Expired Excuses
By Alice Potter
It was the most beautiful day of the year-the perfect weather went lovingly with a soothing breeze, the birds were chirping, and all who strolled about the town were merry.
John Egbert was not so merry. He was plodding through school, slowly and agonizingly waiting for seventh period (science class) to come, so he could go home. He sat in sixth period, staring at the clock. Five minutes left. Only five more minutes until he was an hour away from going home!
The bell rang and off he went to seventh period, the last class of the day, his last metaphorical jail cell. He took his seat and waited with baited breath. It won't be long now! Science always came as an easy subject for him. No matter what happened today, he was prepared for it. Nothing could ruin this glorious Friday!
His teacher drolled on as soon as the bell rang to start the lesson. John was wide awake and listening, if for nothing other than to pass the time. He was ready for this bell to ring!
"...papers due next Friday. Write everything you know about nuclear physics. Explain the multiple processes and make sure it sounds well thought out. I'll know if you slacked."
John picked his head up out of his hands and stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed at his teacher. Nuclear physics? What a way to segue into this lesson! As genius as he was, he was no nuclear physicist! He'd have to take up all his remaining time just to acquire the knowledge to write this paper. But where would he get such knowledge?
The library. Of course!
The bell rang to let the students out of school. Immediately, John headed to the library. He ambled around in the aisles and picked up every book he could find on the subject of nuclei and physics and nuclear physics. He thumbed through them, and nothing looked particularly educational, until he finally found the perfect one. "Nuclear Physics for Dummies," the title proclaimed. He was a dummy on the subject of nuclear physics, so he was absolutely certain that this book would help him sort everything out!
He brought the book up to the pretty librarian-a one Feferi Peixes. How her eyes sparkled through the glass fish bowl on her head! How marvelous and delicate her lips looked when she sucked up the tea that she put in her fish bowl, because even fish love beverages. How shiny her hair was as it cascaded down her shoulders like the waves from whence she came. Her stunning looks always tightened up John's throat, and he found it hard to play it cool around such a cool lady.
He stammered out the words "I'm ready to check out," sounding like an idiot and resisting every urge to say "I'm ready to check out your body while you check out mine." She smiled, those plump lips of hers pushing up the corners of her mouth, and said "Great! I'll scan these for you." He watched as she scanned the books with the grace of a swan. He was so busy checking her out that he didn't notice when she handed the book back until she said "Here. This is yours now. Temporarily. All I ask is that you please get it back to me on time. It's due next Friday."
He smiled a toothy grin at her and left. He barely heard a word she said because he was so preoccupied with her looks. He was gonna write the paper not just to impress his teacher, but to impress her from far away. He was gonna show her just how much knowledge he could really get by studying.
He poured over the paper for days. He checked and double-checked and triple-checked his facts in the Nuclear Physics for Dummies book. He was learning at a rate of 96 facts per page. He knew what the hell he was talking about by the time he finished this paper Thursday night. He was prepared beyond all belief.
He was so confident about his skills, in fact, that he presented his paper in front of the class the next day. His classmates lauded him with applause and even his teacher gave him a congratulatory educator's pat on the back. A smile spread across his face. He was enjoying all the attention. A little too much. So much so, in fact, that he forgot his book was due.
Feferi noticed that the dorky little dorky kid didn't walk through the door with the property that officially belonged to the library. She kept her cheerful grin on her face the whole day while formulating a plan. Oh yes. She was going to get her book back.
A week went by. The public library was closed every day for that week. Feferi was busy inside, making preparations. Finally, on Friday afternoon, when the kids were let out of school, she was finished. She called up John's cell phone and reminded him of his book.
"Yes. Yes, of course I have it. Of course! I'm going to return it to you right now!"
And the click of the receiver signified the end of the conversation, and the beginning of something sinister. Feferi revealed her needle-sharp angel shark teeth in a deadly, ear-to-ear grin.
-
John pushed open the library door. It was surprisingly dark. The lights weren't on! Whatever could this be for? He called out into the darkness. No answer. He pushed his way past the door, and hit something.
Immediately, he was pushed into a chair that automatically strapped him down at the arms and legs.
A spotlight turned on and revealed, standing atop her desk, a certain Ms. Feferi Peixes. She knocked over her glass of "tea"-in acutality, the blood of students who didn't return their books. The needle-sharp ear-to-ear grin from earlier was back.
As John gasped, she said only a sentence to him: "Mr. Egbert, you have an overdue library book."
And she was upon him in a flurry of needle-teeth and razor-claws.
The obituary reported the cause of death as "Death of a Thousand Paper-Cuts."