. "There was another intrusion on the Cardassian border. We are in the process of getting the details now, but it looks like they are going to want you out there soon." He looked apologetic. "I thought you should know sooner rather than later."
Edward nodded. He knew he shouldn't shoot the messenger. Finnegan had been his friend for many years and understood his pain. "Fin, I know they want me to have all the experience I can get with the Cardassians, but this is ridicules. Do you realize that tonight will be the first birthday I've been around for since Katie's twelfth?"
Finnegan nodded. "But tonight's the big one."
Edward shook his head. "You have no idea. And the piles of dresses that have come and gone out of the house… the calls from friends and family." He smiled. "I never took Katie for the fussy girl type."
"Neither did I." Finnegan chuckled. "Especially not after that stunt she pulled back on the Mars colony with that boy… what was his name?"
Edward chuckled. "Hobbes. Poor kid." He picked up his cup of tea and took a drink. He was sorry he'd promised his wife he would cut back on his coffee intake. "Those two diving in the quarry like that. They could have been killed." Though the situation had been serious, Kathryn and Hobbes had come out of it ok. And even though he'd been proud of his daughter for her strength and bravery, he'd had to punish her. She had been too young to go diving there.
"You have that look again Edward." Finnegan teased. "I don't know who is worse, you bragging about your Kathryn or Owen bragging about Tom."
Edward looked hurt. "How could you compare us? I'm much much worse."
&&&
Edward had been hard at work, after sending his new assistant off on a fool's errand. He preferred to work alone. Why couldn't Starfleet understand that? The console beeped, bringing his attention away from the data in front of him. He smiled as he read his wifes name on the message. "Gretch." He said warmly as her face appeared on the screen.
Gretchen smiled back, though it was a small one, concern evident in her blue eyes. "Ed, I know you've been busy, but was there a call you were supposed to make this morning?"
"I am. I'm going to call Katie at 1100." He smiled, knowing for once he hadn't forgotten.
Gretchens smile changed to that of sadness. "Ed, it's 1300."
"What?" He frowned and looked over at the old wooden clock on his desk. It reaffirmed his wifes statement. "Damn it. Well is she around?" He offered.
Gretchen sighed. "She went to lunch with some friends and then to get her hair done for tonight."
"I'll talk to her when I get home." He wanted to kick himself. He'd let her down again. He remembered a time when it wasn't like this. When he used to work at home in his office with Kathryn tucked under the desk, working on her math problems. When he could take a break and the two of them would take the dog out for a walk and talk about quantum physics and space travel. But that was before the threat of Cardassia, when Kathryn was a little girl. "I will escort her in tonight." He said firmly.
"I'll tell her." Gretchen glanced to her left. "Phoebe get out of those." She turned back to her husband. "I'll have your dress uniform pressed and ready."
"Thank you sweetie." He wanted to shut everything down and head home now. Who would be the wiser? "I should be home in a few hours." He would be.
"Take your time. We'll all still be getting ready here." She teased. "It takes us hours to look just so. It takes you what? Five minutes." Her eyes twinkled.
He chuckled. "Something like that."
"I'll see you at home soon." She said before her face disappeared.
He sighed and looked out the window. The sky had grown a little cloudy. "Don't rain." He whispered. "Not today. Not on Katie's birthday."
Again he was faced with the beep of the console. He turned back, irritated to find Admiral Barrett's name on the console. He tightened his jaw; it was never good when he was the one contacting you. He hit the button and the older man's face appeared on the screen, looking more weary and worn than usual. "Janeway."
"Sir." Edward felt his body tense.
"We have a problem." The four pipped Admiral spoke quietly. He was a man that never needed to yell. "I'm sure you've heard by now that there was a security breech on the border."
"Yes, Sir."
"We need you out there ASAP." The older man seemed to know what Edward was thinking. "But little is going to change over the next say… seventy –two hours."
"Sir?" Edward couldn't contain his surprise.
"I'm not a heartless old man, Janeway. I know what it's like to have a family you never get to see. I had a daughter myself." The older man's face softened. "Spend this time with your family. It's only going to get worse from here."
"Are you saying we're going to war?" Edward asked, interested in the almost friendly demeanor from the normally dour man.
"I'm not saying anything other than what's coming out of my mouth, Janeway." Barrett frowned. "Don't read more in to it than that." The older man's face relaxed slightly.
"Yes Sir." Edward nodded.
"Well, congratulations on the promotion. And tell your daughter we expect to see her at the academy." He smiled again. "She a ship designer like her father?"
"No Sir. I think she's looking into sciences." Edward offered.
"Oh." The older man seemed visibly disappointed. "Well, if she's good we could use her." He cleared his throat. "Have a good night. Be ready to leave in Seventy – two hours. Barrett out." And the screen went blank.
&&&
Edward was trying to read the latest intelligence reports and translate them into changes that needed to be made to the ship he was working on. His frustration level was rising, and his assistants irritating questions weren't helping. "The calculations are just wrong. Don't ask me why, but they are." He growled.
"Y...yes Sir." The young man looked like a deer in headlights.
Edward looked up. "I'm sorry." He sighed and sat back. "Look, why don't you take the rest of the evening off. I'm just going to finish a little problem here and then I'm leaving."
"Thank you Sir." The young man looked as though he couldn't get out of there fast enough.
Edward picked up the padd once the man was gone and started on the equation. If he didn't figure this out, there was going to be a major problem in the power nacelles. He closed his eyes and tried to picture it all in his head. And just as it looked like the answer was falling into place, it was gone. "Damn it!" He yelled, opening his eyes. He threw the padd onto the desk, causing a cascade effect as all the padds began to slide off the desk into a mess on the floor. He let his head fall into the desk.
"Rough day at work?" Gretchen's voice broke through his thoughts.
He looked up to find his wife, dressed in white silk, standing before him. Her long blonde curly hair was pinned back on the sides, letting the rest fall down her shoulders. He was in awe. "You look amazing."
Her smile widened as she crossed the room to where he sat. "Thank you." She placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're late."
He looked at the clock, afraid of the numbers. 1934. "Damn it. Damn, damn, damn." He shook his head. "Divorce me. Find yourself a man who will be there for you and the girls."
Gretchen sat down on his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. "No. You are a wonderful man… a wonderful father… and I wouldn't want any other man." She kissed him softly. "It's ok. Kathryn had already made plans to show up with a couple of her friends."
He frowned. "I wanted to escort her in."
Gretchen laughed. "If I had told her you were going to, you'd have been even later." She caressed his cheek with the back of her hand. "I brought your uniform. Get dressed and you can escort me."
He smiled at her. "I am honored to do so."
&&&
Admiral Edward Janeway smiled at the ball before him. It was larger than he had wanted for his celebration, but smaller than Starfleet had wanted. He decided to chalk it up as a small victory. He knew he owed several of his friends' credit for the style and the chance that it coincided with his oldest daughter's sixteenth birthday. He could have never given her anything like this on his own. He caught sight of her as she stood with a handful of young women. Some he recognized from their hometown, others he was sure he should know. He frowned. If he had been there more, he was sure he'd know each one of them. But his daughter, he decided, was by far the most beautiful. Her long golden red hair was swept up, a few softly curled tendrils allowed to frame her face. Her blue eyes were bright as she smiled. He noticed the dress was a bit more revealing than he would have liked. But he knew he would have to let her grow up a little. He smiled as he felt arms circle him from behind.
"What has you so deeply in thought?" Gretchen Janeway asked moving around to look into the man's hazel eyes. She was an excellent judge of emotion and character. Many had wondered why she had chosen to teach Math instead of becoming a therapist or psychiatrist.
"She's not my little Goldenbird anymore." He sighed, wrapping his arms around his wife. "Look at her." He looked into Gretchen's smiling face. "Did you tell her she could wear that?"
Gretchen repressed the laugh. "Yes Edward, I helped her tailor it a bit. She's so tiny that it's hard to find the right cut for her." She glanced at her daughter who was laughing with a friend. "She looks beautiful tonight."
He nodded. "She does. It's hard for me to believe that young woman used to come in with scraped knees and muddy little animals that followed her home."
Gretchen laid her head on him. "She still does, just not as often."
"Are all those her friends from home?" He asked, noticing a young man enter the group.
Gretchen glanced over and saw young Greg. She nodded. "Most of them are. Greg, Jessie and Kerri are from the Academy Institute."
"He's in high school?" Edward narrowed his eyes to get a better look at this young man who was, in his opinion, standing far too close to his daughter. "He doesn't look like he's in high school."
"He is interested in your daughter, Edward." Gretchen patted her husband on the back. "And I think she returns the interest."
"I think I need a drink." But, he couldn't take his eyes off the group, his daughter in particular.
Gretchen nodded and walked him over to the bar. "Edward, she's not a little girl. And I have meet Greg. He seems like a nice young man."
Edward ordered his drink and turned to look as young Greg was leading his daughter to the dance floor. He shook his head. "She was just waiting for me to get home… To go over her homework."
"Grow up fast, don't they, old man," Admiral Jacob Hendero said as he stepped up to the bar. "My Lily is in college." He shook his head. "And very close to moving in with someone." He smiled at the bartender as he received his drink.
Edward looked at Jacob. "Not my Katie." He picked up his drink. "She's going to go out into space and never…" He took a drink, knowing full well how he sounded.
Jacob grinned. "Gretchen, either he has had too much… or not enough." He laughed.
Gretchen sighed. "He's feeling a little lost I think." She picked up her champagne glass. "Busy fathers seem to forget that time moves for the rest of us too."
Edward shot a look at his wife. Had he been that busy? The Cardassians were nothing to shrug at. Why didn't anyone understand what he was doing? He downed his drink and motioned for another. "Someone has to make it safe for our children." He sounded harsher than he would have liked.
Gretchen nodded. She knew how to take it in stride. Placing a hand on his arm, she squeezed. "Edward, I wasn't criticizing you. I respect what you do." She looked out to see her daughter dancing with Greg. "And so does she."
He shook his head. "I'm not so sure."
"Even if she doesn't understand it now, she will." Jacob offered.
Edward nodded. No point in arguing tonight. Besides, he wouldn't win. He took a long drink and set the glass on the bar. "I guess this is where I mingle."
Gretchen set her half filled glass next to his empty one and took her husband's arm. "Well, show me off." Her blue eyes looked on him with love and support.
Edward relaxed under her gaze and held her arm tight to him. "I am honored to."
&&&
The night wore on; Edward couldn't believe how many people were here that he didn't know. He smiled as he approached a familiar face. "Captain Picard."
Picard smiled back. "Admiral."
"I'm still not used to that… So stop it." Edward hated the formality of the whole affair. Yes he was an admiral, but his friends knew he hated rank pulled. He scanned the room as the two men stood staring out at the crowd. "All right Jean-Luc, who are you looking for?"
Jean-Luc Picard looked at Edward, as though he had been caught doing something wrong. "I uh…"
Edward smiled. He must have brought a new woman in his life. That's one of the few things in life that will make any man nervous. "I'm looking for my daughter." He offered.
"Yes, I believe I saw her outside with a young suitor." Picard offered, visibly relieved at the change in subject.
Edward's head snapped towards the Captain. "Outside?"
Picard grinned. "They were just getting air I'm sure."
"There is air in here." Edward frowned.
"Jean-Luc." A beautiful auburn haired woman approached, with a smile on her face, and laughter in her blue eyes. "There you are."
Jean-Luc swallowed hard. "I am."
Edward, forgetting his daughter's whereabouts for a moment, smiled at the other man's discomfort. "Are you going to introduce me?"
Picard glanced at Edward. "Yes. Doctor Beverly Howard, this is Admiral Edward Janeway."
Beverly turned her eyes on Edward. "Congratulations," She offered. "I understand this promotion was a long time coming."
Edward shrugged. She was very attractive, and he could tell Picard thought so too. "That's what they say. So you're a doctor?"
She smiled widely. "Well, almost. I still have some time left here. Then it's Ensign Doctor Howard."
"I know that Starfleet will be happy to have you." He glanced at Picard. "So how did he get you to accompany him? I mean you can do better."
Beverly laughed. "I was honored to be able to accompany him."
"She is engaged to one of my officers." Picard managed.
Now Edward was beginning to see the picture. Picard was interested in his best friends' fiancée. His heart went out to the captain. "Ah. Let me guess. That young man you speak so highly of… Crusher, right?"
Beverly beamed. "Jack, yes."
He nodded and slapped Picard on the shoulder. "Well I have to look for my wayward daughter." He looked Picard in the eyes. "Good luck."
Edward smiled as he passed his wife dancing with Captain Owen Paris. He nodded to Owen. "She's good, watch out." He offered.
Owen laughed. "I've noticed."
Edward headed for the balcony and stepped out onto it, still no Kathryn. He sighed. "All I want is one dance."
"Admiral?" Heather Francis stepped onto the balcony.
He turned and smiled at her. "Well, if it isn't little Heather."
She blushed. "I uh… Were you looking for Kathy?"
He nodded. "Have you seen her?"
"She and Greg went for a walk." Heather frowned. "I think he's going to officially ask her."
Edward looked at the young girl. She was more of what most boys were looking for at their age. Long honey blond hair in waves and curls at the end. Curvy and willing to let a young boy lead. "And you don't think he's good enough for Katie?"
She laughed. "I don't think…" She stopped. "I mean, I was hoping he would ask me." She shrugged. "Wishful thinking I guess."
He nodded. "I'm sure there are some other wonderful young men out there."
"Not like Greg. And it's not fair." She pouted. "Kathy has everything else going for her. She doesn't need him."
Edward was beginning to feel a little out of place. "I'm sure if Katie knew how you felt…"
She shook her head. "No. She was waiting for this." Her words came out bitterly.
"I see." He wasn't sure how to escape. Suddenly the doors opened and a gangly young man exited the ball.
"Hobbes." Edward could have kissed the boy… at the very least promised him marriage to one of his daughters.
Hobbes smiled at Edward. "Admiral… I was looking for Kath."
Edward laughed. "Join the club."
"I'm going to go." Heather gave Hobbes a tight smile before re-entering the ballroom.
Hobbes shook his head. "Jealousy among friends, something I have never understood."
Edward leaned against the railing. "Jealousy among anyone I have never understood."
Hobbes nodded. "I appreciate being invited, Sir."
Edward looked at him. He was maturing; this young man was beginning to look the part of a very handsome man. "You have been a friend of Katie's for a long time now."
Hobbes smiled. "I wouldn't go that far." He looked up at the stars. "You see, there is a fundamental difference between your daughter and I. When I look up to the stars I see beauty. I see where we have been." His smile grew wistful. "Kath looks up and sees the future." He looked at Edward. "Her future."
Edward nodded. This boy was more than a friend, and he seemed to understand his daughter in way most people never would. "I know that look. I'm afraid she got that from me."
"But you've been content to stay here. To help from Earth. To have a family and raise them with old-fashion values." He shook his head. "I don't think Kath would ever feel complete living like that."
Edward frowned slightly. How was it that everyone knew his daughter better than he did? He looked up at the night sky. And what exactly had he been teaching her in his absence? "I'm afraid I haven't been here much lately." He looked out at the night sky. "This project has taken up more time that we thought. Too much time away." He looked back at Hobbes. "I'm content to stay, just no longer able."
"I'm sorry Sir, I should have realized tonight would be as important to you as it is to Kath." Hobbes spoke with a gentle tone. "It is often said the maturing of a daughter is more difficult on the father than the daughter."
Edward raised an eyebrow. "You're in college now, aren't you?" Hobbes nodded. "What are you studying?"
"Philosophy." Hobbes smiled. "I'm not Starfleet material, another count against me."
"I think you're a fine young man." Edward wondered how his life would have been if he'd had a son instead of a daughter.
"Thank you sir." Hobbes looked up at the sky on more time. "Would you mind calling me Mark?"
"Mark?" Edward asked.
"Yes sir. Mark is actually my first name. I've never been sure why my parents chose to call me by my middle name." He shrugged. "But I've been thinking I would like to go by Mark."
Edward placed a strong hand on Mark's arm. "I think you've made a good choice, Mark."
&&&
Edward and his wife swayed to the music. He had forgotten how much he enjoyed dancing with this woman. He smiled into her hair. "You are so beautiful tonight."
She snuggled into him, as though she wished the song would never end. "You're not so bad yourself."
He pulled back a little, so he could look into her blue eyes. "No. I mean it." He kissed her softly. "I don't want to be that far away anymore."
With a knowing smile she nodded. "We're always here for you Edward. Always." She brought her lips back to his and for a few moments; time stood still for the two of them. Edward held his wife close. When they broke their embrace, they noticed their daughter staring at them in horror. She shook her head and hid her face in the chest of a man that neither parent knew. Gretchen grinned. After all embarrassment by a parent was a right of passage.
As their daughter moved away from them, into the next song with the dark man, Edward looked at his smiling wife. "Who was that?"
&&&
The evening was winding down, and Edward had not had his dance. He surveyed the room to find his daughter. The music changed, to note the end of the evening. 'I'll be seeing you' rang out from the band. He was so busy looking he didn't notice the young woman step up beside him.
"Admiral? I hate to be so forward, but would you allow me the pleasure of this dance?" Kathryn smiled up at her father as he turned his head to hers. Hazel eyes met blue and Edward smiled.
"I would be most honored." He led his daughter out to the dance floor. They took their positions and began to move to the music. "So?"
She smiled at him. "Oh Daddy, it was wonderful. Thank you." She looked around. "I will never forget this day."
He beamed. "I'm glad." They danced in silence for a few moments. Then he pulled her to him. All the thoughts and emotions from the day -- mixed with the few too many drinks -- seemed hit him at once. He didn't want to lose his baby girl. "I love you Katie." Tears threatened to fall from is normally stoic face.
"I love you too Daddy." She wrapped her arms around him. "And I am so proud of you." She whispered. "I always will be."
He tipped her head up so his eyes could meet hers. "Kathryn Elizabeth Janeway, I will always be proud of you. I will always love you, and you will always be my Goldenbird." He kissed her forehead. "No matter how distant I am. I want you to know that."
Tears shone in her eyes. "Yes Daddy." She whispered. "And I want you to know, you'll always be the most important man in my life." She seemed to cling to him.
"Good." He loosened his grip on her and they began to dance again. "So tell me. Who was that guy you were dancing with?"
Kathryn grinned. "Which one?"
Edward was sure he was going to have a heart attack any moment. "Which one?" He echoed with a shake of his head. "Which one was important?"
Kathryn shrugged. "I guess none of them. I met a few very nice cadets, and a very interesting Ensign. And I danced with several Captains and Admirals." She glanced out at the sea of dancers. "I thought I had wanted Greg to ask me to date him exclusively."
"And?" Edward asked, not really wanting to hear about her budding romantic life, but wanting her to share with him.
"And when he asked me tonight… I said no." She gave him a lopsided grin. "I guess I'm not ready."
He nodded, relieved. He really was the most important man in her life. He knew someday that would change. That she would find a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. He grinned. But not today. Today she was all his. He kissed the top of her head. "It's good to know that kind of thing. You'll know when you're ready." An idea hit him. "What about Hobbes Johnson?"
Kathryn rolled her eyes. "Ewww Daddy. He's so vulky."
"I thought your mother told you to stop calling him that." Edward reprimanded. He didn't see a problem with the young man.
"I know. I'll stop." She glanced over to where Hobbes stood. "Just promise me, if I ever find him anything more than a friend, you'll have me checked into a mental hospital." She grinned up at her father.
Edward just chuckled.
&&&
Admiral Edward Janeway leaned back in his chair. His den was lit by a few candles, and he could tell by the sky he should have been to bed hours ago. But he had wanted to remember this night always. He looked back to his console. "And I learned one thing tonight, that my family is the most important thing in my life. And that's why my work is so important. We can't afford a war. Not like the one the Cardassians could provide." He picked up a picture of his family. "Gretchen understands, Phoebe is young yet, but I think she gets it." He sighed. "I worry about Kathryn. I shouldn't. But I do. When I'm home, I don't see her emotions. She spends her time telling me of her accomplishments, as though it were all I cared about."
He looked at the happy faces of the Janeway clan. "Does she understand what I'm doing? That I am doing this for them… for her? Will she go out into the world thinking her father didn't want to be there? That he chose work over his family? I love my daughter… maybe I should push her away from Starfleet… No. Kathryn would do what she wanted no matter what I told her. I trust that she will decide what's best for her." He laughed. "She's more like me than I would have thought possible. Gretchen assures me she is fine. And if tonight is any indication, no matter what life gives my girl… She'll be ok." He set the picture down. "Computer, close log." The familiar beep let him know he was done.
Edward stood and blew out the candles. He made his way, in the dark up the stairs. Opening the door to his youngest daughter's room, the light from the moon illuminated a room in transition. Phoebe was turning twelve in a few months. He smiled as she laid the wrong way in her bed, a stuffed cat in her arms. "Goodnight." He whispered before closing the door.
Moving silently down the hallway, he stopped in front of Kathryn's room. He opened it slowly and looked in. She was sound asleep; a book lay open in front of her, her dog at the foot of the bed. He was tempted to remove it and set it on her night stand, but opted to stay out of her room. "Night, Goldenbird." He whispered before closing the door.
He turned and headed to his own room. He opened the door and slipped in quietly. He quickly undressed and slid under the covers. Just as he closed his eyes, Gretchen propped her head up on her hand. "Better?"
He smiled and turned to her. In the light he could only make out her silhouette. "Yes." He reached out and stroked her face. "Don't let me lose them."
She kissed his hand. "I won't." She lay back down, her head on his bare chest. "And you certainly don't have to worry about losing me."
He chuckled. "I simply don't know why you stay with me."
She closed her eyes. "Because you can't choose who you love. Only whether you follow your heart."
END