My Grace is Gone
He walked slowly down the streert without purpose or direction. His feet felt heavy and he dragged them across the ground as he walked. It was November 13th, the weather was turning extremely cold and snow was coming soon. He hated the winter and he hated this place where he was living. His home was here, his life is here, and all the things he used to care for are here but sadness consumed him. He wished he could run way from this place and never return. There was nothing happening for him here anymore but he had to stay. Her memory was here and he stayed here simply for her.
It was late and he lost track of time on his long walks. He followed his feet wherever they took as him the biting cold stung his eyes making them water. He wiped the salty tears away quickly. It wouldn't do to start crying here, he wouldn't be able to stop. He looked up to find his bearings and he noticed he wandered into a new part of town. A little less crowded which he didn't like. He could get lost in a thousand faces he did not recognize. His feet automatically take him to a place with neon signs in the windows. Ah, his feet knew him better than he thought. Exactly what he was looking for. A place that soothes pain and helps memories fade away for a delirious peace. He looked around when he entered and noticed it is not crowded. Most in here, like him, were drowning their sorrows one drink at a time. He sat down, looked around, and tried to get comfortable in the depressive mood that consumed him. The bartender came over and asked for his order.
Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It's 2 A.M., I'm drunk again
It's heavy on my mind
The bartender noticed that he wasn't in the conversing mood and gave him more liquor and some space. As he drank he dived into the pool of memories of her he kept close to his heart. His chest tightened a little as he dived deeper into the more intimate memories of her. He gets wrapped up in everything about her. If only there was a way to die and stay permanently in this ghostly memory place. He closes his eyes as he remembers the life he shared with her for a brief time. How lucky was he to have her in his life?
I could never love again
So much as I love you
Where you end, where I begin
Is like a river going through
He never said the words "I love you" to her. They were words he couldn't use. Afraid she might not feel for him the way he felt for her. He didn't want to scare her off but he was obsessed with her and she had to have known how deeply he was in love with her. She never said them either. "If you don't say it, I won't, Draco. But I do, know that whatever happens, I do." Looking back, it almost seemed that she knew what was going to happen.
Take my eyes, take my heart
'Cause I'll need them no more
If never again they'll fall upon
The one I so adore
They both agreed on secrecy on their relationship. It was entirely too dangerous to love each other openly. He thought the secrecy is was what he liked about their relationship. A year of secrets went by and he grew more and more impatient with their relationship. They had to hide around people, fake relationships with other people, and then the awful weeks of not seeing each other, not touching her, or just being near her. Those times he thought he was going to go crazy. He wanted what they had to be known, he was tired of hiding everything from everyone. He wanted to show the world that their love was pure, that their love was good, and everyone should have true love like they did. Other people, she said, would have different opinions. She insisted that their friends would not take it well and if they found out it would be dangerous. We couldn't reveal ourselves yet but we would be able to soon. He wanted it to be known, damn whoever thought otherwise. He thought their love could overcome anything.
'Scuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong?
'Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My Grace is Gone
One more drink and I'll move on
He was forced back into reality when the bartender said he was closing for the night. Time flew when he thought of her. He didn't realize the tears were going down his face until the bartender handed him some napkins and a sad, pitied look. He cleaned up, dropped some money, and left. As he exited, the bitter cold hit him and sobered him up a little. His chest tightened at the cold air but he felt nothing anymore. The pain was almost unbearable but he put himself through it, he deserved the pain.
He walked back into his part of town and looks for his familiar spot at the bar. This bar never closed and attracted dangerous people. It's not safe but he dared anyone try anything. He was dead inside anyway. The place is just what he needed: a place dark enough to hide in. He sits down and orders another drink.
One drink to remember
Then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find
sweet love like you again?
One drink to remember
And another to forget
He noticed more and more eyes seemed to linger on him from the bar. Curiosity? Pity? Challenge? A sob escaped his lips but he passed it off as a cough. He went to the bar and ordered as much as the bartender would allow. He needed to leave, he would not be able to make it home if he did not. He felt that if maybe if he stayed here long enough then someone would take the burden of pain off of his shoulders just for a second. A brief second of relief, please? He looked down at the bar and noticed his empty glasses lined up. The bartender recommended he go home. So be it. The drinks had stopped killing the pain like they used to.
'Scuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong?
'Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My Grace is Gone
One more drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
He made his way along the familiar pathway to the flat. He used the front entrance all the time now, too many memories of her sneaking in the other way. Too may memories and too much guilt about her surrounded this flat. He lay down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. His bed hadn't been used since she left. It reminded him of her, the way her scent was still on the pillow, how she had fit so perfectly in his arms, and how alive she could make him feel. She made him function.
He remembers deciding to tell one person about them and their love. He had to because it seemed like he was going to burst if he didn't. He knew almost immediately that he had made a mistake. Although he knew that this man that he told liked her before, he thought that maybe he could appreciate it and be an ally. The person should have been mature enough to accept it and move on toward friendship, or something like it. In the war they fought on the outside, he was an ally. As soon as the words "… and I are together" left his mouth he knew that he had made a dangerous enemy. The rage on his face was a clear-enough sign.
He had walked away from his newfound enemy nervous. A bad feeling followed him home. He forgot to tell her, they were on another two week hiatus. Little did he know that his enemy "Lost His Mind in All Possible Ways" as the newspapers had described. She died by this new enemy's hand with the jealous hatred that ran through him. Ron had killed Hermione without warning. Why he killed her, he'll never know. He went searching for her, somehow sensing something was wrong. He had seen what his enemy had done and turned to face him. The killing of a former friend came so easy, it seemed another man that seemed to speak, an evil being that spoke the words to end a friend's life.
You think a thing's impossible
Then the sun refused to shine
I woke with you beside me
Your cold hand lay in mine
He stayed, holding her body, screaming through the night with tears coming out his eyes. No one knew of her and him together, he knew this. He knew he had to leave her body with Ron's. He kissed her forehead and gently placed her on the bed. "'...seemed an angel asleep'" again described correctly. She was an angel. He fled to muggle territory and disappeared for two weeks after he was told of her death by another ally. They thought he didn't have the slightest clue. What a great liar he made.
They wrote it up in the newspapers as "...two lovers die together, killer unknown... tragic losses for the war." Everyone thought his love, his life, was with that murderous bastard. Pure rage seemed to radiate from him. He tried to calm himself down, it wouldn't do any good.
He looks around his flat, seeing nothing but holes from his anger. He walks to the kitchen and grabs one more drink. He raises it up towards the light and says" Here's to you, my love, my life, my soul, and my existence." puts his head down sobbing and then finishes "I love you..." draining his soul and drink.
'Scuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong?
'Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My Grace is Gone
One more drink and I'll go
He curls on the couch and closes his eyes muttering her name. Living within his own personal hell.
'Scuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong?
'Cause I don't need to think
She broke my heart
My Grace is Gone
Another drink and I'll move on
One more drink and I'll be gone
One more drink and my Grace is Gone