My Brother-In-Law Kip, by Kamal Lucas
I don't know who will end up reading this--probably nobody, but I just have to let this out or I'm going to probably do something I'm going to regret.
Simply put-- this crazy white boy married my sister.
Don't get me wrong--I have nothing against white folks. Some of my best friends are white, in fact. But this Kip Dynamite is W-H-I-T-E. What I mean to say is--he gets no sun, he's almost an albino.
He has no job and he and LaFawnduh are sleeping in my livingroom for the time being. I don't think this is right--a man has to provide for his family, I told him. He answered that he is currently taking an internet training course on how to be a private eye and not to worry.
But Kip not having a job isn't really what gets my goat. It's the way he acts all "black" in front of all of us. I told him: no black person except for Dave Chappelle doing a parody of Easy-E acts that way. But then Sis cries and says I'm wrecking Kip's self-esteem. She told me that he has a very fragile self-esteem and I'm "wrecking" it. So then I have to just grin and bear it--the "hey soul brother what's going down?" comments, the do-rag, the way he eats all my cheddar cheese and nachos, his clammy feet in those cheap slip-on sneakers you get at the Chinese discount store--everything.
And it's not like he spends all that much time with LaFawnduh. He's always on my Mac hanging out in the chatrooms. If I ever find out he's cyber-cheating on Sis I'm going to rip that mole right off his neck!
Everything I've said isn't why I'm so upset I'm actually writing this though. Kip's grandmother just passed away--and hisuncle Rico just made a play for the house! Said something about how he's back with his girlfriend and they need a place to "settle" into. I said to Kip: move into the house with LaFawnduh! Kip said, "no, the 'hood is my true home, homey." I was like, dude we don't even live in the hood! Then Kip's brother Napoleon, who doesn't get along with Rico, ran away from home and decided to stay with us. So now I've got Kip on my computer and Napoleon monopolizing my boom-box so he can practice his hip-hop dance moves.
I'm going to move to Idaho.