FINAL FANTASY VII
M'Dear Mideel
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Barrett is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Cloud is sitting at the computer, talking in a chatroom. Tifa walks in.)
Tifa: Cloud, what are you doing?
Cloud: I'm talking to Lulu10. Why?
Tifa: Well, would you mind shutting that off, please? You know my feelings on Internet chatrooms. Don't you remember what happened to Marlene that one time?
Cloud: But I'm a lot more responsible than Marlene.
Barrett: Keep dreamin', Cloud.
Tifa: Cloud, please. I need to use the computer for a sec.
Cloud: Oh, all right then. (he logs off)
Tifa: Thank you.
(Cloud gets up from his seat, and Tifa takes his place. She types the URL of her e-mail address onto the keyboard. She signs in, and checks her inbox.)
Tifa: Hey, look. There's an e-mail here from Aeris. I'll just open it and--oh my God.
Barrett: What is it? Is she dead?
Tifa: No, but it sounds as though she's in trouble. Apparently, at the time this was written, which was Monday afternoon, Aeris was in Mideel, and the town had been attacked by Shin-Ra SOLDIERs. She says the Shin-Ra have taken the town, and put the townspeople under house arrest, including herself.
Barrett: Sounds to me like li'l Aeris could use a hand from a certain resistance group...
Cloud: Wait a minute here, Barrett. You're not seriously suggesting we go to Mideel and do something to help our friend Aeris and those poor Mideelish, are you?
Barrett: Nah, man, I was gonna call the Forest Owls and see if they'd check on 'em. But us goin', that's an even better idea.
(Cut to Mideel, the forest. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are walking through the forest. Cloud is dragging all their luggage.)
Barrett: Typical Junon Airlines. They'll fly ya anywhere in the world, but d'ya think they'll actually fly you directly to the town center?
Tifa: Well it's all these trees, isn't it? If it weren't for the thick forest, the planes would be able to land nearer the town, instead of way out there in the clearing.
Barrett: Then in that case, someone should plow these #@$%^&* things down, and do us all a favour.
Tifa: How're you doing back there, Cloud?
Cloud: (fighting off a pack of HeadHunters) Nothing I can't handle!
Barrett: Well, just watch my luggage, a'ight? I don't want all my clothes full of claw marks!
(Cut to Mideel, the town. Shin-Ra troops are everywhere, patrolling the area and standing outside various buildings. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are watching from behind a tree.)
Tifa: It's just like Aeris said, the town's full of Shin-Ra SOLDIERs.
Cloud: How're we going to get in without being spotted?
Barrett: Chill, chill. Just let ol' Barrett handle this one. Listen, I'll create some kinda distraction to alert the SOLDIERs guardin' the town's entrance, then you guys run in and find Aeris.
Cloud: But what about the SOLDIERs inside the town??
Barrett: (frowns) Who d'ya think I am, Solid Snake?
Cloud: No, but I was hoping-
Barrett: Save it for laters, spikey. You two just concentrate on gettin' in there and dealin' with those stray guards, a'ight?
Tifa: Roger that.
Cloud: What she said.
(Barrett runs off. Rikku (from FFX) runs over, then stops.)
Cloud: What's up?
Rikku: Oh, I just wanted to wish him good luck.
Cloud: (to Tifa) Aw, hear that? Isn't that cute? Aw, so cute!
(Focus on two of the Shin-Ra SOLDIERs, guarding the town's entrance.)
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: D'you ever think about the future?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: No, not really. You?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: No.
Barrett: (walks over) Hi there, fellas. How's things?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: My buddy and I were just discussing current events on the Planet. Did you know, for instance, that President Rufus is having an affair with Scarlet?
Barrett: R...Really?? Get outta here!
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: No, I'm serious.
Barrett: I don't believe that! Not Rufus an' Scarlet? Ah, man!
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: That's nothing. I heard that Reeve is bonking off the receptionist AND the library assistant.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: Really? Where'd you hear that?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: Reno of the Turks told me.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: You can't trust anything that jackass says. I'll bet he just made that story up.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: You think?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: I know. Besides, there's a thing or three I could tell you about old Reno anyways.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: Yeah?
Barrett: Like what? Is he one of 'em transsexuals? I knew it the moment I first laid eyes on 'im!
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: No, but he does like to have sex with men occassionally, but only if they're three feet taller than he is.
Barrett: (frowns) Ah, that's a bunch of balony crap and you know it.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: Fine, believe what you want to believe. I know what I know.
(Cloud and Tifa are still watching Barrett from behind the tree.)
Tifa: What the heck is he doing? He's supposed to be creating a diversion.
Cloud: Maybe he is.
Tifa: Cloud, they're talking about Reno's sexuality.
Cloud: Oh.
Tifa: Ugh! C'mon!
Cloud: Where are we going, home?
Tifa: No, we're sneaking into Mideel, with or without Barrett's help.
Cloud: But if those SOLDIERs see us, we're dead meat.
Tifa: Yeah, but Aeris needs us. And if she's not worth risking our perfectly happy lives for, then I don't wanna know what is. Follow me. (walks off)
Cloud: Ah, geez.
(Focus on Barrett and the Shin-Ra SOLDIERs.)
Barrett: I'm not defendin' him, but I know what it's like to be accused of bein' fruity. If ya don't have proof, then how do you know it's true?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: Look, I caught him ramming that Big Bro guy from behind in the gym. That's proof enough for me.
(Cloud and Tifa sneak into the town, as Barrett and the Shin-Ra SOLDIERs continue their discussion.)
Tifa: All right! We're in!
Cloud: Now what? Aeris could be in any one of these buildings. Which one should we check first?
Tifa: Well, by the old process of elimination, the only building in Mideel which has its own computer is the medical surgery. So, Aeris must have sent that e-mail from there, meaning that must be the building she's currently under house arrest in.
Cloud: Wow, Tifa. You're so smart.
Tifa: Yeah, well, one of us has to be, I suppose. I mean, you and Barrett aren't exactly Professor Gast, are you?
Cloud: Hey, when have I ever not been intelligent?
(Cut to the Mythril Mines. Cloud, dressed as a tour guide, is leading a group of tourists around the caverns.)
Cloud: ...and this section of the mine is in fact the most dangerous. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the part of the tour where I must stress that you be very careful, do not stray from my path and keep close to me at all times. Believe me, you do NOT want to fall down one of these bottomless pits that are scattered throughout this area. Right then, if you'd all like to follow me.
(Cut to a bottomless pit. Cloud and the tourists are falling, screaming.)
Cloud: Oh, I'm so fired for this! (resumes screaming)
(Cut to the medical surgery. Doctor Mideel, Nurse Emma, and a small number of townspeople are inside, under house arrest. Cloud and Tifa walk in.)
Doctor Mideel: Thank heavens! Rescuers!
Tifa: Hold your chocobos, we're not rescuers.
Doctor Mideel: (upset) Oh, right.
Tifa: Doctor Mideel, it's us. Tifa Lockheart and Cloud Strife. We met once.
Doctor Mideel: Ah, yes, that's right, the Mako addict and the bar hostess.
Cloud: Hey, I can quit anytime I want. As a matter of fact, I came close to quitting my addiction last week.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, Cloud's room. Cloud is debating over whether to do Mako.)
Cloud: I've made up my mind, Mako. I'm not doing you anymore. I'm sorry, but I've got to quit you, for the good of my friends.
Mako: Ah, c'mon, Cloud. Just do me once more. C'mon, for old times sake.
Cloud: No. If I do you now, then I'll never be able to quit.
Mako: C'mon!!
Cloud: No.
Mako: ...chicken.
Cloud: Don't call me that.
Mako: Chicken. Buk-buk-buk!
Cloud: (covering his ears) Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!
Mako: Chicken!!
Cloud: Agh! (injects his arm with the needle, getting high on Mako) Ahh... (laughs)
(Cut back to the medical surgery.)
Doctor Mideel: Ever considered rehab?
Cloud: Once or twice, but then I just do some more Mako and dismiss the whole idea.
Tifa: Doctor, has a woman named Aeris Gainsborough been here recently?
Doctor Mideel: Gainsborough, Gainsborough... The name is familiar.
Cloud: She's a flower girl who wears this pink dress and sounds a lot like-
Doctor Mideel: Ah, yes, her. She was here.
Tifa: How long ago??
Doctor Mideel: Just yesterday, I recall.
Tifa: Yesterday??
Doctor Mideel: Yes. She said she was travelling the Planet on a spiritual journey to pray for our souls. Apparently, her journey had taken a slight detour, and she'd ended up stranded here. Unfortunately, before she could leave to continue her journey, the town was attacked by the Shin-Ra. Luckily, she managed to escape yesterday afternoon by bribing the guards with... uh, hmm, how much respect do you have for this girl?
Cloud: Not much.
Doctor Mideel: With sex, she bribed them with sex.
Tifa: Oh, dear.
Doctor Mideel: We haven't seen her since. Presumably, she's long gone by now though.
Cloud: Hmm, then that means we don't need to be here. C'mon, Tifa, let's go.
Tifa: Cloud, we can't just leave all these people prisoners in their own homes like this. We have to do what we can to help them.
Tidus: (walks in with Wakka and Rikku) Eh, don't worry. We'll take care of things here.
Tifa: What the...?
Doctor Mideel: At last, some real heroes. You'll save us from the Shin-Ra, right?
Wakka: Sure thing, brudda.
Tifa: But... this doesn't make a blind bit of sense!
Cloud: Nope, that's true. But, hey, least it means we don't have to all the work.
Tifa: (to Tidus) You really think you can handle this?
Tidus: We've been through worse situations.
(Cut to Besaid Island, Spira.)
Wakka: Sin's killed Yuna!
Tidus: Dammit. Looks like it's all up to you, Kimahri.
Kimahri: (wearing Yuna's clothes) Does Kimahri's butt look big in this?
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Barrett is talking on the phone.)
Barrett: You kiddin'?? Heidegger used to be a chocobo?? Unbelievable!
Tifa: (to herself, cleaning a glass) I still can't believe he chose to keep in touch with those idiots...
Cloud: (bursts in from the basement) Hey, everyone! We just got another e-mail from Aeris!
(Cut to the basement. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are sitting around the computer.)
Barrett: What's it say??
Cloud: "Dear Cloud, No I do not want to have a relationship with you. Stop bugging me, Lulu." Oh, no, that's the wrong one. Ah, here we go. "Dear Friends, Aeris here. Sorry if I my last e-mail scared you, but I'm fine now. I managed to escape Mideel, and arrived in the Gongaga early this morning. Next stop is Cosmo Canyon, and then I'm off up Mt. Nibel. I'm thinking of you all, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Love, Aeris."
Barrett: Aw, isn't that somethin'?
Tifa: At least we know she's safe and well, that's the main thing.
Cloud: Yeah.
Tifa: Well, I've got a bar to run.
Barrett: And I've got a call to make.
Tifa: Oh, Barrett, don't you think this is getting old?
Barrett: Information about the rich and powerful never gets old. Unless it's old news I'm hearin', but either way, it's better than living my crappy life. (he and Tifa walk off)
Cloud: Heh, those two. How sad their lives are. (starts typing onto the keyboard) "Dear Lulu, Please reconsider! I'm desperate!!"
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THE END__________
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M'Dear Mideel
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Barrett is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Cloud is sitting at the computer, talking in a chatroom. Tifa walks in.)
Tifa: Cloud, what are you doing?
Cloud: I'm talking to Lulu10. Why?
Tifa: Well, would you mind shutting that off, please? You know my feelings on Internet chatrooms. Don't you remember what happened to Marlene that one time?
Cloud: But I'm a lot more responsible than Marlene.
Barrett: Keep dreamin', Cloud.
Tifa: Cloud, please. I need to use the computer for a sec.
Cloud: Oh, all right then. (he logs off)
Tifa: Thank you.
(Cloud gets up from his seat, and Tifa takes his place. She types the URL of her e-mail address onto the keyboard. She signs in, and checks her inbox.)
Tifa: Hey, look. There's an e-mail here from Aeris. I'll just open it and--oh my God.
Barrett: What is it? Is she dead?
Tifa: No, but it sounds as though she's in trouble. Apparently, at the time this was written, which was Monday afternoon, Aeris was in Mideel, and the town had been attacked by Shin-Ra SOLDIERs. She says the Shin-Ra have taken the town, and put the townspeople under house arrest, including herself.
Barrett: Sounds to me like li'l Aeris could use a hand from a certain resistance group...
Cloud: Wait a minute here, Barrett. You're not seriously suggesting we go to Mideel and do something to help our friend Aeris and those poor Mideelish, are you?
Barrett: Nah, man, I was gonna call the Forest Owls and see if they'd check on 'em. But us goin', that's an even better idea.
(Cut to Mideel, the forest. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are walking through the forest. Cloud is dragging all their luggage.)
Barrett: Typical Junon Airlines. They'll fly ya anywhere in the world, but d'ya think they'll actually fly you directly to the town center?
Tifa: Well it's all these trees, isn't it? If it weren't for the thick forest, the planes would be able to land nearer the town, instead of way out there in the clearing.
Barrett: Then in that case, someone should plow these #@$%^&* things down, and do us all a favour.
Tifa: How're you doing back there, Cloud?
Cloud: (fighting off a pack of HeadHunters) Nothing I can't handle!
Barrett: Well, just watch my luggage, a'ight? I don't want all my clothes full of claw marks!
(Cut to Mideel, the town. Shin-Ra troops are everywhere, patrolling the area and standing outside various buildings. Cloud, Barrett and Tifa are watching from behind a tree.)
Tifa: It's just like Aeris said, the town's full of Shin-Ra SOLDIERs.
Cloud: How're we going to get in without being spotted?
Barrett: Chill, chill. Just let ol' Barrett handle this one. Listen, I'll create some kinda distraction to alert the SOLDIERs guardin' the town's entrance, then you guys run in and find Aeris.
Cloud: But what about the SOLDIERs inside the town??
Barrett: (frowns) Who d'ya think I am, Solid Snake?
Cloud: No, but I was hoping-
Barrett: Save it for laters, spikey. You two just concentrate on gettin' in there and dealin' with those stray guards, a'ight?
Tifa: Roger that.
Cloud: What she said.
(Barrett runs off. Rikku (from FFX) runs over, then stops.)
Cloud: What's up?
Rikku: Oh, I just wanted to wish him good luck.
Cloud: (to Tifa) Aw, hear that? Isn't that cute? Aw, so cute!
(Focus on two of the Shin-Ra SOLDIERs, guarding the town's entrance.)
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: D'you ever think about the future?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: No, not really. You?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: No.
Barrett: (walks over) Hi there, fellas. How's things?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: My buddy and I were just discussing current events on the Planet. Did you know, for instance, that President Rufus is having an affair with Scarlet?
Barrett: R...Really?? Get outta here!
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: No, I'm serious.
Barrett: I don't believe that! Not Rufus an' Scarlet? Ah, man!
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: That's nothing. I heard that Reeve is bonking off the receptionist AND the library assistant.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: Really? Where'd you hear that?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: Reno of the Turks told me.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: You can't trust anything that jackass says. I'll bet he just made that story up.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: You think?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: I know. Besides, there's a thing or three I could tell you about old Reno anyways.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #2: Yeah?
Barrett: Like what? Is he one of 'em transsexuals? I knew it the moment I first laid eyes on 'im!
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: No, but he does like to have sex with men occassionally, but only if they're three feet taller than he is.
Barrett: (frowns) Ah, that's a bunch of balony crap and you know it.
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: Fine, believe what you want to believe. I know what I know.
(Cloud and Tifa are still watching Barrett from behind the tree.)
Tifa: What the heck is he doing? He's supposed to be creating a diversion.
Cloud: Maybe he is.
Tifa: Cloud, they're talking about Reno's sexuality.
Cloud: Oh.
Tifa: Ugh! C'mon!
Cloud: Where are we going, home?
Tifa: No, we're sneaking into Mideel, with or without Barrett's help.
Cloud: But if those SOLDIERs see us, we're dead meat.
Tifa: Yeah, but Aeris needs us. And if she's not worth risking our perfectly happy lives for, then I don't wanna know what is. Follow me. (walks off)
Cloud: Ah, geez.
(Focus on Barrett and the Shin-Ra SOLDIERs.)
Barrett: I'm not defendin' him, but I know what it's like to be accused of bein' fruity. If ya don't have proof, then how do you know it's true?
Shin-Ra SOLDIER #1: Look, I caught him ramming that Big Bro guy from behind in the gym. That's proof enough for me.
(Cloud and Tifa sneak into the town, as Barrett and the Shin-Ra SOLDIERs continue their discussion.)
Tifa: All right! We're in!
Cloud: Now what? Aeris could be in any one of these buildings. Which one should we check first?
Tifa: Well, by the old process of elimination, the only building in Mideel which has its own computer is the medical surgery. So, Aeris must have sent that e-mail from there, meaning that must be the building she's currently under house arrest in.
Cloud: Wow, Tifa. You're so smart.
Tifa: Yeah, well, one of us has to be, I suppose. I mean, you and Barrett aren't exactly Professor Gast, are you?
Cloud: Hey, when have I ever not been intelligent?
(Cut to the Mythril Mines. Cloud, dressed as a tour guide, is leading a group of tourists around the caverns.)
Cloud: ...and this section of the mine is in fact the most dangerous. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the part of the tour where I must stress that you be very careful, do not stray from my path and keep close to me at all times. Believe me, you do NOT want to fall down one of these bottomless pits that are scattered throughout this area. Right then, if you'd all like to follow me.
(Cut to a bottomless pit. Cloud and the tourists are falling, screaming.)
Cloud: Oh, I'm so fired for this! (resumes screaming)
(Cut to the medical surgery. Doctor Mideel, Nurse Emma, and a small number of townspeople are inside, under house arrest. Cloud and Tifa walk in.)
Doctor Mideel: Thank heavens! Rescuers!
Tifa: Hold your chocobos, we're not rescuers.
Doctor Mideel: (upset) Oh, right.
Tifa: Doctor Mideel, it's us. Tifa Lockheart and Cloud Strife. We met once.
Doctor Mideel: Ah, yes, that's right, the Mako addict and the bar hostess.
Cloud: Hey, I can quit anytime I want. As a matter of fact, I came close to quitting my addiction last week.
(Cut to 7th Heaven, Cloud's room. Cloud is debating over whether to do Mako.)
Cloud: I've made up my mind, Mako. I'm not doing you anymore. I'm sorry, but I've got to quit you, for the good of my friends.
Mako: Ah, c'mon, Cloud. Just do me once more. C'mon, for old times sake.
Cloud: No. If I do you now, then I'll never be able to quit.
Mako: C'mon!!
Cloud: No.
Mako: ...chicken.
Cloud: Don't call me that.
Mako: Chicken. Buk-buk-buk!
Cloud: (covering his ears) Stop it! Stop it!! Stop it!!!
Mako: Chicken!!
Cloud: Agh! (injects his arm with the needle, getting high on Mako) Ahh... (laughs)
(Cut back to the medical surgery.)
Doctor Mideel: Ever considered rehab?
Cloud: Once or twice, but then I just do some more Mako and dismiss the whole idea.
Tifa: Doctor, has a woman named Aeris Gainsborough been here recently?
Doctor Mideel: Gainsborough, Gainsborough... The name is familiar.
Cloud: She's a flower girl who wears this pink dress and sounds a lot like-
Doctor Mideel: Ah, yes, her. She was here.
Tifa: How long ago??
Doctor Mideel: Just yesterday, I recall.
Tifa: Yesterday??
Doctor Mideel: Yes. She said she was travelling the Planet on a spiritual journey to pray for our souls. Apparently, her journey had taken a slight detour, and she'd ended up stranded here. Unfortunately, before she could leave to continue her journey, the town was attacked by the Shin-Ra. Luckily, she managed to escape yesterday afternoon by bribing the guards with... uh, hmm, how much respect do you have for this girl?
Cloud: Not much.
Doctor Mideel: With sex, she bribed them with sex.
Tifa: Oh, dear.
Doctor Mideel: We haven't seen her since. Presumably, she's long gone by now though.
Cloud: Hmm, then that means we don't need to be here. C'mon, Tifa, let's go.
Tifa: Cloud, we can't just leave all these people prisoners in their own homes like this. We have to do what we can to help them.
Tidus: (walks in with Wakka and Rikku) Eh, don't worry. We'll take care of things here.
Tifa: What the...?
Doctor Mideel: At last, some real heroes. You'll save us from the Shin-Ra, right?
Wakka: Sure thing, brudda.
Tifa: But... this doesn't make a blind bit of sense!
Cloud: Nope, that's true. But, hey, least it means we don't have to all the work.
Tifa: (to Tidus) You really think you can handle this?
Tidus: We've been through worse situations.
(Cut to Besaid Island, Spira.)
Wakka: Sin's killed Yuna!
Tidus: Dammit. Looks like it's all up to you, Kimahri.
Kimahri: (wearing Yuna's clothes) Does Kimahri's butt look big in this?
(Cut to 7th Heaven, the bar. Barrett is talking on the phone.)
Barrett: You kiddin'?? Heidegger used to be a chocobo?? Unbelievable!
Tifa: (to herself, cleaning a glass) I still can't believe he chose to keep in touch with those idiots...
Cloud: (bursts in from the basement) Hey, everyone! We just got another e-mail from Aeris!
(Cut to the basement. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are sitting around the computer.)
Barrett: What's it say??
Cloud: "Dear Cloud, No I do not want to have a relationship with you. Stop bugging me, Lulu." Oh, no, that's the wrong one. Ah, here we go. "Dear Friends, Aeris here. Sorry if I my last e-mail scared you, but I'm fine now. I managed to escape Mideel, and arrived in the Gongaga early this morning. Next stop is Cosmo Canyon, and then I'm off up Mt. Nibel. I'm thinking of you all, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Love, Aeris."
Barrett: Aw, isn't that somethin'?
Tifa: At least we know she's safe and well, that's the main thing.
Cloud: Yeah.
Tifa: Well, I've got a bar to run.
Barrett: And I've got a call to make.
Tifa: Oh, Barrett, don't you think this is getting old?
Barrett: Information about the rich and powerful never gets old. Unless it's old news I'm hearin', but either way, it's better than living my crappy life. (he and Tifa walk off)
Cloud: Heh, those two. How sad their lives are. (starts typing onto the keyboard) "Dear Lulu, Please reconsider! I'm desperate!!"
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THE END__________
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