Tobirama's Hindsight
Senju Tobirama opened his eyes, a feat he had acknowledge as impossible after the Kinkaku Force had speared his heart from three different angles and he had felt his soul leave his body. The blundering idiots had been lucky - the Nidaime Hokage was returning from a vital mission in regards to the war effort and plagued with chakra exhaustion and six different fractures along his right leg. Were he in peak condition, the ingrates would have been as he was now.
Or, well, was. Tobirama wasn't actually sure what was happening at the moment.
The white haired man glanced out from the box he had awoken in (a coffin, most likely) taking stock of a large tiled roof, a wheezing old man, and the vista of Konohagakure stretching out around him. He could see the Hokage Monument from here, still ridiculous and completely Hashirama's idea, with the two…?
Ah, little Saru's face had obviously been added. His appointment to the Hat had been some of Tobirama's last words. The surprise really came from the fact that there was no three but four faces engraved into the towering cliff face.
Looking back to the old man, Tobirama's eyes narrowed. Well, that would explain it. His little student had aged into an old man. Tobirama himself had been dead for centuries, and the village had progressed and flourished without him. How...humbling.
"Long time no see, Saru…" Tobirama got out, grimacing at the ashy feel of his throat.
"Ah, it's you. You've aged, Sarutobi." Glancing to the side, Tobirama's frown increased at the form of his brother. He looked…
Wait.
With dawning dread, Tobirama turned his head to look over his shoulder, catching sight of a black haired man with golden eyes and a nasty smirk. Sighing in derision, Tobirama quickly started analyzing the foreign chakra sweeping throughout his temporary body. "Reanimation, eh? And that stripling over there is the one who summoned us with my old jutsu? I made that scroll forbidden for a reason, you know."
Hashirama turned to him with a scowl, hands finding his hips in an imitation of their long (dreadfully, terribly long) departed mother. "I told you not to mess with the dead! Now look at us! We're going to fight Sarutobi for this cretin because you wanted to fight a skeleton war!"
"I did not! It was an important part of the developmental process, you dunce. Maybe if you had a shred of intellect you would be seen as more than a bumbling fool!" Tobirama retorted icily. He wasn't sure how aware his brother was of the situation, but at least the fool was creating a perfect distraction.
The brunet rocked back, gaping and incredulous. "You- I am not a dunce! They called me the God of Shinobi, you don't even have a title!"
Tobirama sneered, drawling a sarcastic, "More like god of wanton destruction. I'm oh so impressed, my Lord."
"You are grounded!" Hashirama screeched after several seconds spent sputtering for a comeback.
The Nidaime Hokage made a sweeping gesture, first as their cracked bodies and then the aged village they had created. "You can't ground me, we're dead. In fact, you've never been able to ground me." After a second, he tacked on, "Mother even said I had more authority over you."
"I had broken a bone and was restricted to bed rest, that doesn't count Tobirama!"
"It does when you're fool enough to train with a ruptured spinal disk."
"Yeah, well, Mito said I was better than you."
"She was your wife. She had to of married you for some reason, though I can't fathom what. Maybe skill in the bedroom? Her and Tōka were snickering together fairly often. On second thought, maybe it wasn't skill but incompetence."
The Shodaime, esteemed founder of Konohagakure, lurched back with a whimper, hands smacking over his ears and face as red as a tomato. "Tobirama!"
"Come now, brother. You had children. That's the most solid evidence to your sexual habits there is, unless Mito found her release elsewhere. No one could blame her if she did, though."
"W-well, what about you and Madara?!"
What?
What?
"What."
There was a beat of silence. Sarutobi had been filtering through several expressions (shock, skeptical, wistful, amusement, remorse, embarrassment) while their summoner seemed to be stuck between exasperation and annoyance. Hashirama was just as shocked by his own words before seemingly agreeing with his heatedly voiced assessment, a hearty gleam in his eye.
"You two were always squabbling and he was always in your office. Your assistants always asked me about the screams when he was there!"
Tobirama's previously idle amusement had quickly fled, horror taking it's place along with an bemused appraisal of his brother's intelligence. "You think I- he- I killed Izuna!"
"The sexual tension between you two-"
"That was hatred! The bastard was an insufferable moron, just like you!"
"I'm happy to know you have a type, brother, but as your brother I must decline. What about Kagami? He was rather cheerful. Maybe your type is actually anyone from the Uchiha-"
"He was my student, you thickheaded halfwit! And why do you assume I'm gay?!"
"You never went after Mito." Hashirama pointed out, as if that was the be-all and end-all requirement for being heterosexual. While Tobirama wasn't (he didn't really much care for one gender over the other in all actuality), he did have standards, thank you.
"She. Was. Married. To an imbecile, quite obviously."
"So you were attracted to my wife! I knew it! Tobirama how could you?"
Throwing his hands up with a growl, Tobirama stalked forward murderously, intent on strangling his sibling's neck.
"Shodaime-sama, Nidaime-sama, you've seemed to have gotten off topic." The summoning twit spoke up, finally interjecting in the bickering most forgot occurred when recounting tales of the two legendary shinobi.
"Fuck off. Also, who summons and tries to control the creator of an enslavement jutsu? Are you arrogant or just stupid?" Tobirama questioned, turning burning red eyes to the startled shinobi. The chakra within him - the slimy, slippery, vile chakra, not the nature chakra that was absorbed by the jutsu's seals and adjusted to the affinity of the summoned soul - seemed to squirm, the minute portion trying to latch onto his body and mind. It failed, however, as Tobirama had spent his time multitasking as he argued with his brother. His chakra - restored by the technique he was coming to regret creating - just as dense and precise as it had been in life had easily beaten down and shredded the other man's chakra.
Stepping forward, Tobirama slapped a hand to his brother's temple, slipping his chakra inside the Shodaime's body and assisting in his own internal struggle. Guiding Hashirama's chakra on how to keep control and decrease their summoners lingering chakra, Tobirama sent a contemptuous glare to the golden eyed man.
"Fool."
Notes
I had to pull out volume 14 for the initial quotes, so credit to Kishimoto
I mean in no way for Hashirama's incest joke to insinuate anything, he was just being a snarky little shit.