Timeline: set in season 3, right after the episode 3x15 (Left Behind)
Summary: Jack decides to take "the other" Juliet to the beach camp. His polemic decision affects his friends, especially Kate.
Author's notice: the song that inspired me was "Don't" by Shania Twain
Kate's POV
-Sayid's in one of those backyards down there. I'll go get him. You should get Jack.
Juliet was saying her words in an enigmatic manner, as usual. She looked at me with her glacial and blasé eyes. After the discussions, quarrels, antipathy and all the misunderstandings in the world between us (including physical fight), I don't know what was on her mind to play the good girl, giving me the chance to approach Jack. I thought it very strange, but I was so worried and with no time to analyze her real intentions. So, in a hurry, I went to the house where Jack was lodged. When I saw him on the corridor floor, in the middle of the mess of the living room, I became desperate. Jack was unconscious, probably due to the gas canisters nearby.
-Jack, Jack, hey, wake up, it's me.
I shook his body and he quickly woke up, knocking me back into the wall. A little dizzy, he tried to recover his consciousness and when he looked at the mess around, he asked me:
-What happened?
-They all left.
-What? What?
-Because of me. I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I never...
At this time, my heart was in my boots and I started unwittingly sobbing. There were no words to express how I was feeling guilty. I messed up everything! I ruined his plans. Jack would leave; he was ready to leave this damn island. Then, I decided to come back for him along with Sayid and Locke. I swore I was doing the right thing but after our conversation on the game room, he showed me that he had planned everything. He did an agreement with the others and he did it alone, he didn't need my help. I meddle with it and I just spoiled his strategy. I tried to state my case, mentally hoping that he could understand my reasons:
-I wanted to come back to help you. But you didn't need me to. And now because of me you can't go.
While I was talking, tears were streaming down my face. Jack said nothing; he was just staring at me in a serious manner. It could be noticed his disappointment, it could be seen how mad he was about me. I was crying in a resentful way; I worked so hard to rescue him! It took few days of walking, sonic fence, the others trying to kill us, but everything was a waste of time because all I could do was damaging the only chance he had to escape from the island. I wish I could get down on my knees and ask him to forgive me:
-I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
Jack had rage in his eyes. Nevertheless, he didn't shout, he didn't curse me and he didn't blame me. He deeply looked at me in the eyes and he was clearly feeling awkward at my apology.
-They just, left? Even, even Juliet?
As I heard what he just said to me, I became angry. I was torturing myself to explain my fails, asking his forgiveness, anxious for some kind of answer and then he asked me about her? Why did he want to know about her? I could swear that he was a little upset as he thought she had gone.
-No, they left her too - I said.
-Why?
That conversation was making me furious. How could I know anything about Juliet? I didn't hide my disappointment with his question.
-You know her better than I do. Now what? - I tried to change the subject of our conversation.
-Now, now we go back.
After saying this, Jack did an effort to stand up. He was still weak due to his fall. He leaned on the wall around and I already helped him to rise to his feet. Leaning on me, he walked towards the exit. However, by the time we walked through the door, we saw Juliet and Sayid outside the house. Jack immediately got rid of my arm and ran towards her.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-You OK?
-Yeah. You?
-Yeah.
I watched their conversation on the corner. I saw Jack taking the same care he used to have with me, but now it was with Juliet. The same talk, the same approaching. When I noticed the bond between them, I felt like I had been stabbed by a knife; besides his protector way at her, they were chuckling. Then Sayid decided to stop with that bullshit:
-Jack.
-Sayid.
-I've checked the entire house, everyone's gone, no weapons, no trail...
-Hey - I greeted him just to join the conversation.
-It's like fifty people disappeared into thin air.
-We should take what we can find and head out while we still got light.
Jack was managing to do what he had already proposed. Sayid stopped him:
-She is not coming with us. - he was talking about Juliet.
-Yes she is. - Jack exclaimed with all the self-confidence and certainty in the world.
-Why? - Sayid asked back.
-Because they left her behind too.
Jack emphatically said, turning around, not willing to discuss. Juliet followed him. Outraged, I turned to Sayid and looked at him, showing my complete disapproval at Jack's attitude and Sayid also showed that he didn't agree with Jack. I was hoping that Sayid would try to prevent his pointless decision, after all, Jack used to respect his opinion, maybe he would listen to him; our people trusted him. But he began to walk behind them, although he was annoyed.
Jack and Juliet were furthermore and, in a sudden way, I hurried up my steps. I wanted to reached them, I wanted to approach Jack and make him think about it. What was he thinking, taking an "other" with us? And she wasn't an ordinary other. Why should he bring her? She was exactly the person who had more connections with them. Something was wrong. But then I remembered that I wasn't in a good position to ask anything to Jack. He hadn't even forgiven my mistake; he hardly would listen to me. Therefore I gave up my idea; there was no choice for me except following them.
The return to the beach was filled up with silence. The air was heavy. Sayid and I didn't trust that woman anyway. The same couldn't be said about Jack. He and Juliet were walking ahead of us and they seemed to be indifferent at our observant presence. From time to time, they talked to each other about some matters which we didn't know. I guess they did it on purpose, just to ignore us. My head was down during all the time, I just couldn't look at them. I had watery eyes due to my anger. How could he give attention to her and completely ignore me? I'm the one who saved him, I came back for him! What about Juliet... she and her people kept us in captivity during many days, they punished us, they made us suffer... why was he trusting her and ignoring his real friends?
Sayid sneaked away and approached me, quietly saying, almost whispering:
-What do you think about it? Do you trust her?
-Me? Not really. And you?
-I think that they let her behind on purpose, just to spy us.
-What makes me disappointed is the fact that Jack believes her!
-Kate, did you hear that idiom: "keep your friends close andyour enemies even closer"? That's what we should do.
We stop talking when we noticed that Juliet was looking back. She was really smart; she seemed to guess that we were talking about her!
After spending some time walking, I reached Jack and then I asked him for a break:
-Jack, hey! Don't you think we should rest for a while?
He stop walking, he was breathless. He took the opportunity to put his hands on his waist and recover his breathing, giving a deep whisper before answering:
-Ok, let's stop. Just for few minutes, we have to continue our hiking; I don't want the night coming before we get at the beach.
Jack uttered his words while he was looking away to the horizon. Since our conversation at the Dharma Ville he didn't say a word to me and he just didn't look at me anymore. When Juliet sat down on a log, under the shadow of a tree, he decided to follow her, sitting next to her. I realized that he wasn't willing to bear me, so I decided to give him some space.
Don't...don't you wish we tried?
Do you feel what I feel inside?
You know our love's stronger than pride
I repeated to myself that I had to respect him after what happened. It was his right to deprive himself of my presence. However, it was extremely hard; I've been with him and he has been with me since always, this forced breaking up was too much to handle.
I managed to take some fruits in the wood around. After we had walked during a long time, we were starving. It would take hours until we arrive in our camp, it would be good to our stomach to eat something. It could be called as a "destiny joke" the fact that I had simply found one of his favorite fruits: guava. I went back to our little group, offering one fruit to each one and letting the rest of them over a clean cloth extended on the grass.
Standing in front of Jack, I offered him a guava, giving him a soft smile, trying to break the ice in our delicate relationship. Jack took the fruit and thanked me, but he kept his look away. I spent few seconds around him but he acted as if I wasn't there. This made me so upset that if I hadn't left the place, I would have taken the risk to start fighting and the worst, I would have cried in anger at him.
No don't, don't let your anger grow
Just tell me what you need me to know
Please talk to me, don't close the door
'cause I wanna hear you
Wanna be near you...
Was he playing this kind of game? Instead of telling me how he was feeling, was he punishing me and completely choosing to ignore me? Ok, I wouldn't allow him such satisfaction, I wouldn't do this. Sooner or later, he would realize that Juliet was the betrayer and maybe Jack would be like he was when we met him and learned to trust him.
I sat down on the corner, away from them. I actually didn't understand why I was feeling this way. The silence made me focus in my thoughts. I remembered Juliet's words: "I know where he was born. I know what his parents did for a living. I know that he was married. And who he was married to. I know why he got a divorce. I know how his father died. I know his height, his weight, his birthday, and his blood type. What do you know about him, Kate?"
This last sentence was hitting in my mind and a feeling of angst overwhelmed me when I realized that I really didn't know almost anything about him, she was right. But then, why was I so worried? What I wanted the most in my life was his forgiveness, but why? I had never been a person who cares with anyone else's opinion, but since I crashed on this island, I've cared especially with what he thinks about me. Since I met him, all I have done is trying to show him the best side of me, being a dignified person, to be in the same level. But God, why? What was this pain that I was feeling? I asked myself, totally lost. In a group of more than 40 people, the only thing that I wanted was the approval of one person: Jack.
-Let's go.
Sayid called me, setting me free of my reflection about my feelings. A long journey had started. We went through meadows, wild wood, hills, until we reached the river area. Beaten by the thirsty, we naturally allowed us another break.
I spent the entire patch trying not to think about Jack, which was an impossible task. The more I avoided the subject, the more I thought about him. Actually, I didn't understand, I couldn't, I wasn't able to, and I just didn't want to lose him. We were nothing but strangers, besides I had the strange feeling that Juliet took the place that belonged to me. I needed to take it back. During the journey, I convinced myself that I would approach him on the first opportunity, for better or for worse. We had to clarify things, that misunderstanding between us was killing me. And the moment came.
As I was watching Jack alone, in a hurry, I went towards his direction. He was on his knees, at the edge of the river, holding two bottles of water; he was filling in one bottle, while he was keeping the other one on his lap, in order to fill it later. I slowly approached, not wishing to scare him.
-Hey.
-Hey.
He answered me in a rough manner, keeping his head down. As I noticed that he wouldn't stop what he was doing to give me some attention, I decided to insist.
-Jack?
-What?
Jack completely filled the first bottle in and at that moment he was managing to block it and put it aside.
-Can I talk to you?
-Sure...
He took the top off and dived the second bottle in the water.
-Could you at least look at me and pay attention in what I say?
Surprised by my grave tone, he finally gave in, glancing up and stopping what he was doing to stare at me.
-What's wrong, Kate? Any problem?
Before answering, I couldn't help giving an ironic smile.
-Are you really asking me this? I'm the one who supposed to ask you! What's wrong, Jack?
-I don't know what you are talking about, Kate. If it regards to the fact of bringing Juliet, I already told you, she was left behind like us, which means that she is one of us now.
-What? She would never be one of us; she is still an "other". I can't believe you are so naive to this point, believing in this lie!
-Kate, you barely know her to judge her this way. I had been there with them, not only as a prisoner but also in their companion. And Juliet... I used to think like you, but after knowing the other side of the history; I noticed she was as victim as we were.
-What's wrong with you, Jack? Why are you acting weird since you stayed with them? I don't recognize you anymore!
-Me strange?
Jack suddenly stood up, looking around and laughing in a sarcastic manner. Then, making gestures with his hands, he spoke, clearly pissed off:
-It's funny you think this way... Am I the only one who changed? Are you sure? All things we went through there... the whole experience... everything that made me suffer...
He looked down and his mind was travelling as he was remembering every single experience he had during the time he spent with the others. There was some emphasis in his last sentence. So I realized what he was probably referring to. I remembered Juliet's harsh words: "We have cameras on the cages, Kate. All of them. He saw you, you and Sawyer. The reason Jack told you not to come back, wasn't because he didn't want you to get hurt, it was because you broke his heart."
At this moment, I realized that the anger I was feeling had no reasons to exist, I was the hangman, I was the one who had hurt him so much. I could see his fragile, although Jack was trying to repress his pain at all costs. He didn't want to face me, because the fact of looking at me made him remind everything I had done to him and his only defense was hurting me back, with his scorn. I deserved it. I deserved his rage, his resentful words.
-Jack, I'm really sorry, could you forgive me? Please, forgive me?
Don't fight, don't argue
Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry
Just let me love you
Don't turn me away, don't tell me to go
At this time, I had teary eyes; I was closer to him, few steps of distance, in front of him, desperately begging him to forgive me. A quick silence came before Jack looked at me, in a little more comprehensible way.
-Locke blew up the submarine, not you. He went there with you, but no one could guess that he would do such craziness.
He thought I was apologizing once more for coming back to rescue him, however, this time it wasn't my intention. From the bottom of my heart, I was asking his forgiveness for getting involved with Sawyer, for having hurt him so much. He was the only person who I never wanted to hurt. I wish I had the courage to declare it to him, to run towards him, to say that I'm sorry over and over, every day until he forgives me. I wanted a chance to start over, I would insist, I would shout if it was necessary, in order to not let him give up of me, of us.
Don't...don't give up on trust
Don't give up on me, on us
If we could just hold on long enough
We can do it
We'll get through it...
Nevertheless, a lump in my throat appeared; I had never felt like this before, what I was feeling for him was completely new, I just didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to react, neither what to say. At my lack of words, he ended up our conversation:
-It's getting dark, we'd better go.
Without hesitating, he turned back and began to walk. I was stuck, just watching him walking away from me. I saw Jack far, giving the bottle of water to Juliet. She was glad and she smiled at him, he smiled back. Then, all of a sudden, I started crying.
Don't pretend that it's ok
Things won't get better that way
Don't do something you might regret someday...
Don't!
Don't, don't give up on me
Don't!
I burst in tears because he used to smile at me that way and look at me in a sweet manner, but now... She was the owner of his smile, she was catching his attention. My cry became intense because I realized that I lost him. I knew that I should let him go; he deserved to go on and be with someone who would make him happy, what he couldn't be if he stayed with me. That's the kind of thing that Kate Austen always does, she ruins the heart of every good man who steps into her life. But this time, the situation was different. I noticed some true which simply destroyed me: I wasn't the only one who broke his heart. I really did it, I admit it, but as a result, my heart was also broken, it had been torn apart in thousand pieces, completely in tatters. Life is like that. I had to lose him to find out that I loved him. I definitely realized that I had fallen in love with him; but it was too late to us, destiny had separated us.
THE END