Chloe 911: A Parody of Zoey 101

(Are you ready?)

No

Oo-ooh
I know you see me standing here
Do I look good my dear
Do I look good today
Oh Oh Oh
I'm just another bimbo girl
In a pink and preppy world
And you can't run away
Yeah Yeah

If you wanna play
Come and play today
Let's just get away
Yeah

I will make you see
Why everyone on this show's preppy
Come see for yourself
Though we've no guarantees
Yeah Yeah
Yeah

YES.

Chloe woke up with a start. 'Oh. My. God! See, if this were a real school, I'd say we were late… but, we never actually have any lessons, so… no biggie!'

Dana rolled over, groaning angrily after being awoken by Chloe's whine. 'Shut up already!'

Chloe narrowed her eyes and lowered her voice dangerously. 'You're not in this series, Dana', she whispered. 'Daddy cut you. Get. Out.'

There was a series of bright pink sparks around Dana's bed, and a few seconds later, Cola lay in her place, an artificial grin etched onto her face with eerie cheerfulness. 'Morning!' she chirped, again eerily peppy.

Nikk-kole sat up, her make-up miraculously still intact. 'What day is it?' she yawned, suspiciously bright-eyed for someone who had just woken up.

Chloe leapt from her bed in her bright pink PJs. 'Oh my gosh! I just remembered! Another secondhand plot for another peppy day at this remarkably un-academic academy. It's the Battle Of The Bands!'

Cola frowned. 'We never have lessons at this school, do we?'

'Shuddup,' Chloe hissed. 'We're three series in and no one's realised yet.'

Cola rolled her eyes. 'Fine. Well, the show must go on. Let's go meet the guys for breakfast.'

Zoey's leadership meter: Dropped 4 due to lack of authority over Cola.

'Oh… hi, Chloe,' Flace said, instantly nervous at Chloe's arrival. 'Here – take my seat. I love you,' he added with a mutter.

'What?' Chloe squawked, taking Flace's seat and stuffing his grapes into her mouth.

Flace sighed. 'Oh, never mind. Just another failed attempt at subliminal communication.'

Chloe giggled, not understanding. 'You're funny, Flace. Hey, have you guys got your act together for the Battle of the Bands today?'

'Oh, yeah! The Battle of the Bands! It's gonna be super-cool.'

'Ultra-cool,' his characterless friend Matthew added dully.

'Yeah, and you know who's gonna win it!'

Everyone spun round. Slogan, PCA's favourite arrogant hottie (omigosh) stood over the table smirking. 'Our band is gonna win, like we do every year, even though none of the other kids at this school talk to us.'

'Strange, that,' mused Flace, his finger tenderly caressing his chin.

'Trying your subliminal messaging again?' wisecracked the ever-witty and cunning Chloe, attempting yet again to maintain her role as the likable leader. Everyone laughed unnervingly loudly, except Flace, who gazed at her with longing in his eyes.

'Hey, Flace, you got the mix ready on your laptop?' Slogan questioned his roommate.

'Yeah…' Flace replied wearily.

'Although I don't know how we afford so much stuff… I'm gonna go check it out. See you at the losers end, ladies,' he simpered. Chloe put a hand on her hips, her cool look coming out of the freezer for another round of awesome putdowns. 'You are a new kind of obnoxious. You're so jerky! Beef has nothing on you.'

'Oh, I'm so scared,' Slogan responded, biting his nails.

'Well, you should be! We're gonna whip your be-hind! Come on, Cola, Nikk-kol. We don't have to listen to this.' Although they had been talking the whole time and hadn't touched their food, the girls got up and mindlessly followed an indignant Chloe into another twenty-two minute instalment of fun and adventure.

Flace and Matthew were the only pair left. Flace banged his bushy head on the table. 'Man, I'm so in love with Chloe, but she doesn't even know I exist! What can I do, dude? I can't stand it anymore!'

Matthew continued his display of unenthusiasm, his eyes drooping and looking towards the sky before rolling lazily down to regard Flace again. 'Why don't you just change the lyrics to our song?' he said in a monotone. 'Tell Chloe you love her etc. etc.'

'That's brilliant, man, I owe you one!'

'Yes. I know. You actually owe me thirty-two. That's how many episodes we've had. The same plot. Only different guises.'

'Whatever, dude. You're talking crazy! Chloe can't miss this!'

'Yes. It's not like she hasn't missed thirty-two other subtle nudges in your direction, is it.'

'Shouldn't that end in a question mark?'

'Not if I don't care about your answer.'

Flace decided to ignore his negativity. 'I'm gonna do it! Chloe, you will be mine… at last…' he ended in a sinister hiss, skipping towards his dorm room to doctor the tape.

Matthew looks at a nearby building, contemplating whether a fall from that height would kill.

Chloe's leadership meter: Gained 2.74 for her monster bringdowns against Slogan.