I sat on the railing of the bridge looking out over the river watching the sun rise, it was the first time I had been sober in best part of a week. Since I'd packed a bag and left Chester. I couldn't get a grip on my thoughts, everything was so fucked up.
My whole world had fallen apart in a matter of weeks, I'd gone form being Brendan Fucking Brady, man about town, the guy other men wanted to be, the guy girls wanted to be with, even wannabe glamour models wanted me. To having my life snatched away from me, Peter turning up causing trouble, that bitch Rae telling Foxy about me and St… about me and what I did, Danny's body resurfacing - I still cant believe I believed Foxy when he said it would be taken out to sea.
Maybe that would be best for me, for Cheryl, for St…for everyone. If I just disappeared, if I was just washed away to sea. I didn't deserve to live after everything I had done, the hurt and pain I had caused to those I loved. I couldn't bare to think of Cheryl's face, the disappointment in her eyes, knowing I had been lying to her for months, years even. Knowing that the man she believes is her big brother, who will love her and protect her from everything is nothing more than a fake.
And what about Stephen….. I felt my heart constrict in my chest at the thought of him, saying his name in my head for the first time since leaving. The last time I saw him broke my heart, the bit that wasn't dark and twisted and beyond repair that is.
I had come out of hospital, ironically it was him that put me there. I couldn't bring myself to be angry or to blame him, I just kept thinking of everything I had put him through, how I had messed with his head, making him want me then telling him how he disgusted me, hitting him, cracking his ribs, splitting his lip, covering his beautiful body in bruises. Then taking him to highs he had never experienced before, me neither come to that.
He had loved me, I was sure of that now but at the time I hadn't wanted to deal with it. I couldn't cope with it, but he had loved me and I had left him feeling like there was no option but to try and get me out of his life for good. When he came to the hospital and told me what he had done and that I deserved it, I couldn't argue with him. He was right. He put his hand on my face and although everything was pretty hazy still I knew he meant it when he said I meant nothing to him now. He looked down at me but his eyes, those eyes that I loved to stare into, they were empty, emotionless, like someone had replaced them with glass. It was like I had turned him into a robot, a shadow of his former self. It broke what was left of my heart to see him like that, to see what I had reduced him to.
The last straw for him had been him finding out about Danny, about what I did… the look on his face when he confronted me about it, the hurt, confusion and pain. All down to me. I had tried to explain how scared I was that Danny would hurt him, tried to make him see that I did it because I couldn't cope with anything happening to him. I tried to explain about Vinnie about what happened to him and how I could never let anyone hurt Stephen like that. I more or less told him I did it because I loved him.
Only now sitting here staring into my reflection in mass of water below me, can really see how I must have come across. A liar, a mental headcase, rather than taking responsibility for what I did, I pretty much put it on him. I virtually blamed him for making me into a killer, I had used love as an excuse or what I did. He had no reason to believe I loved him, how could he, I had never given him sign that I felt anything for him. I did though, I loved him in a way I had never experienced before and that had scared me.
So anyway, that last time I saw him, I had left hospital and he had come to the flat to see me, he had broken down in tears telling me how sorry he was, how his 'head had been mashed' from everything I had done and said, I had sat him down on the sofa wrapped my arms round him and held him and shushed him as he cried. There was so much I wanted to say, so much going on in my head, my heart was beating like crazy but I couldn't get any words out.
He finally stopped sobbing after about twenty minutes. He stood and I said he should leave and as I went to open the door he grabbed my arm, turned me to him and kissed me. I wanted to throw myself into it, hold him close , devour him with all the emotion I felt for him, but I didn't. I couldn't. I pulled away, god knows how, I wanted him with every fibre of my being but I managed it. Without looking up I opened the door and told him he was right, what he said in the hospital and told him to leave.
His eyes darted back and forth over my face hope shinning through his eyes. I played my poker face, kept my eyes blank and ushered him out the door. I shut the door behind him and leaned back against it. I practically started hyperventilating at what I had done, silent tears starting to course down my face. I wanted to run after him, to tell him how I really felt but sometimes you have to let go of what you love. I could finally see what I had done, I had created this toxic relationship between us, I had taken away his innocence and naivety, I brought back painful memories from his childhood, I had practically laughed in his face when he told me he loved me, I had driven him to put me in hospital. He was better off without me.
I had just started to get my breathing back under control when I heard footsteps on the stairs. FUCK ….. Cheryl was home. There was no way she hadn't heard or worse, seen what went on with Stephen. I grabbed my leather jacket, wallet and keys and left. My head was spinning, how had I let this happen, how had I messed everything up so badly, It was like I was witnessing a car crash, I couldn't stop it from happening. Stop the pain and the hurt that was about to be unleashed so I did what I did best. I ran. I headed for the station, got on the first train out of Chester and ended up here.
I had spent a week missing in action, I had kept my phone off at first finally turning it on after three days to find Cheryl had been bombarding me with messages, saying how she knew about me and Stephen, begging me to come home. I sent her one message saying I was ok and telling her I loved her before throwing my phone away. My time here had been spent with my best friend Mr Jameson until last night when I had finally sobered up allowing myself to break down in tears. I had been walking the streets for hours trying to get my head straight and figure out what to do. That's how I ended up here, sitting on this bridge and considering my fate.
Thinking back over the last few weeks had helped me clear some things in my head. Helped me realise what a damaging presence I can be in someone's life. How in order to save my life I fuck up everyone else's around me. I now knew what I had to do. I carefully stood on the railings, took a deep breath, made my decision and jumped.
I hit the ground virtually instantly and started walking back to the hotel, it was time to get my stuff and head home. Yes, I had messed up my life but there were four people in this world I loved, my kids, my dippy sister and Stephen. There was no way I could hurt them any more than I had already, especially Stephen. I couldn't leave him to live in this world with my life on his conscience. I had damaged him enough already. It was time to get my act together and maybe one day he would give me to chance to prove to him again that I was worth loving.