This is intended to cheer up those who were devastated by BOFA. Truly, no beloved character ever dies, and this story means to make that point. It's a parody that ties together three of my stories: Thorin Discovers the Truth, Tattoo Artists, and Thorin's Saving Grace. It will make the most sense to those who've read all three, but it can also stand alone. For those who want to get the most out of this story, I suggest that you read the first two quickly. They're also one-shots. Thorin's Saving Grace is a romance where Thorin pursues someone who doesn't even know what love is. That's the story referenced at the end.
"I think that went fairly well," Thorin said with a pleased smile as he and the company sat around the remains of dinner at Bilbo's table at Bag End, ending up where they began.
"I should say not!" the hobbit retorted angrily as he put his crutches to one side and plunked his bandaged ankle on the table. "First you nearly choked me to death. Then you died on me, Thorin, you died on me! Oh, and then I sprained my ankle walking home! Only to see Bag End being stripped bare!"
The dwarf king scowled at the hobbit's bandaged leg.
"I said I was sorry," he countered hotly and folded his arms over his broad chest.
"That he did, laddie," Balin interrupted, "and quite movingly too as you recall. Now don't dredge up what's done."
Conversation stopped while the dwarves remembered Thorin's last words that fell like gems from his lips. The dwarven king still managed to speed hearts while he lay on the pale blue ice. With his last few breaths, he smiled that lazy, lopsided smile that made women adore him and uttered his final words. His noble profile was pale and back-lit.
"If I recall, you did forgive me," he reminded the hobbit with an indulgent grin. "You cried over my dead body." The others mumbled in agreement.
Bilbo grudgingly agreed that he did, indeed.
"I was just so mad at you for dying," he said sorrowfully. "I don't know why it had to end up that way." He folded his arms across his chest and pursed his lips in a peevish gesture. "A lot of other things were changed, so why not that? It just wasn't fair. I hate goodbyes." He bumped Thorin's shoulder, and the dwarf king nudged him back.
"Friends?" Thorin asked with a soft smile on his face.
Bilbo shook his head and laughed. He never could stay mad at him for long.
"Friends—and only friends—despite what others seem to think."
"I don't see why you were upset, Bilbo," Kili said. "Uncle died wonderfully after a swoon-worthy apology. Thousands of women sobbed into their hankies, I'm sure, while you got a mithril shirt worth more than the Shire, a fabulous adventure, and another storyline to boot."
Thorin brightened at the support, but Fili scowled.
"Aye, he gets the big death scene," the heir said sourly. "I got dropped off a cliff without a chance to fight. Where's the fan base in that, I ask you?"
"Don't worry, lad," Dwalin said gruffly since he always said everything gruffly, "dying for a good cause always appeals to women. I'm sure you'll get new story lines."
"Aye," Bofur said, falling to the floor in imitation. "Your fall was dramatic and signaled the beginning of the end. Not bad considering."
Balin shook his head. To his mind, that filmmaker from New Zealand—and just where was that anyway?—had lost his artistic sense and succumbed to his own dragon sickness.
Kili grinned smugly, but Fili was unconvinced. How was he to increase his traffic stats with such a quick end? He didn't even get a chance to lift his sword. It just wasn't fair that his younger brother got both fight scenes and romance.
"My king, that scene between you and Azog on the ice was genius," Dori said admiringly. "Whose idea was that?"
Thorin puffed out his chest at his thrilling fight sequence.
"The writers felt they needed that scene to display my prowess as a warrior and strengthen the dramatic climax," he said with a proud tilt of his chin.
"Aye, but you had the chance to kill him when the eagles came, but you just stood there watching," Nori pointed out, "so where was the prowess in that?"
Thorin chose to ignore him and sopped the last of his bread in the stew instead, missing Fili's smirk.
"Hey, did anyone see Legolas hanging from one of those bat things?" Bombur asked. "What was he doing?"
"Scene-stealer," Kili groused. "Always showing off. And what about him running up those falling rocks? How could that even happen?"
Nori frowned, pulled out a book, and leafed through its pages.
"He's not even in here!" he said with disgust. "What's with that?"
"In where?" Ori asked.
"In the book, you know, the book."
"More like a pamphlet compared to the others," Balin muttered under his breath.
"Just where did you get that?" Gandalf demanded. He folded his arms, looking like a disapproving parent.
The sharp-nosed dwarf tried to look innocent.
"Oh, here and there."
The dwarves crowded around while Bombur and Thorin grabbed what they could from the leftovers. Thorin thought it the height of disrespect for them to eat all the food and leave him only a bowl of stew. Over and over again he went hungry, but not this time.
"So why did they want him anyway?" Dori asked. "Did you notice that he looked so much older?"
Balin shrugged.
"Well, they probably wanted a blond hero to balance us out."
Fili pounded on the table.
"I'm blond. I'm BLOND!"
Dwalin rolled his eyes.
"What are we doing here anyway?" Ori asked looking around. "Why are we at Bilbo's house again?"
The rest of the company groaned.
"Because, laddie," Balin replied patiently, "that's where most of the stories start."
They sat thoughtfully and stroked their beards, except for Bilbo who groused as he looked around at the mess.
They always leave a mess.
"But don't they usually start with Gandalf meeting Bilbo and wishing him a good morning or some such nonsense?" Kili asked.
The very same puffed a cloud of smoke toward him. "It's not nonsense! It's my big scene and introduces Bilbo as his younger self."
The others looked unconvinced. Clearly, he was not up-to-date on the more recent stories.
"Uh, Mr. Gandalf, I think newer stories mostly skip that part now," Dori supplied helpfully.
The wizard grumbled behind another cloud of smoke about authors being too impetuous these days and overlooking finer plot points.
"Did we miss the 'Blunt the Knives' song then?" Bofur asked. The others nodded, and Bombur bemoaned the lack of leftovers. He eyed Thorin's five plates greedily.
"That was a great scene!" Fili cried. "Kili and I really had something going there! How come all our scenes keep getting cut? These writers have no sense of humor."
He snorted and flipped up his hand angrily.
"And I must say I never dropped a plate," he added petulantly. "That has to count for something!"
Then Kili glanced up at Thorin and looked around confused. More than the plate scene was changed.
"What are you doing here, Uncle Thorin?" he asked. "Aren't you supposed to be late?"
Bifur made some unintelligible comment, and Bofur nodded.
"I know," he whispered. "He loses his way twice. Go figure."
The others nodded. They would have had a much easier time of it if Thorin had a better sense of direction.
"Uncle always was terrible at reading maps," Fili muttered a little too loudly.
Thorin turned and even in Bilbo's house, his epic hair wafted over his shoulder, and his noble profile stood outlined in the soft firelight for a few seconds longer than necessary.
He gets all the great poses, Fili grumped, while all I get are group shots.
"Is that why we had to go to Rivendell?" Ori asked innocently.
The others sniggered, and Kili couldn't resist a dig at Thorin, especially since he gave him what-for for falling in love with Tauriel anyway. He grinned at the memory of his red-haired beauty leaning over him in despair and tucking his rune stone into his hands. It really was a nice moment.
"Hey uncle," he called out with snicker, "how come you were supposed to lead us, but you got lost twice? The rest of us made it here without any trouble the first time."
Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose and refused to take the bait.
"My sense of direction is as keen as ever, nephew" he huffed, "but I needed to be introduced separately. I am, after all, the star of this story."
Bilbo scoffed and then grinned slyly.
"Oh? Then why is it called, 'The Hobbit'?"
Thorin pursed his lips regally while Oin angled his earpiece.
"Who wrote this again?" the old dwarf asked.
"Someone named Tolkien," Balin replied.
"Hmm, sounds dwarvish," Gloin muttered.
"Oi, Bilbo," Fili called out after deciding to be annoyed with everyone, "then why aren't Web sites devoted to romance stories about you?"
"What's a Web site?" Thorin asked looking around. Then he shuddered. "Enough! I never want to hear about those Mirkwood spiders again!"
At that, Bilbo threw up his hands and tucked into what little was left of his meal, refusing to talk anymore.
"No, uncle, that's not what he meant," Kili said with a trace of exasperation, and he explained.
"Just how does everyone seem to know more about these new-fangled notions than me?" Thorin asked with a frown. "When did you ever have time to learn about them?"
The others looked around uncomfortably.
"Well," Nori said finally, "we needed something to do while on watch all those nights."
Thorin's eyes opened wide, and he spluttered in disbelief.
"You mean to tell me that you all ignored your duties during the quest to indulge in these fantasies?" he roared in outrage. "Did none of you realize the risk you took?"
"Aye, well, that does explain getting caught by the spiders," Bofur grumbled. "Who was on watch that time?"
Nori ducked his head, and Gandalf waved the argument away. Dori coughed at the fog of smoke hanging in Bilbo's kitchen.
"He has a real habit, you know," Oin whispered into his brother's ear. "Someone should tell him. Maybe he needs an intervention."
Then Gandalf stood and addressed the dwarves. He decided not to do his Tower of Power voice for the sake of time.
"Let's leave that in the past. Now we have important decisions to make," he said seriously.
Thorin nodded majestically, but the others dithered and looked sideways at each other.
"Aye, but it's overwhelming to choose among so many," Kili said. "Which story do we pick to live in now that all's said and done? There's so many good ones and more keep coming."
Balin nodded, "Yes, but I think it's allowed to move between stories or to leave stories if we find them not to our liking."
"Thank Durin," Thorin replied. "There are too many stories of me being in the all-together with females of every variety. It's dishonorable not to mention exhausting. Whatever happened to restraint?"
"Well," Gandalf said mildly, "they say times change, you know."
Thorin shot him a hard look. "Let them change for someone else! I'll not stand for the continual shedding of my garments, wizard, and I resent the deliberate efforts of some to strip me of my honor along with my clothes. I am king, not some randy stable boy!"
Balin nodded in approval. "Aye, a disgrace it is for the king to be in such, um, positions of indignity with women not his wife."
Thorin nodded at Balin in approval and then took a deep breath. "After we honored our obligations in this latest moving picture venture, I've had the, erm, opportunity to see some stories myself, and I must say that quite a number are most impressive and depict me as befitting my station."
Nori snorted.
"That just means he comes off as some kind of tragic hero when both the book and moving pictures show him to be an arrogant git with mood swings who loses his mind at the end," he whispered to Dori.
Thorin turned and, with an arched eyebrow, pointedly stared at the handful of Bilbo's silver forks sticking out of Nori's coat pocket.
"But now we have a chance to live how we want to," Fili said firmly, "and no more second-fiddle death scenes!"
"Do I get to be with Tauriel again then?" Kili asked. Thorin flicked his eyes up to the ceiling but decided to hold his tongue.
The others started calling out which stories they liked best when he jumped to his feet.
"Shazara!" he thundered.
"Didn't he already do that?" Ori asked. The others nodded.
"Many times," Bilbo mumbled while buttering a roll he had pulled from his pocket.
"But it still works," Thorin said with a grim smile. "Now, Gandalf, explain the details, and we'll discuss this calmly."
"Well," the wizard replied, "it's quite simple actually. Each of you can live in whichever story you want, and the other characters will relate to you according to the writer's wishes. Therefore, each of you must pick the writer who suits you best."
They all nodded solemnly at that.
"Can we switch stories, if things don't go the way we want?" Kili asked hesitantly.
Gandalf stroked his gray beard and frowned as he thought hard. "Yes," he said, "but it's difficult and may leave the storyteller with a disease called writer's block, so you must take that into consideration."
Thorin sat back with a soft gleam in his eye and small smile on his face.
"Ah," Balin said with a wink, "I know where our king is going, lads."
Sitting forward, Thorin leaned forward on the table and clasped his hands.
"Wouldn't you if you were me, my old friend?" he said in his rich voice, his eyes lighting eagerly. "Within the first few chapters, I could see why I lost my heart to her. The fairest woman I ever saw was who is just as lovely within. Mahal! It took all my concentration to get through that last moving picture show, but now all I want is to get back to her."
Gandalf chuckled.
"But you well know that some readers took issue with you falling for her so fast," he said. "That's probably why it's not one of the more popular stories. They want tension, not all-out pursuit, although I must say that her ignorance as to what you were about was most amusing."
The king shook his black and silver locks, and they fell around his strong face in long waves.
Bofur looked up and around for the breeze and, sure enough, another indoor wind ruffled a few strands around Thorin's face.
"Is that in his contract?" he whispered to his brothers.
"I care not," Thorin replied with determination, a wide smile gracing his ruggedly handsome features, "I want her."
Gandalf's eyebrows rose with amusement.
"There's another story that has you at Ered Luin with a lovely adventurer, Thorin," he said with a smirk, "what about that one? It has a much larger readership. Or how about the mysterious shield maiden who joins you on your quest?"
The king shook his head.
"Those versions of me are quite content where they are," he said firmly, "but I want the woman to whom I pledge my heart and hand forever."
"Aye," Balin nodded, "the most precious jewel there ever was and, if I recall, all of us did well in that one. But do you really want to go through all those trials again to win her?"
Thorin's brow creased, and he turned to Gandalf.
"Do I have to start over then?" he asked.
The wizard frowned and rubbed his mouth.
"Yes, my friend," he said, "but if she's worth it …"
"She is," Thorin replied emphatically. "I'll have none but her. Besides, now I know not to repeat my mistakes."
Then he glanced at Balin with a question on his face.
"Aye, my king," his old friend said with a smile, "I'm going with you. I had too much fun the first time around to miss another chance."
Gandalf shook his head.
"But you're needed for the next story line, Balin," he said. "You're Lord of Moria, and we find your tomb there."
Balin hooked his thumbs in his belt and sat back contentedly.
"But you didn't open the tomb, did ya?" he asked with a wink and a grin. "Who's to say then that I'm in there? I do feel sorry for Gimli though. Poor lad, he was so upset. I'll make it up to him."
Thorin glanced next at Dwalin, but the warrior shook his head.
"I'll go with you for a time," he said, "but I have a little hobbit lass I need to meet and make my wife, so when you're settled at the end, I'll say my farewells."
Fili and Kili put their heads together.
"We're always together," Kili said. "How can you want to go on without me?"
"Because I have a hobbit lass of my own that I fall in love with and she with me," he whispered. "I even have my own picture in the summary! How can I pass that up, brother?"
Kili frowned.
"But you were such a support when I fell in love and lost my memory, and when I fell in love and my One was injured, and when I fell in love and …"
Fili cut him off.
"But that's just it," he whispered fiercely, "I'm always supporting you, and I want my own life now. I love you, brother, but I want to be the main character for once."
Kili nodded sadly and then smiled.
"I know, how about we story-jump for a while?" he asked excitedly. "I'll help you, then you help me, and then we end up with uncle. The writers will recover. The story's a bit sappy, but we go to the Undying Lands in that one. Come on, what do you say? We're kings there! Kings, Fee!"
The definitely blond prince tugged on his braided mustache.
"Tempting," he said thinking hard. Then he snickered. "Agreed, but only if we make a side-trip to the one where we …," and he whispered into his brother's ear. Kili roared with laughter, and Fili joined him.
"He doesn't know about that one, does he?" Kili asked when he could talk. "What an utter fool he was preening in his mirrors and fluffing his hair! I swear I could hardly keep a straight face."
"By Durin!" Fili cried with tears running down his face, not noticing that the others had stopped talking and were paying close attention. "Uncle and Dwalin never did figure out that we tattooed their backs the night they passed out after their 'intense political discussion,' did they? We had fun for months over that one!"
They looked up to find all staring at them and swallowed hard. Both Thorin and Dwalin looked ready to spit fire. Dwalin had suspected for some time, but Thorin knew nothing about the story until Thranduil saw fit to share it with him over a pint after the opening weekend of BOFA. Thorin glared at his nephews, wondering now if this wasn't Thranduil's parting shot. And just when he thought their relationship was making progress.
"You rascals!" Dwalin shouted. "My back smarted for weeks!" and he got up and chased them around the table, upending Bilbo's precious West Farthing china that smashed on the floor.
"Hey!" Bilbo cried. "That's not supposed to happen!"
Gandalf threw a curious look to Thorin who eyed his nephews with a growing smirk on his face.
"Wizard," he asked calmly, "there's no reason why I can't write my own story, is there?"
Gandalf shook his head and chuckled under his breath at Dwalin swinging his ax at the young princes while Bilbo crutched after them shouting about them ruining his house.
"Perhaps it would be better to inspire others to write one," he replied, heading off a long-winded ode to despair and follicular glory at the pass.
"Very well," the smouldering king of Erebor said with a satisfied grin, "because I think it's time to play a prank of my own, and I know an author more than willing to oblige."
At sunset, Gandalf gathered them all for a last round of "Misty Mountains Cold." Then they raised their tankards of ale, and Thorin gave a toast.
"It's been my honor to serve with you," he rumbled, "and I'm grateful that you all stuck with me through my more difficult moments."
"What moments weren't difficult?" Nori whispered, but Dori elbowed him in the ribs, and a few spoons clattered to the floor.
"Now we live at no one's whims," he continued, his deep voice resonating in his chest. "May Mahal smile upon you and grant you peace and happiness."
They cheered, took their places, and faded one by one into the stories they had chosen.
"We'll see you soon, uncle!" Kili said, and he and Fili hugged him hard. His heir smiled at last, eager to be the romantic hero for once.
"I'll hold you both to that," Thorin replied while tousling their heads.
At last, only Gandalf, Dwalin, Balin, and Thorin were left.
"Are you ready, my friends?" Thorin asked. His brothers-in-arms nodded. Then he stepped forward and thanked Gandalf for his help.
"Now we live on our own terms," he said with a joyful light in his eyes. "My beloved awaits!"
"I'm coming, my heart," he said softly as he faded away with his friends by his side, "wait for me!"
I hope this story puts to rest the idea that Thorin, Fili, and Kili really died. After all, who said that Tolkien had the last word? Rather, it seems that we do! If you laughed or felt better, review and let me know!