His arm was reaching out, snagging on the rough edges of coat as he lost control. His body hung there for a moment as he tried to get his hand to push back; to do anything but the motion Lucifer struggled to maintain.
The face in front of him made a small 'oh', eyebrows drawn together but there was no sign of shock as the balance wore thin and they were falling into that abyss. Lucifer was already rising with a wave of fury crackling through his nerves but all he could do was look at Michael, the heartbroken gaze that rested in those eyes.
"Oh Sammy, you and I will have such times together. Here in the dark where no one hears." Lucifer sang with an edge to his voice whispering of danger and madness. A ripping sensation and he fell to darkness, suddenly feeling empty as the air that wasn't really there rushed around them.
XX
Perfect Pain. That's what Lucifer had called it and maybe it was. There was little time to reflect on what that meant as everything that was him screamed in some strange unison like a choir trying to achieve that pitch that fractured glass.
Sometimes he wondered if Lucifer was trying to tune his screaming to shatter their prison.
A moment of respite washed over him and he heard the devil off singing to some far corner of this hole, nothing to speak of except the lunatic that appeared like his old vessel. Sam figured in these few precious moments that he was himself that it was his brain not being able to see true forms down here.
"Oh brother mine, wouldn't you like a piece of maggot that got us both trapped down here?"
Sam never heard any answer and Lucifer sneered, a twist that was malevolent and full of instability.
You don't deserve a brother, he thought wildly trying to hold onto the fragmented memories he still had of Dean.
Lucifer's grin just spread more to the point that Sam thought it would crack his face till the angel seeped out to begin again.
XX
"Why?"
Green eyes were staring but he knew who this was. Dimly he remembered he had little brother but so much felt gone, washing away as time slide by at the dizzying pace of ice.
"Why what, brother?"
"What good does it do to shatter his soul?"
"I'm trying to create the perfect human," Lucifer snapped, a whine under his voice and Sam had a flash of memory of him using that tone before. It took a moment before he was able to come up with Dean. "One that obeys, has no connections. Just is as it was meant to be."
"Then it is no longer human."
There was a growl from Lucifer, the one name that always pounded in Sam, the one thing he never forgot as the other man's head tilted slightly looking at him. Like some rather interesting but rather useless piece of art. A laugh bubbled up at that thought unbidden and Lucifer's face melted into something almost fond, something that said 'I can almost tolerate you now'.
I'm okay, Sam thought at those green eyes watching. I will forget and then I will be pleasing.
"You see, brother, it will be something to behold when I am done."
The pain rippled through as it devoured more, and he found he no longer cared.
XX
There were still images, a man with brown hair and eyes the color of fresh fields with freckles everywhere who laughed but rarely smiled. They haunted Sam now, he didn't know who it was but it felt like something he should remember. Something sacred that was being taken but it was too late now. That man was almost gone, the one that held him and always came. It shouldn't be forgotten but it was all the same.
Lucifer promised it would all be for the best, that he would be pure.
The devil smiled down at him, something warm this time in the look "Soon, you're almost there."
It seemed like such a kind promise, that the pain would stop and he would be what he needed to be. Lucifer looked ready to finish when a sword of blazing fire burst open his chest and Sam felt his eyes widen as something that wasn't blood poured from the wound. The blade twisted and there was a choking sound, a mix of disbelief and betrayal but Sam felt calm. There was nothing to be done since he could do nothing so he simply watched as Lucifer clawed helplessly at his chest sinking on the blade as it cut upwards.
"Relax, brother mine," said a voice Sam did not recognize. "We do not die here. I wish to take your experiment."
"Michael," came a gasp as the blade cut upwards and was close to freedom through Lucifer's shoulder. "What are you doing?"
There was no answer, simply the blade sliding through those last precious inches and Lucifer collapsed beyond his view. Sam felt he should be more upset over this, the angel had been helping him but he couldn't find the effort to raise such concern. Instead he watched as a man stepped forward that wasn't familiar and touched his face gently.
"Hello Sam."
Hello.
"He took your voice." There was no hint of question and Sam nodded.
An opinion makes me imperfect. He would take all my thoughts too if he could to make me perfect.
"Do you know who I am?"
Michael? It seemed a fair enough guess from what Lucifer had cried out and that head tilted watching him.
"Do you know what that means?"
No. Nothing had meaning outside what was given meaning to him by Lucifer.
"Rest."
Fingers slipped along his brow soft and welcoming and for the first time since he came here he drifted off without anguish.
XX
Everything felt like it was on fire, like some thoughtful person had come along and lit up all his nerves at once then skipped along while he convulsed. Somehow he got his eyes open and it was dark. The feeling of heat pressed up against him, something surrounding him before he realized he had his face buried against something. Carefully, since if he moved too fast there were explosions through his mind, he turned his head and took in the face staring down at him. Adam.
No, his mind corrected, not Adam.
"Your brother is in heaven. Stay still."
Awareness crept back up on him. They were in the Cage, Lucifer had dragged Michael down with them and then, then…his mind refused to work over that last part. How he got to be with Michael was a mystery but perhaps one he could live with.
A whisper soothed over his skin calling and he felt Michael's hold on him tighten. Even though it was just arms wrapped around him it felt like he was completely surrounded. Some fractured part of him wondered if it was wings and saw a small upturn of the angel's mouth that was half smile half grimace.
"Rest again Sam. It will get better."
He fell back into the arms of blissful unawareness.
XX
The feeling of being engulfed was still there when he stirred again but the fire was slowly being extinguished in him. There was enough of him this time to know he was still being held by Michael somewhere in the Cage buried and forgotten in hell. Idly he wondered if he was still flesh and bone or if this was just his soul that was so raw and undone.
"Why?"
That head of mussed hair with sharp eyes turned to him, searching for something and Sam wondered if it was sanity or the root of his question. A laugh burbled somewhere in him as he thought his sanity had checked out before they hit.
"I do not wish to truly become a monster."
There was something under that, some unstated fact that Sam knew he was missing that slipped and slide through him in mocking strides. He was so tired though he didn't care and felt the hold on him strengthen and then a small sensation of movement. The whispers dimmed and he realized it was Lucifer calling for them, playing with his prey.
I'll slow you down, his mind supplied staring up at those almost blank eyes. Then he'll find us, he'll find you. What did you do, Michael?
"Rest, we will be alright."
The darkness was welcoming and he slide back into it.
XX
Something like rage flared into him when he realized who was holding him and he clawed against that chest, arms like tight twine wrapping him in place.
"Be still."
"This is your fault," he growled out. "You wanted your little fight so Daddy would come home."
Those eyes were back on him and there was something other than cold angelic blankness lurking as they took him in. That face leaned down where he was pinned and that rage curdled more, swelling at the travesty of this. A savior far too late.
"You want to know what I did up until the time your brother descended into hell?"
"You mean outside of screw with our lives?"
"I sent cupids," came the voice, low and commanding and Sam stilled. "Outside of the unfortunate incident with Anael, all I had to do was make sure the love between the lines was recognized. Your family destroyed itself. Especially you Samuel Winchester. Everything you did, you did eventually to yourself despite your brother standing there."
"No, I –"
"I'd give you back if he wasn't insane," the angel continued, voice brittle. "If he wasn't trying to turn you into an even greater abomination then his pets since both of you walked away of your own free will. Wouldn't Dean be impressed that he was right about choice after all?"
Something seared and snapped inside him, a hinge that had been set up to keep that door closed, to keep out that truth. He shook his head, squirming wanting to get away but he was held fast, and for the first time he wondered what was really holding him compared to what he could see.
"You are weak," Michael snarled. "Just like Lucifer. That's all you are and what you always will be, Sam Winchester. A pawn in a vast game who thinks he is a king."
Everything went out of him, those eyes staring deep and seeing everything laid open and bleeding and he let out a cry that was muffled by Michael rolling him into his chest.
"Do not make so much noise stupid child. I despise having to move."
All he could do was nod, trying to sob silently as he finally remembered Dean, the look in his eyes when he had betrayed his own brother.
XX
"Sam."
A voice pulled him out of the murky depths his consciousness, or whatever he was residing in, and he looked up still held in those vice hands. Michael's face was tight, his lips pressed thin and he thought wildly that Lucifer had found him but they seemed to be alone. A whisper and the sensation of ruffling, as though he was being cut off from everything around them.
"What's wrong?"
"We are in hell, child," came the response as though he was two and needed to be reminded once again where he kept waking up. It wasn't like he didn't want to wake up in some hooker hotel with his brother snoring and flopped out on the next bed. He just knew that was a very unlikely possibility right now. Then a soft sound almost like a sigh but wasn't. "You are aware of what hell does to souls by existing alone. Just being here, this deep in this place as something like me, is – unpleasant."
Seeing the pinched expression on a face that rarely held emotion, Sam would venture it was miles past unpleasant. The sharp look he got also informed him to keep his opinions safely to himself.
"It will pass."
"What – what did you do to save me?"
"It is of no importance."
"But –"
"Silence, boy," the angel hissed and Sam snapped his mouth shut. "Your brother is reckless with his own well-being. I would be surprised if he does not find a way to free you. Be grateful for this gift and pray he forgives you for what you've done."
They were silent until Sam slipped back into dreams he could not remember, his thoughts cluttered with Dean.
XX
It felt like years had rushed past them even if that seemed an impossibility. Always in the same position and now almost never speaking, the silence some vast expansion and Sam bit back the want to be closer. They felt rather close now, far more so then their positioning suggested, and he wondered from time to time if Michael had him tucked up in his true form. The whispers rippled across the blackness of this all, Lucifer lazily playing with his food before deciding when to eat. Just that strange sensation of Michael keeping him at bay, held up and away despite what his mind was telling him was reality.
Somedays he wondered if Dean was alive, if he had found any happiness with Lisa and a part of him twisted and wronged hoped that he hadn't. That deep part that wanted his brother to suffer and he wished it was out of him, gone and washed away. It became so thundering at times that he almost begged Michael to let him go back to Lucifer so he wouldn't remember, just let the haze drop down till he had no will or life.
Other days he couldn't think of Dean at all without feeling like he would be stripped to nothing in grief.
Then there was the angel, always holding him, quiet and listening for the threat of his once baby brother floating in the murk out there. It was on a day when the angel's face was tight again as if in agony that Sam did something so fundamentally stupid that it could only be described as classically Winchester.
He reached out a hand and touched that face, those eyes snapping open and staring at him.
"What, Sam?"
"I – I – it's just that you," he stammered and couldn't free his hand, wanting to keep touching because it wasn't skin his fingers were against, bright and burning. "What did you do?" he whispered and those eyes finally looked away, a feeling of shame blinding and cold flashed in him.
"It doesn't matter."
"How could not matter?" Sam demanded with a dizzying mix of frustration, confusion and dread nestling into his stomach. "Did you do something to yourself to save me?"
"Sleep Sam."
And he tried not to scream in helplessness as he fell back into dreams.
XX
"He doesn't know," Michael murmured with something sounding like bitter humor lacing the words. "The fool still hasn't figured it out."
Sam watched the archangel, who seemed almost unaware that he was awake against him as those lips moved and flexed into something like a twisted smile. They hadn't spoken since the last time Sam had done something foolish and he felt perhaps he had saved up enough energy for stupid Sam trick #132.
"What does he want?" he tried instead of asking the obvious like how he was still whole. Michael looked down at him, eyes drowning in their own despair.
"He wants me. That he will leave you alone if I come and give him the same 'comfort'" and the last word was almost spit out, chewed up. "What he does to me here you will feel, but he has yet to understand that."
"And that is?" Sam ventured hoping he might get an answer because they had nothing but time down here as it glided by them like a taunt. The archangel made a small noise, something like amusement but undercut with a feeling Sam was getting.
"You will hate me."
"And that concerns you?"
He knew his eyes were wide staring up at that face now since he kind of felt that this creature had no use for him outside of duty.
"Strangely, it does now."
Sam decided to dare fate and reached back up again to touch that face that was not flesh and the archangel closed his eyes, something like a tremble that reached Sam across what seemed like a void between them.
"Very well," Michael said, his voice quiet and flat. "I had to fuse your soul back together with my grace, enough that we are eternal together. It was the only option to keep you from scattering and why you felt so much pain at first."
If Sam hadn't already been in hell he would have sworn that this was the most unbelievable, unacceptable thing to have happened to him. Apparently consent was only a vessel issue and anger flared before he felt something else, an emotion that wasn't his before it evaporated like water in the midday sun.
"Why would you do this?" The words barely made it past his mouth.
There wasn't an answer and Sam felt himself slide back to sleep as the years yawned wide and hungry.
XX
"Michael?" The angel made a humming noise, his eyes staying focused and almost glazed to a point over and above Sam. "What happens if Dean –"
"When."
"When Dean," Sam corrected, trying not to roll his eyes, "gets me out?"
"To you? You should be alright," Michael said, his voice stiff but sure.
"And you?"
"The mercy of insanity most likely."
"Michael –"
"Hush child."
Sam hushed.
XX
It felt as though the angel had him sectioned off in some part of himself, separate but still receiving the benefits of protection from an archangel. Sam buried his face in the coat that wasn't really there, wrapping his hands in that non-existent fabric that hummed between his fingers causing Michael to make a soft sound.
"You should let me go. I belong here for the blood on my hands."
"Not for eternity, Sam."
"And you do?"
Another small sound and Sam didn't have to look to know Michael was looking down at him again. The arms on him tightened and Sam felt the gulf between them grow wider, as if the angel was trying to hide from the soul he was wrapped around.
"Will you tell me?"
"It is something that only my Father and I know." Michael's voice had a soft edge, grieved and almost broken. Sam buried his fingers further in that non-existent cloth. "But as this is my eternal fate perhaps it is time to confess for the first and last time."
There was something lurking under those smooth tones, hinting of pride, that this was a human asking for such a secret and unworthy. Sam wanted to point out that he already knew he was unworthy and most likely would never be forgiven. But the archangel was suffering, whatever it was had helped shape everything that came after it to this point, like the entirety of the world narrowed down to one past choice that doomed everything.
"All I can do is listen but if you want to tell me I will."
"I have done many questionable things in my long life but your brother and I share one fault: we love someone more than everything." Michael paused and Sam wanted to tell him he did not need flashing neon signs to know that someone was the very one stalking them through this place. Instead he held on tighter. "It is why the Cage exists, Sam, built with my own hands. I begged my Father to spare my brother's life at the cost of everything."
With that the gulf between them was gone and Sam felt encased fully in the archangel, the suffocating grief churning through everything that made him himself. All he could do was grip tighter as the angel began to speak again.
XX
It had been a long time since Michael had finally fallen silent, his grace moving over Sam like a river, though in it now was a sense of peace. Sam still lay in his arms, face buried in what was all Michael even if his puny human eyes couldn't see it and he felt cleaner than he had in along time.
"Sam," the angel said after what seemed like a decade and it probably had been, "thank you."
"If I make it out of here will I remember you? Any of this?"
"No, and it would do you better to keep it that way." There was a quiet horror in those words that made him look up at that face that wasn't really his brother.
"Someone should remember you."
"I need no such thing."
Sam fell silent as they felt Lucifer growing closer, finally beginning to tire of his game with Michael. He knew it wouldn't be long before the devil was beside them and he wanted Michael to break their bond, to cast him back at Lucifer's feet.
"Why would you want such a thing?"
"So you aren't hurt by something you still love."
A small quiet noise that rang through Sam like a sob and Michael shook his head ever so slightly. Hands curled up tighter, a sensation of heat and flame but there was no pain, and he relished it in this cold place that held nothing but misery.
"I thought I had nothing left for him to take from me but I understand now that you are the last thing."
All he could do was try not to voice 'I'm not worth it' even as the angel heard and he fell further into that warmth.
XX
"Sam, he's coming."
There was only resignation there as Sam felt ultimate terror break free and fully bloom up inside him. He knew there was nothing to be done, that Lucifer would always come to this and before it had just been a game to get Michael to suffer a little bit more. A slight reprieve to make what followed twist further in.
"Brother mine," and the devil's cold presence was close to them. Sam closed his eyes, he didn't want to see. A sharp breath, or what his mind translated into a breath, was right beside them. "Brother, you have sullied yourself, made yourself into an abomination with this," Lucifer hissed, anger prevalent and cutting.
"I grow weary of your games, Lucifer."
"It seems like you are playing one all your own." A shudder ran through Michael. "You dislike my touch now? After all this time when only you and Father could hear me scream and you can't even give me one mercy?"
Sam would have thought the words sincere if he hadn't been able to feel the contempt forcing them out in quick pulses.
"You spent my mercy long ago, Morning Star."
"So be it. This should be easier with you trying to protect that little maggot and then I can break this hideous thing you've done to yourself. Really Michael, have you truly lost your mind?"
"Go to sleep, Sam," the archangel was saying to him, the darkness threatening to take over Sam's consciousness all over again. He wanted to scream at Lucifer, anything for this not to be happening as the feeling of movement and sleep rushed over him at once and all he got out was a pitiful please
XX
It was so bright that he felt a headache forming and that was seconds before he realized his eyes were closed. Rolling over he moaned into what felt like grass against his face, fingers digging into earth that was hard and solid.
Then he snapped his eyes open because he knew where he should be and this wasn't it. The world swam and danced in front of him before he mashed his eyelids back down, a surge of nausea drifting uneasily in the back of his throat as it decided whether or not to make a presentation. As he deliberated whether or not he wanted to attempt the whole waking up thing again, there was a sound near him and his breath stilled.
"Sam?"
Even if he didn't want to see what sort of fresh hell he was in now he opened his eyes slowly this time and took in the sight of a man who was kneeling beside him. Dark hair and skin the color of creamed coffee, and God he was suddenly hungry as he saw those blue eyes staring at him in wonder.
"Michael. Are we, are we on –"
"Yes, beloved," came the soft response as the angel tilted his head back to stare at the sky, the collar of dress shirt open and moving slightly in the breeze that played through the untended grass here. Sam suddenly realized it was one of the most beautiful sights he had ever seen and those eyes fell back on him as that creature tilted his head back down.
With a bit of effort Sam managed to haul himself off the earth so that at least it didn't look like he had done some uncoordinated face plant in a haunted cemetery and looked around. As the shock of having a body, of breathing air, and feeling the sun slowly wore off a little his thoughts turned to Dean. If he was still alive.
"It's been about two years here," the angel told him gently, still looking a mixture caught between shock and joy. "The farther down in hell you go the faster time moves," came the answer to Sam's question that had gotten caught in his teeth, as he had been fairly certain they had a more than two years racked up.
"Is Dean alive?"
"I'm sorry, Sam, I am confined to this body and am," there was a small hand gesture there, a frustrated sound, "limited."
"You're still an angel right?"
Since for some reason Michael being forced to be something he wasn't terrified him in that moment.
"Archangel," came the correction with that underlying sense of pride and Sam smiled. "Yes, but I am sealed in this flesh and my abilities are few. I am sorry, but we will have to search for him with your methods not mine."
Nodding, Sam allowed himself to be helped up when he caught the sight of black lines like thin vines snaking up the back of Michael's hand. With something like dreading fascination, he saw his own hands had the same design. He brushed first his then the angel's with his finger tips, the second feeling like a hum.
"Our bond," Michael said beside him. "Something so sacred cannot be hidden."
"Does it go all the way up?" he asked, pulling at his shirt cuff trying to see the lines wrapping around his wrist on their way up his arm. "I mean, it's all over me?"
"To an extent," the angel replied seeming pleased with Sam's fascination before reaching out and carefully touching the lines on his hands. "I never intended for us to be this, Sam, I hope you understand. I didn't give you a choice and I apologize if it is something you resent me for."
"No, no it's okay just a bit," he swallowed and shook his head trying to wrap his brain around the fact they were out of hell at all let alone here together. "I just, I'm trying to process this."
"Come, I believe we should start walking before it is night."
Sam looked up at the deepening sky, the pinks trailing across the dark blue as the sun was slipping away for yet another day. He looked over at Michael who was patiently waiting for him and whispered "You can't fly anymore can you?"
"No," but the angel pressed on before he could utter the words, "don't be sorry. We are free Sam. We will find your brother."
Nodding again, since that's all he could muster right now in the face of all this, numb from being so overwhelmed, he let Michael gently lead him by the hand out through the rusting gate and towards people.