Hey!
This is my first Blue Bloods story of all time. I'm not sure if this subject is used a lot, but I wish not. This is my out take of Jamie's possible thoughts about him becoming a cop. I hope it's worth to read. :) And it's a one shot.
Well, enjoy!
Jamie Reagan had become a police officer. A rookie cop.
It wasn't that he wanted to disappoint anyone, but he knew that it was his call. They all said they were proud of him and they would support him no matter what, however, he couldn't miss the sad and almost angry expressions they gave each other when they thought he wasn't looking. If he was honest, it did hurt him. All his life he remembered them encouraging him to do his own decisions, to be brave and to stay strong, but now, when he finally was able to break free from the expectations, they started to act like he had done something bad. He felt like a villain amongst his own family! There shouldn't have been a reason for that.
His family was supposed to be his safety net, his home was supposed to be his haven. Unfortunately, it wasn't the reality anymore. It hadn't been for a long time. Ever since they had lost Joe the tension in the family had grown almost unbearable. The constant bickering and the never-ending argue were solidly tearing their little world apart without anyone actually realizing what was happening.
Since he was the youngest of the adults, he wasn't always taken seriously. It was the one thing that he couldn't stand. He knew he was clever enough to join the serious conversations after and during the Sunday dinners, but sometimes it seemed that the others didn't quite appreciate his opinions.
"Thank you, Harvard," Danny would state sarcastically more than often, when his thoughts weren't what the older brother had hoped for.
"You think like a lawyer," Henry might add every once in a while making Jamie secretly feel uncomfortable. Even his dad seemed to listen to him only halfheartedly. He had held his composure during these unintended attacks, but afterwards he always had to head out to a run, so that he didn't need to well up in his bitter thoughts.
At the years he attended to the police school he had found himself jumping off the table and sprinting outside in order to restrain from getting outrageous, a couple of times too many. It had been hard to notice that no one had come after him. It had shown how childish they thought he was. Hell, even he knew he had been childish at times, but he just couldn't help it. He had already been an adult then and he had been tired of being treated like a kid.
The morning of the graduation day he actually debated himself, whether he should go to the party or not. Part of him shouted that it was a really bad idea, but the rest told him that he wanted to go and see his friends and his family even if he had to pretend that they really did care. Finally, he did what was needed and went.
He couldn't help noticing the plastic smiles that were glued over their faces and that, most certainly, did not help him. He had hoped that even if their support wasn't real they would act like there was nothing wrong. Unfortunately, the disappointment was too visible for anyone to miss. Even when they came to hug him afterwards and congratulated him and told him they were proud of him, he felt something big and heavy hanging in the air.
It was only couple of days after Jamie had started in the beat when they were again sitting down for a one Sunday dinner together. He was unusually quiet and thoughtful but the others didn't put much to it. To them it seemed that he was thinking about his job which, actually, was quite true. He knew they loved him and they would always be with him, but still he sometimes felt he didn't belong. Even Sydney and Linda seemed to fit better to the family. At the times he received a concerned look from his father, but neither of them said anything, although they both knew there would be a time for the father-son conversation later.
So, soon enough after Danny and Erin had left with their families and Sydney was in the kitchen talking with Henry, Frank grabbed his youngest son by his arm and led him to the porch. He pushed the young man down on one garden chair and sat opposite him on the other.
"So," Frank stated and eyed his companion carefully.
"So", Jamie repeated and lowered his gaze to the floor following the soft lines on the wood.
"You going to tell me what's bothering you?" Frank questioned his tone gentle but demanding and Jamie flinched accidentally at that.
"Uhhuh… I don't know," the officer exclaimed softly and still didn't meet his dad's eyes.
"Look at me, Jameson. I want to know. Do you have problems with Sydney or Danny? Or Erin? Or… is it your… umm… work?" Frank managed his voice fading sadly and at that Jamie finally lifted his face.
"Dad…" he began, not knowing how to continue. He wasn't sure if there were any problems or if there were all the problems that anyone could think of.
"Please, Jamie."
Jamie cleared his throat and closed his eyes for a split second.
"I know you didn't want me to become a cop, but this is as much my call as it was once pop's and Danny's and yours and Joe's. I want to do this, dad. Being a police is something that makes me feel alive. I never felt that during my studies at Harvard. I enjoyed it and I really could have imagined myself as a lawyer, but this is more me. This is something I want to do the rest of my life. And right now I've come to a point where I don't care whether you approve it or not. It's my life. I would love to keep you all in it, but I can't if you're going to judge me and my dreams," Jamie explained quickly, never once letting his tongue loose it's touch to the words.
"Jamie… I have never been more proud of you than I am now. You have started to live your own life. That was the main thing me and your mother were worried about. We thought that you might try to please others all your life and never think yourself first. I'm sorry if I made you feel bad for your choice. I appreciate that you wanted to follow in your grandfather's and brothers' footsteps. And mine too. Still, I would have been happy if you had found your place from the field of law like your sister did. I would have felt relieved. I felt relieved when you first applied to the Harvard and got in. A father never wants to put his son in danger and now that you are on the force too, I will live every second of the rest of my life worrying about both of you. I already lost one to this job, I don't want to lose another," Frank said softly, leaning forward and reaching to touch his youngest son's shoulder. Jamie drew his mouth in to a thin line and nodded.
"I know that. I just… You would've lost me anyway if I had become a lawyer. It's not my thing. It might be Erin's and it could have been mine too, but it's not. I'm sorry I disappointed you. It wasn't my intention," he whispered slowly and bowed his head in silent defeat.
"Son, you've never once in your life disappointed me when you have made a choice that concerns your own life. It's not my place to judge you. It's your own. Father just has to be little worried about his kids. As I am. The reason we've been so distant – I know we have and I know you know too – is that we've been wondering if you did this choice to replace Joe or if you just realized this was your cup of tea. Now that I can tell it's the latter, I can finally breathe normally. This is a job you cannot take too lightly. I feared that if you did this out of guilt or the thought that you should do something to honor your brother you would wear the uniform half-heartedly and without proper dedication. That is a wrong way."
Jamie eyed his father and for the first time in ages he saw the real proudness and love in his face and he couldn't hold back a heavy, stuttering sigh.
"Thank you dad. This means a lot".
The police commissioner nodded and patted Jamie's shoulder.
"Just know that I will be treating you just the same I treat other officers. If you make a mistake, you will probably hear more about it than others, since you have big boots to fill. I won't say anything more I would say to the others, but the others will most certainly beat you up just because you're my son."
And that was when it struck to Jamie. It's hard to become a cop when you're a Reagan.