Thank you to charahkids for reading through this junk and cleaning it. Tis a one shot.
The stress of his situation was just becoming too much for Chuck. He didn't know how much longer he'd be able to hold on to his sanity at the rate he was going. It seemed as if everything in the world that could go wrong does go wrong and in the most spectacular way ever. Life has always been that way for Chuck. He didn't just get a B on a test in school, he either passed it with the top score in the class or he failed it miserably. Growing up as a nerd in southern California he didn't just get his ass kicked, he got the beat down of his life resulting in a hospital stay with two broken ribs and a broken wrist. One parent didn't just up and leave without any warning; both did, leaving him in the care of his eldest sister. And he didn't ever get suspended from school or ever get a detention in his life, however one fateful day six years previous, he was expelled and sent home on the train within 24 hours.
It always seemed to be like that for him, and he didn't know what he did to Karma in his life to piss her off so badly for things to keep happening to him, but he tried not to let it get to him. No matter what life threw at him Chuck always tried to look at the good side, to find the positive and keep going. The joke is to keep on smiling to stop the tears, but for Chuck a lot of the time it was the truth, and wasn't funny. He hated his life and he wasn't really happy, hadn't been for a very long time. The last time he remembered being truly happy was in college, with Bryce and with Jill. But even though he was despondent he at least thought the worst was over.
He thought the worst that would ever happened to him had already happened five years ago when he was so close to graduating college and his life was beginning. He was excited for it to start, having so much he wanted to do and achieve in his life. He knew he had the skills, he knew he had the will power. He was scared to death sure, it was brand new to him and life had been so cruel but he had confidence that everything would work out because he wanted it so badly and was willing to work hard for it.
Then it happened. He got pulled into his professor's office and kicked out of school. It shocked him but what stopped him in his chair as he listened to his professor inform him of the situation was the fact that his own roommate, his own best friend had been the one to turn him in. To engineer this horrible joke, for at the time that was all he could tell himself. That somehow Bryce had convinced a professor to go in on this cruel prank on him. Cold dread had covered his entire body at hearing it and everything after that for a long time hadn't passed by him in anything but a haze as his heart, body and mind were numbed by the betrayal. A betrayal that was only cemented a few weeks later after discovering that Bryce had slept with his girlfriend, Jill Roberts, the woman he was planning on asking to marry once they graduated.
Since that time he did very little with his life, spending the first few years in what his friend called a 'funk' but what his sister, a medical resident at a nearby hospital called clinical depression. He didn't argue with her on her diagnosis, knowing she was right but he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it, didn't want to either.
It was easier to just live his life in the haze. Mechanically doing a job he was over qualified for every day. Hanging out with Morgan letting the little bearded man go on and on about this and that. He would go out with his co-workers, participate in their paintball contests or whatever else the geeks and nerds at the Buy More got into. He didn't feel any of it. Didn't feel the joy of winning or the excitement of comic con. To everyone around him but Morgan and Ellie he was normal if not a little aloof at times. Friendly but frequently lost in his own mind if left alone too long. That was fine by him.
He had been afraid of what he would feel once the numbness went away and so he let himself stay in that state for as long as possible. But like all things, especially when it came to Ellie Bartowski he finally relented and gave in to her desperate plea for him to seek help, and thus he entered therapy.
It had been hard at first, seeing a therapist. They had wanted to put him on medication right away, get his emotions and hormones all balanced out but he refused. He was already numb to the world; he didn't want it to be medically induced. He fought tooth and nail against the doctor in his own passive aggressive way, never coming right out and saying anything but just giving enough that they thought he was making progress.
It didn't last long though, just a little over a year before he gave up on it completely. He didn't want to constantly relive the misfortunes in his life that caused him pain. Not wanting to figure out where to really assign blame for them, knowing that no matter how much people told him it wasn't his fault, that there was nothing he could have done to change the outcomes, he didn't believe them. Didn't want to believe them because he knew in his heart that it was him. Always him. There was something wrong, something bad inside of him that people eventually figured out and then bad things happened or people leave. Everyone that is except Ellie and Morgan.
But now, Chuck would do anything to go back to that blissful numbness that he had during those five years after Stanford. Now his life was even more in chaos and out of control. With yet another betrayal from Bryce Larkin, Chuck had been saddled with the Intersect, a computer that housed all the government secrets that was downloaded into his brain and his life has been nothing but a constant state of fear and anxiety.
If he had no control over the events in his life before than he didn't even know how to explain what was happening now. Everywhere he went he was followed by one of his handlers. His watch that was given to him had a GPS locator chip. His phones and computers were bugged, as were every room in his house and any car he got into. He was always watched, always scrutinized. Privacy was a luxury that he was now denied and he felt constant guilt as in encroached on Ellies life as well. He was only thankful that she wasn't aware of the intrusion, and afraid of what the consequences would be if she did find out.
He was forced constantly into dangerous situations now against his will. At the governments whim they disturb and uproot whatever he had going on and demand his immediate attention and obedience. He found it hard to follow their orders a lot of the time, not understanding why something was needed or not agreeing with their plans of action. It was a constant battle of wills that he frequently if not always lost, fighting only made the inevitable surrender that much painful, but he was afraid of what would happen if he just acquiesces.
Chuck didn't think he would ever get used to going on missions, no matter how many he goes on. There had been times where his heart would pound so hard inside of his chest that he swore it would explode or in the least just stop mid beat. The blood in his veins had stopped pumping and became ice in fear so often now he sometimes wondered if he would bleed if he cut himself. He'd been shot at, tossed around, tied up and almost tortured so many times he knew that it was all building up and taking his toll. He could feel his mind begin to snap and loose itself. Random thoughts and images would pop into his mind at random, so quickly that he would barely notice them if not for the pain that was left behind and the sense of vertigo.
He barely slept anymore. Once enjoying almost constant sleep as his numb body and mind ignored the passing world in his depression, now his mind would race and dream of horrible things. The most horrible of images would stay in his mind's eye the longest, videos and images of people being murdered, blood everywhere, shot, stabbed, thrown off a building. He sometimes found himself curled up at the top of his bed with his fingers curled in his tresses trying to squeeze the images out.
What he didn't know was if it was from his situation, all the violence and fear and visions or if it was the Intersect damaging his mind. It was an unknown piece of science and though the whole project is classified they hadn't redacted it from the Intersect itself. He had seen the tests and their subject in regards to having a human intersect and it scared him. So many people had died or gone crazy over this thing that was in his head and nobody knew exactly what to do to get it out, or how it worked. For all he knew each flash took a part of him away, slowly killing him each time as he gathered the information required of him by those who feel it's their right to. Those who take away his human rights and elements using him only as a machine, a piece of property.
Either way he didn't want to really know, and he didn't mention it to anyone, afraid of what the consequences would be.
He had been well aware of what could happen to him if the CIA decided he was too much of a threat or danger to himself or the country. He knew from the beginning that being taken to an underground bunker for the rest of his life, however long that would be was an option that the General was very fond of and had tried on a couple of occasions to execute. He knew the second he heard that option, that first night when Casey had tried to take him for the NSA.
That night on the beach, watching the sun rise and the waves lap at the sand he tried to picture what it would be like, locked in a bunker. He imagined it would be underground, concrete. Would probably looks like a jail cell at least he almost hoped it would. It would be less difficult and less cruel for them to make it look exactly like what it was, a prison to hold him. He probably wouldn't see the sun ever again, feel it on his skin and smell the fresh air of the ocean, one of the few things that he lived for in life anymore.
Chuck knew he couldn't do. Five minutes into imagining his cell he knew right away that he would never be able to live in solitary for the rest of his life. The monotony and solitude would drive him literally crazy and he knew he wouldn't be able to live like that. And he wouldn't. It wasn't exactly a hard thing to think of, killing himself. He'd thought about it before many times but had never really acted on it. Ellie would be hurt, and Morgan would be lost. He had these two people who loved him and care for him, understanding his pain and pushing him to be better while supporting him. He'd never be able to do it unless forced to.
Another option, and one that scared the crap out of him, yet he actually preferred if he thought about it, was the termination order route. He had known that Casey had gotten it earlier in the year when the new Intersect had come online. He had felt that same cold numbness take over as the information crawled in his mind during the last update courtesy of Bryce Larkin once again. It had hurt to discover it though he knew it was always a possibility. To find out that someone who he had begun to think of as a friend as well as a co-worker could so easily follow an order to kill him hurt Chuck more than he ever thought it would.
He tried to avoid Casey now. Afraid that any minute he could do the deed, not knowing when or if the order would come.
He tried to avoid Sarah too, especially after the Jill debacle. He didn't even know what to say or think about that. He felt stupid, because he was stupid. At least in that situation. If he was honest with himself he knew it was a bad idea, and after they had parted ways at the convention even though he flashed on her boss he had hoped it would be the end of that and he could continue on with his disenchanted life. But as always the government had stuck its nose in his business and forced him into contact with her, and it had brought up a whole bunch of feelings he didn't want to feel.
He knew it was a bad idea, and if he was honest with himself he really didn't want it. Really didn't want to be with her. Didn't want to see her, talk to her, nothing to do with her. She had broken his heart in the worst way possible, shattering it into a million pieces that he was even now still trying to collect and put back together. Even after she claimed during the polygraph that she hadn't slept with Bryce, he didn't believe himself when he asked her if they could start over. There was no going back. He didn't believe her and she was a Fulcrum Agent. A part of the reason he was stuck in his current situation.
In reality it was just so nice to have someone know, someone to talk to though she didn't know the particulars. Someone who understood him, Chuck, and saw him more than just a computer or tool to be used at the whim of the government. Even as he held her close and made love to her several times before finally flashing on her being a Fulcrum agent it was all physical. He knew before then and confirmed during that he had no feelings for her. He felt nothing but disgust and loathing, especially at himself as he continued, not stopping when his mind had screamed at him to do so.
But he was so desperate for human touch, human understanding that he ignored everything inside of himself that told him to stop, to push her away and just kept on with it. Kept on with her up till the end until she tried to kill Sarah. His blood had turned into that frozen river in his body again when he saw Jill's gun pointed at Sarah's retreating form. Chuck was just thankful that while his heart stopped his mind kept going and he was able to stop her in time. It had felt great to break up with her then, to tell her so. Finally ending whatever feelings had been left over from their Stanford days. But it just brought back the lonely empty void that he had been feeling before. Bringing him back to being alone in a crazy situation that he could see no real way out of.
Chuck wish he could have someone to talk to about everything. Even though Sarah said he could always come to her he knew it wasn't true. She wouldn't understand as much as she tried and as much as he wished she could. She was an extraordinary girl from an extraordinary world. And he was just plain Chuck stuck in a situation way over his head.
Ellie was the person he wanted to speak to the most. She was always calm and rational, understanding of just about any situation. Chuck had spent his life listening and following her wisdom but he couldn't talk to her. He had been stuck lying to his sister, his one true confidant who he would tell everything and anything about for the past year and half as well to his best friend whom he knew from second grade. The man who had been with him through every road bump in his life had no clue about his life now. All the bearded man saw was Chuck had a beautiful girlfriend who he was apparently in love with.
This wasn't a complete lie. He did love Sarah, more than he would even dare to admit to himself considering their situation. She had almost literally been like an angel sent to him from above as she entered the Buy More that first day asking to fix her phone, and then the next day when she asked him out. For the first time in a long while he let himself have hope, to feel something again only to have it ripped out from under him once again in a spectacular way. He didn't know how she felt about him and it hurt him so much and so often as they carried on with their cover lives. Ellie loved her and thought she was the one for him, and at times Chuck agreed but mostly, he was well aware that it was just a dream that would never come true. Sarah could be kind, caring and loving one moment, openly sharing herself with him and giving him a glimpse of her true self and then the next second be cold and hard, pushing him away again reminding them of their status.
The constant push and pull, hot and cold of her emotions or lack thereof hurt him more than he would like to admit causing his heart to ache constantly. More than he would ever admit to her. And yet again the reminder of it reminds him again that he has no one to talk to. No one to help short his feelings out, something that always helped him in the past even as he didn't want to burden anyone with his troubles. Chuck had nobody to help him.
But Chuck Bartowski has always been verbose, always had to talk through everything. It's how he grew up. It was something that Ellie had drilled into him long ago, long before their mother even left them that he had to be open and talk to her. To not hide things from her and let things fester until they were out of control. She had been so lost and confused as well, being only a child like him, but somehow she had known that she would have to take responsibility for Chuck and had begged him to always just come talk to her if he had a problem, to not keep it secret. They had always somehow known that it was going to be just them.
He had followed her plea and it had left their lives a little less stressful. He was always there for Ellie when she needed a good vent, or to help her figure out things when she began feeling overwhelmed. Chuck always made sure to behave, do his homework, keep the house clean, and kick Morgan out at a reasonable hour. Anything to help his sister. Even getting a part time job fixing computer at age 14. Chuck remembered her expression as he handed her over the cash from his first paycheck and the tears that were in her eyes. They were ok financially, if not a little strained. Their father had left them something to pay for the bills but anything extra was always a strain. Ellie hadn't felt right about taking his money, wanting to provide for both of them so Chuck had put it away and they ended up using his savings for fun things that they wouldn't have otherwise. And he was glad that even if it was something as simple as taking Ellie out to dinner that it would bring a smile to her face and allow her to relax for a bit. And she was always there for him, regardless of the situation.
But now all he did was lie to her. Tell her half-truths. And he hated himself for it. Each lie out of his mouth left a huge empty hole in his gut and an ache in his heart that grew exponentially each time he had to do it. The lies, the betrayal were so intertwined now at this point that he didn't even know where one began and where it ended if it ever did.
What's worse is he could see that she knew he was lying. The hurt that displayed across her features, the disappointment as each lie came pouring from his lips punctured and stabbed him each time he was forced to do it. But he didn't have a choice. The government made that very clear. For their safety they were to know nothing. But if he were honest with himself, he would give just about anything to at least let Ellie know, even if she didn't know the particulars, just so he could feel sometimes that someone was on his side. That someone was there for him just for him and not some alternative motive like the Intersect. However like everything else in his life, as it always has been, it was a losing battle.
And thus his mind was in constant turmoil, his body felt revolting and exhausted, ready to break apart at the seams. Sometimes when he looked in the mirror in the morning, he couldn't recognize the man he saw looking back at him. His features looked the same, the eyes, the nose, his lips and chin. But his skin seemed paler, and he saw more lines. He looked more haggard and the bags under his eyes looked practically black. He looked as bad as he felt most times.
And he felt exhausted.
And it wasn't just an 'I'm tired' type, where he stayed up too late gaming with Morgan then had to work the next day. It wasn't even the exhaustion he felt in college, and he was very exhausted then. Between the studying, the helping others study, his several jobs he had taken on to help support himself and the activities that every frat boy had to participate in, he was left run ragged until he could barely function as a human being on most days.
However none of that compared to how he felt now all the time and he didn't think it had to do with him being six years older. He still worked at the Buy More as the supervisor of the Nerd Herd garnishing him the coveted full time position (without benefits) and with that he had to put in his required 40 hours a week at the job while caring for his underlings. On most days the job itself was tedious and tasking in having to navigate the assignments, schedules, Jeff and Lester. He was barely there during working hours claiming installs and as such had to make up the time somehow for the maintenance portion of his job. Those were usually done at night when he should be sleeping or relaxing when he doesn't have a mission. More often than not his spy life took over the small amount of free time he has and he would spend any time he can playing catch up and more often than not of late failing.
On top of his full time job at the Buy More he also had the job as the most important government asset in the country. He was at the beck and call of the short little general who was stationed in DC and paraded around doing whatever she wanted whenever she called. Whether it was a flash or a mission it didn't matter.
And for free as well. The job put him in constant danger and on several times he had worried that one day he wouldn't come out of it so unscathed. He had frequent bumps and bruises; even a broken hand once and he couldn't tell anyone what had happened. Another thing to lie to Ellie about. And he knew one day his luck would run out and he'll end up seriously injured or worst dead and he constantly fretted about how that would hurt Ellie. Would the government even tell him he was dead if it happened or would they just have her think he left her like his parents did.
He hoped she would see through that.
He would never leave his sister, never. Not without some kind of word and he hoped in his heart that she knew that, and knew if he ever disappeared it was because he didn't have a choice. That it was against his will and wishes beyond his control. It was another thing that weighed heavily on his mind.
"Hey man." Morgan came up behind him causing Chuck to jump out of his seat behind the Nerd Herd desk. He turned around and tried to glare at Morgan but he didn't have the heart. Morgan stood behind him holding a plate with a chocolate cupcake with bright pink frosting and little chocolate sprinkles on top. He eyed it hungrily, his stomach growling reminding him that once again he had skipped both breakfast and lunch in order to do some dailies for the General and get the schedules for the following week.
"Hey, Buddy, what's this?" he asked, lowering his hand from his chest despite the fact his heart was still beating erratically. Morgan shrugged and held out the plate to him. Chuck eyed it warily for a moment, always airing on the side of caution when accepting free food from the Buy More. But this was his best friend, and he had faith that his friend would not pull some kind of prank on him.
"Nothing just thought you could use something sweet. You've been down lately." Morgan commented.
Chuck reached out, taking the plate tentatively and slowly set it down on the counter eying Morgan carefully, wondering what else he might have noticed. Everyone was well aware that when it came to Chuck Morgan was the expert and noticed everything about him. It even creeped Chuck out at times but his honor at having such a loyal friend usually outweighed the creepy feelings. They stood in that staring contest for several moments before Morgan finally blinked, giving up as he usually did, conceding to Chuck and hopped on the counter next to the plate relaxed.
"Look, man, I don't know what's wrong. And I know you won't tell me."
"Morgan I- "
"Its ok man I get it. Somethings going on and you're keeping it from me." Morgan stated honestly. "Does it suck? Yeah, I can't lie there Chuck. "Chuck hunched his shoulders and sat heavily back on the chair. He didn't want to hear this right now, not in the frame of mind he currently was in.
"Morgan." He said simply, words lost on him. Morgan just slid the plate closer to his friend and Chuck looked up at his friend, relaxing slightly at his friends smile.
"But whatever is going on, just remember, you always have me. And when you're ready or it becomes too much, I'll be here to listen and help you sort it out." He said jumping down from the counter and patting his friend on the shoulder. "We've invested too much time in our friendship. I'm not giving you up without a fight." And with that he walked away as quickly as he appeared.
Chuck watched him until he entered the back room, continuing to stare at the door for a few minutes. He hated himself that he couldn't come right out and tell Morgan what was wrong, even if it was just admitting how tired he was and how much he just wanted to sleep for days on end. But he did feel a twinge of hope in his heart at his friend's gesture, his peace offering.
Chuck turned back around and stared at the cupcake. The frosting was buttercream and the cake part looked so soft and moist. He had no doubt it was made by Ellie and he wondered idly if this was a joint effort by his best friend and his sister to tell him that they were there for him when he was ready. It would be just like them to give a gesture like that.
Casey walked up to the Nerd Herd desk and grunted, looking down at the offensive pink frosted item in front of him as if it were a bioweapon and Chuck couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face at Casey's reaction. Just about anything non-violent that disgusts or offends Casey is good in his book, or at least slightly entertaining.
"What in the world is this?" Casey grunted out at it. Chuck shrugged.
"A hug and a kiss from people who love me." He stated plainly picking it up off the plate and beginning to remove the paper cup. Casey appeared to shudder as he watched Chuck begin to consume the offending item. He closed his eyes as the flavor filled his mouth making it water more. It was delicious, confirming Ellies involvement.
"Whatever Bartowski. When you're finished stuffing your face with empty calories we have a mission. Get to Castle." And with that he turned around and began exiting the store without a second glance.
Chuck took his time, sitting back in his chair and enjoying every morsel of his treat. Every bite he took he felt warmer and more relaxed, less stressed about his world and suddenly had energy. As he took the last bite and stood up to leave the Buy More to go to Castle, licking his fingers of any remnants, he wondered what was in the cupcake to make him feel that way, but then passing by the DVDs and seeing Morgan laughing at some crazy thing Lester said he decided he didn't care. It wasn't lethal and deadly.
It was just made with love and given in friendship.
A/N: so, i know i should work on the next chapter of Distance. I have it written i just have to you know...go through it. Anyways, Got 11 hours left of my shift and i'm bitchin on twitter about it haha. PEACE OUT!