AT FIRST. LET'S HAVE A SHOUTOUT TO "INSANE GUY OF DOOM." MY BURIAL AT SEA REVIEW IS IN WORKS. BUT FIRST. I WOULD LIKE TO DISSECT THIS MOVIE. THAT WAS DELIBERATELY MADE FOR A HOLIDAY KNOWN AS "HUMAN CHRISTMAS." WHICH ALSO LIKES TO GO BY OTHER NAMES? LIKE "HANUKKAH." I DON'T GET IT.
CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.
HOMOLONER.
IT ONLY MAKES SENSE. BECAUSE I ALREADY RENAMED THE WEBCOMIC THAT I WAS STRANDED IN. TO BE "HOMOSUCK." THAT THIS GETS A THEMATICALLY SIMILAR NAME.
AT FIRST. LET'S ESTABLISH SOME CHARACTER ARCS. THERE'S OUR KID. FROM A FAMILY THAT IS WAY TOO BIG FOR ITS OWN GOOD. AND IF THAT SHITFEST WASN'T ENOUGH. HIS FAMILY INVITES *MORE* PEOPLE OVER. AND EVERYTHING BECOMES SO BEFUZZLED. I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER SUMMARIZING IT. EXCEPT FOR TWO EVENTS. ONE WHERE OUR KID RUINS EVERYTHING. AND ANOTHER WHERE THEY ALL GO TO THE HUMAN COUNTRY OF FRANCE. THUS LEAVING THE KID. TO BE A COMPLETE LONER. HENCE THE NAME. A HOMO SAPIEN THAT IS A LONER. HOMOLONER.
THEN. THERE'S CREEPY MAN. WHO SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE. ESPECIALLY OUR LONER. EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
THEN. THERE'S TWO BURGLARS. WHO LIKE TO PLUNDER HUMAN HOUSES. LIKE REAL TREASURE HUNTERS. LET'S ADMIRE THIS COMMEMORATION OF HUMAN HISTORY. AND MOVE ON.
AS I SAID. THE FAMILY DOUBLE REACHAROUND ENDS UP IN PARIS. BUT DUE TO AN ACCIDENT WITH HUMAN ELECTRICITY. THEY LEAVE OUR LONER BEHIND. (TRULY A DREAM COME TRUE.) AND THEREFORE. WHEN HE FIGURES THAT PART OUT. HE GOES APESHIT BANANAS. IMMEDIATELY MAKING A COMPLETE MESS OUT OF HIS HOUSE. SO, TRULY, MUCH LIKE HOMOSUCK. EXCEPT WITH ONE HOUSE INSTEAD OF MANY.
THOUGH. SHENANIGANS DO NOT LAST FOREVER. SEEING AS OUR LONER KEEPS SEEING CREEPY MAN. AND BEING SCARED AWAY BY HIM. HE ALSO SEES THE TWO BURGLARS. AND LIKE THE ONLY SENSIBLE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE. BEGINS DEVELOPING A BATTLE PLAN. TO GET THE TWO BURGLARS IN AS MANY RIDICULOUS TRAPS AS POSSIBLE.
BUT BEFORE THAT. CREEPY MAN REVEALS HIMSELF TO NOT REALLY BE CREEPY AT ALL. INSTEAD. HE IS A JERK WITH A HEART OF A "HUMAN BEING." (COME ON. GOLD DOESN'T HAVE HEARTS.) WHO HAS A SON. WHO ABANDONED HIM. AND OUR LONER HAS TO HELP THEM REUNITE.
ANYWAY. SO THE TWO BURGLARS END UP BEING LAUGHED AT FOR EVERYTHING. SLIPPING ON ICE. LOSING THEIR SHOES. DRESSING UP LIKE CHICKEN. STEPPING ON LEGOS. STEPPING ON TOY CARS. STEPPING ON BROKEN CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. THERE ARE TOO MANY SHENANIGANS FOR AN ORDINARY PERSON TO COMPREHEND. MUCH LIKE HOMOSUCK'S EARLY STAGES. BUT THEN. THE TWO BURGLARS FINALLY GET TO OUR LONER. ONLY FOR HIM TO BE HELPED BY CREEPY MAN. AND EVERYTHING TURNS OUT JUST FINE.
ANYWAY. THE "HUMAN CHRISTMAS" COMES. AND THE BEST PRESENT THAT OUR LONER RECEIVES. IS HIS FAMILY COMING BACK. WELP. THE DREAM WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED. AND THE LAST FEW SCENES. ARE PRETTY MUCH ALMOST ENTIRELY FAMILY REUNIONS. I DON'T EVEN.
OH. AND THE LONER HAS MESSED UP THE ROOM OF ONE OF HIS SIBLINGS. AND IS GOING TO RECEIVE TORTURE FOR THAT. PRESUMABLY THE SIBLING WILL KILL HIM. AS I KILLED MINE. NEVER FORGET.
THE END.
"LEAVE ME SUGGESTIONS. ON WAIT A MINUTE. I THOUGHT I PROMISED I'D DO THE BURYING AT SEA THING. THAT MEANS NO SUGGESTIONS UNTIL IT'S DONE. UNDERSTOOD? UNDERSTOOD.
FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.
tumut"