Author's Notes: So this time for my third oneshot, I thought It would be interesting to do a ship of Deadpool and Harley. (Yay! The Jokers out of the picture!) I mean they both are insane, but in a different kind of way hahaha.
Art by m7781 of Deviantart
Also Just wanna say, I tried my best to keep them all in character. Let me know what you guy's think. Should I just leave it as is or should I continue it as a series?
The way I imagined Deadpool's and Harley's first encounter would go down, is that Deadpool would annoy Harley to no end, and Harley would be so pissed and fed up with it, she'd beat him psychotically.
Warning: There are so much random stuff going on in the story. It was so much fun to write. :) I guess I should say, some parts may have been rushed. Sorry. :(
After this, you will have a choice to make. Are you Team Joker or Team Deadpool? Personally, I'm team Deadpool all the way!
Thanks for viewing my piece, and I hope that you enjoy it! ;)
Harley was having a very awful day.
As she hopelessly and gloomily walked down the streets of Gotham, she couldn't stop reminiscing of what had happened between her and the joker a week ago.
He was so angry with her. Though she could always handle his obsessive abuse, like punching and kicking her, or even when he would sometimes electrocute her, but it was the way he looked at her that really got her depressed. The way he spoke to her. This time she had finally done it, She had finally made him go over the edge. After her crime against him, he immediately kicked her out of his house, or warehouse or whatever. Her crime that was so daunting, so inexcusable, so disgusting was... Capturing the Batman and almost unmasking him.
She couldn't believe it when the joker was angry with her.
"What the clown have you done Harley?! Untie batman right this instance!" He had commanded her.
After the joker apologized to the Batman, he also asked him to leave so that he could speak to Harley, privately. Strangely, batman did leave, honoring his request. After Batman had left that night, the joker lit a fuse... Figuratively. He was quite shocked at Harley's successful attempt of capturing the bat. He was so disappointed in her. He was beyond angry with her. How dare she capture batman! She never once asked permission to do so. This was his moment. His destiny. And to make matters worst, she almost removed his mask, revealing his true identity. The joker had been waiting for the right moment to do that himself. It was something especially special to him. The thought of Harley robbing him of that was horrifying to him. The fact that she did all of this behind his back, made him intensely more angry with her.
After he had beaten her up pretty good, He looked at her in disgust and disappointment.
"But puddin, I did it all for you! Why don't you love me anymore?!"
"I want you out!" He yelled. "Get out of my house right now! How dare you try to steal batsy from me! Get out! Get out! Get out, now!"
Harley quickly rushed out of the room and exited the house, I mean warehouse or whatever It's called. The joker didn't stop yelling til she was gone. And ever since then, she had been walking the streets of Gotham, Sad. She still couldn't understand why her mister J wouldn't love her (even more than he possibly already did) for capturing the legendary bat. She thought that she had done a good thing for him. In fact it was more of a gift for the joker, but he was only fueled with anger and hate. Why was he acting like she had stolen something precious from him?
"I'm so sorry mister J!" Harley cried out. "Oh what do I do!?"
Harley felt so lost without her puddin. Without him, where would she go? She was hopelessly and completely lost. Harley leaned her back against a building window.
"Oh what do I do?!" She asked out loud, hoping someone or something would give her an answer.
Suddenly out of random, a strange voice answered her back. "Go back home!" The voice sounded as if it had came from her head. It surely was a voice she never heard before. It didn't sound like all the others.
"Home? What home? Mister J hates me now. He kicked me to the curb!"
"Yes, that may be true, but then again people do some pretty stupid things when they're angry," the strange voice replied.
"Not my mister J. Not my puddin. He's not stupid!"
"Listen, just go home!"
"Why do you want me to go home so badly?"
The strange voice started to stutter a little bit. "Uh- Um- You see- Uh- Umm... Because it's your home?"
Harley paused for a moment. "I guess that's true. It is my home! And if puddin thinks that he can just kick me out so easily, then he has another thing coming to him!"
"Wow, I can't believe that actually worked- I- uh- mean, now go home!"
Harley began to run down the streets, back to her home. All this time she had been feeling sorry for herself. She thought that she was in the wrong. For what? Capturing the batman? Almost unmasking him? She had accomplished something the joker could never. And yet he was mad at her and scolded her for a job well done? No more. She was gonna have a couple angry words with him.
A couple minutes had gone by and Harley made it to the house or rather the warehouse.
As she barged into the place, she shouted "I'm home!"
She looked around the dark room and saw lot's of the joker's henchmen unconscious onto the floor.
Could the batman have possibly return and had done this?
She wished that she had her big mallet on her, but remembered that she left it back in her bedroom. She was weaponless actually. She wished that she had her usual outfit on, which was her iconic harlequin outfit. She felt naked without it. Ever since she had left, she dressed normally so that way she wouldn't attract to much attention in the city.
She was wearing a white T-Shirt, a pair of small denim shorts, and high heels. Her makeup was a mess as usual. Her blonde hair was put up in pigtails.
"I know you're in here!" She yelled. "Whoever you are, you're messing with the wrong people! Stop hiding and come out right now!"
"But I'm not hiding!"
Harley jumped a little as she finally heard a response back.
As she came closer to the center of the room, she saw a strange person sitting on a throne like chair. She couldn't quite make out the person due to the darkness in the room.
"Who are you?" Harley asked.
"If I talk like this, will it ring a bell?" He asked in a dark, deep, and mysterious voice.
"No," Harley said, not amused.
"Really? I thought I sounded like the batman," he said, disappointed that Harley couldn't tell what impression he was doing.
"Really? I thought you sounded like you had throat cancer," she said in an irritated tone. "Well ya just turn on the lights in here already?!"
"Oh you mean these lights?" The strange person pushed a button off a remote and suddenly a disco ball from the ceiling lit up.
It wasn't quite enough to light up the entire room. Harley still couldn't tell who it was sitting down on the chair. Though she could tell that it was an annoying man.
"No, I didn't mean those lights, and also when did we get a disco ball in here?"
"I installed it while you were away." His voice started to sound familiar. It was slightly husky and gravelly. His voice sounded very comedic as well. She could of sworn she heard it somewhere before.
"Okay what is going on here? Who are you and what are you doing here?" Harley asked.
"Maybe I'm your fairy godmother," He joked.
Harley grimaced. "Turn the lights on right now!"
"Make me!" He jokingly commanded in a strange high pitch voice.
Harley growled, then walked up to a wall and flipped a switch.
"Aw my eyes!" the man screamed in horror.
Harley quickly rushed over to him, and saw a strange dude wearing a red and black tactical suit. The suit was clearly designed to hold many weapons. There were two holsters on his back, which housed his two katana swords. The suit had multiple number of pockets, containing multiple types of guns, grenades, sai, and knives. Harley looked at his face, which was completely covered with a red mask that had dark spots around the eyes.
The man was leaning into the chair, pretending to have died from the lights being switched on. She could hear some gargling noise coming from his mouth. She then leaned in closer to him.
"Boo!" He shouted out.
Harley quickly jumped backwards, in utter shock. She then slapped him.
"Ow what was that for?" He asked as he rubbed his cheek. That was the hardest slap I've ever received in my entire life. He thought.
"Who are you and how did you get passed the booby traps!?" She asked, demanding that he tell her.
He was giggling. "You said traps!" He snickered.
"You better tell me who you are!"
"Relax, the name's Deadpool," he finally answered her. "The merc with a mouth!"
"Deadpool? Never heard of you."
"Aw, that just hurts my little deapool heart," he said, pretending to cry.
"What are you even doing here in my puddin's house?"
"Oh there's pudding in this house? I want vanilla!"
"No, not pudding... Puddin!"
"Okay fine, can I please have some vanilla 'puddin'?"
Harley was getting irritated by his idiotic confusion. "We have no pudding! I was talking about my hubby!" Harley yelled out so loud, it almost popped Deadpool's ear drums.
"Ouch," he said, while massaging his earlobes. "You're talking about that clown guy right?" He asked.
"Yes!" Harley was relieved that this idiot finally understood what she was talking about.
"Never heard of him."
And just like that, Harley was enraged again. She was getting quite irritated by this fool. She growled and grabbed his fabric by the neck and was shaking him. "Tell me where my puddin is!" She demanded.
"You said that you were out of pudding!" He shouted as he was being shook, vigorously.
Harley being filled with too much irritation and anger, threw him off of the chair, and he fell onto the ground.
He quickly repositioned himself. He laid on his side, and had his arm at a 360 degree angle. His hand was supporting his head. He tried looking sexy.
"I love the way you get hostile with me," he said, trying to sound so sexy and seductive.
Harley couldn't believe this guy. Why was he even here? What motive did he have? Did he do something to her mister J?
"Hey Harley, why don't you come and snuggle with daddy."
"How do you even know my name?" She asked, quite concerned. Not once during the duration that he was here, had she gave out that information. Have I met this idiot before? She wondered.
"Oh that's easy," He said. "I've been watching you for a very long time- Well mostly from afar so that way you wouldn't notice me. I just gotta say that I think you are the hottest, well after Bea Arthur. After a week of following you everywhere, I hopelessly fell in love with your mad brain. Hahahaha! The voices inside your head always cracks me up! Mmmm... love the new look, though I prefer the harlequin outfit better."
Harley found it strange that she had a stalker. It felt weird having her first stalker. That was insane. A psychopath having a stalker was quite unheard of. This guy is absolutely insane. She thought.
Suddenly Harley recognized his voice. Strangely he was one of the voices in her head. The one who told her to go back home.
"Wait a minute. You're one of the voices that told me to go home."
"Guilty as charge," he admitted in a playful high pitch voice.
"How can you be right here when you were in my head?"
"Maybe we're connected," he joked.
"You better tell me or I'll slit your throat!" Harley commanded.
"Oh I love it when you talk dirty! Okay I'll tell ya. I was never in your head in the first place, though I could of been if I wanted to."
Harley looked perplexed. "But I heard you in my head."
"I was actually behind ya the entire time. I just whispered in your ear so that way you would think I was one of the voices in your head. Can't believe you fell for it. Hahaha! Spiderman never does."
Harley pulled out a hand gun, cocked it, and aimed it at Deadpool.
"You have 5 seconds to tell me who exactly you are, what you're doing here, and what you've done to my mister J!" She yelled angrily
Deadpool immediately jumped to his feet, and raised both of his hands in the air. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Whoa! Is that my gun? How did you take it from me?"
"1," Harley said, beginning to count.
"I love that crazy look in your eyes."
"2."
"I think it makes you look so manly, and sexy!"
"3."
Deadpool yawned. "Counting makes me sleepy."
"4."
"Can you put my gun down? You'll scare the kids."
"5."
"Kiss my-"
Before he could finish that sentence, Harley shot him in the skull. The bullet entered and exited perfectly. Deadpool quickly fell to the ground. He appeared to be dead.
After a couple of seconds, Harley sighed deeply. "And I thought that I was the crazy one," she said to herself.
"Oh but you are," Deadpool said, as he miraculously rose to his feet.
Harley slightly flinched, and looked quite shocked. How isn't he dead? She wondered. I shot him in the brains! The bullet wound... It's healed. How?
"You almost have the same amount of voices in your head as me," he said.
What was with this guy? He was insane. Completely mad.
Harley was indeed crazy all thanks to the joker. She had done some crazy stuff, but this guy, could it be possible that he was even more crazy? Harley shrugged at the thought.
"Now, that wasn't nice Harley," he said, rubbing his forehead. "You could of killed me!"
I wish I did. Harley thought.
"Hey I heard that!" Deadpool shouted.
Harley gave a confused look to him. How did he know what I was thinking? She wondered. "How are you still alive?"
"You can thank my precious healing factor for that one, bub."
"Okay I had enough of this!" She yelled. "I demand that you tell me what is going on here! Where's the joker?! Where's my puddin?!"
"Well if you must know. He's- uh- uh- umm... Actually I don't know."
Annoyed to no end, Harley shot Deadpool's body multiple times til the gun was empty. Deadpool stumbled backwards a little, due to the force of the bullets.
The bullets quickly bounced right out of his flesh, and his wounds healed.
"That tickled," he giggled. "Felt like tiny little unicorns charging right at me!"
Harley sighed deeply. This guy was absolutely random and annoying.
"Aw whats wrong sad little girl?" Deadpool asked, pretending to be concerned.
He quickly rushed up to her, grabbed something from behind him, and gave Harley a chimichanga.
"What is this?" She asked.
"It's a chimichanga," he answered.
"I know that, but what is it doing in my hand?"
"Eat it, It'll make you feel better."
"Wait, why is it so warm?"
"Oh, I was cooking it between my butt crack!"
"What the..."
Harley was grossed out and threw the chimichanga at Deadpool's face. Deadpool grabbed the entire thing, lifted his mask slightly above his mouth and ate the chimichanga.
"Mmmm... Yum... You sure are missing out. Mmmm... My butt cheeks warmed it up quite nicely. Can't get this type of heat out of the microwave or an oven."
"What is wrong with you?!" Harley felt nothing but disgust for this guy. All these years, Harley truly thought she was the insane one, but this guy was really something else.
"Okay I'm only gonna ask you this one more time. Where is my puddin? And if you make some stupid comment of vanilla pudding again, I'll smack ya silly!"
Deadpool was stroking his chin, as if he was deep in thought. "What do you think happened to your 'puddin'?" He asked her, using air quotation gestures when he said puddin.
"I don't know, that's why I asked you!"
"And how did you felt when you lost your 'puddin'?"
"I don't know, sad and alone."
"Ah, so when you ran out of 'puddin' you fell into a great depression?"
Harley finally realized that he was acting like he was some sort of psychiatrist and was talking to her like she was some sort of drug addict patient. I mean she used to be a psychiatrist herself. It almost felt like he was mocking her. She especially didn't appreciate his air quotation gestures when he said 'puddin'.
"Okay that's it!" Harley grabbed a spray can, containing joker's famous laughing gas. She then quickly sprayed it at Deadpool's face. He just remained still and silent for a moment. It was almost as if the gas had no effect on him.
Suddenly Deadpool bursted out in hysterical laughter. "Hahahahahaha! That is so funny! Because you sprayed me with laughing gas and now I can't stop laughing! Hahahahahahaha!"
Harley had a smug look on her face. Should have just answered my question, idiot. She thought.
Deadpool fell to the ground, on his back. He was tossing his arms and legs in the air as he continued to laugh hysterically.
"Hahahahahaha! Those clouds looks like a mooby!"
Harley looked up and saw nothing but the cemented ceiling.
Was he hallucinating?
"Hahahaha! Now there's two moobies! I bet they're in love! Hahahahaha!"
Deadpool kept on laughing for half an hour and made more comments about the moobies, and how they were very lesbianish. Once his laughter died down, his arms and legs fell back to the ground. No sound was coming out of his mouth anymore. Harley wondered if he was perhaps dead. If so, she would love it.
She walked up closer to him. She crouched near his head. She tried removing his mask from his face to be sure that he was dead. As she moved the masked off of his mouth, she noticed his mouth was in a strange position. It was mimicking a duck face. You know the ones that kids post selfies on the internet all the time.
"What...?"
Suddenly Deadpool came to life again. He quickly pulled her head closer to his, and once her lips was close enough, he smooched her.
"Aw gross!" She quickly slapped him, and got up from the ground.
"Ouch, there goes my other cheek," he said as he rubbed his cheek. "And also, Whats with that 'ew' expression? You know you loved it! The breath of flavored butt cheek chimichangas will get any girl's heart going!"
"What is wrong with you!?"
Harley never thought that she would ever use those five words in her life. Lot's of people normally asked those five words when they met Harley, it was kind of strange having it the other way around.
Deadpool stood up from the ground, turned his back to Harley, and looked as if he was speaking to someone. There was no one in front of him though.
"Listen, writer! Ash N Bones...? Yikes, the name kind of makes me wonder what kind of life choices you made. Anyways, you better write a very hot and passionate love scene between me and Harley!"
"Who are you speaking to?!" Harley was kind of confused of what was going on. Did he just say writer? She wondered. Does he think he's just some character in a story? And also, Does he actually think that I would ever be romantically involve with him? Now that certainly is crazy. I only have eyes for one man only, and that's mister J.
Wait, you know who I am? Are you actually breaking the fourth wall, Deadpool?
"No I'm just speaking to the air like a loom," deadpool said sarcastically. "Of course I'm breaking the fourth wall you imbecile! Don't you read my comics? That's kind of my thing! Now anyways, about the love scene...?"
Okay no, no. I'm not righting a love scene, especially so soon in the story.
"Why not?"
Well for starters, you've been leaving an awful impression on Harley.
"That's because you wrote some weird crap about me putting chimichanagas up my a**... Did you just censored me? I just said a**"
Okay first of all, you actually do keep your chimichanags up there between your butt cheeks. Second, yeah I did censor you. I never know what may come out of your mouth.
" *$##$ %$# !$#%& #$%$# $ Okay why did you censor me again? I didn't even cuss!"
I know. I'm just having fun with ya! Hahahaha! Power!
"Ash N Bones! Hahaha! The name kind of cracks me up."
Why? What's wrong with my name? I think it's cool.
"Cool? You think it sounds cool? Oh look guys, it's me! Ash N Bones the great and powerful edgelord! Hahaha! Ooo, I have a dark and brooding name. Blah! blah! blah!"
Deadpool bursted out laughing.
Harley who remained behind him, stood still in utter confusion. She had no idea that the writer (me) and Deadpool were having a conversation.
Okay seriously Deadpool, stop laughing. The names not too bad! Respect me!
"Oh hey look, that guy's name is randy. That guy's name is Jackson. His name is lucy, and hey look, your name is Ash N Bones! Hahahahaha!"
Deadpool continually laughed at my name. He was acting as if It was the funniest thing he had heard in his entire life.
"What's up with that name? Hahahahaha!"
Seriously stop laughing at it. The name is actually a title for one of my original stories I planned to post. Ash N Bones are the names of two fictional characters. I thought It would be unique to have that as an author's name and at the very same time have a story based off of that. The name Itself sounds so dark, menacing, and mysterious. See, Ash N Bones is a very cool name!
"Wow... I didn't know," Deadpool said calmly, having stopped laughing. "Though, I feel sorry for them! Their writer gave them a messed up name!"
Deadpool broke out in hysterical laughter once again. "Hahahahahahahaha!"
You're worst than the joker.
Readers I do apologize for Deadpools inexcusable behaviour. To be honest, when I was writing this oneshot, I didn't expect for him to break the fourth wall, let alone make fun of my name, repeatedly. I'll try to fix this!
Deadpool stop laughing otherwise I'm gonna write something awful into the story.
"Oh what's that? Are you gonna change my name to Ash N Bones?! Hahahahaha!"
That's it, you forced my hand!
Suddenly Deadpool's belly began to grow quite large. He was unsure of what was happening.
"What the $#!% is going on here!?"
Suddenly he could feel something heavy inside his belly. He even felt something kick inside. It was at this moment when Deadpool had realized that he was pregnant with a child.
"What the $#!%"
Deadpool lost his balance, and fell to the ground, on his back, due to the increase of weight.
"What the $#!% did you do to me?!" Deadpool yelled out in anger.
Harley stood surprised. Seeing a man getting pregnant within seconds must have been a sight to see.
She even wondered who it was, that Deadpool was talking to. Is there someone else in this room, other than me and him?
Deadpool was intensely angry with me. Mostly because he knew if he gave birth to the child, it would hurt incredibly bad. I mean, how is a man suppose to give birth to a baby? I feel like it would tear apart his vital parts or something.
"Get this thing out of me, right now!"
At this moment, Deadpool was feeling the labor pains that women experiences. Any moment now and he would be giving birth to that reptile inside of him.
"You put a tyrannosaurus rex inside of me!?"
I'm kind of surprised you knew what species I putted inside you, haha!
"Get this thing out of me!"
Say you're sorry first.
"What...?"
You hurted my feelings when you were making fun of my name.
"Get this piece of sh** out of me or I'll start telling the readers your dark secrets!"
Pfff... Please, you have nothing on me.
"Then how come I know you have 'My Little Pony' underwear!"
Wait what? That is not true! Readers I assure you that I don't have any 'My Little Pony' underwear. He's lying! I am not a brony!
"Also how come I know you sleep with an anime girl body-pillow!? Hmmm... Or should I say... Levi Ackerman body-pillow!"
Wait what? Levi isn't even a girl! I have none of the things that you had just stated! None of this is true!
"And how do I know you moved to another country, after finding out unexpected news from your ex-girlfriend!"
Okay whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it right there! I am not one of those irresponsible kids who just does stuff like that! Seriously Deadpool, none of this is true! Stop It!
"Okay fine. This secret is true and dark, though. You don't want anyone to know you're a Kpop fanboy!"
Okay, I guess I will admit that I am a fan of Kpop- I mean it's not really a dark secret of mine- And that's basically the only true thing you've said about me!
"Not the only true thing. Perhaps the readers would like to know where you live!
Ha, as if you know where I live.
"Everyone, Ash N Bones lives exactly at Mi-" Before Deadpool could finish that sentence, an anvil fell on top of his face.
Sadly It didn't knock him out, so he felt every bit of the pain.
Being intensely weak, he slowly removed the anvil from his face.
At this moment, Deadpool felt the tyrannosaurus rex kicked inside his tummy again.
He screeched a little. "Ouch! I felt It's sharp reptiled nails! Get this thing out of me now!"
I'll make this simple for you Deadpool. You can either apologize for making fun of my awesome name, or you can give birth to a tyrannosaurus rex! Your choice.
Deadpool wasn't too fond of the idea of giving birth to a tyrannosaurus rex. Though he did have a healing factor, he still didn't want to go through that pain. If giving birth was one of the most painful things in the world, he surely didn't want to know what it would be like birthing a tyrannosaurus rex.
"Okay, I'm sorry I made fun of your name! You actually have a cool name! I wanna fall in love with it and have babies with it! There I said it! Now take this devil out of me!"
Ah feels good having power like this.
Suddenly Deadpool's belly shrunk and had returned to it's normal size. The reptile that had resided inside, no longer existed.
Deadpool was gasping for air. It was exhausting carrying something like that inside. He slowly stood up and looked back at the air as if he could see someone.
"When this is all over, I am so coming after you. We'll see if you can still smile with these katanas against your tiny little throat!"
Well you stop talking to me and get back to the story! Everything was going quite smoothly until you had to demand me do things for you.
"I want my love scene now!"
You'll get a love scene when I want you to have a love scene! Now get back into the story script!
Deadpool was quite irritated with me. He especially didn't think that a writer such as I would ever put something so random (like a man being pregnant with a tyrannosaurus rex) into a story. He just tried ignoring it and walked back to Harley like nothing had happened.
"What just happened!?" Harley was trying to make sense of what had just happened.
"Let's just try to forget that disturbing event," Deadpool said. "Let's focus on us!" He pushed his body against Harley's.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. Come closer doll, and hop aboard the Deadpool express train!"
Harley was drawing her head closer to Deadpools. For a moment, it looked like they were about to share a very passionate kiss, but suddenly Harley slapped her hand on top of Deadpool's shoulder and he was being electrocuted.
"Ahhhhhh!" He screamed in a high pitch voice.
Harley then kicked him in the gut, and he fell to the ground, onto his back.
Harley removed a unique buzzer ring from her finger. It was the joker's iconic shocker ring. It literally shocked you up with volts of electricity.
"Now, you better tell me where the joker is!" She yelled.
"Or what? What will you do to me?" Deadpool held a finger to his lips, trying to look seductive.
"Or I'll have to smash your head like a pancake!" Suddenly from behind her, Harley grabbed her jumbo-sized mallet.
"Whoa watch it! You could castrate a guy's balls with that thing!" Deadpool was covering his private area.
"I know, but it shouldn't be a problem to you, since they'll just grow back!" Harley had such an evil smile on her face. "Now you either answer my question, or something's gonna get smashed! Your choice!"
"I love it when you get hostile with me," he said, snickering.
"Wrong answer," Harley said, smiling.
She suddenly swung the large mallet in the air and forced it downwards, it then smashed against Deadpool's junk. They both heard a crackling sound.
"Oh that's an interesting feeling," he squeaked. "Hahahahaha! I'm laughing because the pain is so much worse than giving birth to a tyrannosaurus rex! Hahahahahaha!"
Harley began to repeatedly smash the hammer against Deadpool's junk. She was quite surprised that he wasn't screaming or crying in pain. He just kept on laughing hysterically.
"Ah hahahahah! This is so much worst than giving birth! Hahahahahaha!"
After awhile, Harley had stopped smashing Deadpool's junk. She lifted the hammer and saw that his crotch was very bloody. They both suddenly heard popping noises, which could have only meant that he was regenerating down there.
"Now, unless you want to be chopped liver, I suggest that you tell me where my puddin is!"
Deadpool slowly stood up to his feet.
Do you really wanna know?" He asked.
"Yes."
"Do you really, really wanna know?"
"Yeah I really, really wanna know."
"Do you really, really, really wanna know?"
Harley slapped him harder on the cheek this time. "Just spit it out moron!"
"I don't think you can handle the craziness that I'm about to tell ya," he said, while rubbing his cheek.
"I am crazier than you can ever imagine. So just tell me!"
"Oh yeah? Well, I'm so crazy that I never wash my hands after a massive wiping."
"Pfff, that's nothing. I'm so crazy that I once decapitated my own grandmother with a chainsaw!"
Haha! Yeah? Well I'm so crazy that I once fed my teammate my flesh!"
Harley scoffed. "So..? I'm so crazy that I blew up kids who bought video games from me!"
"Yeah, well I'm so crazy that I once went into my comic-book writer's world and killed him!"
Harley didn't know what to think about that one. He actually thinks that he's a comic book character? Does he honestly believe that he was created by a writer...? Well, I guess that is crazy.
"Well, I'm so crazy that I got kicked out of hell!" Harley yelled, proudly.
"Ah, that is pretty crazy... Well, I'm so crazy that I once got kicked out of heaven!"
"Well, I'm so crazy that I-"
"Oh no wait, I got it!" Deadpool interrupted her. "I'm so crazy that I once defeated the incredible hulk!"
Harley grimaced. "Oh yeah, well I'm so crazy that in fact, I once defeated superman!" Harley had a big ole smug look on her face. She smiled widely, like her feat was crazier than Deadpool's.
Deadpool frowned. He paused a moment to think of something to top that. "Ha! Got it! well I'm so crazy that I once defeated every single superhero and supervillain in existence!"
Harley gasped. There's no way that could of been true. Could it? He looked and sounded quite serious as if It was no big deal. Harley remained silent for a moment. She tried thinking deeply about something that could top Deadpool's killing spree of superheroes and supervillains, but what could possibly be more crazy than that? Suddenly It hit Her. She had a big ole smile on her face. She knew what was crazier than Deadpool.
"That is nothing compared to what I've done!" She shouted. "I'm so crazy that in fact, I once made the Batman... The Dark Knight himself... laugh!"
Deadpool gasped in utter shock. Is this true? Did Harley actually made the bats laugh before? Incredible!
Deadpool tried thinking of something crazier, but thought it was completely useless, when compared to having made the legendary Batman laugh. Now that was pretty crazy.
As Deadpool stood still in the silence, Harley was actually losing her patience and had no more time for games. She just wanted to know what happened to her puddin.
"Okay enough of this! You better tell me where my puddin is or I'll have to give ya scars!" She yelled angrily.
Deadpool laughed. "You mean these scars?" He removed his mask from his face.
Harley could now see a bald man, who was extremely scarred. His entire skin was pretty bang up. It was hard to look at.
Harley started snickering, then she began to laugh hysterically. "Hahahahahaha!"
"Whats so funny?" He asked, smiling.
"You look like an old wrinkled up potato! Hahahahahahahahahaha!"
Harley couldn't stop laughing. Deadpool's face was very hilarious to look at. This was the funniest thing she'd seen all day. "You look so ugly! Hahahahahahahaha!"
Deadpool frowned and putted the mask back onto his face.
After a few minutes, Harley's laughter died down.
"Ah that was funny. Now anyways, I believe you were telling me something."
"Was I? I don't recall."
"Listen you red fool! You better start giving me something!" Harley yelled, getting all fired up.
"You want something?" Deadpool asked, as he rushed behind Harley, massaging her shoulders. "Ah you seem tense, harl. Just let it all out. Let papa take care of ya."
"Ah that feels nice," Harley sighed.
She remained still for a moment, slowly slipping away into paradise, then suddenly she was forced back into reality. "Wait a minute! Get off of me!" She yelled, as she smacked him off of her.
"Abusive... I like it," Deadpool said in a creepy tone. "I think our relationship is progressing quite nicely."
"What relationship?"
Deadpool wrapped one arm around Harley and pulled her against his side. He then used the other hand to point up to the air, as if there was something being displayed there.
"Imagine this Harley. Me, you, and a house full of little Deapools and Harleys. We would have chimchangas every single day! Hahahahaha!"
"What..? Get off of me you freak!" Harley pushed Deadpool off of her. "I don't want you or your butt flavored chimichangas!"
Deadpool stumbled, lost his balance and fell onto the floor. His butt was pointed in the air.
Harley snickered a little.
While down on the floor, Deadpool farted. Though it was mostly muffled, somehow Harley heard it.
Crap, this chimichanga muffled up the sound," Deadpool complained, as he slowly stood up. "And It was gonna be a big one too!"
Harley Had a disgusted look on her face.
"Oops, I been a naughty boy. Are you gonna punish me now?" Deadpool pressed his finger against his lips, trying to look sexy and seductive again.
Harley rolled her eyes.
"Come here, doll!" He made a smooching sound, and began running toward Harley.
As he made his way to Harley, she slapped him on the cheek again.
"Ouch! Can you please stop slapping me!?"
Glad to. Once you start telling me what I want to know! Where is my puddin?!"
"Maybe he's not here... Maybe, just maybe, he's just somewhere else."
"What do you mean by that?"
Deadpool walked up to his throne-like chair and sat on It. "I kicked him out of here!" He shouted.
"What!?" Harley was getting all fired up, again.
"Yeah. a week ago, while I was jumping through the multiverse, I stumbled across this gloomy world. Didn't really care for this dark place, but that's when I saw you, Harley Quinn! You were an absolute goddess. You were absolutely crazy, kinda like me. I mean we both love talk to the voices inside your head. We both love annoying our enemies, before killing them. We both love Bea Arthur...-"
"Who's Bea Arthur?" She asked.
Deadpool's eyes widened in shock. The thought of someone not knowing who Bea Arthur was, was beyond wicked and cruel. "I'll let that one slide, just cause I find you attractive. Anyways, I decided that I would stay in this world for a while. After discovering the joker had kicked you out of this house- or warehouse- or whatever this place is, I was enraged! How dare he do that to you! I mean you captured the Batman!"
"3 times actually. Though he would never admit to the other two."
"3 times?! wow! Anyways, after you left, I decided that I would have a word or two with him! I told him off! Told him how angry I was how he treated you! He should have been giving you praise! So anyways we were fighting for a long while, and long story short, I threw monkey poo at him, which managed to knock him unconscious. I then tussled with his entire gang. Then I grabbed the joker, and putted him on a plane to china! We won't be hearing from him anytime soon. Hahahahaha!"
"I can't believe you did that to my puddin!"
"What was with his laugh though? It always sounded fake, almost as fake as rocket racoo-" Before he could finish his sentence, Harley grabbed him and threw him out of the chair. He fell onto the ground.
"Ouch my ankle!" He screamed. "I'm just kidding, I landed on my head, not my ankle, hahaha!"
"You are unbelievable! I can't believe you did this to my puddin!"
"Would you believe me if I said I did it all in the name of love?"
Harley started walking toward Deadpool.
"Uh- Um- Uh- Here, take this taco, it's no chimichanga, but it's just as good." Deadpool threw a taco right at Harley's face, which anger her even more.
She began to run now.
"Uh -Um - Uh- Here's a burrito. Careful, It's spicy!" He threw the burrito at her.
She growled.
As Harley neared Deadpool, she jumped on top of him and started beating him. At first he was screaming, but then he started laughing. "Now this is the kind of attention I wanted from you! Ah yeah scratch me some more Harley!"
Harley kept on beating him, but stopped when she realized that he was enjoying it.
"Hey Why did you stop!?" Deadpool complained.
Harley got up and started crying. "Oh mister J, I'm so sorry!" She cried out.
Deadpool slowly got up and walked up to her. He petted her shoulder.
"Don't touch me!" She shouted, as she shoved him backwards. "Why on earth would you do that to me!?"
"I'm sorry," Deadpool said, sounding sincere, for basically the first time in his life. "I thought I was doing you a good thing. He hated you. I mean he really despised you. Like, he was really disgusted by you. I mean it was really, really-"
"Okay get to the point!"
"He didn't love you Harley!"
"You're lying!"
"No, I'm not. I mean you said it yourself. He hated that you captured batman. He was scolding you for doing something he could never accomplished. Where was his love then?"
"He was just angry! He didn't know what he was sayin!"
"Did he? Cause I think we both remember that disgusted look on his face. The way he looked at you. It meant, he didn't love you anymore. It meant that he hated you."
Harley charged at Deadpool and was swinging her fists against his chest. "You're lying! Mister J loves me. He does, he would never leave me!"
"But except, he did just that. Remember? he kicked you out."
Tears was falling down Harley's eyes. She didn't want to believe this Deadpool idiot. What could he know anyway? He carried chimichangas between his butt cheeks, But she knew deep down inside, that he was right. The way the joker treated her all these years. Always abusing her and feeling nothing, but hatred toward her. It was possible that he didn't love her.
"Why? Why would you do this to me!?" Harley cried out.
Deadpool held his hand on Harley's chin. "Because you deserve better," he said. "Harley, you may not know me, but I know you, and I love you. I love everything about you. The way you walk and talk. The way you'll kill someone if you don't like them. The way you steal candy from a baby. Or even the way you make that cute anime girl expression when you're sleeping-"
"How do you know about that?"
"Doesn't matter, but what does matter is you. Harley I love you. I could of gone to any other crazy girl, and trust me, I been around a few, but I came to you. Now will you just please forget the joker?"
Harley didn't quite know what to say after Deadpool's speech. She didn't know that he could get so real and serious. She thought he was just some goofball. The fact that he was talking this long without doing some strange random antics, was quite impressive actually. Perhaps It could be just enough to persuade Her.
"Aw just give me your mouth already!" Deadpool lifted his mask up to his nose and kissed Harley.
Harley normally would of slapped Deadpool, but something in her changed. She was kissing Deadpool back. They kissed so ever passionately. Enjoying the way each other tasted.
As their lips parted, Harley said "I've been with the joker for so long, I don't know If I can change."
"Don't worry, It's okay. Just like the joker changed you, I can do the same to you. Get off of team Joker and get with team Deadpool!"
Deadpool pulled Harley closer and he kissed her like there was no tomorrow.
He couldn't believe it, did he just do the impossible? Did he managed to win the heart of the joker's old girl? Surely there would be new beginnings for the two. Perhaps they soon would build an empire of Deadpool and Harley lackeys, and do their best to conquer Gotham together- Or rather just create insane mayhem in the city. That is, if the Batman wasn't there to stop them.
End Credit Scene
The Joker was seated on a stool near a long rectangled table. He appeared to have been in some kind of strange bar.
In front of him was a plate full of raw sushi, rice, and a pair of chopsticks.
He tried working the chopsticks to grab his rice, but found it nearly impossible to do so.
"How do asians use these things!?" He complained.
Finally, out of frustration, he threw the chopsticks onto the floor and grabbed his food by hand. One of the employee of the bar, who stood in front of the Joker, looked at him like he was some kind of savage the way he was eating the food.
"What are you lookin at boy!? I like to see you try using those sticks!" The joker stuck his tongue out.
The employee grabbed a pair of chopsticks and grabbed a ball of rice, sushi, and launched it into his mouth.
The joker widened his eyes in disbelief. "Whatever, no one likes a showoff!" He growled.
"This came for you!" A man from behind the joker, gave him an envelope.
The Joker opened it and he grabbed a postcard inside.
What's this? He wondered.
There was a picture of Deadpool and Harley making out on his favorite couch. There was even words on the picture that said "from Gotham, with love."
"What is this!?" The joker yelled out in anger. He was furious. "Why did they send me this!?"
The Joker kept his eyes concentrated on Deadpool. His eyes burned with hatred toward him. He remembered that he was the guy who had thrwarted him and his men, then afterwards sent him on a plane headed straight to china.
He was furious. This postcard was only to mock, and taunt him. "Why, that little chimichanga eating dipstick!"
The Joker clutched his hand, and crinkled the paper up. He then threw It inside someone's cup on a table, nearby. "Hey!" They complained.
The Joker had been here at china for over a week. It was hard adjusting to the new culture, but he somehow made it worked. During the time he was here, he had taken over a secret society of Chinese men and women. The Triad. A special group that specialized in organized crime. The fact that Joker took control over this group, was quite scary.
The Joker looked all around the bar, and saw many Chinese men and women. They were all apart of the Triad.
"Pack your stuff, boys and girls!" He shouted. "We're going to Gotham!