Note: Ohhhh, after some sickeningly loooong hiatus I'm finally back! Alive and well!
…With a different account, though. I have some problems with my old one.
Anyway, here's a (sad) songfic for my first, based on the song Don't Go by Matthew Sweet. Enjoy!
Axis Powers Hetalia © Hidekaz Himaruya
Don't Go
Don't go, don't let my love drive you away
There is so much I have left to say
I was always alone.
Ever since I was a kid, I never had that many friends. People either consider me scary or too serious, or even stoic. I do realize that I am a perfectionist, and I always do things in order. What I didn't know was that my strictness makes people quite reluctant to be around me, and I gradually got used to it.
That kind of mentation naturally got deeper inside me. I never really liked being around many people, because they will either backtalk me or avoid me in any way. I enjoyed being alone, reading books in the far corner of the library. I never enjoyed anyone's company, and most definitely I never actually thought that I'd found someone who could change that way of thinking.
That was until he came.
He was a boy around my age whom I met in my first year in high school. He was the first and only person who greeted me that morning, smiling so wide it's not humanly possible. He wasn't afraid of me, he wasn't even avoiding me. I didn't know if he was either stupid or just trying to tease me, but his smile wasn't a lie, I just knew it. From the moment he stretched out his hand to me, introducing himself in such a goofy way, I knew that it was the most sincere smile I've ever seen. Just like wherever he goes, smiles go with him. It was then that marks my first true smile in years.
Oh, don't go, don't bring my darkness to the day
There is so much I have left to say
Oh, don't go
It turned out his name was Feliciano Vargas. I figured that out when the teacher mentioned every student's name in the class. I felt glad when I know that we were in the same classroom. I took glances of him throughout the first day, and just as I expected, Feliciano gets along with practically everyone. His slow, indecent ramblings of pasta and his happy-go-lucky attitude somehow attracts people around him, and wherever he goes he seems to be the center of attention. I lost hope. Deep down, I secretly wished that I could at least have better relationship with him, that I could finally have someone I could call a friend.
I was wrong, though. He came strolling after me at lunch, asking if he could eat together with me. He looked so happy when I accepted his offer, and we had a great time together. One thing I really know about him is that he talks a lot, mostly about pasta and siesta, which I figured out means sleeping a few days later.
We soon became great friends. Feliciano was a really nice person. He was kind and caring, though he was quite slow at studying. He was also bad at sports, since his body was kind of weak. He was the type who gets sick easily. That's why I started giving him daily exercises to keep him fit. I also ended up tutoring him several times, though he still got bad grades. He liked cats, and he had a white and orange tabby at home called Gino. Ironically, the cat resembles him quite a lot, with it's laziness and stupidity. Later, we also become friends with Kiku, a calm exchange student from Japan.
I also figured that Feliciano had an older brother named Lovino, but he seemed to hate me and kept badmouthing me for some reason. It also turned out that the Italian brothers lived with a Spaniard named Antonio, who turned out to be Lovino's boyfriend. It seemed that they will get married in a few months.
Feliciano and his brother were orphans. Their parents died in a freak accident four years ago, and their grandfather died of sickness two years later. That was why Feliciano and his brother worked hard to earn money together, since they don't have any close relatives who could take them in. Feliciano always pointed out to the sky whenever we walk at night, saying that they were living happily up there, though.
Time goes by, and none of us realized it, but we became the best of friends ever since the start of our second year.
There is so much I have left to say
Come back, you know I wrote another song
It was the beginning of autumn when we started our third year in highschool. Me and Feliciano had become even closer that time. We spent out holidays together, helping each other in our studies—I also found out that Feliciano was a great artist; doing things together, laugh together… we've done so many things in such a short time. My life was beginning to change. I was no longer the loner, the anti-social that people were always scared of. I wasn't alone anymore, and that was all because of him.
I thought things would stay like this forever, but I was wrong again. And this time, I was very wrong.
I was visitting Feliciano's house that Sunday. We were having fun together, watching movies. Feliciano was the most enthusiastic one, he kept squealing and screaming in some scenes he liked, mostly with girls in it. Everyone was happy, until Feliciano suddenly went silent and pale. Antonio was going to ask what was wrong with him, but he passed out before he could. We all panicked, and we started calling out his name. I was the one who was panicking the most when we found out that his heart wasn't beating. We hurried him to the hospital, worried about his well being. We were extremely worried, and none of us said a thing in the waiting room. None of use dared.
We stood up when the doctor came out from the ER room. His expression was stoic, but there was a glint of worry on his face. His words break every single one of us, but it completely ruined me.
Feliciano had gone into cardiac arrest.
.o.o.o.
The class was very different without Feliciano. Everything felt weird, everything felt different, it's like I was turning back into the old me. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I couldn't stop worrying about him. The moment the bells rings, I hurried to the hospital, desperate to see him awake. It doesn't turn out to my expectations though, he was still unconscious.
We were all shocked when dr. Berwald told us about his condition yesterday. Feliciano's sudden cardiac arrest was probably caused by his blood cancer. I was speechless, I never knew Feliciano had such a serious disease, he never told me anything either. Even Lovino didn't know. It turned out that his blood cancer had something to do with his family history. Apparently, it was the cause of his grandfather's death.
But the thing that breaks me the most was when dr. Berwald told us that he didn't have much time left. His myeloma was already at its worst state. It's a disease that interferes with the white blood cells, causing the lack of antibodies. This was also the cause as to why he gets sick easily.
I stood outside of his room, since I wasn't allowed to go inside. He looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping, but I know that he wasn't. I didn't even know if he's ever going to wake up anymore. Even if he did, I didn't know if things could ever be the same again. The doctor had said it. There was nothing we could do.
They keep telling me the past is gone
But it looks like my evil deeds are coming 'round
Feliciano finally woke up the next week. I was so glad when Antonio informed me about it. I quickly went to the hospital to see him with Kiku. Lovino and Antonio were already there when we arrived. Feliciano seemed very happy to see me, but his expression was missing the usual shine he had. He was pale, and he wasn't as vibrant as he used to be. It tore me apart seeing him like that.
It finally became a routine. Me and Kiku always came to visit him after school, sometimes bringing him his favorite foods. Feliciano always looked so happy whenever we came. He told us that he was lonely, and that the nurses were all boring because they never listened to his stories. We would then accompany him until around 7, when the visiting time is over. He was always reluctant to let us go whenever that time comes.
Feliciano grabbed my hand one day when I was going to go home. The expression on his face was something I've never seen him wearing. It was a mixture of sadness and longing, and something else I couldn't really describe. The words he said will forever haunt my mind.
"Ludwig… I don't want to die…"
.o.o.o.
I ran up the stairs of the building. Waiting for the lift to open would take too long, and this couldn't wait. Antonio called me in the middle of the class, and I left the school without even having the permission to go from the principal. Feliciano was having his critical period, and worse, this could be the last time we'd ever see him. I saw Lovino and Antonio in front of Feliciano's room. The Spaniard was trying to comfort the depressed Italian.
I saw Feliciano inside from the window. The doctor and nurses were around him, trying their best to help. Feliciano seemed to have trouble breathing, and soon turned unconscious. It felt so long until the doctor came out of the room, but the result was what we feared the most.
Feliciano was no longer here.
.o.o.o.
I can't watch them put you in the ground
Oh, don't go
I can't watch them put you in the ground
Don't go
I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry, I wanted scream, I wanted to show that I was frustrated, confused, and sad, but I couldn't. The tears just won't come out. I guess I was just shocked, too shocked that I couldn't accept Feliciano's death.
My mind was messed up. I couldn't think clearly. I couldn't talk, even when there were so many things that I wanted to say, that I wanted to ask. Why did you go? Why did you leave me? Who will talk to me at school from now on? Who will teach me how to draw? Who… will be my friend?
What am I saying. I still have Kiku, right? He's a good person. And why am I so worried about this? Weren't I always alone? It's nothing new, right? Then, why does it hurt so much?
Feliciano's funeral was attended by everyone from school, his distant relatives were also there. It seemed that Feliciano's departure really hit us badly. He always brings joy to everyone, he was like the sunshine. Now that he's gone, everybody felt the loss of a precious friend. Though to me, he was more than just a friend, he was so much more than that.
Lovino was crying so much throughout the ceremony, where Antonio kept trying to comfort him, even though he was crying himself. I couldn't blame him, he was his only brother. Everybody was showing their grief, they were crying and praying. But why couldn't I? Why couldn't I cry? Why couldn't I say anything, not even a goodbye? I could at least pray for him, right?
Don't go, don't make me have to say goodbye
'Cause I need to look you in the eye
Oh, don't go
I still need to look you in the eye
Don't go
A man walked up the podium. He was one of Feliciano's distant relatives. His voice was shaking when he talked.
"We are here in remembrance of our dear son, Feliciano Vargas. His loss left a very deep scar inside our hearts. He was such a kind and cheerful young man, but he died in such a young age. Though we weren't close, we know quite a lot about him. He brings smile to everyone around him, he was like the sunshine in the family. Feliciano will forever be in our hearts."
Other members of his family was taking turns on speaking, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't even get myself to hear what they were saying. I felt dizzy, I wanted to puke. Even after all this, I still couldn't accept the fact that he was gone.
I still need to look you in the eye
Don't go
No, don't go
I ran. I couldn't stand being there anymore. I ran as fast as my feet could take me, far from the crowd. I was crying, I finally cried. I could feel the warm tears flowing freely on my face. I stopped in garden. The sky turned dark, and it was raining. Even the sky was crying for the loss of Feliciano. I recalled the memories, the times we've spent together, his trademark smile, his goofy face, his verbal tic, everything about him seemed so distant now. Will I really never be able to see him again?
I was silent for a long time. I don't even know how long. I remembered the words he said to me. I couldn't answer him back then, but I will answer him now. I looked up to the sky, forcing out a smile.
"Don't worry, Feliciano. You're happy up there with your family… right? Just don't forget to exercise regularly… like I always taught you."
I paused for a while.
"…I love you."
~Fin~
Note: AAAAAHHHHHH! What have I created? Q_Q
Oh dear, Feli… I'm so sorry! I will never write anything like this ever again!
This is such a fail, by the way. And the ending's kinda rushed… I really don't know how to end angsty fics… because I don't usually write angsty fics, so this really isn't my cup of tea. Now I don't like writing these even more…
By the way, sorry about Japan. He only appeared like… twice? I forgot about him. XD *shot*
I'm sorry for typing and grammar errors. English isn't my first language.
Review?