My Lover's Gone
By Funara
Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me—they are the wonderful creations of Togashi Yoshihiro-sama. The song doesn't belong to me either—it's the ethereal creation of Dido. I do, however, own this fic and all its trappings.
Warnings: This is shounen ai, teetering on the edge of yaoi. Read at your own risk. Oh, and this is un-beta-ed, since I haven't seen or talked to Rachel in over four months. I'll come clean--the fact that it's un-beta-ed means it's bad. Again, read at your own risk.
My lover's gone
His boots no longer by my door
He left at dawn
And as I slept I felt him go
Hiei left for Makai early this morning, obeying a summons from Mukuro that ended our week-long vacation. I knew of the summons, but it still took a moment to register the reason why I hadn't woken up to the sight and sensation of another body snuggled up against mine, why there were no boots or katana placed near my window. Instead, I was faced with a fully dressed Hiei, perched on the side of the bed and wearing his customary serious expression.
No words passed between us; we didn't need them. We'd said all we'd needed to say the night before, when he'd received Mukuro's message, before we made love. He kissed me goodbye, as he always did, a kiss that was long enough to be enjoyable but that terminated before I could part his lips with my own. He disappeared in a displacement of air.
Returns no more
I will not watch the ocean
My lover's gone
No earthly ships will ever
Bring him home again
Bring him home again
Botan visited me in the late afternoon, as the sun glowed blood red and draped a dark cloak over whatever obscured it. It was urgent, she told me, and it concerned Hiei. We hurried to Reikai.
I should have known what was coming. There was no other reason for which I would be brought to Reikai; Koenma had a new, perfectly able team of Tantei to take care of errant demons and disasters. But Hiei was strong, I thought. He could take care of himself. He had always done so.
Koenma tried to be tactful, but all he ended up doing was stalling. I asked for the facts, as politely as I could. And I received them.
Reikai's barrier controllers had let Hiei open a portal to Makai, and at Hiei's insistence, not offered assistance with the process. The portal had collapsed, the cause later identified as a failure to provide enough energy to keep the barrier from closing. Hiei had most likely been killed or if not, was trapped in the netherspace between worlds. Either way, there was no way to save him or his soul. Netherspace was a dangerous region that Reikai did not care to brave.
I left after that, but I did not go back to Ningenkai. I could not summon the will to cross between worlds, to open a portal, to see the barrier part for me as it did for another. I remained in Reikai. And I am here still.
My lover's gone
I know that kiss will be my last
No more his song
The tune upon his lips has passed
I know what comes next. Inari knows I've lost so many already. But experience doesn't make it any easier to accept that eventually, my memories of him will fade. The rare smiles, the gentle caresses, the almost shy kisses—all the precious moments I clutched possessively to my chest will be stolen away by Time, a greater thief I ever was. Even such seemingly eternal remembrances like the feel of his lips on mine, the rhythm and sound of his voice and the dark red of his beautiful eyes will evanesce quietly, my efforts to stay their departure as unsuccessful as the attempts of a child to keep water in his cupped hands.
I sing alone
While I watch the ocean
My lover's gone
No earthly ships will ever
Bring him home again
Bring him home again
Fool, I think. You have only yourself to blame. Were you not the who wanted to play, while he was unsure of whether he would have enough energy left to complete Mukuro's tasks? You were the one to whose cajoling and seducing he finally gave into. Your fault.
Is it, though? Hiei knew himself far better than I did. If he knew it would deplete his energy, he should have stopped me. Would have stopped me. Could have stopped me…
Whose fault? It doesn't matter. Placing the blame only creates guilt and remorse, human emotions both. There are no humans in Reikai. Only Death's attendants and demon criminals, all believers in Fate's untiring current.
Ought I stay here in Reikai and unquestionably accept Hiei's death, move on without a backward glance like a youko would? Or should I return to Ningenkai to mourn and regret and refuse to leave the past behind, as a human would?
I don't know. I can neither fully grasp my feelings nor decide which path I want to take right now. I am only sure of one thing.
My lover's gone.
--owari--