Hoping, Wishing, Either, Whatever, a camp rock fanfic

Jack-O-Lantern

Mitchie

Some days, -OK- well, most days now...

I feel like a Jack-O-Lantern.

I feel like someone has scraped out all of my insides with a spoon and emptied me of everything...

But yet, I still walk around with a smile plastered to my face.

As if nothing is wrong...

But it is.

Everything. Everything is wrong. Nothing is right. Nothing at all could possibly be right. I know this. We all know this. So I am here, hoping. Hoping. Hoping either..either everything will return back to normal. Wishing. Or wishing that this will all just end instead. Either. Either will be fine with me. Whatever. Whatever happens, I know. I know.

Just how much I loved you before you hurt me.

And you hurt me.

Don't see how much you really hurt me.

You destroyed. Oh, destroyed every single particle of my mentality.

My mind. All that is in my mind. Everything in my mind-

Still revolves around you. How could you? How could you hurt me? Hurt me...

I once remember...

I remember. I remember you telling me something. Something that I believed.

Until now. Just now.

You told me. Told me. Told me that

"Pain is love. Understand, that if I ever hurt you, it is because I love you."

And I loved you. Loved you. Loved you so much.

But I never hurt you. I never hurt you. So why did you? Why did you hurt me? Because you love me? You love me. It was believed at a time. Now it is rubbish. Rubbish that I still cry over. And I still do cry over.

The dawn breaks. Yes, it breaks. Over the flat horizon. It brings me back to a time. A time when you told me.

You loved me.

When you told me, Pain is love. Please, please understand that if I ever hurt you, it is because I love you.

You even wrote it. You wrote it on a note. You left the note here. Here where I lay. I am still unaware as to how you got it up here. Up here in my room. My solitary where I lie. Where I cry. Where I was. Where I was when you hurt me. When you hurt me.

But it wasn't because you loved me.

If it was, you wouldn't have ended it the way you did. You wouldn't. No, you wouldn't have let me go on and on and on, thinking, believing that we would last. That we would last. How could you lead me on, thinking-believing we would last forever? When all you were going to do was end it. End it all. End it all forever.

You hurt me. You didn't love me. You didn't love me. But you made me love you.

Because I loved you. And I couldn't hate myself more for it. Because I loved you. And I can't regret it. I try. Yes, I try. I try my damndest to regret it. To regret everything. Giving everything to you.

Things that I can't get back...One thing that I can't get back. Two things. My love...and something else. Something that I gave to you... because. Because I thought you loved me. So I gave it up to you. I gave it up for you. And you did the same. We gave each other something that neither of us could get back that night.

Then weeks later. Weeks later, you destroyed my world. Oh you destroyed it.

(Hoping. Wishing. Either. Whatever. Remember. I know. I know. Destroyed. Broken.)

Over a phone call.

Then days later. Days later, I found your note. After so many attempts. So damn many attempts at trying to make things better. Better with me. I found your note. And it said

"Pain is love. Please please understand that if I ever hurt you, it is only because I love you."

You told me. You wrote me. You begged. I lost. I loved. You didn't. I lost. So did you. You apologized. I didn't.

Because when you apologized, it hurt me even more.

And I didn't. I didn't think that was possible.

It made me realize, you were apologizing for everything. Everything. Every single god damn thing. Loving me. (Supposedly.) Being with me. Making love to me. Hating me. Fucking me. Kissing me. Hugging me. Laughing with me. Smiling with me. Talking to me.

You were sorry for everything. You regretted it. Not me.

I couldn't-still can't throw you away. Even though you threw me. Threw me out of your life like meaningless trash. I can't do the same.

Because. Because you weren't a bad thing to me. You weren't a bad thing. So I couldn't just throw you away like you were. I keep our memories safe. Every memory.

I don't speak now. I can't speak. My friends. I lost my friends by now. My parents think I have lost my mind. They don't even bother anymore. No one does. Everyone knows. They know. They know.

By now, everything is gone. And it's all because of you. You kept me sane. Sane enough to live life at it's fullest. You made me happy. So happy.

Then you did it. You destroyed it. You lost me. I lost everything.

So the last time I heard you say sorry, all I could say was

"Don't be."

All life is, is now this stupid, every day, to do list.

Wake up. Get dressed. Erase tattooed memories from my head. Brush my hair. Try to eat. Go to school. Admit defeat. Drop my grades. Dropped on their own. Die throughout school, bus ride home. Crazy ride, everyone happy. Except for me. I sit there, not able but to think about all that could have been. Then home I get. Back to my room. The same place where that one memory can't be deleted from my head. It is burned into my mind as if it were a lit match being stabbed into my skin.

So this is how life is now. I haven't seen you since. Not since that day. When you said it again. And now, it runs through my mind like lyrics in my head.

"Pain is love. Please please understand that if I ever hurt you, it is only because I love you."

Well, understand. Understand this.

Because. Because I get you were 'hurt' when I rejected. When I rejected your apologies. And was it because I loved you? I loved you.

You hurt me. Hurt me so bad.

And seeing you again, brings it all back. It brings every single shattered memory. Memories shattered because of you. So here we are. Here we are. Staring each other down. I see everything flash through your eyes like lightning. At the sight of me? No. No. No. At the guilt? Possibly. Guilty because of what you did to someone. Someone. Me. What you did to me. And it all comes back. I can tell by the way you look at me. When you look at me, you see everything I went through that day. That day you called. It all comes back. When you realize, you lost the best damn thing in your life. The one person to love you. Not your fame. YOU.

Then I walk away.

Not able. Unable to look at you for another second. Because I can't fall for you again. Not again. And I know. I know. I know it will happen. When I look over at your perfection. Perfection. That is what I see. Your face. Hair. And even across the room, your eyes. Those eyes. Out of all the things I see in those eyes, I don't see a reason. A reason why you did it. So I leave. I leave towards the kitchen. The foresaken kitchen where I first met you. The foresaken kitchen at this foresaken camp I was forced to go to once again. The foresaken kitchen when I realized how big of an ass you really were. The foresaken kitchen where you said I changed you. Because. Because I taught you manners. And now. Now I internally smile. At the thought. At the thought that it was possible to change you. No one can change you. You are you. Pop star. Rock star. Famous. Famous you.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Weird. I know. This is a prologue to a story I am starting. Dark. Mysterious at the moment. Don't worry. It will be a normal story haha. I was hit with a random sudden inspiration. I decided to mix two of my songs together to write a FF. (In other words, I write songs and I decided to use two of them to make this. Lol.) I will start working on chapters for this soon. This is just a little taste. I won't start posting for this until I am finished with my Nitchie FanFiction "What Mistakes Can Bring Us." So check that out if you haven't.

Hope you liked it so far! I am excited to start posting for this. Kind of sad and strange at first. But hey. Normal is overrated. ;)

Love you guys always!

-Kristen