drapetomania- an overwhelming urge to run away
Staring at the ground ease her a little bit, calming her screaming nerves, staring at the grass that sways a little with the breeze, she watches the grass, not tinted with the familiar maroon fluid. She stares at it before once again looking up at the reality.
The grass that stretches beyond seems so peaceful, so serene, but that was just only her imagination. What she really sees beyond her hallucination is blood, blood everywhere now, the grass that was once green stained with the metallic fluid, the stale odour breaching her nose, but she didn't flinch, she's used to it by now.
Scanning around her vision, she sees the carriage, filled with cadaver, their bodies staining the once pure white colour with maroon, she hears the group mourn, sobs that slice the silence, the useless ushers of comfort, the severed limbs that are thrown on the ground, the steaming corpse of the titans, nothing seems to go into her mind.
It's just so blank, she's angry, that she cannot mourn when she wants to, no tears coming out, no sobs threatening to break free on her throat, her nails not digging harsh to her palms, no white-knuckled fist.
Nothing.
She's numb, can't feel anything besides anger. So numb even to her squads' corpse, there in the ground, like a bundle of sacks their face blank, eyes staring somewhere very far away that she cannot see. They've run ahead, and she wasn't fast enough to reach up, her hands that reach out to them, slowly dropped as she noticed they weren't going to look back at her, not even slow down their pace so that she could catch up to them. The look in their face, so blank, blood-stained faces that has no life anymore.
She just wants to lie in bed and wake up, just wants it to be a dream, to forget Armin's missing limbs, Sasha's missing jaw, Connie's missing head, Jean's half body, and Eren's severed limbs and body. She doesn't know why she's not crying her feelings out, to release this agony. She's feeling nothing, her eyes dead, as she just stared at the soldiers carrying more cadavers in the carriage.
"Help! Please, someone the Corporal! He, he's losing amounts of blood!"
Mikasa diverted her eyes to the frantically running Hanji, carrying Levi bridal style, blood dripping fast from his midsection, Hanji's cloth stained maroon now, she gets to see maroon now more lately on her acquaintances. Jumping into action, she jogs to Hanji as she puts Levi down, she heard his painful groan, blood pooling around him.
Hanji tore his shirt and began cleaning his deep gash, with a wet cloth, Mikasa grabbing the bandages and began to wrap as Hanji was finished, the blood stained the bandages, but it is expertly wrapped that the blood flow stopped.
"Mikasa," Levi's hoarse voice started, Mikasa looked at his dull eyes and saw it dead. "I'm entitling you as "Humanity's Strongest" live up to that, okay?" He said as he breathed in deep breaths.
"What? Why? You're going to live!" Mikasa shouted desperately, while Hanji began sobbing at Mikasa's forearms. "You damn midget, shorty, chibi, pipsqueak, you're going to live and stop making jokes." Mikasa said.
"I'm going to kill you for calling me that," Levi drawled. "Then you can kill me later" Mikasa said sternly, Levi smiled, rising his deadly pale hand and reached up to her hand to entwine their fingers and squeezed.
"Mikasa," He wheezed, "I- I'm afraid I can't do that, anymore" He breathed in, now gripping her hand tightly. His breaths now becoming shallower.
"Aishiteru" Levi said.
"Idiot, we promised we're going to say that when we're done slaying the Titans, Levi, please, we're almost done to our goal, we're going to see the ocean for them, you promised right? You're not going to break this right? You've never broke any, and you're not breaking this!" Mikasa was practically yelling now.
"Please Levi, please live for me, for us, for our future."
The thing is, he was never listening now. He's staring ahead of her.
Even he, outran her, leaving her in the abyss.
Now, the tears came, dripping from her chin, gripping the edges of his silly jacket, her body racked with sobs and screams. The weather became gloomy, pit and patter, the droplet fell, now, infinite amount of them came crashing in the ground. Mourning alongside with her.
She just wants to run away, away from everything, away from the cadavers, the sounds of mourning. She wants to throw away the burdens on her shoulders and run away freely, she just wants her future with no titans awaiting for their mouths open.
But, she can't, what she really wanted was to run away alongside her comrades, start a new life, a new world, a better place for the upcoming generations to live, not caged inside the humongous walls, their freedom gone just for the prevention of being invaded.
That night, she came back. The cafeteria so silent, her throat sore and dry, her eyes dry and reddish, her chest constricted, her body numb, muscles aching from all the tensions she applied to it.
Months have passed, Wall Maria is now rebuilding, so as Shiganshina, the latest expedition outside the walls have been almost a success, their goal was only one thing now, annihilate the titans, all of the recruits, all of the members of the three stations joined up, the operation took weeks to finish, and came back because all of them finished their gas and blades, there were to many cadavers to carry that some are left to be eaten. Mourning and screams of victory, neither one of them knows which is stronger.
The grave was built for the honours, her squad and corporal included there.
The latest expedition led by Commander Hanji, and Squad Leader Ackerman was successful, although prices was also paid, but nonetheless, all they were waiting for, was accomplished the last remaining titans killed none other by Mikasa.
A figure walked to the cemetery, her brown locks illuminated by the moonlight, her eyeglasses glinting along, and halted at the squad of Levi and him himself, crouching down to them, she did the familiar salute, representing herself to humanity.
"Levi, we reached it, we did it. The titans gone, the new generations can now live peacefully, Wall Maria is being rebuilt and it looks a little modern now, we just discovered light by means of electricity. I discovered it, I'm playing with electricity now. I research now about inventions to help us upgrade. The Reiss also invented car, it uses gas to move and it is easier than travelling with a horse, they said they'll try to create more." Hanji said, a tear rolling down her eye.
"A-and Mikasa, she's a squad leader now, just like what I used to be, she matured Levi, did you know that she became like you?" Hanji snorted, chuckling also, "She became obsessive about cleaning, not because she's depressed about you guys, I was shocked when I asked her if she's still suffering, y'know what she said? She said that she hates the stain on every cloth she sees and said she's tired of seeing a lot of blood, she became kind of more open now, like you said, she does look prettier smiling. Levi, I know that you can see her, I'm happy for her and I know you too and the others." Hanji took a deep breath, readjusting her glasses and broke into a grin.
"Levi, she's running away now, away from despair, and now she's running free, Levi. She told herself once, murmuring in her dreams when she accidentally slept in my bed, she said 'Aishiteru, Levi' there were no tears Levi, nothing but a happy grin, she broke free in the clutch of despair Levi, she flies now, flying freely."