[Author note:] This story was originally intended as a script pitch for an audio drama podcast, the Brown Monkey Audio series, along with their British collaborators in the BBM, who have recently started the Adventures of Curly Fu & Peanut podcast.
I had an idea for a story that would combine the characters of the Discworld with the investigative mystery of the Sherlock Holmes universe, with a generous dollop of Lovecraftian horrors from the Cthulhu Mythos added to the mix, for good measure. Since Brown Monkey (no relation, by the way) is known to be fond of H.P. Lovecraft, and the Curly Fu & Peanut series is a parody of the works of Arthur Conan Doyle, this seemed like a perfect match-up.
Unfortunately, I'd neglected to consider copyright laws: the writings of Lovecraft and Conan Doyle have long since moved into the public domain, and are – more or less – fair game for audio adaptations, but anyone wishing to fiddle around with Sir Pterry's books would have to gain permission from the executors of his estate, or some such. (There's a group of people who were recently working on an amateur radio play adaptation of the popular Discworld novel Monstrous Regiment, who encountered the same problem, and ended up getting a cease-and-desist order.)
It's possible that, since this is an "original" story (as original as fanfic can be, anyway), this story might pass muster and get permission for turning it into an audio drama podcast, without having to pay royalties and so on. However, since I'm nothing if not incredibly lazy, I decided not to go to all that trouble. Hopefully, you will still be able to enjoy the silliness of it, even without the voice acting. Bear in mind that this is a parody of a satire of a pastiche, and some (i.e. all) of the characters may seem slightly (or totally) out of character. Imagine, if you will, the Muppets performing a stage production, and you'll probably get the gist of what's going on here.
Finally, if you're unfamiliar with Brown Monkey Audio and the Adventures of Curly Fu & Peanut, please go look them up online, and listen to some of their episodes. They're great entertainment, and this story will make a lot more sense if you're acquainted with the cast. As an added bonus, you can pretend that you're reading the lines of the script in their voices, inside your head. It really adds to the experience.
Go on, try it. You know you want to.
Oh, and even more finally: feel free to skip the first chapter, it's just a bunch of exposition to introduce people to the Discworld, in case they haven't read the novels already. The first chapter doesn't even have any explosions or knife fights in it, that's how boring it is. Seriously, skip ahead to chapter two, nobody will ever know.
...Still here? Okay, brace yourself for painful irony and even more agonizing puns.
Scene 1
[Inside the home of Brown Monkey and Sherman the Polar Bear.]
[SFX: Gentle welcoming intro music plays for a moment, and then fades]
[SFX: Door opens, and a toy monkey walks into the room.]
Brownie: Hey, Sherm!
Sherman: Hey, Brownie.
Brownie: What's that book you're reading?
Sherman: It's called "The Colour of Magic", by the late British author, Sir Terry Pratchett, Brownie.
Brownie: Oh, did he leave you waiting for it a long time?
Sherman: Actually, Brownie, this book was published in 1983. And I meant that he was late, in the sense that he passed away recently.
Brownie: Oh! So what's the color of magic, then? I bet it's brown, ha ha ha!
Sherman: Not quite, Brownie; the color of magic is called octarine, and can only be perceived by certain people, such as wizards. It was postulated to be an eight color in the spectrum of light. This is significant, because the number eight holds great importance in the fantasy realm called Discworld, invented by Sir Terry, or: "Sir Pterry", as his fans liked to call him.
Brownie: You just said the same thing twice, Sherm.
Sherman: No, Brownie. Terry Pratchett's nickname, Sir Pterry, is spelled P-T-E-R-RY, with a silent P. This is similar to the name of Ptolemy, who...
Brownie: That's great, Sherm, but why are you so interested in reading this book? Actually, I think I can guess: it's full of lots of really boring facts and stuff, like a math book, or a pile of Trivial Pursuit cards that got all stuck together when I accidentally dropped my peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the game box, right?
Sherman: Actually, Brownie, the Discworld novels are very humorous and comedic, while also providing poignant observations of what it means to be a sapient, sentient being in this strange, infinite universe. Sir Terry had also read H.P. Lovecraft's stories about the Cthulhu Mythos, and included numerous references to it, in his own books.
Brownie: Huh! So it's a bit like our show, then?
Sherman: You could say that, Brownie. As a matter of fact, one of our listeners sent us a manuscript...
[SFX: rustling paper]
Sherman: ...It's based on the Lovecraftian elements of the Discworld novels. He asked us if we would be interested in recording an audio drama version of it. He even included several elements from one of the classic, original Sherlock Holmes stories, to help lure Fred Turner, and the other members of the British Brown Monkey Audio department, out of hiding, and get them to help with the recording.
[SFX: Someone suddenly appearing in the room, possibly knocking some furniture over]
Stanislaw: That is out of the question! Who does he think he is, showing up out of nowhere, trying to bait us with Sherlock Holmes parodies? As though we'd just drop everything and leap to attention, faster than you could say "Arthur", as soon as someone mentions Conan Doyle?
Sherman: Stanislaw? Where did you come from? And wasn't that the same way you joined the show, once upon a time?
Stanislaw: Never mind that, we need to focus on the important part, here: throwing out this blatantly obsequious brownnoser and his Baker Street irregularities!
Brownie: Hey! What's wrong with my nose?
Sherman: That's too bad, Stanislaw… although I must say how much I respect your moral fortitude, in sticking to your principles, even though you're being offered a unique opportunity.
Stanislaw: [suspicious tone of voice] ...What do you mean?
Sherman: Well, the author of the script thought that you should play the part of Havelock Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork. Vetinari is a veritable genius who rules an entire nation through subtlety, cunning, and deft manipulation.
Stanislaw: What? Let me see that!
[SFX: Paper being pulled out of someone's hand a polar bear's paw]
Stanislaw: ...We-e-ell, on second thought, maybe we shouldn't be too hasty. I mean, we wouldn't want to discourage an, uh... enthusiastic amateur with a great sense of casting, would we? We should, erm... give him a chance, and take a look at this script, first.
Brownie: Hey Stanislaw, how did you get over here so quickly, all the way from Belgium?
Stanislaw: ...Mmmy impeccable sense of timing?
Brownie: Were you hiding in the kitchen again, eating all our chocolate chip cookies while calling them "biscuits"?
Stanislaw: No! Absolutely not! I just, uh... needed to use your bathroom.
Brownie: Really? You should probably start reading the 'best before' date on the cookie packets, then.
Stanislaw: Shut up, Monkey.
[SFX: footsteps retreating]
Brownie: [shouting] Remember to flush when you're done! [Normal voice] Anyway, that sounds really cool, Sherm. Who sent it?
Sherman: It was someone called Pencil-Monkey. Do you know him?
Brownie: Oh, him? Yeah, that's my cousin's sister's nephew's great-great-grandfather's aunt's cleaning lady's stepbrother's neighbor!
Sherman: Really?
Brownie: No. I've never heard of the guy, before. And it's kinda rude of you to assume that I would know some random monkey, just because I'm a toy monkey, myself.
Sherman: I'm sorry, Brownie.
Brownie: I'd almost call you a racist, but I know you're not fast enough to run any kind of race. Ha ha ha!
Sherman: That's not very nice, Brownie.
Brownie: What? It's true! I've never seen you move faster than a sort of lumbering waddle, unless there was a bowl of minestrone chicken soup behind the finish line.
Sherman: I thought I asked you not to bring up that again, Brownie. It was not one of my proudest moments.
Brownie: Sorry, Sherm. So what's in this script, anyway? Is it any good? Should we start recording it?
[SFX: Polar bear claws tapping over laptop keyboard]
Sherman: Actually, Brownie... It looks like Pencil-Monkey already recorded our voice acting, and sent us the edited file, while we were talking, just now.
Brownie: What?! How is that even possible? [Suspicious tone of voice] Does he have a time machine? Is he one of those twelve monkeys from that movie with Bruce Willis you like?
Sherman: No, I don't think so, Brownie.
Brownie: Then how could he have recorded us, acting out his script, when we haven't even read it, yet?
[SFX: Faint sounds of recorded voices being played back on laptop]
Sherman: Hmm... From the sound of it, he must have recorded us with microphones hidden in our house, Brownie.
Brownie: Really? That's creepy! Could he really get a whole podcast episode out of that? One that matches with his script?
Sherman: Well, you do tend to talk a lot in your sleep… and when you're playing with your cereal, in the morning. Oh, and you also talk a lot when you-
Brownie: What's that got to do with it?
Sherman: Have you ever heard the expression: if you give a thousand monkeys a thousand typewriters, they will eventually write the complete works of William Shakespeare?
Brownie: No?
Sherman: Well, it seems that, if you plant a thousand hidden miniature microphones in the same room as an excitable toy monkey, you will eventually get...
[SFX: dramatic background intro music starts playing, Sherman's voice gets all echo-ey with plenty of reverb]
A STUDY IN OCTARINE!
Starring:
Brown Monk-
[Music cuts off, possibly with a screech like a record player being stopped]
Brownie: Hang on, Sherm. Hasn't this been done before?
Sherman: What do you mean, Brownie?
Brownie: Well, you said that this is going to be Sherlock Holmes versus Cthulhu, right? And that mash-up idea has already been explored by the critically-acclaimed Belgian writer, Neil Gaiman, in his award-winning short story, A Study in Emerald - which, incidentally, also inspired a board game of the same name.
Sherman: I'm impressed, Brownie. Have you read the story, yourself?
Brownie: Nah, I heard the guys down at the comic book store talk about it. Did you know that the Queen of Belgium has tentacles? I didn't know that, it sounds gross.
Sherman: I don't think that's going to be a problem, Brownie. After all, we're adding the comedy aspect of the Discworld novels to the story, as well.
Brownie: Okay, Sherm. I just wish I had read some of those Pa-Terry books, so I knew what I was getting into.
[SFX: Book makes rustling noise when it's lifted]
Sherman: Would you like to try this one, Brownie? You can borrow it, if you like.
Brownie: Nah, that's okay, Sherm. It looks like it's got too much writing in it for my taste, anyway.
Sherman: Actually, Brownie, several of Sir Terry Pratchett's novels have been converted into comic books, graphic novels, animated TV series, and live-action TV films. And there are a few of his books, that are heavily illustrated picture books, such as Where's My Cow?, and The Last Hero.
[SFX: Another, larger book being picked up and opened]
Sherman: Look!
Brownie: Wow! That's gorgeous! What's it about?
Sherman: The Last Hero is a quasi-mythopoeic narrative featuring a creative subversion of Joseph Campbell's monomyth, or Hero's Journey, subtly interlaced with the contemplations of a once-great group of men faced with their own mortality, and-
Brownie: Huh?
Sherman: [sighs] It's about wizards, policemen, and an orangutan, who all visit the moon in a dragon-powered space ship, on their way to stop a group of wrinkly old nearly-retired barbarian heroes from blowing up the mountain Cori Celesti, the home of the gods themselves, using a sled packed with explosives.
Brownie: Wow, cool! Why didn't you just say so in the first place, Sherm?
Sherman: Yes, Brownie. That was silly of me. As the saying goes: "Know thy audience".
Brownie: That's right, Sherm. And to thine own self be true.
Sherman: I'm impressed, Brownie. Where did you learn that phrase? Do you know what it means?
Brownie: Of course I do, Sherm. "Thine" is a fancy way of saying that you're eating something, and that it's so fancy, it's given you a lisp.
Sherman: Actually, Brownie, that's not...
Brownie: Sure it is, Sherm! Haven't you ever been to a roadthide thiner, before? I once visited the 29 Thiner in Fairfax, Virginia, but it was false advertisement, 'cause there were only twenty-three people inside. The thining experience wasn't that great, either; there was this weird old guy, who took out his thentures, and it was really gross, because-
[SFX: Door slamming open]
Tucker: That was me, you blithering nincompoop! And they weren't dentures, I was putting my chewing gum in a napkin, before savoring the meal I'd just bought.
Brownie: [wailing] She-e-erm! Tucker said a bad word.
Sherman: Actually, Brownie, the word "nincompoop" is not really as bad as-
Brownie: Ha ha ha! You said "poop". That's dirty!
Tucker: Sherman, aren't you the least bit concerned about the possible ramifications of parodying so many influential writers?
Brownie: [shaky voice] You mean... you think that the ghosts of H.P. Lovecraft, Arthur Conan Doyle, and Terry Pratchett, are all going to come back to haunt us?!
Tucker: Actually, I was more worried about lawsuits - but sure, let's talk about ghost writers.
Sherman: Well, we've never had problems before, doing audio dramas based on the stories about Sherlock Holmes or the Cthulhu Mythos, so I don't see why it should be a problem, adding the Discworld novels, too. By all accounts, Sir Terry was a rather amiable person...
Brownie: Oh, that's good!
Sherman: ...Except when he was riled, for then, his wrath was mighty indeed.
Brownie: Ehhhh...
Sherman: His underlying sense of righteous anger was legendary! In fact, if anyone was able to come back as a poltergeist - an angry and destructive ghost - I would say that Sir Terry Pratchett would be among the most likely candidates.
Brownie: That's re-e-eally not helping, Sherm.
Sherman: Don't worry, Brownie. Sir Terry was an author - I doubt his ghost would do anything more damaging than emptying out our drinks cabinet.
Brownie: Oh! That's okay, then. I don't keep any of my Mountain Dew in there, anyway.
Sherman: Come to think of it, I do believe that Sir Terry's favorite tipple, or beverage of choice, was the banana daiquiri.
Brownie: [screams] AAAAH! B-b-but Sherm! That's my favorite leverage, too!
Sherman: Relax, Brownie; you only ever get non-alcoholic banana daiquiris. Sir Terry probably wouldn't be too interested in those.
Brownie: [sighs with relief] Jeez, Sherm! Are you deliberately trying to send me on some emotional rollercoaster? You don't have any more nasty surprises up your sleeve, do you?
Sherman: Well...
Brownie: What?
Sherman: It's just that... Sir Christopher Lee died recently, too, and he was actually quite strongly involved with the Discworld stories.
Brownie: Oh no... Here it comes! Let me hear the bad news, Sherm. I can take it! In fact, I'll take it out - on you!
Sherman: You see, Christopher Lee provided the voice acting for the character of the Grim Reaper, the anthropomorphic avatar of Death itself, in many of the dramatizations of the Discworld novels.
Brownie: Are you kidding me?!
Sherman: No, Brownie. Furthermore, as you probably know, Christopher Lee is most famous for his portrayals of Dracula, Frankenstein's monster, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Saruman, the Sith Count Dooku, and numerous other roles in fantasy and horror movies. He's also recorded several heavy metal albums, including some about his ancestor, Charlemagne, and in his youth, he was a highly trained soldier in the British Royal Air Forces, and fought in World War II.
Brownie: So what you're saying is: the one person with the most experience in finding a way to return from beyond the grave, also happens to be extremely intimidating and potentially lethal - and we're about to poke fun at him.
Sherman: That's a fairly accurate summary, Brownie.
Brownie: Well, if this can get any worse, I can't imagine how... and frankly, I don't think I'd wanna know. Tucker! Hurry up and play the audio, before Sherm says: "At least it's not raining", or something.
[SFX: dramatic background intro music starts playing again, Sherman's voice gets all echo-ey with plenty of reverb]
A STUDY IN OCTARINE!
Starring:
Brown Monkey, as Corporal Nobby Nobbs!
Sherman the Polar Bear, as Constable Dorfl!
Tucker Schwab, as His Grace, the Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Mister Vimes!
Jelly Beans, as Young Sam!
Stanislaw (AKA Sherlock from Curly Fu & Peanut), as Patrician Havelock Vetinari!
Watson (from Curly Fu & Peanut), as Igor!
Anna Thesia, as Captain Angua von Überwald!
Gustav, as Otto Chriek!
(Continued cast of characters, credits to anyone who provided music and SFX, etc.)
[End scene]