Disclaimer: We own nothing, never will, never have.

Author's Notes: Hello, I wrote the majority of this fiction. However I had help in writing this insane parody, which I officially dub a 'Crack-Fic' as in [We were on (crack) when we wrote this]. My partner in crime, Miss Celery, helped during my periodic writer's block.

This is but a piece of a massive fic that has already been written out, if it is accepted well we may consider posting it in its entirety. Each review does make a definite difference, all we ask is a 'Hey… I read this. Post more for we are bored and don't want to search the archives any more.' If for only that, we thank you.

Reviews are honored, Constructive criticism is very welcome, Flames will be laughed at and adapted so that they may be placed into the fic as jokes.

Miss Celery's A/N: The authors of this fic are not sane...will never be sane... weren't EVER sane. So -^^- if any confusion occurs in the digesting of this fic, let us know and we'll clear it up for y'all.

[/sanity]

"HEY! SAM! YOOO HOO!"  A blonde girl came running down the hall into the locker rooms, yelling at the top of her lungs. Sam cringed inwardly, and tried to hide her head inside her long gym locker. 

"There you are! I was afraid you left without me Sammy!"

"Yeah… here I am…" Sam leaned out of her locker and sighed.

"So! How are you going to spend you're little vacation?" The blonde girl smiled brightly, and sat down on one of the benches that ran down the row of lockers.

"Oh, just go home and practice up for later I suppose," Sam said as she slipped what looked like a chain mail shirt off, and put a black tank top on in its place.

"God you're boring!" The girl whined, and took a good look at the metallic undergarment. "What's that for? You taking a trip into the Middle-Ages or something?"

"Oh this?" Sam blinked, and tossed the chain mail into her large gym bag. "The fencing instructor is teaching me how to use sharpened blades, it's a little different from ones that aren't." Sam shrugged, and reached back into her locker.

"Gee… Just what any college would want, a female student who's done nothing but take sports and weapons classes…" The blonde rolled her eyes as she watched Sam clean out her locker. "I can see it now! Samantha Williams, prized student at Harvard Law!" She exclaimed in a stuffy voice. "This is the type of person you'll have to be defending in court kids!"

"Funny, and I suppose you're list of nothing but mechanics classes and lunch duty is going to help you get into Harvard?" Sam rolled her eyes and stood up straight, rather than remaining hunched over in her locker. "Courtney Smith, the-like-attorney at like-law." Sam mocked her in a valley-girl voice.

"Alright now, I think we've had enough of that." Courtney snickered. "So what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just taking home my uniforms and stuff for cleaning and polishing…" Sam continued to empty the contents of her locker into her bag or the trash. Courtney watched her and began sorting through the stuff she had thrown in her bag.

"Swimsuit, towel, …chain mail, chap-stick, sun tan lotion, sports bra, karate gi…" Courtney paused and raised an eyebrow at Sam. "You take martial arts too?"

"Yup." Sam tossed a few more things into her bag, and crumpled some paper to throw into the trashcan.

"Right…" Courtney went back to riffling through Sam's things. "Deodorant." She snickered. "How come you never use it?" She asked, earning a glare from Sam. She sighed and continued. "A… three month old granola bar…" She read the label and rolled her eyes. "A tazer…right, a pair of gym shorts, a fencing team uniform, and a copy of 'The Hobbit'?" Courtney looked up at Sam.

"What? I loved that book, and decided to read it again!" Sam shot her a look and zipped up her full gym bag. "Here, make yourself useful and hold this for me!" Sam handed a long thin bag to Courtney, and went back into her locker.

"What's this for?" Courtney looked down into the long bag and back up at Sam.

"Well, it's a flag bag, but I put my swords and staff into it too." Sam said as she pulled out a set of dangerous looking things and stuffed them into the flag bag.

"Riiiight," Courtney looked down into the bag. "A sword that you must have stolen out of the 'Three Musketeers,' a foil, a fake looking rifle… Have you been beating up the Pageantry team and swiping their stuff?" Courtney watched as Sam slid her staff and a flag on a long metal pole into the bag.

"No, but they did give me some things to practice with," Sam replied as she shut her locker. "Just in case I want to join next year."

 "You planning on taking over the world or something?" Courtney shot her friend a strange look and zipped up the 'flag-bag' for her.

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you." Sam smiled and swung the flag bag over her left shoulder, lifting the heavier gym bag on her right.

"That's my line." A rather bored sounding voice from behind them said.

"Hi Amy." Courtney waved her hand once over her shoulder and turned to see the third girl.

"Yeah. 'Hi,'" The tall pale girl behind them replied. She was rather strange, seeing as she wore nothing but black with lace, white make up, and dark eye shadow. "So, did you hide the body in there?" She joked, but her voice stayed in its same monotonous standard.

"Not yet," Sam smirked, as did Amy. "So, what's everybody's favorite Goth up to today?"

"Preparing an army of darkness for world conquest, studying for the Spanish test in two weeks, nothing out of the ordinary." Amy shrugged and tossed her small black gym bag over her shoulder. "By the way, I need your notes for Ms. Calin's English class. Send them to me later." Amy held up her portable instant messenger and stared at Courtney.

"Right, I gave them to Sam." Courtney waved her hand, and adjusted her backpack.

"I'll send them to you when I get home," Sam sighed, and turned to walk to the door.

"May you burn in the agony of your solitary darkness until we meet again," Amy said as Sam stared to leave.

"Yeah, see you later Amy. Come on Courtney we can cut through the park together," Sam replied and Courtney followed her out the door.

The two girls walked out into the cool night air. The fencing team practices didn't let out until seven thirty and they had to stop by the locker room to clean out their equipment before the 'vacation.' The school was being fumigated, so the entire student body got a week off just before Halloween. Everyone was nearly overjoyed, but there wasn't anything to do in a small city like Winchesterton.

The two girls started chatting as they walked across the school basketball courts, and out over the field.  Courtney opened the gates, and the two girls walked off campus and down the street. They turned the corner at the first intersection and arrived at the entrance to the Winchesterton Central Park. They walked past the green sign with the name and dedication to the park and down the gravel path. The two picked up their pace slightly as the sky began to get darker and a cold eerie wind began to blow, causing the trees to moan and creak and the water of the small fake streams to gurgle in a most creepy way.

"This bag is killing me." Sam grumbled as the two walked through Winchesterton's Central Park. The walk through the park was quieter, had less people, and was a shortcut to both their houses.

"Well, that's what happens when you take every possible sports course!" Courtney smirked, and walked along the tree-lined path with Sam. "We'd better hurry, the news said there was going to be the hugest lightning storm tonight."

"Oh doesn't that just scream bad Horror Movie," Sam rolled her eyes and looked over at Courtney. "Two teenage girls walking through the deserted park late at night, a week before Halloween, during a lightning storm."

"Bum bum bum!" Courtney mimicked an announcer type voice, and snickered. "Well, looks like we've got to part ways here Sammy." The two stopped right before a fork in the path, and Courtney motioned to a north-facing path that led towards her house.

"Yeah, see you later then." Sam turned down the path that led south towards her house, and waved at Courtney over her shoulder. Courtney waved at her, and they departed down each of their paths.

Sam walked for a while, and looked up at the sky. She could barely see it through the thick canopy of the trees, but what little she could see was darker and cloudier than when they had started off, the wind was stronger now and seemed to have a mind of its own. It looked like it would start pouring rain any moment, and that's exactly what it did. The rain started off as a small drizzle in the strong and then a moment later began pouring like there was no tomorrow. Lightning flashed, and struck a stone bridge that went over the path that Sam was on.

"Oh great!" Sam broke into a run, and held her hands over her head in a rather futile attempt to stay dry. She spotted the old stone bridge just ahead, and ran straight for it. She finally made it under the bridge, where it was still reasonably dry, and stopped. She took a break, and sat down. "I can't go anywhere until this rain lets up!" She grumbled between breaths. Sam looked around, and spotted the burnt looking rocks that had fallen off the bridge when the lightning struck it. "Well… it never strikes twice." Sam looked up nervously.

It seems the 'Powers-That-Be' were against Sam that day, because the lightning struck the bridge again, and lit one of the bushes at its base on fire. A set of rocks, and a fair amount of dust and dirt fell near, around, and onto Sam as she sat under the bridge. She watched the burning bush, but the rain quickly extinguished it.

"This is just great. With my luck this bridge is going to be the only thing struck by lightning." Sam sighed, and watched the sky nervously.

The storm rolled on for a few more hours, and Sam began to get tired. Seeing as nothing in its right mind would be out during this kind of weather, and the fact that Sam was rather skilled in the ancient art of 'Whoop-Ass,' she decided to take a nap. Sam closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep while the rain continued to pour on and, as the 'Powers-That-Be' would have it, lightning continued getting much too close to the bridge for comfort.

Sam woke up to the sounds of birds in the trees, and quiet murmur of a stream or some other kind of running water. Sam sat up, and stretched her arms out, trying desperately to get rid of the horrible kink in her neck. She opened her eyes, and squinted up at the bridge. The bridge wasn't as nice as it had been when she fell asleep. Instead of being clean with properly groomed bushed around it, it was dusty, dirty, wet, and parts of it were covered in a weed filled silt. Sam looked around, and it seemed to her, the path has been covered over with mud, dirt, rocks and some fallen plants.

"Oh man… My mom must be so worried about me. I am going to be grounded for life!" Sam whined as she realized that her mother was, most likely, going to filet her for staying out in that kind of weather. Sam groaned as she lifted up her bags, with some deal of effort, and started to trek over the fallen rocks and follow what she thought looked like the path.

"Crap…" Sam grumbled as she stared up at one huge pile of fallen rocks and trees. "What happened!? It looks like Godzilla was break dancing!" She put her hands on her hips, and dejectedly started climbing the huge mass of wreckage. "Frickin' bag… God damn…" Sam growled a set of rather 'colorful phrases' as she lugged her bags up and over the roadblock.

"Oh…damn this sucks…" Sam stared down from the pile of debris. There was no path, not any more. The pile of debris looked like it was the top of a large amount of fallen rocks that had slid down a cliff or into a ravine. The pile seemed to go down and under another canopy of trees and was overgrown with a rather pointy type of bush. Sam tried to look over the trees and out at the landscape, but the height of some of the trees around her made it impossible.

"A mudslide! How fun…" Sam started off in a fake cheery voice, and then reverted to her grumpy sardonic tone.

Sam started climbing down the pile of fallen overgrown boulders, and trees, but it was difficult with her heavy bags. Halfway down the pile her foot slipped and she tumbled down into the pointy bushes, using just about every 'colorful phrase' she could think up and a few that she made up just for the occasion. Sam sat in the pointy bushes for a while, and grumbled. She was in pain, dirty, hungry, and fed up with the 'park,' not to mention she had to look like something the cat dragged in, clawed, dragged out, and got hit by a truck.

"Today is officially the worst day I've ever had." Sam growled and stood up, while trying to get the pointy, itchy, painful stickers that the bush seemed to be covered in out of her arms and legs.

And lo, the 'Powers-That-Be' decreed that her day would get oh so much worse.

Sam trudged through the brush and mud, the water and muck covered leaves, and the 'pointy-itchy-sticker-bastards' as Sam so lovingly referred to the bushes she had seen during her 'trip' down the ravine. Sam finally made it out of the small ravine and brush filled path she had been walking through, and the day seemed to look up. The ground became dry and fully solid, the leaves were dry, and even though it was darker and the 'pointy-itchy-sticker-bastards' were still rather abundant the lack of dampness put Sam in a better mood.

"Okay, blind as a bat but at least I'm dry." Sam sat down on the ground and began to search through her pockets for something useful. She pulled out her key chain, and attached to it was a mini-flashlight; she pulled the flashlight off and stuck the keys back in her pocket. Sam stood up, and looked around to see if she could spot the path. She didn't stray too far from her bags though, and that was a good thing as it turned out. As she was searching Sam walked right through the biggest spider web she had ever seen in her entire life. She screamed and leapt back to her bag; she unzipped her flag bag, and drew out her only sharpened sword. Sam hated spiders, hated them with a vengeance.

"Where are you…you evil big spider…" Sam growled and used her left hand to hold the flashlight, holding her sword in the right. 

And lo, the 'Powers-That-Be' decreed, 'Here comes the kicker!'

There was a cracking noise, and a limb fell off a tree. Sam whirled around, and nearly dropped her flashlight. There was a spider on the branch, it was at least the size of a couch and it stank to high heaven.

"Woah…" Sam held up her sword and suddenly reconsidered trying to 'smash' the spider.  The spider hissed, and some grotesque green liquid oozed off of its fangs. Sam backed up, and nearly tripped over her bag. "Okay Sammy, you must be dreaming…ate some bad cafeteria food…" Sam's train of thought derailed as she heard another tree creak under something weight. She turned and just to her left there was another of the huge ominous spiders.

"Oh…shit…" She muttered under her breath. "Err… Nice, happy, friendly spiders?" Sam said nervously as she stared at the two evil looking creatures. Both of them hissed and emitted a noise that sounded halfway between a shriek and a growl. "Not…happy, nice, friendly spiders…" She gulped and prepared to use all the training she had acquired in school.

[/fic]

[sleep= "10 Hours" rehab= "imminent" straight jacket properties= "fixed" size= "7"]

Misc: If you read this fic, hoping it would be anything like the summary, please forgive out deception. You can even review your outrage- we just like to know we made a difference.

Information: If you would like to contact the Authors for any reason at all, please feel free to send an e-mail to gambit_gurl_isis@hotmail.com .

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