in fact, i wish i never met him
in fact, i wish i never even let him
in my life
presently, he haunts me in my every single breath
like a vapor
of laughter, memories that cloud and fade, but grow stronger anyway
a vapor
that crawls with me in bed
and even when i am with him
i feel alone sometimes
not lonely, but alone
because when i think about my new, strange and wonderful relationship with the Warden,
i can't help but feel a twinge of Allie
in there
and because they both seemed so confused at first
and circumstances overlap and muddle and drain,
i can't help but see the
same old situation,
the same old shocking
strain
. . .
--
Why can't I just let myself be a little happy for once.
Things have been opened up, fresh and new, and we both see each other differently, I think. I do anyway. But before, I was muted, living life like a can opener that was stuck on a metal ridge, squeaking and going nowhere, but always having a place to go in the end. And because of one single relationship, I've remained in love so long, I almost have forgotten the pure joy it was to find a new one.
One.
That's it. Its him.
And here I am.
And I think its time for a change.
I think its time for Jared to be happy.
Here I am. Here I stand.
--
The Warden is smiling at me, and I'm smiling at him.
"Why are you smiling?" I say to him.
"Your smiling too," he replies wittily, rolling his sugar spoon in his hot mug of coffee.
Its like some cheesy romance song is playing.
So loudly, even the in mates can hear. They're staring.
He ignores it, happily oblivious, but I start to sweat.
Alice rolls her eyes, and hits the mallet against her palm threateningly. Everyone goes about their business promptly, and I sigh in relief, thanking Alice quietly in my head.
I sit down next to him, and catching me off guard, he touches my hand a little.
I jump a little in surprise, but intertwine our fingers loosely.
He leans a little closely to my ear and whispers like we are alone together: "The coffee is too hot." He draws out 'hot' like melting sugar on his lips.
"Cool it down for me." He says with a funny glint in his eye.
I blush.
He laughs.
"Do it yourself." I mutter.
He just keeps on laughing.
--
Oh, no, we haven't made love yet. Its way, way, way too early. And well, the thought sort of scares me... but...
We're just so happy and it doesn't matter.
I don't even know why, I mean the whole thing is just so bizarre, the way we ended up together. I read my other journal entries, and it sounds like, like, oh I don't know! Like I'm a maniac!. . . .
Why would the Twins do this, and why in such a horrible, demeaning way; all to bring us together?
I mean, its like we're drunk, we're so happy. I just hope its not empty, and it lasts. I hope we don't crash and burn. I hope we last.
But anyway, I found out he doesn't like to touch very often.
But then I wonder, is he a virgin?
No, not to women. I mean to guys.
I know he's had one or two affairs with women.
But even then, he said, he doesn't like touch that much, for too long.
That's when he told me he doesn't know what he's attracted to, generally, but when he's attracted to someone, he knows. It makes sense, but still--
I think: then why kiss me? Why touch me like that just days earlier? It was intoxicating. . .
Maybe that's a good reason to not touch.
Maybe it clouds our minds, and weakens our self control.
But I'm not clouded, and I am patient, and I know that this is more than a strange little fling.
I know.
--
We talk a lot now.
He tells me little things about his life.
Like how his father died when he was very young.
How he died was a little bizarre, and I could tell he was very upset about the whole thing.
Like he never got over the fact that his father's death gave him so much, and in fact, really so little.
And then he asks me about myself.
And I go quiet.
He wonders, I can tell, and for some reason, I like that I am a mystery, at least, for now.
We aren't very physical, but sometimes I like to kiss his cheek, just because I can. Its like a game.
He runs, I pounce.
Like a cat chasing a very delicious little mouse. (I'm NOT a pervert!!!!!!!!!!)
But its very innocent.
He's very innocent, and it surprises me how much I have learned about him in these past couple weeks.
--
Throughout our time together, we have grown almost suffocatingly close to each other. And what's more surprising, he asked me for a date, all shy-like and stuff, but when he showed me his bedroom, I was a little nonplussed. It was very innocent though. He wanted more of a private setting, really, and got out a bottle of white wine. I politely refused, and as soon as he asked why, he slapped his forehead, saying, "Duh, you're an alcoholic." And then he looked at me, a little embarrassed and said, "Sorry."
I told him he could drink if he wanted, and we just kept going back and forth and he really seemed to care about what I thought, until he relented and got a glass for himself.
I found out that night that he has a surprisingly ideal knowledge of wine, red or white, how its made, the process, the intricacies, and how age can make anything better. He's very, very---I don't know how to describe it. I just love listening to him, and I never feel nervous when we're alone---together, but sometimes I worry, but I worry anyway. I laugh out loud, and I smile as big as I can, and I don't sweat. Well, maybe a little, but that's okay. He doesn't complain.
He decided we should dance, and being that he was tipsy, it was very amusing---and very overwhelming, he touches a lot more when tipsy/drunk.
Anyway, he put on this saucy, slow song, a little fast towards the middle, and polka like in the end. I don't know who the artist was. But he's a very good dancer. I'm not, but he's so good, you don't need to know what your doing, he just shows you, and you follow.
Since our date, we've grown comfortable being together a lot more, even if we're not saying or doing anything, in his room, on his bed. That's where we go at the end of long days. Its a haven to me. He is a haven. Heaven.
--
We talked a little about Faryn.
He says he's tried to forgive, and now its time to forget.
I can't forget. I can't forgive.
It bothers me to no end how he can be so optimistic.
We haven't seen the Twins yet, and I am dreading it.
I don't know whether to hate them, or love them for what they did.
I want to think they had good intentions, because what came out of it was good.
But it bothers me.
It really, really does. And the fact that I can't pin point why,
Terrifies me,
For the Warden's sake, and for everything my life has become to this point.
--
"I want to know what your real name is!" I say, lying on my side, my eyes on his bright glasses.
"What do you mean?" He asks with a soft surprise. Obviously a subject he never thought about.
"I mean, you must've had a real name before you became the 'Warden' and everyone has one!" I say with determination, I mean, who wants to call their lover a name that entitles their career? I don't say that though. "Don't you remember what your father used to call you?" I practically blurt out, but its too late, he's already upset.
"What do you think Jared?" He hisses, the soft, nice mood of before tilted and bewildered, angry.
I suddenly feel like I should leave the room, and fast, but I stay.
"I-I don't think so--"
"Exactly! So why would you ask a question like that?"
"I'm sorry." I say softly.
He softens his anger to a mild flare. "Just watch what you say."
I don't look at him, and I'm sort of angry, him treating me like I'm a child. Things have been bothering me, and I've been meaning to discuss it with him. His name is a touchy subject, and I should have been a little more tactful, but still. Its not even about his name anyway.
"Its okay, Jared. I mean, I just don't remember much about my childhood." He said gently, touching my shoulder. I relax a little, but I still don't look at him.
He runs his fingers along my stomach, and sits his head on my thigh.
"You can give me a nickname if you like." He winks, and his gap shows a little in his smile. (ohhh I love that gap...)
"Like what, for when we're alone?"
"Duh!" He says, looking at me oddly, his sock covered feet swinging in the air, his stomach against the royal purple sheets.
A few moments of peace swirl within us, a comfortable silence. But I always have to show my worry. Sometimes I can't help it.
"How long do you think we'll last?" I ask.
He looks at me even more oddly. "Why think about it? Whatever happens will happen. Right now is all we got. Enjoy it." He gestures at me, his smile unfailing.
I smile at him, but then I furrow my brow. "What about Alice? What about the rule against dating co-workers?"
He laughs. I frown. "You worrywart! Stop raining on my parade! What's up with you? Why so blue?" He makes a pouty face at me, moving comically close to my face. I scoff lightly, and look away.
"Uh, I...don't know. I just think a lot."
"Like with my name, me, and the Twins, and me, and rules and rules and rules and me!" I smile wryly on how he repeated 'me' like three times. "And... Alice." He says Alice with a hint of sarcasm.
I just stay quiet. He rolls his eyes, then looks at me meaningfully.
"You think I'm going to run off with Alice?"
"I don't know. I just don't know why you'd want me. I mean, I'm not fishing for compliments or anything but--"
"You? You're interesting."
"Yeah. Sure." I roll my eyes.
"No, no, no. I see it. You have a, how do they say it, sort of air of mystery about you. And though you're so open, you still hide certain parts of yourself. I never realized how much I disregarded about you. I think I have just opened up, and now, I see you in a new light, in a lot of new ways..." He says lowly, and I can't help but wonder about his tone, its almost, seductive? He trails off, and then jumps up and sits back down in a bounce.
"I am truly, truly, very, very, very sorry about treating you so badly in the past!" He says in a sing song way, his rainbows fluttering above him, and I laugh and appreciate what he is trying to say, and then he is serious all of a sudden. "And Alice, well, I don't know. I don't know about her." He furrows his brow in thought. "I have you. I don't need anyone else right now." He says, and I suddenly am filled with adoration for him. I could just kiss him.(!)
"A--and," He says, "Me and you are going to change that policy. Tommorrow. Kay? I'm the Warden, and I--"
"About that---I think I have the perfect nickname for you."
"Oh?"
"Johnny." I say, and I think although its plain, it suits him, and I like it a lot.
"Okay. But its a little boring!" He teases. "Oh! I want to give you a bedroom name!"
I blush. "Bedroom name?"
"When we're in the bedroom?" He says bluntly, sarcastic, with an air of cockiness, and for some reason, it doesn't bother me. I love everything about him.
"Okay. I guess--"
"Neo!" He says, clasping his hands together.
"Neo?" And then I realize that's my nickname.
"I like it for you!"
"Its... kind of..." I start to say, but then his face gets all fluttery, and I can't say anything.
"I like it, it suits you..." He says with a rough whisper, and there's something in his eye, and its warm. . .
"Okay, Neo." And I have to admit, its odd, but its kind of cute. How does he come up with such colorful ideas?
"My Neo..." He drawls against my skin, getting closer and closer. My heart raises a few degrees, and its kind of, dare I say it, kinky, to have him call me this, like I'm a different person. Not Jared.
He hugs me, his face against my neck.
Hot lips touch cool skin---
I melt, and fall into his touch.
And I neither feel alone, or lonely.
Just---alone
together.
--