Prologue
I'll admit it right now, I've always been attracted Edward Cullen. I mean what's there not to like? Six foot two, with a long, lean, and toned swimmer's body.
And his eyes, gah, his eyes, are something else— constantly changing colors. They're a dark hazel under an exam room light. A pale green at the early dawn of a new work day. But I think I like his eyes the best when he's laughing. At those times, they are verdant green.
Oh god, now it seems like I'm obsessed, but really I'm not. We've been working together at Harborview for over two years now and somehow I've become his mentor. I'm the attending pediatrics physician, his field of choice. And because of this, many days we work side by side. What once was me teaching and nurturing his talent, has now become a partnership of sorts, as he ends his third year.
And yes, some days we do have those moments where we catch each others eyes during a surgery or going over charts where something, I don't know, just sparks…but I have never ever let it get past that. I can't let it go past that. My whole life has been dedicated to becoming a pediatric surgeon. And with being a woman it has been twice as hard.
But there are times in the middle of the night where sleep will evade me and I know something is missing. Because deep down inside I know that if I ever let Edward Cullen in, I would never be able to let him go.
Monday, 9 PM
Just one more minute, I beg to myself as my legs continue to burn, slamming hard into the rubber mat that continues to spin round and round on the treadmill. The incessant beats of Prodigy thrum in my ears, with the repeating mantra of "smack my bitch up" pounding through my joints. I half snort, half moan at the fact that I'm listening to this crap that runs against every feminist bone in my body, but I can't give a shit at the moment as I push the speed up two notches, just to feel something else than the pain that is ravaging my heart. I'm now running so fast that I can barely feel my legs and don't even notice the shock of bronze storming into my peripheral view.
Monday, 5 PM
As I stand at the nurses station catching up on charts, an ambulance pulls into the bay and out rolls a tiny little thing, almost resembling a raggedy Ann doll. But that's just the problem, her body is contorted in ways that aren't natural and I can't help it when the bile rises quickly into my throat. I ignore this physical reaction and immediately get her wheeled into Trauma 1 where I attempt to intubate her even though I can immediately feel the resistance as fluid begins to build itself up in her lungs.
As she is being x-rayed I learn her name is Bree and that her son of a bitch father tried to drive her to pre-school this morning when he was completely drunk off his ass. His car slammed into a telephone poll and collapsed onto Bree's side of the car, effectively crushing her. I can't help the rage that courses through me at this news but am quickly brought out of it when Bree's blood pressure begins to drop and her breathing becomes erratic. As I take a look at the x-rays I curse out loud because her fucking lung is punctured and her internal bleeding is out of control.
I page Edward and tell him to meet me in OR #2 for emergency surgery. I've already finished prepping Bree and am cutting into her when Edward steps in, quickly walking over to me, with so much more confidence in his step than I had seen when he completed his first surgery with me two years before. With a quick nod, and hello "Dr. Swan," we get to work, trying to fix the damage that was done to this sweet girl's body. The spicy scent he gives off invades my senses, having a calming effect, I'm so familiar with repair the lung after three hours of hard labor but her blood pressure won't go up and we can't figure out why.
We open her up more and check out her heart and then Edward groans heavily and moves my hand to a heart that is just not right and then I feel it, a puncture a size of a quarter and then I look into his eyes and they are a color I've never seen before, somewhere between a dark green and sea foam and just for a second time seems to stop and we are both staring at each other in complete heartbreaking fear as we hold this little girl's heart, hands overlapping one another.
But then time speeds up again and Bree begins to flat line and no matter how many shocks I make the paddles go through, she doesn't open her eyes again. Edward finally has to pry them from my hands, and I slump on the floor taking sharp ragged breaths. I've never broken down like this. Not when old Mrs. Cope died on me during my first year of residency so long ago, nor when Chief Aro reamed me in front of the entire pediatric staff for not following protocol when I performed kidney surgery on a 12 year old girl who didn't have insurance to pay for it.
I'm making dry deep heaving groans and then I feel a hand slowly rubbing circles over my scrubs and I succumb to the tears that I've refused to let go.
Monday, 10:05 PM
The copper hair comes into sharper focus and all of the sudden the treadmill slows down and my legs are burning so hard that they automatically begin to jog at a normal speed and then eventually to a walk. I turn around, fucking pissed as to who is messing with my machine and I find Edward Cullen staring at me with a grim line across his mouth and eyebrows furrowed into a frown.
"What the fuck do you think your doing, Cullen? You could have made me pull something, asshole!" I screech, as I try to move his hand off the power button so I can continue to run my pain and Bree out of my mind and body.
"Damnit Bella, just get off the treadmill, you're going to hurt yourself pushing yourself like this"
"Just go home. I'm dealing with this, the only way I know how to," I shout.
With a quick tug, Edward pulls the emergency pin out of the machine and I come to a complete stop. I am struggling for breath from running myself so hard and also in anger for Edward interrupting my penance.
He's standing there just staring at me, like he's willing me to say something. To somehow make this situation better. To have all the answers, because I usually do. And suddenly I'm furious, seething mad, because I don't know what to fucking do or say.
I can't get Bree's long strawberry blond locks out of my head and Edward is still staring at me like I'm supposed to make this all better. And all I really want to do is just have him hold me and make it all go away.
But that is not an option, so I mutter a bitter, "fuck you" in his direction and stalk off to the communal locker room.
I've stripped down to my bra and underwear when I hear the door slam open, along with a pissed Edward.
"Where the hell do you get off saying that to me, Bella? What could I have possibly done to piss you off?"
"Jesus Edward, just leave me along, OK? I don't know how to make it better for you or me"
"I'm not asking for that!" He roars.
I've never heard him raise his voice like that and now he's only a foot away from me, towering over my much smaller and petite frame.
He quickly scans my chest, as sweat is still pooling in between my breasts and down my back. My boy shorts are soaked through, sticking to me like a second skin, and I have to shift my legs as his eyes become darker than they were just seconds ago.
"All I'm asking," he says slowly, fisting a chunk of his shaggy hair and finally looking into my eyes, "is to let me help…"
I stare at him, mouth gaping open like a goldfish but no sooner than a couple seconds go by, does Edward mutter "fuck it," grabs my face and roughly presses his lips to mine. Warm sweet saltiness envelops my mouth and then a rough and wet tongue parts my lips and Edward's body propels me into a row of lockers with a loud bang.
I suddenly realize that his bare chest is against mine, and all of this time he has been only wearing his basketball shorts. His chest is still damp and slides slickly against my already slippery skin.I grab at his hair roughly, taking out my frustration at him and the situation. He makes a guttural groan and pushes me even harder into the cold hard locker forcing me to wrap my legs around his trim and muscled waist.
I can feel his cock, rub thickly across my center and I can't help but wantonly moan as my head bangs loudly against the tin frame. Rough nips on my neck and suddenly a tongue in my ear bring me out of my reverie of having his cock pressed against my clit, and Edward is mumbling incoherent things. All I can make out of it is "Bella," "so good," and "fuck."
Suddenly his hands are at my bra and with a quick nod from me he tugs it off. A resounding "thwap" sounds as the sweat logged piece of clothing hits the opposite wall.
All is quiet as he stares at my heaving chest, nipples already hard from the biting air and Edward's gaze. He has a look of reverence on his face and then he whispers, "just look at you." Then he dives in, taking a nipple in his mouth and biting down hard.I yelp in a mixture of pain and ecstasy, and then he is grinding his cock over my pussy again which is now wet for a completely different reason and if he keeps going like this, I'm definitely going to come.
As his pace increases, he looks at me with those unfathomable eyes, and then leans into my ear and softly says, "I'm so sorry about Bree, honey."
And then time stops and I realize what the fuck I am doing. I'm dry humping my resident. Someone who has looked to me for advice and reliability for two years. And more importantly, someone who is too special for me to hurt. And then all of my anger returns and the image of Bree comes back into my mind and all of my walls come up in every kind of sense.
Edward immediately sees my change in demeanor from the stiffness of my body and slowly lets me slide down him, still keeping contact with my skin, only now we are both on our feet again, and he looks so sad, and I feel as though I'm going to implode from all of the emotions raging inside of me.
My face is icy and cold when I spit out, "Just get out of here, Edward."
And then I'm walking to the showers and tears are streaming down my eyes and I can't believe I just rejected Edward Cullen and let my stupid bullshit get in the way.I hear a door slam and I know Edward has left, rightfully pissed at my selfish actions.
I quickly peel off my shorts and turn on the water as hot as I can stand it in the shower stall. I can't tell if it's water or tears streaming down my face but all I know is that I'm too much of a chicken-shit and scared to have Edward in my strict, bullshit, ordered world.I'm shaking in anger and regret, and simultaneously pulsing in need from my earlier exploits with Edward. My head is resting against cool tiles as water pounds heavily onto my frame.
I can't help it as my finger finds its way to my clit and starts making tight, rapid circles around it. My legs are beginning to shake in my impending release until suddenly a hand locks around my wrist, pulling it away from my center and over my head. My other arm, which was supporting me against the wall, quickly joins my trapped wrist with the same mystery whole body is pressed against the cold tiles, and my nipples can't help but get aroused by the change in temperature.
A silky voice, hot in my ear, grounds out, "Don't you dare," And then the cock that was so deliciously pressed against me only minutes before is roughly pushed inside of me.
I scream out in a mixture of fright, pain, and pleasure as Edward's front presses heavily against my back.
He grabs my hair roughly, pulling my head back far enough that I can see his face. He pleads, "look at me" and his eyes are a endless pitch black.
"You belong with me Bella. Don't you dare try to push me away again."
And with that, he pulls out, until I can just feel the tip of him inside me and then smoothly enters me again to the hilt. I can barely breathe as he methodically enters and exits me, it feels so fucking good. I am writhing against the tile, basking in the pleasure that every inch of his thick and lengthy cock gives me. I'm so close to coming and I tell him so. With a harsh but invited slap to my ass, I begin to spasm and shake, moaning his name as it echoes back to me on the tiled walls.
As I come down, soft kisses are sprinkled on my neck and then Edward stops his assault and he finally release my hands. I push my hands out onto the wall and effectively slide back into him, earning a harsh "shit" to emit from his mouth.I then begin to slide back and forth on his cock on my own volition, as his arms form a cage around me as he watches me works myself up and down his length. His legs are shaking like he can't hold out anymore so I drop to my knees and try to fit him in my mouth.
Edward gasps in surprise as I lick from the underside of his shaft to the tip, letting the weight of his cock open my lips and slip inside my mouth. Gentle hands move my matted hair out of my face, and Edward smoothes it back behind my ears, looking at me like I'm the only thing keeping him anchored to this earth. With a scraping of my teeth and a gentle tug on his balls, he spills into my mouth; his head thrown back as his hips jut back and forth erratically.
He is so goddamn beautiful I can't stand it.
As he get his wits about him, he grabs me under the arms and pulls me up his slick body and kisses me on my forehead, then my eyelids, and finally tenderly on my lips.
He looks at me with such adoration when he says, "Bella, I love you and I know deep down inside you love me to, even if you don't know it yet. I will wait as long as it takes to realize this, but I hope you know I'm not leaving your side until you do."
His eyes are warm, light and green, openness and acceptance dancing within them.
I look deep within them and know that all of what he said is true.