[Not mine! ::washes hands off Furuba characters:: I just like to mess
around with them ^_^]
Learning With Time
There was once a time when I believed every word he uttered. It was a short time but a time of ignorant bliss, nonetheless. I learned the truth over the years and realized how he had lied to me. That's when all the pain came at once, fast and relentless.
I remember my last day of gullibility so well I can still smell the fresh rain on the grass. I went to him willingly, believe it or not, for the last time ever.
"Akito?" I called to him from inside the empty room in my childish voice. He was lying down on the porch, perched up by an elbow.
"Come," he said without turning around to face me. He very rarely faced me directly but I hadn't realized that until much later. I walked up closer to him and he held out his hand to me. I liked it when he did that because it made me feel like he wanted me there. I was welcome with him at all times. He never turned me away like the others.
I took his hand and sat down next to him. "Can I go play?" I asked, but his expression barely faltered. He sighed and looked as if he were going to say something for a moment. I wasn't ever sure exactly what he was thinking. At that point I was convinced that he was the only one who really loved me. I had no reason to doubt it since he was the only one that ever showed interest in me. My parents were never around. Not to mention Ayame who did me more than his fair share of emotional abuse. Kyou never missed a chance to be horrible to me, even as children. Everyone else just stayed far away. I thought they were afraid of me.
"You want to leave me?" He asked. At that point, I remember feeling guilty but now I realize that's what he wanted.
"You can come, too," I offered childishly. I really wanted him to. My immature credulity made me feel sorry for him. I knew how sick he was and he always looked so sad to me.
He chuckled and removed the elbow that his chin was perched on. Effortlessly, he let himself fall completely onto the ground. "Go," he said and let go of my hand.
I smiled at him, happy that I got permission to play. How I wish I could have just been there to slap myself out of the stupidity. I hugged him but he barely moved. He was always so cold and I worried about him often. That's how he played on my sensitivity.
"Arigato!" I called to him as I walked away. He looked as if he would just die the moment I left the room. I worried about that , too. What would happen to me if Akito died? Would I have to live with Ayame? Those were my concerns, but how wrong I was. I had it all wrong.
I met some children of my own age outside of the Sohma estate. We all decided on a game of tag. As we picked who would be "it", I thought of how nice it would be if Akito could play, too. I sighed but was snapped out of my daze as someone announced that the game was starting. These children were friends, too. I remember hoping that Akito wouldn't think that I liked them more than him. What an idiot I was.
As we played our game, I was having so much fun that I'd forgotten all about him. I felt guilty about that afterwards. It's hard to face the facts now. He had me wrapped around his finger. For a while, I even forgot about the Juunishi, which would be a fatal mistake. As I ran around with the other children, a girl tripped over a branch and fell on me. That is the single act that changed the rest of my life. Everyone gathered around me, and watched the little mouse crawl out from under my pile of clothes.
I wanted to run away and hide. So I did. I ran to Akito as fast as my little mouse feet would take me. I so wanted to believe in him then. You could even go as far as saying that I admired him. It just sounds sick now, doesn't it? But it's true. I admired him so much I even cut my hair like his. I thought maybe he would like me more that way. When I reached the main house, I saw that he was still in the same place where I left him. A quick worry crept into my mind that he was hurt, and how horrible was I for leaving him and so forth.
At almost the precise moment that I had reached him, Hatori stepped in through the other entrance. He looked down at Akito and then noticed that I was there, too.
"Yuki," he said. I didn't want to believe it then, but Hatori's voice gave it away. He knew what had happened and he knew what had to be done. A matter this grave travels quickly. Akito stood up, gracefully as ever, to face him. It is so hard to remember Hatori as anything but an adult, but then he was only an adolescent just beginning his journey into the real world. Akito of course, was much younger as well. With him it was almost unnoticeable. He had such an air about him that made him superior, even as a child.
"Uh.. gomen," I said and started crying. I'll never forgive myself for showing such weakness in front of Akito. He didn't yet know what had happened, but he realized that the situation was grim. He looked down scornfully at me, still in my pitiful mouse form.
"Yuki, go to your room and don't come out until I call for you," Akito ordered and I scurried inside without a second thought. As I was almost out of the room, I turned around quickly, and saw Hatori and Akito talking together. I was so afraid of his reaction. I knew he'd be angry, but my biggest concern was disappointing him. What a stupid child I was.
I transformed back to human form at some point on the way to my room. I slipped inside and put some clothes on. I sat down on the edge of my bed and just felt completely miserable about the whole thing. I wondered if Akito would be so angry that he wouldn't love me anymore. I knew no life without Akito. Who would I turn to? I'd have no friends since their memories would surely be erased. I would be all alone and I just wanted to turn back time and not go that morning. If I had just stayed with Akito like I knew I should have, none of this would have happened.
I was snapped out of my guilty haze by a knock on the door. "Akito- sama summons you," a servant said, and gestured for me to go. I sighed nervously, and walked to the room where Akito was waiting as if to an execution. The room frightened me. He often locked me in there, but I saw it as nothing more than a grounding. Although, I couldn't help but be overcome with fear when I stepped inside.
"Yuki, come closer," Akito said and held out a hand for me. I can't even begin to describe to you the joy I felt just then. He held out his hand and that meant all the world to me. I wish so much I would have been smarter then. I ran to him and took his hand, almost in tears at the thought that he would forgive me.
"Akito, gomen," I said and looked up at him, in all my sincerity. He walked away from me just then, and began pacing the room.
"Hatori is erasing their memories as we speak," he told me. He sounded so cold.
"Am I so strange that we have to hide it so much?" I asked meekly, the dim light from the windows falling on my face. He stood in the shadows. That's how I always remember him now; standing in the shadows and saying horrible things to me.
"A child turning into a mouse? Of course it's strange. No one will ever accept you like that." He said this in the most cruel manner, trying as hard as he could to hurt me.
At that point, I didn't care about anything except for my apology being accepted. I prayed with all my might that he would forgive me. I ran to him and grabbed his hand. "Akito, sumimasen!" I cried into his palm, desperate for some sort of redemption. That was the very last moment that I had ever loved him. To my complete shock, he slapped me.
Akito had punished me before but never so severely, as if every ounce of his heart wanted to cause me pain. It wasn't so much the sting on my cheek that hurt the most. He had turned away from me. I was completely, utterly alone and unloved at that moment. I lost everyone, even Akito. He set one more cold glare on me, and locked me inside the room for the rest of the day. I crouched in the corner and thought about how to lead the rest of my life without anyone else.
As time went by, Akito became more and more cruel to me. Eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer and I ran away. Not literally; everyone knew that I was going to live with Shigure. I ran away in the sense that I didn't want to face my fears and my pains.
Ultimately, I came to the realization that Akito had never really loved me. He had lied all too many times, and I will never be able to forgive him. I understand now that I had only been young and naive. I didn't see the real truth then, but now I do.
Sometimes though, I can't help but wonder how young and naive I am now, and the sorts of things I will come to realize in time. Contemplative thoughts pass my mind about the incident so many years ago. I know now that it wasn't my fault and that Akito is just purely evil. I don't blame myself anymore. But still... I still wonder sometimes. How would everything turn out if I hadn't grown smarter? Would I be happier just because I wouldn't know any better? I wonder why I haven't changed my hair yet. I wonder what new things I will come to realize. And it scares me.
Learning With Time
There was once a time when I believed every word he uttered. It was a short time but a time of ignorant bliss, nonetheless. I learned the truth over the years and realized how he had lied to me. That's when all the pain came at once, fast and relentless.
I remember my last day of gullibility so well I can still smell the fresh rain on the grass. I went to him willingly, believe it or not, for the last time ever.
"Akito?" I called to him from inside the empty room in my childish voice. He was lying down on the porch, perched up by an elbow.
"Come," he said without turning around to face me. He very rarely faced me directly but I hadn't realized that until much later. I walked up closer to him and he held out his hand to me. I liked it when he did that because it made me feel like he wanted me there. I was welcome with him at all times. He never turned me away like the others.
I took his hand and sat down next to him. "Can I go play?" I asked, but his expression barely faltered. He sighed and looked as if he were going to say something for a moment. I wasn't ever sure exactly what he was thinking. At that point I was convinced that he was the only one who really loved me. I had no reason to doubt it since he was the only one that ever showed interest in me. My parents were never around. Not to mention Ayame who did me more than his fair share of emotional abuse. Kyou never missed a chance to be horrible to me, even as children. Everyone else just stayed far away. I thought they were afraid of me.
"You want to leave me?" He asked. At that point, I remember feeling guilty but now I realize that's what he wanted.
"You can come, too," I offered childishly. I really wanted him to. My immature credulity made me feel sorry for him. I knew how sick he was and he always looked so sad to me.
He chuckled and removed the elbow that his chin was perched on. Effortlessly, he let himself fall completely onto the ground. "Go," he said and let go of my hand.
I smiled at him, happy that I got permission to play. How I wish I could have just been there to slap myself out of the stupidity. I hugged him but he barely moved. He was always so cold and I worried about him often. That's how he played on my sensitivity.
"Arigato!" I called to him as I walked away. He looked as if he would just die the moment I left the room. I worried about that , too. What would happen to me if Akito died? Would I have to live with Ayame? Those were my concerns, but how wrong I was. I had it all wrong.
I met some children of my own age outside of the Sohma estate. We all decided on a game of tag. As we picked who would be "it", I thought of how nice it would be if Akito could play, too. I sighed but was snapped out of my daze as someone announced that the game was starting. These children were friends, too. I remember hoping that Akito wouldn't think that I liked them more than him. What an idiot I was.
As we played our game, I was having so much fun that I'd forgotten all about him. I felt guilty about that afterwards. It's hard to face the facts now. He had me wrapped around his finger. For a while, I even forgot about the Juunishi, which would be a fatal mistake. As I ran around with the other children, a girl tripped over a branch and fell on me. That is the single act that changed the rest of my life. Everyone gathered around me, and watched the little mouse crawl out from under my pile of clothes.
I wanted to run away and hide. So I did. I ran to Akito as fast as my little mouse feet would take me. I so wanted to believe in him then. You could even go as far as saying that I admired him. It just sounds sick now, doesn't it? But it's true. I admired him so much I even cut my hair like his. I thought maybe he would like me more that way. When I reached the main house, I saw that he was still in the same place where I left him. A quick worry crept into my mind that he was hurt, and how horrible was I for leaving him and so forth.
At almost the precise moment that I had reached him, Hatori stepped in through the other entrance. He looked down at Akito and then noticed that I was there, too.
"Yuki," he said. I didn't want to believe it then, but Hatori's voice gave it away. He knew what had happened and he knew what had to be done. A matter this grave travels quickly. Akito stood up, gracefully as ever, to face him. It is so hard to remember Hatori as anything but an adult, but then he was only an adolescent just beginning his journey into the real world. Akito of course, was much younger as well. With him it was almost unnoticeable. He had such an air about him that made him superior, even as a child.
"Uh.. gomen," I said and started crying. I'll never forgive myself for showing such weakness in front of Akito. He didn't yet know what had happened, but he realized that the situation was grim. He looked down scornfully at me, still in my pitiful mouse form.
"Yuki, go to your room and don't come out until I call for you," Akito ordered and I scurried inside without a second thought. As I was almost out of the room, I turned around quickly, and saw Hatori and Akito talking together. I was so afraid of his reaction. I knew he'd be angry, but my biggest concern was disappointing him. What a stupid child I was.
I transformed back to human form at some point on the way to my room. I slipped inside and put some clothes on. I sat down on the edge of my bed and just felt completely miserable about the whole thing. I wondered if Akito would be so angry that he wouldn't love me anymore. I knew no life without Akito. Who would I turn to? I'd have no friends since their memories would surely be erased. I would be all alone and I just wanted to turn back time and not go that morning. If I had just stayed with Akito like I knew I should have, none of this would have happened.
I was snapped out of my guilty haze by a knock on the door. "Akito- sama summons you," a servant said, and gestured for me to go. I sighed nervously, and walked to the room where Akito was waiting as if to an execution. The room frightened me. He often locked me in there, but I saw it as nothing more than a grounding. Although, I couldn't help but be overcome with fear when I stepped inside.
"Yuki, come closer," Akito said and held out a hand for me. I can't even begin to describe to you the joy I felt just then. He held out his hand and that meant all the world to me. I wish so much I would have been smarter then. I ran to him and took his hand, almost in tears at the thought that he would forgive me.
"Akito, gomen," I said and looked up at him, in all my sincerity. He walked away from me just then, and began pacing the room.
"Hatori is erasing their memories as we speak," he told me. He sounded so cold.
"Am I so strange that we have to hide it so much?" I asked meekly, the dim light from the windows falling on my face. He stood in the shadows. That's how I always remember him now; standing in the shadows and saying horrible things to me.
"A child turning into a mouse? Of course it's strange. No one will ever accept you like that." He said this in the most cruel manner, trying as hard as he could to hurt me.
At that point, I didn't care about anything except for my apology being accepted. I prayed with all my might that he would forgive me. I ran to him and grabbed his hand. "Akito, sumimasen!" I cried into his palm, desperate for some sort of redemption. That was the very last moment that I had ever loved him. To my complete shock, he slapped me.
Akito had punished me before but never so severely, as if every ounce of his heart wanted to cause me pain. It wasn't so much the sting on my cheek that hurt the most. He had turned away from me. I was completely, utterly alone and unloved at that moment. I lost everyone, even Akito. He set one more cold glare on me, and locked me inside the room for the rest of the day. I crouched in the corner and thought about how to lead the rest of my life without anyone else.
As time went by, Akito became more and more cruel to me. Eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer and I ran away. Not literally; everyone knew that I was going to live with Shigure. I ran away in the sense that I didn't want to face my fears and my pains.
Ultimately, I came to the realization that Akito had never really loved me. He had lied all too many times, and I will never be able to forgive him. I understand now that I had only been young and naive. I didn't see the real truth then, but now I do.
Sometimes though, I can't help but wonder how young and naive I am now, and the sorts of things I will come to realize in time. Contemplative thoughts pass my mind about the incident so many years ago. I know now that it wasn't my fault and that Akito is just purely evil. I don't blame myself anymore. But still... I still wonder sometimes. How would everything turn out if I hadn't grown smarter? Would I be happier just because I wouldn't know any better? I wonder why I haven't changed my hair yet. I wonder what new things I will come to realize. And it scares me.