Black Gold Saw was reading And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie, STR's head resting on her shoulder, when the phone started ringing. Irritated, she sighed, slowly bookmarking the page that she was on and placing the small blue book onto the glass coffee table in front of her. She poked STR. "Wake up, you. I can't reach the phone,"
STR slowly blinked her eyes open. White pupils narrowed. "Unnghhh?" she mumbled groggily. "Oh...phone...ugh. Who would call us now? It's the weekend. I finished my shift at the grocery's an hour ago..."
Gold Saw shrugged and reached for the phone, pressing it to her ear. "Beats me, darling. Hello? Black Gold Saw speaking, how may I help you?"
STR lazily stretched, pushing Gold Saw off the couch and onto the heavily carpeted floor as she did so. This earned her a half-hearted glare and STR smirked. "You know you love me," she mouthed, reaching for the mug of cold black coffee that had been hurriedly slammed onto the glass table only an hour ago when Gold Saw had suddenly kissed her as a Welcome Home sort of thing. She was still wearing the frilly red bikini that STR had jokingly suggested she buy a month ago.
Gold Saw mouthed back: "You know I do, but you're pushing it," and pressed the Speaker button.
The silky voice of Maid Gunner instantly filtered in, loud and strangely panicked. "Gold Saw! Oh goddammit, Gold Saw, are you there or not!?" wailed -wait, wailed? Gunner didn't wail!- Maid Gunner through the phone, making STR wince and grumble some more. "Oh- give me the phone!" hissed another smoother, calmer voice. There were a few thudding sounds and then Shizu's voice came on. "Hello? Gold Saw? You there? STR?!"
"Right here, Shizu. I haven't heard from you in a while. It's nice to have some self-thinking intelligent company for once. How can I help you?"
"It's nice to hear from you again too, Gold Saw. I- ah, Maid Gunner I mean, called because- well, we ran into some troubles last night..."
"Troubles? What sort of troubles?" STR leaned forward, not wanting to miss the blonde's response.
"Ah, well... I presume you know of Dead Master's younger sister, Death Scythe? Well, the little brat and Bone Sprout won some sort of annual national race yesterday at the park, and beat both Black Matagi and Black Devil Girl along the way. Well...ah...Dead Master... you know how much affection she shows to her younger sister. She was positively glowing when I saw her. We all know how rare it is to see Dead Master happy,"
STR nodded. "Yeah, the one time I saw her smile for real was when I barreled into Stella during rugby in fourth grade," she said. Gold Saw chuckled, recalling the memory. Oh, what an interesting day that had been.
"Exactly. So Chariot, being the absolutely superb girlfriend that she is, decided to organize two parties in Death Scythe's and Dead Master's honor. She gave Death Scythe and all of her friends tickets to some newly-opened amusement park, and decided to take the rest of us to a club,"
"I see... I still do not see what is so horrible about this, Shizu,"
"I'm getting there, Gold Saw. Anyways, when we were inviting the others to come down to the city, it turned out Demon Cannon User finally worked up the nerve to ask Ninja Zero Two out on a date. As you know, Ninja Zero Two is rather hostile to just about everyone, so she did not arrive, but Demon Cannon User, being the delightfully happy person she is, was beaming. And you know how her smile is infectious. So the overall tone of the event was cheerful,"
"Doesn't sound too horrible to me!" called STR and Black Gold Saw could almost hear Shizu scowl.
"Oh believe me, I'm getting there. Anyways, we arrived at the club at around ten PM. We pretty much just hung around awkwardly for ten minutes until Tightmare Elly arrived-"
"Oh, goodie," said both STR and Gold Saw simultaneously and Shizu growled impatiently.
"Not for us. She asked what was going on, Nafhe replied with a short summary of our situation, and that we were 'confused' and Elly left for about ten minutes, and then returned with enough alcohol to drug several herds of elephants. Really, I have no idea where she found that much to buy at one time. Or that she was wealthy. Alcohol is fairly expensive, correct?"
"It depends."
"Well, some of the stuff looked pretty expensive to me. Anyways, she laid some of it down, and Nana, being the lucky ducky that she has been all her life, lunged for a bottle of some sort of blue liquid and chugged it down in the space of around three and a half seconds. She passed out thirty-two seconds later, much to Chariot's amusement. Most of us, especially Nafhe and myself, were quite reluctant to try this 'alcohol' after that small 'casualty'. But of course, Mii, being the lovely Mexican daredevil that she is, decided that it couldn't possibly do any harm for the rest of us to try some,"
"Ah yes. Mii. Haven't spoken to her in a while,"
"You can talk to her when I'm done, Gold Saw. Anyways, Mazuma, Chariot, and Stella agreed and decided to try some drinks, and after they seemed perfectly normal, Demon Cannon User, Dead Master, and Mii proceeded to hoard enough alcohol to drug several elephants and gradually consume it all,"
"Huh,"
"I pity Lirio, the poor soul. I doubt he would've stayed there if not for Mii. Anyways, Elly promised to keep me awake with only one bottle. At the time, I assumed that that was only a small quantity to be consumed. Tightmare Elly managed to shepherd us into the club, and let me tell you, I regret it with every fibre of my being. The music was far too loud, and there were too many people. It was not very enjoyable at all. But before I could escape, Elly motioned for two of her friends which she introduced as Underworld Icicle and Dragon Slayer, the latter apparently being the manager. They conversed. I didn't pay much attention, but I wish I did. Icicle left momentarily and just like Elly, returned with what I originally thought was the odd thirty percent of every alcoholic drink ever sold,"
"Wow,"
"Indeed. A woman named Farside Bunny managed to get Nafhe to try something which I think was Red Bull mixed in with vodka and gin. It sounded like an absolutely horrendous concoction to me, but Nafhe evidently enjoyed it, as in three minutes, she had managed to down six glasses."
"You hear that, STR? Your sister likes her drinks,"
"Well, dip me in butter and roll me in nuts,"
"Ha ha. Underworld Icicle was watching us the whole time, drinking what appeared to be non-alcoholic punch. She told Farside Bunny something which made her chuckle a little and then left."
"You gonna get on with the commentary to the bad bits yet?"
"Shut up, STR. Anyways, Farside Bunny walked up to Mazuma and presented him with something that she called 'Dragon's Moonshine',"
Black Gold Saw winced. "Oh, god. Slayer's always loved to give her drinks a little more kick than necessary,"
"I would've liked it if you had warned me beforehand. You wanted your bad bits? You can have them now. I don't know how much Mazuma drank. I lost count after the thirty-second glass. I thought he was delirious. He mostly just ambled around the quieter parts of the rooms, belting out out-of-tune snitches of horrible pop songs and vomiting over random people. I was embarassed for him. And then, he came across a girl sitting rather rigidly on a raised bar of metal meant for keeping customers away from wet floors. Underworld Icicle came out for a second and told me that that was her younger cousin who went by the name of Underworld Vulcan. Pretty little thing she was. Pink hair, pink eyes, black silk gloves, pretty little black dress. I'm also ninety percent sure that she was underage. She couldn't have been older than sixteen years old,"
"..."
"Mazuma decided that it would be an excellent idea to approach the girl, slide his hands under her dress, and grope her. She nearly shrieked, Gold Saw, but for some reason, made no effort to pry him off."
"Ah..."
"Underworld Vulcan had a sister, Gold Saw. Later, when she pressed charges against Mazuma for sexual harassment, I learnt that her name was Loveness. She shrieked, yanked Mazuma off of her younger sister, and kicked him in the nads so hard that he actually screeched. And when I say screeched, I mean full-on pterodactyl screech. I thought my eardrums were going to shatter,"
"..."
"I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse. But nooooo! Fate decided to make Demon Cannon User and Maid Gunner feel the sudden need to play a shot game. I think it was take a drink every time Shizu gives you a dirty look. Honestly. They also seemed to have taken a liking to hard liquor, because within half an hour, Cannon was pretending to be a cat and rubbing up against random strangers, and Maid Gunner was pretending to be a police officer. Half the club nearly cried laughing,"
"Oh..."
"It gets worse, you know. Nafhe had long since passed out, and Stella, one of the few people left in our little party that wasn't marinated with alcohol, was trying to wake her up. A woman named Elder Caster who apparently worked there half time came out with a bottle of fizzing green liquid which she called Magician's Quicksilver. Apparently, she liked to create her own brews and liked to give them out for free out of generosity. She gave everyone four bottles, Gold Saw. She gave Chariot six and Mii ten. Want to know what was happening half an hour later?"
"..."
"Nafhe had woken up and she and Farside Bunny had started a drinking contest which had ended in Nafhe winning and Farside Bunny doing a drunken rain dance as punishment. Nana had also woken up, and started making out with Maid Gunner on the dancefloor, much to the delight of several males. Mazuma had sobered up slightly, and was now trying to impress Underworld Vulcan with short displays of fire behind her sister's back. Chariot thought that she was a racing car and started skating through the club like a madman while screaming 'I AM THE TRUE QUEEN!'. Dead Master climbed to the diving board overlooking the dancefloor and started removing her clothes and tossing them to the crowd below. There are many things that I could've gone my entire life without seeing and remain perfectly happy, Gold Saw. A naked Dead Master is one of them. Tightmare Elly and Underworld Icicle took photos of everything. Stella started a staring contest with Elder Caster. The loser had to drink two bottles of milky red liquid. I assumed that it was alcoholic, but I was scared to ask what it was. I knew literally nothing about it other than the fact that they both loved it and Stella was chugging down three bottles at the same time at one point. Demon Cannon User thought that she was the nyan cat. And Dragon Slayer, being the lovely, helpful woman that she was, was pouring everyone second rounds. Are you satisfied with the horrible part?"
"...Anything else?" asked STR hesitantly and jokingly. She nearly fell out of the couch when Shizu started speaking again.
"Oh, there's always something else. Lirio and Mii tumbled out of nowhere and started having sex in plain view on the dancefloor. Consequently, a police officer walked in when they were halfway done. However, before they could be arrested, Mazuma decided to pull another trick while holding several glasses of dull black liquid which I later discovered was the product of both Elder Caster and Dragon Slayer's experiments with their own twisted concoctions. Want to know what happened next?"
"...I'm kind of scared, Shizu,"
"Mazuma's hand slipped. He tripped, the liquid splashed around, and it must've been flammable, because it took all of a third of a second for Mazuma to be holding three glasses of blue flames,"
"Oh,"
"So," said Black Gold Saw brightly, "it gets worse, doesn't it?"
"..."
"Hello? Shizu? You there?!"
"I panicked, Gold Saw,"
"Good to know you're still ali- wait, what?!"
A sigh. "Please don't judge me," mumbled Shizu quietly.
"Oh darling, that ship has already sailed,"
"Okay, then. Well, as I said, I panicked. I am not particularly fond of Mazuma. I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be. But he is a fellow comrade, and I panicked. I may have...sort of...forgotten that Mazuma can stand extreme amounts of heat,"
"Oh god Shizu, what did you do?"
"Be quiet, STR. I freaked out and knocked two of the glasses onto the floor, and somehow flung the last one across the club. I have no idea what was in that black liquid, but it must've been pure black magic, because it caught onto the walls, floor, and everything else almost instantly. When we all finally got out, the entire inside of the club was glowing blue,"
"I see..." muttered Black Gold Saw. She wasn't sure what to think. "I just have one question to ask you,"
"Yes?"
"Why are you telling me all of this?"
A pause. Shizu cleared her throat. "Ah...well...you see... we kinda need you to bail us out of jail..."