How does one forget the first beginnings of love. So childlike and virgin it is: the running between the water and sand on the beach, the hiking of woods in avoidance of lessons. It is a simple love. Shown in, "I'll race you to the finish line" s and, "I'll be your best friend forever" s. It is a sort of love you seem to shed like a second skin, but have to have to build a stronger, tougher love. We had one of those loves I think. Though, if I had known that is what it was, I would have held every gaze just a little longer. Brushed my fingers against his in hopes he would just know without words.
It was slow I think. No urgency involved in the gradual speeding of my heart when he entered a room. The other boys talked of how an escalated heart rate went along with the pretty servant girls when they bent a little low to reveal plump flesh upon their chests. It was only when he smiled that my heart beat to that ecstatic rhythm. But that was something to be expected. For, he was my friend in the purest sense of the word. No secrets would be kept from him for he was the other half of me… even at such a young age I knew he would follow where I lead, anywhere it would seem. Yet, it was not the same dedication that the other foster boys showed me, for that was pure idolization. No, Patroclus' devotion was one of counseling and the belief that he could trust the decisions I make. Many thought he was one to follow me and obey my orders: quite the contrary, he questioned me at every corner, kept me on my toes. Made sure I remembered that I was not the only one affected. He was such a better person than I.
Today was the first day I told my mother of Patroclus. That I had decided to take him on as therapon. She was furious. She claimed there were plenty more boys who were more worthy of my attention. Of my trust. This was the first time I denied her advice. Such a strange feeling it is, to know that a parent is wrong in their views and you a child are wiser. It was that defiance that let me realise for the first time that I would never let anyone part me from him.
Feelings such as that as a boy were normal and to be expected, yet I have grown up almost to a man in Chiron's care and my feelings don't wane. It is a weird love at first. Realising your reality is shifted into something you didn't know it could be. The real question was if you would follow me into uncharted territory with the emotions between us. You say yes.
They find me. They find us. Shock rolls through my body as I realise the choice I am to make. What would you say? Should I sail to Troy with the knowledge of dying a young man there. Or should I waste away my life, in the comfort of your beautiful arms. You make the decision easier. Would you go with me? "Of course."
Maybe I am too quick to trust that men mean what they say, but isn't it much more honorable to fall to someone's trespasses against you than get twisted in their game of lies. You were the ideal that all men should reach for. Not full of thoughts of strength nor glory, but loyalty and plain words. I touched your collar bone as I had done time and time before. Every touch sent a shock through me every time.