Ron Stoppable, dressed in a white dinner jacket, black bow tie, purple shirt, and gray trousers, emerged through the hatch and into the old tree house where he was pulled into an intense kiss by his girlfriend-turned-fiancée Kim Possible, who was attired in a blue strapless Sperlucci dress with coordinated necklace and bracelet.
The two college students were dressed to the nines – not only was Kim wearing her hair up, something she often did on special occasions, but Ron had actually traded in his ever-present sneakers for shoes. Earlier that evening they had supped at Chez Couteaux where, over a romantic, coupon-free dinner, the tow-headed sidekick had proposed marriage to the auburn-haired teen hero, who had happily and quickly accepted. The two young lovers, lips now locked, stumbled over to, and then fell upon, the battered couch that dominated the ramshackle aerie.
Ron's hand was beneath the hem of Kim's dress and quickly moving northwards while her fingers were gripping his backside, ensuring that her best friend beloved's bottom would be going nowhere. Physical manifestations of romantic inclinations were intensifying (i.e., the make-out session was growing hot and heavy) when the newly affianced heard the unmistakable sound of someone clearing a throat. Tongues stopped dancing, hands stopped exploring, clichés took a breather and two sets of eyes flew open, instinctively needing to see who had joined them. Upon indentifying their uninvited companion, Ron screamed – courageously, of course – and Kim paled.
Standing in the center of the tree house was a tall, lanky figure who wore a black, cowled robe and carried a large, weathered scythe. No face was visible, but ancient skeletal hands poked out from his sleeves. "Sorry to disturb you," Death said in a surprisingly genial voice. "I made better time getting over here than expected."
Kim and Ron, stunned by the unexpected visit, exchanged a disbelieving glance.
"What?" Death asked. "Was it something I said?"
Kim's shock quickly morphed into anger. "You so can't be here to tell us we're dead," she said.
"Actually, I am," he said. "Take a look."
Kim and Ron were surprised to find themselves standing next to Death, looking at themselves locked in what had been an intimate, passion-filled encounter on the couch.
"A touching tableau, really," Death observed as he looked at the twined forms of the two very recently deceased lovers. "People will talk about it for years to come."
When Ron saw just where his hand was, he gulped. "Your Dad is so going to kill me when they find us."
"I don't think that's going to be a problem," Kim said drily.
"Huh?" Ron said. "Oh, yeah, I guess you're right," he added, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry."
Kim rolled her eyes, then, hip cocked and arms folded across her chest, glared at Death. "Now what's the stinkin' sitch?"
"I'm Death, you're dead, and it's time to go."
Ron looked at their unwanted visitor through narrowed eyes. "Dude, how do we know you're really Death?"
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me," Ron challenged. "Just because you've got that hook thingie and, what I'll admit is a pretty cool hood, I still need to see some ID."
"ID?"
"Yeah, a driver's license or maybe a passport," he explained. "Something that tells KP and me that you're the Grim Reaper and not some wannabe poser."
"You've got to be kidding me," Death said incredulously.
"Note serious face," Ron replied. "The Rondo wants proof."
"This is insane," Death shot back.
"Understatement much?" Kim asked.
"Thank you," Death said, unable to hide his exasperation.
"Actually, I'm talking about you," she said in her most annoyed tone. "In case you haven't noticed, we're so not ready to go to the Great Beyond."
"Whether you're ready or not isn't the issue," Death countered. "If your name's on the list, your time is up. End of discussion."
"You've got a list?" Ron asked.
"Actually, a printout," Death said as he withdrew a large sheaf of paper from within his sleeve. "That way there are no mistakes. See, here you are," he noted, holding out the report. "Kim Probable, Ron Spottable, Upperton."
"This is so flawed," Kim exploded.
"Aw man, can't anyone get my name right?" Ron added.
"What are you two talking about?" Death said.
"Dude, you've got the wrong people," Ron said.
"What do you mean?" Death said as he was confronted with the possibility that he had made The Mistake He Really, Really, Really Didn't Like to Make.
"I'm Kim Possible, he's Ron Stoppable," Kim explained.
"And this is Middleton," Ron added.
Death looked from Kim to Ron's bodies to their specters to their bodies then to their specters again.
"You're sure?" Death asked.
"So sure," Kim said icily.
A very uneasy silence descended upon the tree house. "My bad," Death finally said with an apologetic shrug.
"Well, now that we've got that out of the way," Ron said with a theatrical clap of his hands, "you can put us back in our bodies and be on your way. I'm sure those folks in Upperton can't wait to see you."
"Ron!" Kim exclaimed.
"What?" he replied. "Hood Boy just told us it's not our time and while I'm all about being with you for all eternity KP, I'm not ready for this part of the program …"
"That's so sweet," Kim cooed.
"… Monique and I have tickets to the GWA Smackdown next week and …"
Ron's voice trailed off when he saw the intensely displeased look on his fiancee's face.
"… And then of course there's the badical wedding and big house and bon-diggity kids and a dog and fish, we gotta have goldfish, especially since Rufus and Han are so tight now and he's living at Mom and Dad's, and everything else I was kind of hoping we'd do together for the next seventy or eighty years before we finally kicked the can."
"Nice save," she said with a fond smirk and a buss to his cheek.
"Hey, I do what I can," Ron replied, his relief evident.
Death, who had tucked his list back into his robe, began to nervously rub the back of his neck with one of his bony hands.
"Spill," Kim demanded when she saw the Grim Reaper's manifest unease.
"Well, you see, I can't undo what's been done. Once you're dead, you're dead."
"Sorry, not buying it, Dude," Ron said defiantly. "What about those celebutantes I've seen on Dissing Death: Celebrity Edition? They said they were dead and came back, even after they'd seen the white light. I've not seen any white light. Have you, KP?"
"Look—" Death began to protest.
"Actually, Ron's got a point," Kim interjected. "Mom's told me of cases where people were clinically dead but have been revived. Why not us?"
Death sighed. "Too much time's elapsed since I arrived."
"No way!" Ron said.
"Way," Death replied, holding up an hourglass whose sand had run to the bottom.
"Man, this tanks," Ron sulked. "So, uh, how did you off us?"
"'Off us'?" Death asked.
"You know, pull the trigger, make us kick the can, punch our tickets—"
"Ron wants to know how we died. We were both feeling spankin'."
"The salmon mousse," Death explained. Seeing the confused expressions on Kim and Ron's faces he added, "Botulism."
"I knew we should have had those little hot dogs," Ron whined as his fiancée grimaced – the fish course had been her idea.
Her chagrin soon faded, replaced by annoyance. With her arms folded across her chest, a ferociously tweaked Kim Possible leveled a withering gaze at the Grim Reaper. "This is so many flavors of wrong. I want to talk to someone. Now."
"Excuse me?" Death replied.
"What part of 'I want to talk to someone' don't you understand?" Kim snapped.
"You can't 'talk to someone.'" Death countered. "It isn't done. Now, if we just get on our way, I might be able to get back on sched—"
"Hello!" Kim interrupted. "You're not the one who was told she's dead because of a clerical error."
"I'm sorry about that, really I am. But there's nothing I can do about it and we really need to be on our way."
Kim responded by turning her back on Death. Ron immediately followed suit.
"Fine," he said with resignation. "I'll set up a meeting for you with Peter."
"Whoa," Ron said as he turned back to face Death. "You don't mean the guy at the Pearly Gates?" Ron asked.
"No, I mean the guy who sang with Paul and Mary," Death replied peevishly. "Of course I mean the one at the Pearly Gates."
"You don't have to be so snippy," Ron observed.
Death counted to ten and regained control of his breath. Then he spoke. "Now that this has all been settled, can we be going?"
Kim turned around. "No," she answered.
"What?" Death said.
"We'll talk to Peter," Kim explained. "But he has to come here. We're so not going anywhere with you until we know exactly what the sitch is."
"Look, Peter's very busy. You can't seriously expect him to come here!" Death said.
"Uh, dude, check her motto," Ron said with satisfaction. "She can do anything."
Death saw the look of determination on Kim's face, shook his cowl and sighed. "Fine. I'll get Peter," he conceded. "I should be back in just a moment so don't go anywhere."
With that pronouncement, Death disappeared, leaving Kim and Ron alone.
To Be Continued …
Many thanks to special guest proofreader Molloy.
KP © Disney; Death © Dick Cheney
The salmon mousse gag was lovingly borrowed from Monty Python's Meaning of Life.
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