WARNING: THIS STORY IS NOT FOR THE FAINT HEARTED, MAY CONTAIN GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, OOC, AND/OR ERROR IN CHARACTER DESCRIPTION. THIS STORY CAN TRIGGER IF IN THE PAST YOU'VE DEALT WITH ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: EATING DISORDERS, CUTTING, ABUSE, SUICIDE. NOT JOKING. THIS ISN'T THE RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE I USUALLY WRITE. BUT ENJOY, FIX YOU, BY me ^-^
Kim Crawford was not the same girl she was when she had joined Bobby Wasabi. That was for sure. Those times had been the happiest times she can remember. She'd like to say that everything stayed the same. She'd like to say her and the guys had stayed that way, getting into trouble and all kinds of crazy adventures. She'd like to say nothing had changed since those good old days. She'd like to say she was happy. But she'd be lying.
You see, it wasn't always this way. Her family... they were small. Her and her dad. That was the way it'd been as far back as she could remember. Her mom had run out on them, a secret not most people knew. After all, it wasn't the kind of thing she liked to advertise. And her dad wasn't like your typical Seaford dad. Growing up in the South, what do you expect from a man whose wife ran out on him, leaving him a baby daughter he doesn't even know how to take care of? Kim knew. Alcohol. Her dad was an alcoholic. Again, it wasn't exactly the thing she liked to go around telling everyone. It was a secret and she wanted to keep it that way.
And it wasn't always this way with her and the guys. They had gotten into a multitude of shenanigans together, and they spent a lot of time together as well. They'd go to the movies, train, and anything in between. Sometimes they'd just walk around town, joking around and just having fun, being 14. They were being kids and she couldn't have asked for anything more.
Her and Jack... well, they had a... special relationship. They weren't dating, but sometimes, it honestly felt like they were, or should've been. Jack grew to be protective over Kim, what with her being the only girl in the group, and him being... well, Jack. He'd always been there for her whenever she needed a shoulder to lean on or someone to listen to her. She knew he cared a lot about her. She cared a lot about him too. She just didn't know in which way. It didn't help that she could never find the right words to say to him though. And so she kept her mouth shut and settled for being his friend, falling in love with him in the process.
This is where this story really begins. She had entered high school alongside her friends. She had always been particularly smart, so she was put into all of the advanced classes while the rest of the gang was in concept classes for the most part. Her grades were pretty good, she never got into a lot of trouble, all of the teachers liked her, and she had her group of friends. She was captain of the JV cheerleading, she was involved in many extracurricular activities, all of which she excelled at. What could possibly ruin her freshman year?
Her dad did.
Her dad came home drunk one night. Very drunk. Dangerously drunk. She had heard his old pick up truck pull up around 11 or so. She had been working extra hard on a project as the door slammed as his footsteps pounded against the wooden floorboards. She sat in her room, trying to concentrate on her schoolwork. It was nearly impossible with the sound of her dad's drunken slurred rant and the smashing of what she assumed was glass or something fragile and breakable. She continued to work silently though, trying her best to ignore the commotion downstairs. Soon enough, she heard his footsteps on the creaky old stairs that led to her room. She just hoped her dad would pass her room and walk straight to his. She hated when he came in after another night at the bar. She could smell the alcohol on his breath. But, knowing her dad, he'd just come upstairs and probably go to bed. And she couldn't have been any more wrong.
The door swung open to reveal Mr. Crawford, in a drunken rampage. His hair was unkempt, looking greasy and knotted and tangled. His eyes were completely blood-shoot, red veins in his eyes, visible from where Kim was sitting. His clothes were worn and dirty and torn and ragged and the stench of beer filled her nostrils immediately.
"Dad, just go to sleep." She said calmly, gluing one of the final pieces onto her poster board. She leaned back to admire her handiwork only to be disrupted seconds later by a large, calloused hand grabbing her arm and yanking her off the chair, onto the ground.
"Don't you dare talk to me like that, you ungrateful little bitch! What have you ever done for me? I provide you with food and a house and clothes and you think you can just talk to me like that? This is all your fault! I never wanted a kid! Your mother, she never wanted a kid! But we go and have one and she dumps it on me and leaves!" He yelled. His other hand came down and slapped Kim clear across her face. HARD. The resonating sound of the skin-on-skin contact vibrated around the room and off the walls, closing in on her. She felt it ring in her ears. Her cheek stung where his hand had hit. She knew her eyes were wide with fear and shock and she retreated back as fast as she could, slamming her back against the wall. He just grumbled and left the room, slamming the door shut on his way out. Kim sat in shock on the floor, the tears mercilessly spilling over and streaking her face. She lifted a trembling hand to touch her face as she sat in shock and cried.
That was the first time out of many that her father hit her.
She didn't tell anybody about it, even as it continued. She didn't dare. She knew she couldn't. Not even Jack, whom she trusted with everything. She knew Jack cared about her safety. He was like the big brother she never had. And she knew he'd do something about it. Tell Rudy, the police, he'd try to get her away from her dad. And of course, you don't just get a warning for child abuse. With the evidence on her body for all to see, her dad would surely pay some price. She couldn't do that to her dad, despite what had happened. So she kept her mouth shut. She covered up the evidence with make-up and a smile and pretended to be happy with an air of happiness in her voice. Nobody saw through the disguise.
All throughout the year, this continued. He would drink so much, come home, and in his drunken blindness, he'd beat her, abuse her. Sometimes it was a slap, sometimes it was a kick, sometimes it was a punch. Sometimes it'd be all three. It all depended on what he drank and how mad he was. It wasn't every night either, but it was enough that the bruises weren't completely gone before he'd beat her again. And every morning after he would do something, he'd act as though nothing happened. And that disgusted her, sickened her to no end. How can you do something like that and then pretend it never even occurred? But she wouldn't tell a soul. And as it continued, it wasn't for her dad anymore. It was out of fear. Fear of what he'd do to her if she told.
Throughout the year, her grades suffered. They dropped from the average A's and B's to C's and D's. She gave up cheerleading and all the activities she did once they finished. And she didn't pick up any new ones. After the winter season, she gave up on anything. Except karate. She still went to Bobby Wasabi's. That was the only thing she really did. This angered him even more, that she dropped everything, and continued with that. She didn't understand why, but it did. And, she noticed, his words got harsher and his blows got harder.
It was getting difficult to cover up. You can only hide so much with make-up. And she was no master at it. Sure, she was a girl, but it took her ten minutes to make it look decent enough to not be questioned.
And so went her freshman year, filled with emotional and physical pain. The more this happened, the more miserable she got. The more effort it took to smile and laugh and the whole happy act was just pointless to her. Sometimes she'd slip a bit more than she should and Jack would notice. He'd ask her if she was alright. She'd say she was fine. And he bought it everytime.
[AN- You might ask why, if she took karate, she didn't fight back. Well, if this thought crossed your mind at this point, it's because she's 14. A 14 year old girl, even black belt trained, against a "rough and tough cowboy" that's her father? Not gonna happen. ]
Finally came summertime. No school, her dad was out more often, you'd think it'd be better for her. In actuality, summer was even harder for her. The boys families had decided to all go on vacation around the same time of the year, leaving her alone in Seaford with her dad. She would escape from the house and ride her bike down to the river near the backfields of Seaford. Yes, they lived near a beach, but there were still fields, as abandoned as they were. She'd spend all hours from when the sun came up to when it went down, just sitting on the large rocks that jutted out of the hill, listening to the crashing of the rapids and watching the water and it's gentle flow, the beautiful blue hue that shone in the sunlight.
But every night was the same. When the sky turned darker, she'd return to the house she lived in. Not home. That place wasn't home anymore. She'd return to the monster and all of his anger that he unleashed on her. She'd return to the place where she was hurt and beaten and battered and bruised and knocked-down. She'd be forced to return to reality. She'd be forced to return to life.
That summer was a turning point. And it wasn't a good one. It was when her life definitely spiraled downwards. There was just no bright side anymore. She always hurt. And to make matters worse, guess who went to China that summer. The whole summer. That's right, Jack. The only thing keeping her sane was halfway around the world. And without him there for her to talk to, or just to comfort her, there was nothing to keep her going. Nothing to make her feel worth something.
Which is why, shortly after they all returned to school in the fall for their sophomore year, Kim developed bulimia. She just felt like she had become a disappointment. A worthless waste of space. She felt like she was nothing. Her dad had told her she was fat and ugly. And when she looked in the mirror, that was all she saw. And this made her hate herself. She grew skinnier and skinnier. She was mostly skin and bones. Her eyes were hollow with bags underneath. Her face lost it's beauty and glow, replaced with morbid looks and almost frighteningly pale skin. She rarely ate, and when she did, she couldn't keep it down. It made her feel better about herself. Not necessarily good. No, the feeling wasn't not good at all. But it was better. And as crazy as it seems, after the first time she tried it, she was addicted. It made her feel like less of a disappointment. It made her feel prettier, skinnier. But at the end of the day, the feeling of not being good enough would always creep back.
And Jack was the only one to notice the change in Alice. He'd continuously ask her if she was okay. She'd always say she was fine. However, this time, he'd be more persistent than before. He wouldn't let it go as easily, still unconvinced. And yet, he always ended up dropping the subject. For Kim's sake.
Her dad continued to hurt her. With his words, which were as sharp as knives, and his beatings, which were just as painful. She thought of the river and the riverbank as her sweet escape where she could go and slip away from all the problems she had. She felt like it was her new home.
Then the new summer crept up slowly. She knew that with each and every day that passed by, her act became less and less believable. She started spending less and less time with the gang and more and more time in isolation near the river. One day, halfway through the summer, Jack found her there. They stayed there all day. She talked to him more then, down near the river then she had than in their whole sophomore year. And she felt like she might actually be happy again, that maybe she could go back to the old Kim Crawford that everyone knew.
That dream was destroyed that night when her dad came home. It was the worst yet. He kicked and punched and slapped. When she tried to run away, he grabbed her hair and threw her on the ground. He finished uleashing his fury and stumbled out of the room before making his way to his bedroom. She sat on the floor, more broken than ever. She hurt all over. She eventually got up and made her way downstairs. She found the first aid kit and did the most that she could with ice and bandages and such things. She still felt horrible though, inside and out. She had officially been beaten to the point where it hurt to breathe.
When she looked in the mirror, she couldn't believe what she saw. Her honey blonde hair was tangled and knotted into a matted nest on top of her head. Her face was red where he had hit, the rest a sickly pale color. Her bloodshot eyes seemed sunken into her face. The tears that fell left marks, trailing down her face. She hated it. She looked so helpless and so unhealthy and so not her. She dug through the drawer containing miscellaneous objects until she found exactly what she was looking for.
It was a cold, hard, steel blade. In her hands, she held her dad's pocket-knife. The blade reflected the dim light of the lamp from the living room. She strecthed out her left arm in front of her. She took a deep breath and steeled herself as she lowered the blade against her skin. She pressed down slowly as she dragged it across her pale skin. She watched as the red liquid spilled out onto her skin. That was the first time, out of many, that Kimberly Crawford would cut herself.
And after that night, she was done. Physically, emotionally spent. The next day, before practice started, she went to Bobby Wasabi's. And she quit. Rudy demanded a reason why. Kim told him she just couldn't do it anymore. And never, had she ever wanted to tell the truth so badly then that moment, right then and there. She just wanted to tell him, let the truth come out so she could stop hurting and pretending and breaking. But instead, she bit her lip and turned and walked out of the dojo, never once looking back.
The remainder of that summer was spent in hiding. She avoided the guys, especially Jack at any costs. He was getting very curious as to what was happening with Kim and the last thing she needed was for him to find out everything that had happened over the past 2 years. She didn't even try to pretend everything was fine. It was too hard. She covered up the bruises and hid the scars as best she could, and she went on, walking around as the shell of a person she used to be. She still talked to him. She still considered him a friend. Same with Milton, Jerry, and Eddie. But she wasn't the same Kim. That was that.
It was a cold, windy, bitter February day. It was Saturday, February 20. It was their junior year. Kim was looking back on the past two years. She went from this happy girl, full of life, to a girl that could barely stand to eat anything and that found comfort in a cold steel blade. And she decided it was all too hard. She couldn't keep doing this- whatever this was. There was just too much pain. She found it quite ironic that even though there was pain, she was numb. She was empty, but she still felt. All of the physical pain, and all of the emotional emptiness. She was just numb.
She couldn't find a point. There was none. No point at all to her existence as far as she could see. Being a punching bag to the beast she called her father, it wasn't worth it anymore. And Jack was beginning to figure it all out. She hadn't completely covered up one of the bruises she had. It was on her face, near her eye. He was very suspicious of it. And summer was approaching. She couldn't hide the scars on her legs and wrists behind long sleeve shirts and jeans much longer. The truth was going to come out soon, whether she wanted it to or not.
She knew what she had to do. First though, she had to write a note. She owed them that much. It went like this:
To anyone who cares about me:
I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I'm not okay and I haven't been for the longest time. I know it's selfish to leave the few of you that care about me, but I just don't see a point in this. In life. In Me. So I'm going. For good. And I don't mean running away. I mean, I'm leaving this world. I think that maybe if more people had noticed, then maybe I could've gotten help. I could've been saved from this. But it's too late now. And Jack, don't feel guilty. You noticed. In fact, you're the only one. This is not your fault. And I love you Jack. I do. But I can't do this anymore. And to my father... you don't even have a right to feel any remorse or sorrow. You don't have a right to shed a single tear, not one. Because you did this to me. You pushed me to this. I hope you're happy. I'm sorry. Goodbye.
Love,
-Kimberly Anne Crawford
She left the note on the front door to the house. Her dad had gone out, yet again, and chances were someone else would find it before he did. She knew if he found it, he'd throw it away. She took one final look at the prison she used to call home and started walking towards the backfield of Seaford, for the final time.
She got there right around dusk. The sun had been hidden in the shadows the whole day. The gray clouds rolled above as raindrops started to fall from the sky. The sky was gray, it was raining, and it was cold. It was mockingly perfect for what she intended to do. She sat there for a good half-hour. She sat and watched as the rain gradually started to come down faster and faster, soon enough pelting her skin, leaving her soaked and drenched. It came down hard, each raindrop forming a ripple in the river. Her hair was plastered against her face. She knew it was time.
She got off the rocks and made her way towards the water. She lowered her hand to swirl it around. The water was ice cold, as was to be expected toward the end of February. Perfect. She lowered her lower body into the river. The roaring of the rapids sounded in her ears as she walked deeper and deeper into the river. It was up to her waist when she heard an old pick-up truck with a familiar sounding engine.
And who else did it belong to except Jack Anderson. She heard the engine cut and his footsteps pounding down the winding trail to the riverbank, echoing off the trees on the dirt path.
"Kim!" She heard him scream. She saw him at the top of the hill. His eyes were terrified and worried, and he looked frozen as he saw her in the river. "Don't do this." He pleaded, Kim barely able to hear him over the rapids.
"I love you Jack. Goodbye." She whispered. She knew he couldn't actually hear her, but the look on his face said he got the message loud and clear. And with that, she took one last gulp of air in her lungs before plunging into the freezing river and letting her body drift with the current.
Pain. That's what she felt. The icy water began to fill her lungs as she felt her body turn this way and that with the river. She tried to get her mind off of it by thinking of everything in her life that had happened.
Her mom leaving, moving to Seaford, meeting Jack on his first day, joining Bobby Wasabi's, the adventures they had together, her and Jack and the gang, and her dad... and then, her mind wandered back to Jack again. It wandered back to everything about him. She thought back to the first time they met, in the cafeteria. Jack had caught her apple when she had dropped it. She immediately thought he was cute. She remembered how he was supposed to be his enemy. And they ended up being friends. She remembered how they went to China, and one night, Jack had been laying outside with her, and they saw a shooting star. Her mind twisted and turned through every memory she's ever made with Jack. The cotillion ball, dancing at the party at the dojo, the whole Seaford Pearl debacle, when he tried to warn her about Ricky. Everything from the past 3 years came whirring back at her all in the span of a minute. And then she thought of those eyes. Those warm brown eyes, just like chocolate, or even amber. Waves of amber, seas of chocolate, and whenever she looked into them, she felt like she could drown in their depths. And she remembered his eyes, just then, begging, pleading her, full of concern, alarm, terror, shock... and sadness.
And just like that, Kim Crawford had a reason.
Her eyes snapped open as she screamed his name, the sound of it muffled and distorted by the water. She clawed desperately and tried to get footing anywhere she could, but it was too deep. She flailed as the water burned her eyes and filled her lungs. She couldn't die. She couldn't do this to herself. She had too much to live for. She had Jack. Despite what she thought, she was never really alone. Jack had been with her every step of the way these past two years. She was too blind to see it. She kept pushing him away. She was buried in so much pain and sadness, she couldn't see the one person who noticed and cared.
Who had seen her getting skinnier and paler and unhealthier? He had. Who had asked why she started wearing lond sleeved shirts? He had. Who had asked why she never put her hair up anymore? He had. Who made her feel alive and worthy and happy while she was goin through all this bullshit, even if it was just for one day? Jack Anderson had. As long as she had him, she had something to live for.
But there she was, drowning in an ice-cold river. 'So this is it. I came to die, and now I want to live. But I can't. This is the end of Kimberly Crawford.' She thought as the current threw her around like a rag doll.
She felt herself getting tired and dizzy and weak and her mind was becoming blank and she thought she'd be gone forever when she felt arms grabbing her waist. Suddenly, her head was above the water. She felt the rain pouring onto her face and her vision was blurred and stung from the water and she coughed out all the water that had filled her lungs. Her vision became normal again as she panted and gasped, desperately to breathe in air again, as thin and useless the frigid winter air was.
And who would have rescued her but Jack. He had an arm wrapped around her frail, thin body and was trying to swim to shore with the other one. His efforts were clearly paying off as they got closer and closer. She just kept trying to breathe, happy to be out of the water. They finally staggered onto shore before they collapsed, exhausted and tired, onto the ground.
"Don't you ever do that to me again Kimberly Crawford. Ever." He panted as he lay on his back, trying to fill his lungs with the unforgiving winter air. She looked out at the river. It all seemed so surreal. She was just caught in it's evil, icy clutches and would've died if it weren't for Jack.
She'd be dead right now if it weren't for him. She would be dead. The significance and totality of it registered with her as she sat on the ground. Sobs racked her body as she flung her arms around Jack's neck and cried into his shoulder. She cried from all the pain, the sorrow, the regret, the love, happiness, and every feeling that popped up. Each sob she heaved all seemed to be for something different.
"I'm so sorry! I don't want to die! I thought I did, but I don't! It was just so stupid and I'd be dead if it weren't for you! You just saved my life! I'm so sorry! I'm sorry! I can't leave you! I'd be dead without you Jack! Dead! I don't deserve you! I'm just so sorry" She cried through the sobs and the tears as thunder deafeningly roared across the dark night sky. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, stroking her hair and whispering to her.
"Sssshhhhh. It's okay Kim. It's okay. You're gonna be okay. I love you." He whsipered. Her cries slowly ceased as what he said settled in her mind. She pulled back and looked at him. She was shocked.
"But why? How can you love someone as broken as me! I'm a mess! I'm worthless! I'm a disappointment! You can do so much better than me! And you deserve better than me!" She yelled. And she honestly felt that way. Jack looked at her with a pained expression.
"No Kim! You're not! You're beautiful and you can't even see it! You're just lost and confused. I don't know what you've been through in the past few years, and I don't know what you've done, but nothing in this world can ever change my mind about you! And I know something is up with you and your dad. You just need someone to help fix you Kim. And I can do that. I will try to fix you Kimmy, but you have to let me." He said, grabbing her shoulders and looking into her eyes. Her brown eyes met his and she let out a light cry as she nodded and she wrapped his arms around his neck. Jack just held her tight and let her cry, soothing her, comforting her.
It was that February day when Kim Crawford realized she has too much to live for. She has her friends, she has Jack, she has people that care. Even if she doesn't have her family, she'll have someone. Kim Crawford realized that she could be fixed. Kim Crawford realized she could be saved. She realized Jack Anderson, the boy she loved and who loved her, would always be there to save her. And he would be the one to fix her.
And I will try to fix you
AN- SO, I know it might not make sense to you. It's not the teddy-bears and unicorns fluff I usually write. You see, I tweaked this a bit to fit Kim and Jack. I originally posted it in Super 8, for Joe and Alice. And it got nominated for an award, so I figured, "Hey, why not make it Kim and Jack and give them a treat?" So, here it is. Um, tell me what you think, I know, OOC. But I just wanted y'all to get a taste of something new under Kickin' It. I know Kim's not suicidal, and I'll probably get some haters on this, but HATERS BE HATIN. Oh, and it'd be super awesome and cool if you went and voted for me for that award. Oh, the next chapter of PAFB 101 will be up before Tuesday. Because Tuesday's the day I leave for Europe for 19 days and I can't update during then. I can write, but I can't update. So, review. Y'ALL WANT AN EPILOGUE? REVIEW! Even if it's hate. Yep, BYE:)
Disclaimer: I'm 15. Of course I don't own Kickin' It. But I own this story, don't even try to steal it. I'll hunt you down with mah shovel.