This isn't my first story. I have another account, where I write various fanfiction, mostly for the Hetalia realm. I want to escape from the shadow that is my other account, so I have made this account, and this will be my pet story. It was inspired by the Maximum Ride fanfic 'Diary of a Lovesick Mutant' by the fabulous Phoenix Fanatic.

I dont know what it's about, per say.

I know that it will be the diary equivalent of a crack-fic with a plotline.

I'll say it only one time: Reviews are loved, and I love replying to them.

Disclaimer: I dont own Hetalia.

Thanks for clicking on this story.

~Ursula

August 27, 2011

Dear Diary,

It is with shame that I begin writing in you today. But my life is rife with shame, and I know who to blame...

Oh my god, was that an accidental rhyme? I just might make a poet of myself yet. I write in you with shame because I am a man, and I am shamefully handing in my man card today. Men don't write in diaries. Diaries are for giggling girls in love, not me. Speaking of me, I believe that an introduction is in order.

Diary, my name is Matthew Williams. No, I am not dating Lady Gaga. I am a proud Canadian (make jokes about it, and you will find yourself being chucked into the fireplace Diary), a nice person, and the world's most invisible country to date.

Yes, you heard (read? or since I write in you, thought? Gah, so confusing) that right Diary. I am a country. The best country in the world actually.

I am the proud country of Canada (ask where that is, and you will be introduced to Mr. Fireplace), home of the Beavers, Geese, Bacon, Pancakes, Syrup, Hockey, and pretty much anything decent this world has to offer.

I'm pretty much the epitome of awesome. I just wish everybody else could see that... or see me. You see Diary, I have a lot of problems.

A LOT of problems. Care for me to list them for you? Well, you'll have to listen to me anyway, as you have no choice in the matter...

I'm sorry for that Diary, that was a bit uncalled for wasnt it? I promise i'll try not to do it again. As an apology gift, here's an emoticon:

:D

So, back to my problems.

Problem #1:

My.

Stupid.

Idiotic.

Whorish.

Douchebag.

Sorry.

Excuse.

For.

A.

Twin.

Brother.

Yep, Alfred nobody-knows-what-the-'F'-stands-for Jones, the United States of America, in all of his 'BAMFness' and glory. Home of obesity, pigheadedness, and some of the best college education in the world, which doesnt make sense, because he has a suckish public schooling system. Also home to McDonalds (source of obesity), Hollywood, and douchebags.

I hate to love him. I mean, I have to love him, he IS my brother after all. Despite all of the terrible things we've done to each other, I still love him, in a twisted way.

No Diary, I dont like him THAT way. You're such a perv, I swear...

So, my douchebag of a brother is a problem within himself (God Diary! Why are you such a perv!), and also the heart of some of my other problems. Why? Because he's a douchebag Diary, that's why.

And dont even try and lecture me about having a better reason, because If you met him, you would SO hate him at first sight, so give me credit for not killing him yet. Even if I've tried already.

On to Problem #2!

Problem #2: Alfred's many lovers (AKA, the reason he's a whore.)

Have I ever mentioned how many failed relationships my brother has been in? (I take it I havent, because this is my first diary entry) I mean, is 'relationships' even the word for it? Sometimes its just sex! Like all the hate-sex he had with Russia during the Cold War!

Why is this a problem for me?

I look a lot like Alfred. Like, to the point of mixing us up. Granted, there are a few differences, but they're very discreet differences...

So his lovers often flirt with me. And I have to shoot them down. Then they, thinking that I'm Alfred, get mad at him, and he, in turn, gets mad at me.

This all leads back to Problem #3!

Problem #3: I am the most invisible person ever.

Ask people to find Canada on a map and half of them wont even know where I AM. I mean, I'm the second largest land mass on earth, that's gotta count for something, right! I should totally become more visible.

Problem #4: I am hopelessly in love with Gilbert Bielschmidt.

Okay, I know this is sorta cliche Diary, I mean, is this all you diaries listen to? People moaning about unrequited love and such?

That's gotta suck Diary.

But you cant do anything about it~!

What exactly do I love about Gil anyway?

Everything.

I love how he breaks into my house at three in the morning.

I love how, when he wants to wake me up, he does so with a glass of cold water to the face.

I love how he forces me to make pancakes at the most random times.

I love how he can never find my bacon stash.

I love our arguments over which drink is better, Beer or Whiskey.

I love his eyes, which looks like rubies.

I love his hair, which looks like snow.

I love how he hides a serious side of himself.

I love how he's more human then the rest of us.

I love how he remembers me.

In short, I love everything about him.

The problem is... he doesnt know that.

This is where you come in diary: I am giving myself exactly one year to confess my undying love to Gil, and to solve my problems. You will be my silent advisor and also my chronicle of failure. I apologize in advance for the mental scarring you will be put through...

I think I'll make a handy timetable to refer to... It's the end of August right now, so I'll start with September.

September: Plot ways to kill Alfred so that when I get together with Gilbert, he doesn't strangle him. Also, think about confessing love and read some of Japan's manga for advice.

October: Make pancakes and cut and wash Kumachacha's fur. Ask Gilbert over for 'help', then while he isnt suspecting it, soak him in water. Proceed to admire him in a wet T-shirt.

November: Hit self on head until coming up with a good idea for confessing love or killing Alfred. If all else fails, make pancakes.

December: Invite people to stay over for the holidays. Hope people come, and when they dont, invite Gil over for a pity party.

January: Get Gilbert drunk on New Years and hope he lets some of his secrets spill.

February: Send Gilbert a valentine anonymously.

March: Visit Netherlands and steal some weed and tulips from him.

April: Enlist Japan's ninja skills to break into Gilbert's house when he isnt home.

May: Ask France for advice.

June: Attempt suicide.

July: Make sure people remember my birthday and not just Al's. Ask Gil for a 'birthday kiss' and say it's Canadian tradition.

August: If all goes well, and I am not dead, I will confess my undying, everlasting, awesome love.

If this all goes according to plan, and I havent perished by the end of it, hopefully, by this date next year, Gilbert Bielschmidt, former country of Prussia and currently the eastern part of Germany (to his brother's dismay) will be MINE!

I hope he's ready to have his vital regions invaded.

Wish me luck Diary.

-Matthew Williams