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The sun paints the most captivating patterns on his skin, and he's not even aware. I am aware of it. I've seen it so many times the sight is branded into my memory, and I know how to compare it. Sometimes I spend hours trying to select a winner among all the sights of him, sights that he doesn't know I have. Reflections of the sun on the back of his head, where the light-brown hair ends, or begins. Or shadows from candlelight that make his face look demonic. Or smiling moonbeams over his sleeping character. No, I haven't broken into Gryffindor tower but I've seen him sleep in my dreams. Sitting right behind him in Potions, I'm able to watch each move he makes and every mistake. Potions is his worst subject and I have to stop myself from correcting his faulty brews. Instead I just sit there and swallow all impressions of him until I'm able to save them inside me, as if he were a part of my own being.
His skin is almost as light as my own, but not as pale. I know that he's more of an outdoor person while I hide in the library. I used to be afraid of him but that was before it all started, before I knew that he would never harm me in any way.
The first sign I found was the way in which he took exception to the silly games Potter's Pack played with me. The regretful expression in his eyes as they once more had beaten me up or cursed my books. Although I don't think he wanted me to discover anything, I don't think he showed me this on purpose. However I did see it, maybe because I was looking so hard for something. I found hidden meanings in everything, in each word he ever spoke to anyone. And I still remember the first sentence he said to me as my friend, on our way to Madame Pomfrey:
"James would never want to hurt you seriously."
Words that naturally awoke disdain but also a wonder. Why did he justify him? Eventually the answer came to my mind, as another reason to hate Potter.
***
Am I supposed to teach myself how to live with this? Will I ever be able to look someone in the eyes and force them to accept the way I feel, the way I am? The disgust, the shame, the blame when he's getting too close and I have to brace myself. He would never understand- James would never look at me again if I told him. And what should I say?
This isn't something I asked for, nothing I've chosen and yet it's me. Inevitably, incurably and hopelessly me.
James and Sirius. James and Lily. James and Peter. Every formation makes me jealous in a way that is frightening and dangerously consuming. I wish he could disappear, sometimes I really, really do.
And then there is the other one, one who has made me realise who and what I am. He's more complicated. Loathed, lonely and still so very beautiful. He can understand my longing and he can catch it and curb it because he's just the same, just like me. All my worries, my blackest secrets he takes away from me as though they give him fuel. But nothing has happened between us, yet. In many ways I wish it never did either, because that will make all this beyond recall and I'm so afraid of eternity.
***
He's in love with Potter. I know this just as surely as I know that he will come to me and ask for help with his homework. He won't succeed with Potter though. It's a desperate cry for the moon, and I feel sorry for him. To love an idol, an icon, just to dream about someone like him…It's not an easy life he has created for himself, this boy I love. I would simplify it if only I could.
I've been dreaming of him tonight and the feeling, the scent, the taste remains in me until late afternoon. The thought that any of the boys in my dormitory could guess what it is that I'm dreaming about incites me as much as it scares me. I know they would kill me if they found out. But as long as no one knows, I'm allowed to dream about his body, his touch and his warmth against my skin. It's always hard to look at him after dreams like the one I had tonight, almost impossible to accept that I'm suddenly hurled back to reality again after hours and hours of his body inside my own.
And yet it's not an obsession of making love to him that tears me apart. No, I would be satisfied with so little- to brush his hair from his forehead when he's reading, to kiss the often cracked lips and talk to him during the long nights when neither of us can sleep. I would like him to tell me about Potter, about himself, about his feelings when he's sneaking out from the school to go and hide in his private hell. To own his confidence gets me more excited than anything else about him does.
***
It's something about him tonight, the other one. He explains the homework with his normal patience, but I can see that there is something hidden behind the blackness in his eyes. Not hate, this is completely different. And I don't know why, but I move closer even though he hasn't invited me in any way. I cannot stop it from happening. We're all alone in his dormitory and the impulse to kiss him gets to me just as quickly as his own kiss.
"I'm sorry that I'm not Potter," he tells me afterwards, as though he had to apologise.
"I'm glad you're not," I answer and smile. And I mean it. I'm happy that he's not the same kind as James, that he's every bit as different from him as I am myself.
He caresses my shoulders, holds me close and kisses me again. I don't say anything, don't stop him, I want this. I want him in a way that cannot be compared to my love for James, because this is returned.
"Severus…" I whisper soundlessly when the footsteps come closer. "Severus…does it sound like somebody is outside?
Before the door is even tore open he has already removed his gentle touch from me and stands in a different corner of the room. I, on the other hand, am sitting -quite taken aback- on his bed and feel how shame and lust unite to begin a violent torture of my body. Nott and Goyle enter the dormitory and check when they spot me. Severus is fast to act.
"Haven't I made it clear enough for you that you'd better get out of here now, you disgusting Gryffindor!" he hisses and suddenly the eyes are pure hatred again when he look at me. "Tell Potter that he can come here himself next time!"
Nott takes a further step, smiling threateningly at me. I rise in a hurry but cannot make my own lips move so I can't speak. Severus doesn't even look at me as I'm leaving and the thought of him not pretending to be evil keeps coming back into my mind that night.
***
He hasn't even spoken to me since that night in my dormitory. Not a single word. I should have understood it, shouldn't I? A kiss. What does a kiss mean? But it wasn't just one…And he did smile…The kidney in my hand is icy and I squeeze it to the breaking point, as though it were him. Somebody with a voice that comes from a place above my head tells me to stop playing with the ingredients and start my work. I understand that we're having Potions again, that he's in the room as well. Common laughs as usual, this is me we're talking about. I always cause some witty jokes with my mistakes. The damned Potter is smiling scornful at me and is asked to show the class his very own potion while I take my knife and project the picture of his pretty face on my kidney. Splash. Thereafter a shooting pain and Lily's girlish scream. Lily Evans, the poor excuse of a human being, screams and I look down and notice that the knife is still in my hand, piercing it. So what, does it really matter?
"Professor! Severus Snape is hurt."
Yes he is but not the way you think, you fool!
"I'm not!" I snarl but no one listens. "I'm fine, just leave me alone!"
"Somebody has to take Mr Snape to the Hospital Wing!" I clench my teeth so hard it gives me headache.
"I can do it, Professor Wycliff."
His voice is overheard in the loud class. His head is suddenly above the others when he volunteers. Potter's surprise is nothing compared to my own, but I don't say anything. I can't. The sight of my own blood is worrying me and my legs are shaking as I start my walk towards the door.
"Very good, Mr Lupin. Make sure he'll be all right. It was a bad cut."
***
His left hand is still sore but about to be okay when we're sitting outside school, on the fields right in front of the Enchanted Forest.
"You don't need help with homework anymore," he says and it's not a question but a statement. I can tell by the look in his face that he's disappointed at me and I don't blame him. I'm disappointed myself.
"I…" I begin, but he puts his fingers over my lips and strokes my hair. He's got soft fingers, I think, before we once again kiss each other and taste each other's longings. I hope that mine doesn't taste too much of James.
His tongue in my mouth causes chaos in me, but he seems so willing to join that I let him in. Soon his kisses are wilder and more impatient and I caress his chest, let my fingers wander down to his stomach, lower and lower until he groans. I'm already there, just wishing for him to discover that and do something about it. Ready, gently and tenderly he finds his way down to me, to the part of my body that shows him so much open desire, and I stop myself from screaming when he reaches it.
"Can I?" His eyes seem to ask me and I nod eagerly. He can. Of course he can!
Without further hesitation he moves his mouth and lips downwards, teasing me a while before they finally surround me in a way that I've never experienced. For a couple of seconds I wonder if he's done this before, but that thought is gone when his slow moves becomes faster and faster and make me stop breathing. And then it's his turn to press his nails in the ground when I want to give, want to send him through spaces of sweet and tasteful passion. I seem to manage that; he's all lust under my hands and mute for several minutes when we're lying in the grass waiting for the pleasant ache to calm down. He is the first to speak.
"I'm in love with you," he says and looks straight into my eyes. "And I know that you're in love with Potter."
James. I've just done something that I've always known James wasn't going to give me. Ever. And this is something I wouldn't have missed for the world. Is it possible to still love James after this, pretending that nothing happened? I don't know anymore. Severus is so close, so allowed. I can have him if I want, if I dare.
"It's different with James…" I answer and search for Severus' hands. "He's not like this…I will never be anything but his friend."
"No, you never will."
He leans over and gives me a kiss. In his eyes I suddenly see everything- all the unanswered questions and mysteries of universe are all clear in his black eyes, and I wonder to myself if it's my mood or if he's really that beautiful. His long black hair tickles me when we kiss again and it makes me smile.
"In three months we're graduating, Remus" he says and looks deadly serious. "Then you will have to chose…me or Potter…"
"I know" I answer and feel how every light spot in my soul runs away to hide in some unknown black hole. "I know that, Severus."
We steal every moment we can have together, and I know so well, too well, that it's not forever. But when he looks at me I push the knowledge away and pretend. Goodness knows what a successful illusionist I've become. This, this thing we have isn't made for eternity. It's made for hidden places around Hogwarts, for some hysterically used months as students without responsibility. Our meetings are the night's, the protecting darkness' and our kisses are behind closed and locked doors. We'll never walk out hand in hand in the cafeteria, like James and Lily. We'll never be like them even if we could, because I won't let that happen.
The Sorting Hat talked about courage when I came to Hogwarts. Courage and bravery. How can anyone or anything be so wrong? How can they call me a Gryffindor when I don't even dare to confess to something so obvious as Severus?
***
Now I suddenly get to know everything that I was wondering about, and my fascination is just as big as ever before. He tells me about his family and how it is to transform into a werewolf once a month, about being an outsider. The last thing is something that doesn't need further explanation, though- I know all about that! In many ways he is my soul mate, in others my total opposite.
"Star and moon" he says sometimes when he caresses me. "You and I are like star and moon…we exist together but not the same way."
It's a silly and banal metaphor, and I always laugh at it without him getting angry. We don't have time to get angry either, there are only three months left for us to discover each other and cope with the final exams- where should anger fit?
"You'll forget me in a year," I tell him and look serious because this is how I feel. There is so much in his life, so many people that I get no room. And he also knows…that's why he lies each time.
"Severus…I could never forget you, don't you understand that? Not for as long as I live."
For the moment he pulls me inside his warm, soft blankets but they will fade away. I know they will. And I wish I could kill Potter and Black and everyone else who gets a room in his heart. Because I want it to be mine, and mine alone.
***
The first time he keeps me company, follows me through school when I'm going to the Shrieking Schack, I have to pull myself away from his longing arms. He wants to come with me, begs me to let him be there no matter what.
"Bite me then, make me a werewolf," he says and kisses me. "It's no problem for me, Remus. We could share this, make it easier to endure. I'd do that for you."
I don't know how, but despite his sweet, tender hands everywhere on my body, I can say no. The disappointment in his eyes is hard to watch, but I kiss him again and let his hands under my robes.
"I could never hurt you like that…" I mumble with his tongue against my warm stomach. "I happen to love you, Severus Snape…"
"And Potter?" he asks breathlessly, but I know he doesn't want the answer to that.
"Him too…" I say anyway since I'm unable to lie to him. "I love him too…unfortunately."
Severus moves his lips higher, up towards my shoulders, arms and finally my face where they stop, focusing on my mouth. Wet, warm lips is the last thing I will think about before the transformation takes place, before I once again turn into a beast with thoughts that doesn't even come close to sensitive boys with raven black hair. I try to close my soul around his picture so that I will be able to look at it whenever I need to. He's so loveable that I'm surprised still. I didn't think he could possess this love, this passion.
"I will make a cure for you…", he whispers with his arms around my body and his head buried against my neck. "It should be possible…I've read something about it and one day I'll do it, I swear."
I think about his talent for Potions and smile.
"I believe you," I answer therefore. "Whatever you say I believe you…"
***
He, the one I love, he doesn't want to love me. Not really. When you get to know a thing like that, it feels as though something attacks you, trying to suppress and smash you to pieces. He will never tell anyone about us, will never chose between Potter and me simply because it is not a choice for him. It has never been. The first time he entered this school, it was beside Potter and when he now leaves it, it will still be with the damned Potter by his side.
I don't know why I thought he would change.
I've heard him talk about me in front of his friends. Potter's pack. Sirius was getting at something when he found me staring at Remus and some days after, as I was going to meet Remus in his dormitory, I overheard something. He's not stupid, he can add one and one together and I heard him ask Remus about me even though I wish I never had.
"The most disgusting thing that England ever produced", that's what I am. "How on earth can you even think such a completely repulsive thought, Sirius! Just because he's…well, he's in love with me, but if you for one second believe that it's mutual, I'll never speak to you again!" Laugh, laugh, laugh. Such a nice story, Remus. Too bad I was around to hear it!
Beyond love there is a future. I fully realised that today when I spoke to Lucius Malfoy and told him about my fine grades and my plans. He asked me to join them, the little group of witches and wizards he belongs to. I could do it, I guess. Since they asked and showed their interest in me. Remus would scream out loud if I ever told him the name of Lucius' master, so he'll never know. He's a different kind; he will have a better life than I could ever dream of. No blacklisting of his family, no connections with the wrong people…It's silly being bitter but very hard to avoid.
Lucius knows all about my past and he assured me that no one would care among his friends.
"All that matters is loyalty and hard work, Severus", he said and to me that sounds wonderful. My chance.
They have a meeting soon, Lucius Malfoy's friends. He invited me and I will go without saying anything to Remus. And I doubt he would care anyway.
***
Tonight he scares me so incredibly much. I've seen him walk away before without saying anything to me, but tonight he was so serious. As though he made an important choice, a choice that doesn't include me. Severus, Love…don't waste yourself on things you'll regret! Still I know it's too late. We're too late, too unrealistic, too forbidden. I'm too scared. Maybe James would understand after all, but I cannot take that risk. The thought of him turning his back on me is petrifying. To never laugh with him again, never jest, talk, make up crazy plans…He's got to be in my life, that's all there is to it! James and Sirius and Peter and Lily- my best friends, my only true friends. If self-denial is what I have to endure, that's what I'll do.
I know that Sirius knows, he asked me. Straight questions that I answered with pure lies, and something died right then. If only Severus didn't hear…if he could have been somewhere else where he didn't hear the words I said…And no matter what, he came to me the same night. As if nothing had happened, as if I hadn't just hurt him in the worst possible way. I can't understand nor forgive myself, but it doesn't stop my actions. I have to reject him from me. I have to.
Forgive me, Severus! Love me enough for forgiveness…
Reality has stolen my dreams. I fight in vain, and I know that he's lost in the same second as he returns to me tonight and refuses to let me undress him.
***
I'm exhausted when I return from the last meeting. Exhausted in a very negative way, since it's a tiredness that makes my blood icy and makes me snarl at Remus when he tries to kiss me. We have only a couple of days left in school and in our minds we're both already gone. He's left me for Potter and I've left him for Lord Voldemort, and the lack of presence is horrible to feel.
I love him still. I love him so much that it feels as though someone has paralysed me from the inside out. Never will any shadows fall on his face in my heart, never as long as I live. And I can hardly stand his hand on my skin because it's a reminder of what could have been.
"I love you," he says and caress my back. "You have to try to understand…and forgive…"
"You don't have to lie to me," I answer lowly. "I want truth, Remus."
Unable to lie myself, I find no forgiveness in his deeds. And I hate so intensely that a darkness has reached me and enclosed my own person, drowned me in sticky, slimy hate. He's standing there outside the darkness and will never understand. What an idiot I've been. Idiot, idiot, idiot!
"It's no lie…I do love you…"
His voice is weak; a lot weaker than I ever thought possible, and I fight against all impulses and emotions that tell me to kiss him again.
"We won't see a fat lot of each other in the future, right?" I snarl before I can tell that he's crying. He's crying! The knowledge of me causing him this is terrible. I give up.
"Remus…" I say and get closer to him again, careful and loving. "Remus, I'm sorry. I love you too. It's not your fault…"
Now he kisses me anyway, and I don't protest. It's like we need to do this one last time, as a good bye. Pathetic and sad in many ways, but we make love in the Prefect's bathroom several times that night. As soon as the sun is approaching in the sky, I know with a heavy feeling that leaves no room for doubts that it will never happen again. The mark on my naked arm is a reason, Remus' choice is a reason, and the whole cursed, damned, bloody earth is a reason.
"Don't follow me, Remus…" I whisper and kiss him on the cheek before I leave him this last morning. My footsteps are slow and walk in the right opposite direction, toward my own prison.