"Sixty years is along time to deny yourself the touch of another; but you do it, because you can't bear the thought of seeing yourself as a monster in their eyes." Episode 1: Interview With a Vampire.
Click, click, click. As usual when I can't think, the silver pocket lighter is in my hand and it catches a glint of moonlight from the window across from the stairs where I'm sitting. I like looking out that window. Seeing the stars and the night sky hasn't ceased to pacify me in eighty years.
Click, click, click. It doesn't matter that I tried to keep Beth away par usual I ended up looking like a monster in her eyes anyways. When I think of her eyes all I can see is that stare she gave me at the funeral. All the while she looked empty bereft of anger or sadness, just empty. I've attended a lot of funerals in my time. Being a vampire you live on to see your friends and family die. I've never been to one so melancholy.
Click, click, click. Everyone muttered words of encouragement to Beth who nodded without even trying to smile. If she noticed me at all before everyone left she didn't say anything. When I tried to talk to her she turned away without even looking at me.
"Beth, please we need to talk." I grabbed her arm as she tried to walk away. She turned back to look at me and I let go. For what felt like the longest time I stopped breathing.
It didn't matter. She'd seen me feed, she'd let me feed on her, none of it mattered, I was more a monster to her than to people I'd killed.
With her stare I could only stagger backward. I have never seen hate in someone's eyes like that.
I dropped the lighter suddenly. I tended to forget how hot metal could get when you just left it in your hand with a flame long enough. Even the hot burning in my hand wasn't enough to cancel out the stinging hurt of Beth's words. "There's nothing left to say Mick." That hurt.
What else could I say? I'd tried to be a shadow out of the edge of her eyes, a friend, that one guy she'd kissed, a vampire she knew; but Josef called it. Now I was just a monster.
Drama builds inside of people and comes out as emotion. Even if there isn't much of a reason to feel the stress or worry from something dramatic, it still puts you on edge. I knew Josh's death wasn't my fault. I tried my best to save him and I didn't regret what I didn't do. I knew I'd said everything and explained as best I could to Beth. Somehow however I still felt guilty.
Beth had made it clear she never wanted to see me again. Maybe that was best. She could forget me, forget Josh, and go back to being normal. However I wasn't ready to throw in the towel. I resigned myself to seeing Beth one last time. If she told me she never wanted to see me again, I'd stay out of her life. CLICK.
I walked to Beth's apartment. The night air felt good on my skin. Something about a vampire out at night, maybe it's just Hollywood hype; but you feel invincible. The moon does to us whatever the sun does to a human.
I can't remember a longer walk in which I though about less. I tried to think about what I was going to say; but it was like trying to think as you lie in bed half-asleep. I decided to say whatever came out. I was fairly certain nothing I said would matter anyway. Part of me was terrified that she would say she never wanted to see me again. The other part of me had resigned myself to it. Whatever she decided, as much as it would hurt, I was ready to do it if it made her happy.
It was when I turned the corner to her block. I caught this smell, this perfect smell like wild licorice and willow. It hit me like a physical blow and I doubled over a little bit. I knew that smell better than food or blood. It brought back memories of moonlit evenings, sweet smiles, guilt that hurt, and anger that scared me.
I took it all in in a few seconds. It felt like it was all around me; but I managed to follow the smell, the scent I should say. It went right into Beth's apartment building. I looked inside; but didn't see anything. There was a man standing outside, smoking a cigarette.
"Hey, have you seen a woman go in there?" I asked.
"I see a lot of things," the guy shrugged. I know now it was an over reaction; but then it just pissed me off. I walked up to him quicker than I should have and wrapped his shirt in my fist.
"I asked you a question." Vampirism aside I was already bigger and stronger than he was and he was taken by surprise at how quickly I moved.
"Yes, yes. I saw that guy and his wife from the third floor; and a tall lady with blonde hair," the man said quickly.
"What'd she look like?" I pressed snappily.
"Man I don't know! Hot? Long hair, pulled back into a bun or something. I swear I wasn't paying attention!"
I let him go and he flicked out the cigarette and went inside closing the door firmly behind him. I pulled out my phone and crushed the cigarette under my heel. My fingers shook as I tried to pull up Josef's number. The scent seemed to press itself in all around me. I forced myself to look up and take a deep breath. I only managed to make it last half as long as I wanted to. I took a second; but I pulled the cell phone number out of memory and started pushing the numbers.
It's a defect of the technological age that by the time we figure out how to store phone numbers in our phones, we know too many people and don't have enough brain power to just memorize them. It took a while for Josef to pick up, he was never far from his phone and I was beginning to doubt the number when he picked up.
"Mick I know as best friend I should be available for emotional counseling at all hours; but I'm a little busy right now so maybe…"
"Drop it Josef," I snapped.
"Whoa Mick you alright?" Josef must have been able to hear the panic in my voice.
"Josef what do you do when you know you're experiencing something that can't be real?"
"I wake up." Josef's sobriety was relieving even if he couldn't stop cracking jokes. "Mick what's wrong?"
"I'm over at Beth's apartment." You can tell you've known someone too long when you know their rolling their eyes across a phone line.
"Mick that's not a dream, that's a nightmare. Just give her a few days to cool off…"
"No Josef I just picked up a scent. It's… hers." I didn't even want to say her name.
"Beth's apartment smells like Beth?" the sarcasm was loose because he knew I didn't mean her.
"Josef it's, I think its Audrey's." The line went silent. "Josef...?"
"Mick are you sure?" he didn't sound half as concerned as I wanted him to.
"Of course I'm sure!" I snapped.
"Whoa don't bite my head off. Look come back later if you don't want to talk to her."
"Josef what are the odds she go to Beth's apartment building of all the apartments in Los Angeles?"
"What's your point?"
"Josef what if she tries to hurt Beth?" Josef's response was instant.
"Mick she wouldn't do that," he said, sounding almost accusatory.
"Josef she left angry."
"No Mick she left hurt," he said sounding a little defensive. I started walking around the back of the apartment building looking for the fire escape.
"Josef listen…"
"No you listen. Sure she was angry; she had every right to be. She'd never hurt someone just because you kissed them. Well not unless she thought there was a chance she'd lose anyway."
"Josef, get down here now," I said as I spotted the fire escape.
"Mick she wouldn't…"
"Get down here Josef!" I said louder and hung up. The fire escape creaked unsurely as I landed on it. If it was going to fall I was off the first landing before it decided I was too heavy. I couldn't run up the stairs fast enough. On the third landing, with some supernatural aid, I heard screaming.
I moved even quicker if that was possible, not caring who was watching. I was fully prepared to break down the balcony door; but thankfully that wasn't necessary. I rushed into the apartment, through the bedroom and into the living room.
Beth looked up at me, startled from where she was curled up on the couch. She looked fine, other than the telltale signs that she'd been crying.
"Mick what are you doing here?" she asked me quickly rising. "Actually I don't care. You need to leave."
"What was that Beth?" came a rich voice from the kitchen. I turned to the doorway to the kitchen and there she was, kettle in hand.
She'd grown her hair out. It was pulled back; but still clearly long. Her hair was the same shade and every feature was the same as the last time I'd seen her. My jaw went slack as I saw her and for a few seconds her face went devastatingly blank; but it was only a few seconds.
Beth didn't even seem to notice. "Audrey this is…"
"Mick St. John," she filled with a gentle smile.
"How does everyone know you?" Beth asked me, rolling her eyes and walking back to the couch. Audrey set the kettle down in the kitchen.
The only way I can defend myself from my worries for Beth are to say that as soon as I saw Audrey I couldn't believe I'd thought them. She walked over and her scent seemed to enfold me. Her scent was perfectly intoxicating to me, and I couldn't help it. I was a little slow on the uptake, my mind still trying to process that she was back. I extended my hand. She smiled and wrapped me in a loose hug, the kind you give to a friend you haven't seen in a while.
As she pulled apart I knew I should say something; but I didn't know what on earth I could say after twenty years. Thankfully Audrey was a sharp thinker. "It's been a while Mick," she said with that pleasant smile.
That was to say the least. "It has," I agreed weakly.
"Tea?" she asked.
It turned out that weird scream I thought I heard was the kettle. Audrey moved through the kitchen without hesitation. She pulled out some tea bags and mugs. Beth was silent as she sat there. I just stood at the edge of the room. My problems with Beth were forgotten I just wanted to figure out how Audrey knew her.
So I asked Beth, "how do you know Audrey?"
"We met at a ski lodge after I broke my ankle and she helped me get down the mountain."
"What's she doing here?"
Beth's reply was sharp, "I do have friends Mick." I was stung a bit, then I remembered Beth was still mad about Josh. I decided to figure that out later.
"Beth, I should probably go."
"Yeah you probably should," she agreed. It took everything in me not to try and talk it out right there. I passed through the entry way just as a knock came at the door, Josef.
I opened the door and he looked unperturbed. "Remind me not to give you my cell any more." I was about to leave and take him with me when Audrey poked her head through the kitchen doorway.
"Josef!" she called, excitement and happiness far more genuine that what she had the courtesy to show me. Josef's smile rivaled her own, one of those rare smiles without sarcasm.
"Jo!" she cried running down the hallway. I barely got out of her way in time.
"Hey Audrey!" he called right back. Audrey ran into Josef's open arms smiling like a lunatic. Josef grabbed her and spun her around once. Audrey's hands lingered at Josef's face, palms on his cheeks, and I could remember her touch on my own. Somehow this genuine joy was almost embarrassing.
"Jo I've missed you. Oh you look great!" She stepped back and posed. "Now do me."
Josef laughed, "you look fabulous, as always."
"Jo, look at you!" she said excitedly, "haven't changed a day!"
Beth appeared next to me. "What's Josef doing here?" she asked me reluctantly.
"Well um…" thankfully Josef filled the silence.
"Well there are some perks to being a vampire."
"Audrey knows?" Beth asked looking a little confused.
"Beth knows?" Audrey asked Josef.
Josef nodded, "you know Mick bad," he stretched the word, "secret keeper. Me, I never told anybody he's still afraid of the dark…oops." Audrey laughed and took the opportunity to give Josef another hug, he smiled and returned it. I never met a woman Josef adored more than her.
"How does Audrey know?" Beth asked me.
I cleared my throat, "maybe Audrey should field this one." Audrey looked over without meeting my eyes. She walked over to Beth, Josef's arm reluctantly leaving her shoulder, and took Beth's hands in hers, making careful eye contact.
"Audrey is," she said gently. I expected a little more reaction than Beth gave. Beth seemed subdued as she took in the news. She looked almost irritated.
"Figures," she said softly and walked away, leaving us in worried silence.
I stepped to go talk to her; but Audrey turned and looked at me, "don't. I should talk to her." She turned to Josef putting on a weaker smile. "Give me your number," she said pulling out her phone.
Josef gave it and she got it down quickly. "I'll see you soon." She wrapped him in a last hug and he left. She turned to me and I wondered how on earth she was going to part from this awkward moment gracefully. Audrey, never disappointing, put a hand on my shoulder.
"I hope you're happy Mick," there was none of the expected malice in the words.
"You too," I croaked out, before I nodded and left.