Disclaimer and Notes: The Legend of Zelda belongs to Nintendo; no profit is being made from this. A series of crack one-shots about what Pipit sees on Night Patrol – particularly in regards to a certain heroic underclassman who's apparently decided that sanity is overrated. Inspired by things going through my mind and my stupid "experiments" with Link when I have him grounded at Skyloft between adventure-times. Seeing as I don't think I can write decent slash to save my life, these will be gen and het unless I get a really good slash-shot idea and a boost of confidence.

Forgive my attempts at humor.

NIGHT WATCH

1. Mother

It was about an hour before dawn and Pipit was headed home to rest his tired bones for a few hours before he needed to report for his afternoon duties as a trainee-knight. The sky was already taking on a graying shade in the west. These work-hours were killing him. He couldn't remember the last time he took any time out for a good leisurely flight or anything else fun. The one day off he got a week (forced upon him by the Academy and the senior knights despite his willingness to earn the extra pay) was typically spent dead-asleep.

The young man came up to his house quietly. He wanted to enter in silence so as to not awaken his mother. He paused before his hand reached the doorknob.

"Aaaaah!"

Huh? That was his mother's voice.

"Aaaah! Oooh! Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Pipit stood shock-still for a moment as a childhood memory crept into his mind, placing when he'd heard his mother make noises like that before.

He was a tiny child – just five years old and he was thirsty. He couldn't reach the water pitcher on the shelf in the main room and he wasn't allowed to go out to the riverbank alone. It was the middle of the night, so he definitely couldn't go to the riverbank alone. He climbed out of bed and went over to where Mama and Papa slept. He'd have to wake them up and ask for water.

Yeah – Papa was still alive and healthy then… this memory was from quite a while before he got sick.

"Ohhh! Aaaaah! Aaaaaah!" he heard from behind the curtain that was drawn over his parents' bed. It was Mama's voice and she sounded really happy. She must have been having a great dream. The child thought about going back to bed and leaving her alone, but he was really thirsty. His tongue felt like sand. He had to wake her and Papa up.

Pipit pulled back the curtain to find Papa on top of Mama, covered in a sheet. They both stared at him like a pair of scared remlits.

"P-Pip," his father asked, "Wha-what are you doing up at this time of night?"

"I wanted a glass of water," the child said. "What are you an' Mama doing?"

"We're…uh… sheet-wrestling!" his mother recovered. "Just go back to bed, sweetheart."

"But the water..."

"Just a few minutes, son," Papa assured. "Just go on back to bed and I'll bring you some water."

Pipit shuddered and winced. He thought he'd repressed that memory good and deep. His father had "the talk" with him about the Loftwings and the Deku Hornets soon after that – mostly because his innocent child self had kept asking to join them in "sheet-wrestling" because it looked like fun.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

His mother had not said anything about dating anyone. Maybe he could ask Fledge if he could bunk in his room at the Academy for three or four hours while he hung out in town. Formal classes had been suspended while Zelda remained missing, so the Tower Plaza was pretty much where Fledge went these days. If push came to shove, Pipit knew he could hijack Link's dorm for a nap, with Link being absent for days on end and the fact that Link never locked his door. That would be rude, though, to take the room without asking. Pipt's brow knotted in frustration. Sexiled from his own home and he didn't even know if Mother was with someone he'd approve of. Maybe that's why Mom didn't say anything about seeing anyone – Pipit knew that he probably wouldn't approve of anyone, being as protective as he was of her. If she was with a cad, however, it's not like he was going to do anything about it right now.

"Here's your money, hon. Oh, you deserve every bit of it!"

Pipit twitched. A paid admirer? The young knight didn't know of anyone on the island who leased themselves out as a gigolo. He didn't know of anyone offering such service on any of the off-islands, either. He supposed that Peater-fellow might be in for that sort of thing, but he doubted Mom would go for someone like him. One thing that Pipit knew about his mother that he wished he didn't was that she liked younger men. Goddessdammit. If she was lonely, she should find a way to take care of it without spending the food-budget.

Another voice sounded from inside.

"No. Keep it, please. My services are free of charge, Mrs. Mallara. Pipit will be mad if you pay me any more."

Link.

Link?

LINK!

Pipit felt the blood drain from his face and his eyes go as wide as dinner plates. He grit his teeth together hard. How could he? Link was his friend! How could he…and Mom… How could one of his best friends betray him like this? What's more…Mom – Link was younger than he was!

"One last…gust…before you go, honey? It's so relaxing!"

He was putting a stop to this. Pipit burst through the door, his eyes shut tight against things he did not want to witness his mother and his friend doing together.

"MOM! LINK!" he roared. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME! Link… I should have guessed you would have taken up being a paid lover seeing as the girls like you, but…but! And Mom! I know you've been lonely lately, Dad's been gone a long time, but! But!"

"Calm down, honey, calm down!" Mallara called. "It's not what you think! Oh, darling, open your eyes!"

"No!"

"Let me try," Link said.

Pipit felt a gust of wind blow with a mighty force right in his face. His tears dried and his hat flew off his head. He blinked, dumfounded. There was Link, fully clothed, holding a bizarre device. There was his mother, also fully-clothed, standing in the living room of their uncharacteristically clean house.

"B-bu-but…" Pipit stammered. His eyes darted between his mother and his friend.

"It's a Gust Bellows, a device that blows air!" Link said excitedly. "I found it in a really old mining facility I discovered out exploring. I think it's a piece of lost technology! All I've got to do is aim it and hold it just so and it blows every speck of dust away! Isn't it neat?"

"Um… yeah, I guess so," Pipit said, picking up and replacing his hat.

"I know you didn't want me to get a housekeeper," Mallara explained, "But it's so easy for Link and he's so good at it!"

At this, Link got a desperate look on his face. "I… I insisted that this is for free," Link struggled. "I don't want any money. I just wanted to be nice."

"But, dear, you deserve it!" Mallara insisted.

"What about… the weird noises?" Pipit asked, slightly fearful.

"Ooh, missed a spot," Link said as he aimed his crazy new toy at the table. He wheeled around, the device pumping. A blast of air hit Mallara. She closed her eyes and rolled her head back, letting it hit her full in the body.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Pipit grit his teeth. He turned to Link. Link turned off his device and gave Pipit a look that was as innocent as the face on a daytime remlit. Pipit, in turn, gave him a look that was as dangerous as a nighttime remlit.

"Get. Out."

"But… Pipit, what's wrong?"

"Get. Out."

Link exited. "Ooh, kitty!" he said as a gentle remlit came bounding up to him in the pink light of the dawn.

"Oh, Pipit, honey, I hope I didn't do anything to upset you!" his mother pleaded.

"It's alright, Mom. I'm goin' to bed."