Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters.
50 Ways to Annoy Arthur
Ask him to pout for you.
Tell him he has won the award for "Prince of the month".
Whenever you see him pouting or posing, say – "Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline."
Stick a sign on his door – "Prince Prat"
Stick a sign on his door – "Do not disturb: Merlin and Arthur are making out."
Tell Arthur, that Uther knows. Refuse to elaborate.
Ask him to pose for you wearing nothing but his leather boots.
When talking to him, finish every single sentence with "my liege"
When he is talking to Merlin, go up to them and interject – "...did Merlin tell you how impressed he is with your long, firm sword, Arthur?"
Tell Morgana that Arthur isn't as "big" as he'd have you think he is.
For added effect, after no.10, add "...just ask Merlin."
Shake your head at Arthur in a disappointed fashion and say "Lancelot told me he only rated you a 3 out of 10 for kissing..."
Tell Arthur that to become King he has to run naked through the castle.
Compliment Lancelot whenever Arthur is within earshot.
Compile a long list of slashy things that Arthur has said to Merlin. Give it to Arthur, Merlin, Uther, Gaius, Morgana, Gwen...
Comment on how close Uther and Morgana are, and smile, "She might be your new mommy!"
Send around a piece of paper with "Sign if you think Lancelot is hotter than Arthur"
No.17 and trick Uther into signing it then show it to Arthur.
Ask him if he gets turned on when Merlin dresses him.
Ask him if he likes being the "dominant one" in his relationship with Merlin.
Quote his lines back at him in an exaggerated melodramatic fashion – "There's something about you, Merlin, I can't quite put my finger on it"
Whenever he and Merlin are acting really slashy around each other. Jump out, and squeal – "THAT'S SO ADORABLE! Arthur, do that cute smile thing you did! Merlin, kiss him you nonce!" Throw a hissy fit that they dance around each other but never act on it.
Ask Arthur if he has his own fashion brand – "Royalty, at Next"
Comment on the fact that the first time Arthur and Merlin met, they got physical.
Inscribe the word "dunce" onto his crown.
Write "Merlin was here" on the inside of every pair of pants that Arthur owns.
Ask Arthur how he punishes Merlin for doing things wrong.
Tell Merlin that Arthur wants to punish him with whips and handcuffs.
Ask Uther if there are any whips or handcuffs in the castle. When he asks why you want to know, raise your eyebrows suggestively, and say, "Arthur wanted to know. He's really getting quite close to Merlin..."
Sigh dreamily. When someone asks you if you're okay, say in the same dreamy way – "the prince and the servant boy...isn't it romantic?"
Ask Arthur if he gave Merlin those neckerchiefs to cover up huge hickeys that were on Merlin's pale neck.
Ask Arthur if he has ever heard of "Mpreg". Tell Merlin beforehand to clutch his stomach and smile down at it on your cue. Watch Arthur's reaction!
Tell Arthur that every time he thinks a dirty thought about Merlin, a puppy dies.
Do no.33 then have Merlin drop innuendos into the conversation, but maintaining his innocent expression.
Do no.33 then have Merlin getting so hot and sweaty mucking out the stables that he takes his shirt off.
Tell him armour's looking a bit dull.
No. 36, but add things like "Lancelot has great hair don't you think?"
Ask Arthur if he was jealous of Merlin's friendship with Will, and the way Merlin stroked Will's hair when he was dying
Ask Arthur if he can "keep the magic secret"
Stick a sign on Arthur's back – "Owned by Merlin" and one on Merlin's back – "Arthur's bitch" or alternatively "Owned by Arthur".
Sing "Merlin and Arthur, sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G! Begins with a B, ends in an X! Oh my God, they're having Buttsex!" Repeat constantly.
Get Merlin to enter the Royal Court late, and say – "Sorry I'm late everyone, I was just trying to get these white stains out of Arthur's bed sheets."
Get Merlin to enter the Royal Court late, and say – "Sorry I'm late everyone, I was just trying to find Arthur's blanky, he can't sleep without it."
Ask him if he and Merlin are "friends with benefits" with exaggerated winks.
Get Merlin to ask him what S&M is.
For added effect, after 45, also get Morgana and Gwen to ask him what a blowjob is.
Tell Merlin that Arthur requires his services in the bedroom.
Tell Merlin Arthur wants a blowjob in the stables.
Inform Arthur that he and Merlin MUST be a couple, because the dragon says so, Merlin's mum says so, Uther says so, Morgana says so (episode 10!!!)
Run into the Royal Court whilst it is in session and yell – "Arthur, come quickly! Merlin needs CPR!" If he objects at any point, loudly say – "Well, you didn't mind having your mouth on his earlier..."
Ta da! This is my follow up to 50 ways to annoy Merlin. Perhaps I'll do Uther next, or Morgana...