A/N: hi everyone ^^ this is post 2x15, so contains spoilers for that if you haven't seen it yet, as well as possible spoilers/promo stuff/speculation for 2x16. It'll be multi-chaptered. and I really hope you like where this is going and if you could let me know, that would be awesome and I'd be eternally grateful.

thanks to tiltingaxis for being my beta and to my twitter and tumblr friends for inspiring me.

disclaimer: I still don't own Glee, but I'm working on it!

He doesn't know okay? Sure maybe he knows a few more words now, but that's about it. He doesn't really know why he's here. But it feels good, just like kissing her and stuff. Why should he deny it? He's a dude and they were a thing once. He doesn't really know what they are now. Are they dating? He doesn't think so. Because aside from the sneaking around her house and make out and discussions about being prom king and queen, they don't do, well anything. They don't hold hands or go on dates and glance at each other meaningfully. They barely even talk. And he knows what it's like to have a girlfriend, hell; he knows what it's like to have Quinn as his girlfriend.

And it's really not like this, so he guesses that no, they're not dating. But you know what? Maybe that's better. There's no being cheated on or cheating for, there's just hands and lips and skin and hickeys and maybe that's what he needs. Okay, so he actually doesn't know what he needs, but trial and error is as good a process of finding out as any other, right? So he keeps biting her neck, wondering why he's actually still thinking when he's in her bed and her hands are in his hair and stuff, but then Finn figures maybe it's just one of those times when his brain won't shut up. The thing is, he's just pretty good at ignoring what it tells him. Or what he thinks it's telling him.

The confusing thing, he guesses, is forgiveness. He guesses he forgives her 'cause it's not like he wants to cry every time he sees her anymore or anything. But then there's the whole if he can forgive Quinn, why can't he forgive Rachel? Or maybe he has forgiven her too 'cause he doesn't feel mad like he used to. Just…a little emptier. But really, she's doing so well on her own right now and really shining and he knows her songs are going to be gold because a girl who's had her heart broken so many times has a story to tell. He's probably doing her a favor then, he thinks. But all this thinking and crap is making him tired so he yawns and smiles sleepily at Quinn, who just urges him to lie down and tells him it's okay to take a nap for a bit. He doesn't argue.

He wakes up to the sound of a car horn or something and he really hopes her mom isn't home. See, just 'cause Quinn's living with her mom again doesn't mean everything's all fine and dandy all the time. Quinn has to follow all these really strict rules, one of them being no boys over when her mom isn't home. And if they get caught…well, he doesn't know what will happen, but he doubts it'll be good. And then Quinn will blame it all on him because that's how she's always been…huh. He ignores that for now like he ignores all the harder things to think about and smiles when she assures him her mom won't be home for hours still.

He sees that he's left this pretty obvious hickey on her neck and promises he'll be more careful next time. Next time. He doesn't know when or how or why next time will be or if he does, that's not what his thoughts are focused on. Even though there's a small part of his brain screaming that this was never how his relationship with Quinn was before. Sure, they made out and stuff, but there was never just the cuddling and the tenderness and—and that was all just Rachel stuff, or rather Rachel and Finn stuff. Well, he doesn't know if it's a holdover from that or maybe he's changed and Quinn's changed so they've changed together. Nnngg. Too much thinking, he tells his brain. Too much thinking and not enough kissing and stuff. But she's talking about campaigning for prom king and queen again and it just kinda hurts because that's not why he's here, he does know that.

"…But that's not all this is about though, right?" he asks, dreading the answer. It's only like the fourth time she's brought it up today and the fortieth since they've been together but not really together together again. So yeah, it worries him. And it worries him a little more when she hesitates, but then she says how she made a mistake with Puck and her first time should have been with him, Finn. It makes him feel a little better at least, even there's still that shred of fear buried in him. But that can wait until later, can't it?

"There is where I belong," she tells him, touching his face. And he can't remember ever seeing her so nice before. "With you. Okay?"

"'Kay." Then they're kissing again so it's easy to act like everything's fine, even if he doesn't know what he should or shouldn't know or think of feel. But she looks pretty and he misses someone telling him he's good even if he can't bring himself to really believe it. And least not…not for her. But Quinn? Quinn is…well, he's good enough for Quinn right? She just wants to get her life back together, even if she's not as strong or as brave or as talented as Rachel. Because he doesn't feel like he's living in a shadow of her, even though he knows Rachel never tried or wanted to make him feel like that. It's just…she's just…so—so big. Not literally, of course. She's kinda a midget and really skinny, but her presence and everything about her is just so big and overwhelming and destined for greater things. Greater things than he thinks he'd ever be able to give her. With Quinn, it's just easier because she might rule the school, or be on her way to it anyway. But Rachel, Rachel is gonna rule the damn world.

How can he even compete with that?

He leaves an hour later 'cause he just doesn't wanna take chances with her mom and if he ever wants to hang out there again in secrecy cause you're not together Finn don't get ahead of yourself you know what happens when you do that then he figures he better get out. Besides, she has like homework or something, that's what she says anyway, and he thinks she whispers something about shopping for prom dresses and tuxes, but he's not totally sure because he's not really paying attention. He kisses her lightly before slipping out her front door and walking to the street corner where he'd parked his truck.

Prom King. It's a nice idea, he supposes. And it would boost his rep, although he's pretty high on the food chain already at the moment. Not that his head is quite as big about it as it once was—mono is a pretty good deterrent for that shit. But sure, he'll take advantage of it because since he's got pretty much nothing else going on in his life, at least he's on top. Right?

Well, whatever. It's just all a lot of thinking and stuff and that's not really what he's good at. He's good at drumming and football and…and being the guy who lets himself screw up a lot. Maybe not his best quality, but there you have it.

He gives up on his geometry homework because geometry is stupid and it's not like he can ask Quinn to help him. He'd always asked Rachel before to help him, when they were dating and stuff. He knows they're still friends and he could probably call her and she'd even probably say yes. But it just feels wrong. He's done enough bothering her. And what if she makes small talk, asks what he's been up to? He can't lie to her. He'd done that enough and even though they're not together, he still thinks the whole "no more lies" thing should apply; otherwise it makes it hard to even be friends. And he doesn't wanna have to see the hurt in her eyes when he says he's been with Quinn. 'Cause in all honesty, he doesn't wanna hurt her and he's not doing this, this thing with Quinn, to spite Rachel. He's just…exploring. Isn't that what high school is about?

But by that line of thinking, maybe the prom king thing isn't such a good idea. Like, if he and Quinn were to win (and he thinks they would probably have a good chance) and he got up there and accepted it and danced with Quinn? He doesn't think he'd be able to face Rachel after that either. Then again, if he ever wants to get over her, he can't keep letting her affect everything he does in life. And maybe he questions how much he wants to get over her, questions it a lot because there's still no one like Rachel Berry. But what choice does he have?

She's Rachel and she has everything to live for, even and especially when she gets out of this shitty ass town. But him? If he even manages to get out of Lima, what's he gonna have to show for it? At least if he's prom king, he'll have something to show for it, even if just a fake shiny crown and a handful of memories of what it felt like to be on top. Still…

He'll sleep on it, he decides. He's just sleepy, that's all.

School's going okay. He got a B on his Spanish quiz, so he's feeling okay about that. He says hi to Rachel and she waves at him, smiling widely, but she doesn't stop. That's the thing, she never stops. She just keeps going and going and shining so bright that sometimes it puts him to shame that he ever tried to hold her back. What was he even thinking?

He doesn't say hi to Quinn, though. But he doesn't see her except at glee rehearsal and by then they're all busy anyway because there are songs to be song and dances to be learned and he realizes that life doesn't slow down just because you can't keep up with it. He looks around and feels the tension. It's not him, not really anyway. Rachel is engrossed in writing something in her notebook at Mr. Schue drones on about something or other that he thinks is supposed to be a motivational speech, but Santana and Brittany are sitting on opposite corners of the room and he thinks it's really weird, but he doesn't know what it means.

And then he hears it.

"We're doing original songs for Regionals." Finn looks up at his teacher and then he's grinning because Rachel looks so happy and so proud and it's nice that they're finally starting to see how valuable she really is. And he glances at her and she turns her head and sees him looking, so she smiles back, but he sees something weird in her eyes that he can't quite decipher, but it clears away before he can try to analyze it further.

Rachel stands in front of them all, barely able to contain her excitement. "I just want to say," she announces, "that I'm proud to have you all singing the songs I've prepared and I can't wait for you to hear them. I'll have copies of the sheet music for everyone tomorrow."

He hears Quinn snort and he frowns, but he doesn't think Rachel even notices it because she's talking to Mr. Schuester about choreography, so he doesn't say anything.

After the hallways have cleared and he's about to head out to the parking lot, he sees Quinn approaching him, smiling in that way that probably means she wants something. But then she usually wants something, so maybe it's the way she smiles all the time. He's not gonna think about that one right now either because at least someone is talking to him.

"Hey," he greets.

"Hey. So I was wondering what you were doing this weekend?" She looks up at him, biting her lip, and it reminds him of how Rachel would do that and—he shakes his head as if that will help clear his mind or something (though really logic isn't his forte, so he's not overly surprised when it doesn't actually work all that well).

"Uh," he replies. "I don't…why? What's up?" He wonders if she's going to ask him to finally go out and maybe then they'll actually be dating or something. He doesn't know if it's a good idea, but he doesn't know if it's a bad one either because most of his ideas he just ends up throwing away anyway, no matter what he or anyone else thinks about them.

"Well, I was talking to my mom and prom dresses are going fast, so I thought I would go this weekend. And I—we could pick out a tux for you too, as we'll have to match. You can't be prom king and queen without being coordinated, so—what's wrong, Finn?"

He knows he's just staring stupidly at her, but what's he supposed to do? Prom is like two months away and it's only Tuesday today, and he doesn't plan ahead like she does. And she's always making these decisions and he doesn't know if it's what he wants or not, but—"Wait," he says. "We have Regionals this weekend, Quinn." He frowns again.

"I know, silly. But we could always go on Sunday. There'll be less people there anyway and we can think about it as a way to celebrate our win at Regionals." She then mutters something that sounds suspiciously like, "That is if Rachel's songs aren't terrible," but he can't be sure, which is probably the point. Because even though there's some kind of nice Quinn, she's always never stopped at anything to get what she wants. And she doesn't know Rachel like he does, so she doesn't know that her songs are going to be awesome because she just wants to prove to everyone that she can do this.

"Her songs are gonna be good," he assures her. "And yeah, sure. Just, like, text me what time or something."

Quinn rolls her eyes at his first statement, and his brow furrows, but then she brightens and says she'll see him later.

She doesn't kiss him, she doesn't squeeze his hand. She doesn't acknowledge him apart from just saying that. It bothers him, but he lets it slide. After all, he set himself up for this because he's Finn and she's Quinn and even though it's not the same this time around, it's not totally different either. He just has to get used to it all again. It's hard, you know? Being by himself. He doesn't like it, doesn't like having to think about all the things that hurt and bruise and scrape. So he's safe here—with Quinn. Just like before. And the little stings and pricks of being with her, they're easier to deal with and let heal than the gaping wounds that he still hasn't patched up or thought much about ways to do so without re-opening them all. So he just drives home, listening to Dashboard Confessional because he knows how to relate to it and he promised Burt he'd take the trash out tonight and stuff.

He's not sure if Quinn means to have sex with him, but she kinda seems to imply it. But didn't she just, like, rejoin the celibacy club? Then again, that doesn't really matter, he knows. Not just 'cause she was in the celibacy club and gave it up to Puck—he doesn't wanna think about that anymore; he's not sure it matters. But he remembers his brief stint in the celibacy club and pretty much none of those guys were virgins, except probably the Jewfro kid. He remembers that time Rachel came in and called the celibacy club a joke because girls want sex as much as guys do. But then he wonders what changed. Not that he'd ever wanted to push her when they dated, but she turned a little prude-y. Maybe it's because of what happened (or didn't happen, whatever) with Jesse. But he remembers hearing her talking about how she's joined the celibacy club again, so he guesses maybe she's just had a change of heart. Or mind. Or something. Which he can relate to because he knows how it sucks when sex doesn't mean anything, even if that's a really girly way to look at it.

Maybe he shouldn't be thinking about this because it's not like sex and Rachel in the same sentence is an option for him. He thinks maybe sex with Quinn is, this time. He just hopes if (when?) it comes up, it's not something where she's gonna dump him afterward. But then again, they're not dating, remember Finn? So it's not like she could dump him properly. So it would mean something, but he doesn't know what. And he doesn't know if it would be recurring. Would they just be hookups to her? Would it just be hookups to him? He's not really that kind of guy though, is he? He guesses he could be if he tried. But there was a reason he never really tried. Puck may have been his best friend before (and sort-of friend again) but he'd never been able to get behind the lifestyle, though he could enjoy celebrating the conquests or whatever. But he likes the idea of just having a girl.

Maybe he could ask Quinn to be his girlfriend…mmm, maybe not. He doesn't wanna upset her if that's not what she wants. 'Cause when they were together, honestly, she'd been the one to ask him out—or demand, really. So she always needs to be in control. And if she wanted Finn to be her boyfriend, she would have told him, right?

But damnit, what about him? What about what he wants? He wishes he knew what he wanted because it would make life so much simpler to deal with without dodging around the tough parts like he's become a pro at doing. But he knows from experience you can't always get what you want anyway, so maybe it's just another thing that doesn't matter or he's going to pretend doesn't matter. He used to pretend he was happy with where he was in his life. He's sure he can do it again.

It's not the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

The week is dragging by really slowly. Like really slowly, like his skin is crawling slow a little too much time like forcing me to think and it just hurts okay so time just be faster because I just want to win will it make things better again? and it's sort of depressing. It's Thursday though and Regionals are on Saturday and he's pretty pumped about that, at least. Because Rachel's songs are gold. They're more than awesome. Well, the ones he's heard anyway. He knows she's saving at least one as a ballad to perform herself (and she deserves it because she wrote them and he's just really proud of her) that she's keeping as a secret for now. He has to admit, his curiosity is piqued, but he hasn't asked her to show him because she's Rachel and is by definition stubborn and determined. But that's okay too, he supposes, because it'll be even more amazing when they're at Regionals and she's singing her heart out. He smiles a little.

"Finn!"

He turns around and finds her, a little out a breath as she catches up to him. "Hey."

"I just…" she starts. "I just want to thank you for believing in me and for fighting for me to sing these songs." She smiles up at him and she's wearing this unicorn sweater and it's just really good to see her so happy, he realizes, even if there's a pang in his heart that he's not the cause of it. But they had their chance. And sometimes things just can't work out the way you think/wish they will.

He smiles. "Oh," he says. "Yeah, no problem. Your songs are…they're amazing, Rachel. And I knew if anyone could do it, it'd be you."

Her face gets a little red and she pats his forearm before murmuring her thanks and telling him she'd see him tomorrow if she didn't see him later. He nods and keeps walking to his locker.

He sees Quinn already leaning against it when he gets there. "Hey," he says again.

"Really Finn?" Quinn asks sardonically. He's not sure what he's done wrong or if maybe she's just cranky about something else, though this time he can't (and she can't) blame it on pregnancy hormones. Thankfully.

"Err…what?"

"Nothing," she mutters dismissively, and then smiles at him. "I was just making sure you're ready for Sunday."

He closes his locker and frowns. "Saturday, you mean?"

She rolls her eyes. "That too." Sunday? What was Sunday then? Were they…oh oh. Ugh. Prom shopping. Where is this going anyway, he wonders. They're going to Regionals in two days and she's worried about a prom dress. She's talking now about posters for their campaign but he remembers the last time he made posters for the school and even if it's different now, Mrs. Sylvester is awful and scary and somehow manages to ruin everything they do. And really, he's not that artistic and even if being Prom King is cool, it's still forever away and he's more concerned about beating Aural Intensity and the Warblers, even if he has to compete against his step-brother (which really isn't cool at all, but he grudgingly admires Kurt for being brave enough to take a stand and not keep coming to an environment that puts him in harm. Admittedly, he hasn't seen much of Karofsky lately, but that doesn't mean a whole lot 'cause the gorilla could come at them any time he wants) and not getting people to vote for them.

And to be honest, she keeps bringing this up and it really makes him (re)question her sudden (re)interest in him because yeah she said she belongs here with him, but she didn't say it was because she cares about him. She could belong with him, next to him, because he's popular and she's still kinda popular and she still wants to be popular. But he doesn't have all the best motives for being with (he keeps saying that, "with," but know he uses it loosely because he's still sure they're not dating, but there aren't many terms for that besides, like, fuck buddies, but you can't be fuck buddies without sex and they still haven't had sex or anything yet so he just doesn't know how to classify this all, really) her. Is he using her? He doesn't think so. Because he does care about her. And no matter what, she was his first real girlfriend and there's always going to be something between them. So it's worth revisiting because she's who she is and he's…well whoever he is (he doesn't know yet, but she doesn't question him or anything so he doesn't see a reason to stop forcing the thought to the back of his mind) and they're good for each other and stuff. Maybe not because their each other's one true loves, but they're good enough for each other.

The ex-cheer captain and the broken star quarterback. It's sort of perfect. (Too perfect? Maybe. Does it matter? Probably not). Finn and Quinn. Their names even rhyme. And that's more than perfect too, like too perfect to mean anything real, but it'll give them an advantage at Prom, she's told him. So whatever. Really, it's just all whatever these days. And really, that's the problem. So like he always does, he just pushes it all away.

Doesn't matter.

Can't matter.

He wipes his palms nervously on his jeans because it's lunch and this time tomorrow they'll be getting ready to perform on stage in front of all these people and yeah, he's done it before. But this is…it's still. It's just still, okay? Or no wait, he needs to be still. Or something. God, what's wrong with him? There's still over twenty hours before they perform and he's already acting sweaty and nervous like a fool. Jeez.

He takes another bite of his (unsatisfactory) sandwich and thinks absently that he should probably start bringing his own lunch. He looks across the table at Quinn, and next to him, where they're sitting with Lauren, Puck, Mike, and Tina. She nods in his direction and he sighs. She's not nervous at all and it doesn't make sense to him because even at Sectionals she was freaking out, but now she's just calmly spooning up her soup and he wonders if she's really that confident or if she's just faking it. Because he knows how that is, faking confidence. He gets it. Trust him. It's like his main hobby these days. Maybe not hobby, but the right words are failing him and he doesn't care enough to think what the right one is because that's Rachel's job, but Rachel isn't here so it's all just limbo. It's Finn and Quinn in limbo and Finn in limbo and Rachel in limbo and everything is the same and separate, they're both, like he's both wanting to say he's more than a prom king, and then he wants to deny it because he can't think of anything else that he is, really. He's not a star and he doesn't shine. And he's not good at planning, so even if he's nothing, he can't make everyone think he is a king without his ego, without these people saying they like him and they look at him. But they're just looking, of course. It doesn't mean they see. But that's better because he doesn't want them to see and anyway, they probably wouldn't like what they see, so he'd be back to square one.

Or maybe circle one. Because circles are never ending, right? People have told him that before. Squares, circles, people, they're sort of them same when you think about it. They're so many things lines lines more lines skin mind lines body consciousness lines and lines they're lines and circles and lines that meet and intersect lines that are parallel and thoughts that mix and thoughts that stray all these lines and thoughts it just makes me dizzy all these things really but others really only see them as one thing. You're just a circle, one never ending line. Or you're just a square, four lines that meet and two sets a parallel lines, but you're still just a square. You're just a person; just the quarterback, just the prom king, just the ex, just the loser. You're just the things no one wants to see in themselves.

So yeah, he gets that. But he's just really hungry and circles make him think of pizza and pizza would be a lot better than whatever he's eating right now. But everything's mostly better than anything in the moment you're wishing you had something else.

He tells Quinn he'll see her after school because lunch is over and stuff and he has classes that he has to not pay attention in.

And later as he's walking through the hallways where he's sure no one is around, that's when he hears it. Crying. But it's not just any crying, 'cause he would be able to recognize it anywhere. It's Rachel. It's Rachel who's crying and even though there's a part of him that tells him he should mind his own business, he tells it to back off. Because she's still his friend and she's still Rachel, so he pushes his way into the girls' bathroom (and wow, it smells way better than the guys' bathroom ever does—which isn't surprising really, but still. It's not like he's ever been inside a girls' bathroom before).

"Rachel?" he asks tentatively when he sees her dabbing at her eyes as she stands at the sink. She turns around and her eyes are all red and she looks angry and lost and hurt and broken. He knows because he thinks he probably looks that way a lot when he forgets to hide that he's not the big confident quarterback who led the team to win their championship game.

She grits her teeth and turns away from him again. "Go away." He doesn't recognize her voice; all cold and callow and stuff. She never sounds like that. Even when she's been mad at him, the one thing she's never lacked was passion, feeling, Rachel-ness.

"Rachel?" he asks again. "What—what is it?"

She turns around this time, for real, with her hands balled into fists and he sees the passion come back and now he doesn't know what he's supposed to feel. "What is it?" she echoes. "What is it? Finn, I'm doing my best here. I really am. I've accepted the way I feel about you and the way you don't feel about me—"

"—What does that—"

She talks over his interruption. "And I've tried to be okay with you choosing her over me again. And I've come to terms with the fact that you're exploring all these possibilities, okay? I'm doing my best. Because I need to. And I need to go out there tomorrow and be part of a team and win. Because we can't lose again."

She pauses to take a breath and there are more tears, but he doesn't say anything because she wants to finish; he can tell. "Do you know what I don't need though, Finn?"

He shakes his head because he doesn't know, but he wants to. He wants to know what's wrong with her. He does.

"I don't need you and—and her to rub your relationship in my face. I'm respecting your decisions, Finn. I'm doing what you asked me to. And whatever you and Quinn decide to do in your private time isn't my business. But I don't need to hear about it, hear her bragging to me about it. And I don't need you to act like it's okay." She looks up at him, all tears and heartbreak and his own heart is beating really fast because he doesn't know what she's talking about. Well, he does, he thinks. But he hasn't—he didn't—he should talk to Quinn.

"Just stop doing this to me!" She stomps out of the bathroom before he can question her, before he can put the pieces together because everything is so hazy and muddled and it's just not right. And Quinn. He doesn't know what it is she said because he surel hasn't said anything. Because she's always acted like they're still sneaking around and rather than risk it, he just lets her. So what happened?

What's happening?

His feet can't carry him out of the bathroom fast enough. He needs to know. So many things he needs to know and so many things he needs to stop pretending to know. There's a way there's a way there's a way there has to be a way maybe a way around the hard parts if you're lucky but you need to know.

He needs to know.

okay so I would really, really appreciate your feedback on this. and I'm not sure if this will have one more chapter or two more, but I'll have the next part up as soon as I can. I promise. thank you so much!
reviews = love