Disclaimer: I own nothing but my imagination.
Falling Apart
Spencer looked out his car window, feeling the sting of tears spring to his brown eyes. The sun was setting behind the park, and to say it was stunning was an understatement. The sight almost took his breath away as he stared, paralysed, unable to make himself move.
What really took his breath away, was why he was here. Her. Her grave was just a yard or two away from his idling car. She was underneath the ground at this very moment. Just a few steps away, she lay underneath the freshly cut, windswept green grass. But not really, only her body. She, was gone. Her consciousness had dispersed to who knows where.
Reid liked to think she was a part of everything he saw. It left him feeling slightly less lonely, which he definitely didn't mind. He'd look at a blooming rose and think that maybe she was in there, trying to show him beauty. He'd glance up at the billowing clouds and ponder that possibly she was inside them, smiling at him. And even when he felt the light summer wind hit the back of his neck, he liked to think she was whispering a silent message to him. He just wished he knew what it was.
Being a logical thinker, he knew most of that was scientifically impossible. But without the little sliver of hope he had, there was nothing. And that was what scared him most. The fact that there was nothing left inside of him. He didn't care about things the same way he used to. He couldn't care for the grieving families, because he was still grieving himself. He didn't really laugh at Morgan's jokes, or smile at Garcia's antics anymore. Well he did, but not because he actually felt the emotions he put on his face. He wore a mask. Because he didn't want anyone worrying about him.
He only thought about one thing anymore, and that was Emily. He missed her with every beat of his heart. Her warm smile, soft hair and kind words. She had been a glowing vision, and he should have realised it earlier. When she was still alive. Because maybe, he could have told her that. Just so she knew how much she meant to him. With her gone, he couldn't breathe properly anymore. Or at all, for that matter.
Finally, with his heart taking control over his head, Reid managed to make himself move. He stopped his car, letting the silence consume his ears for just a moment. But he didn't like silence too much, because there was none of her in it.
And so he opened the door and climbed out, letting the cool evening air hit his cheeks, bringing a small rush to him. Maybe she was in that air. Who knew. He shut his door with a thud, and slowly made his feet move towards the paved walkway. It was smooth under his shoes, and he tried to breathe evenly as he got closer.
He hated the fact that he hadn't visited her since the funeral. It was almost three weeks ago, and he knew all of the team had been here on several occasions, but he hadn't been able to work up the strength. Even now he wondered if had it, but turning back wasn't an option now. He just had to talk to her. Maybe she would hear him. Okay, technically he knew she couldn't. But the small, childish part of him hoped for it mercilessly.
Finally he reached the top of the small hill, and saw her gravestone. He had wondered why they had buried her, when she had wanted to be cremated. He'd even said something to JJ, but she sort of acted like she hadn't heard him. And yet he was a little relieved she'd been buried, because he could come and talk to her now. No doubt if she'd been burned, she would have gone to her mother. And then there really wouldn't have been anything for Spencer to visit.
Tears were forming by the time he stood in front of the white stone. Her beautiful name was carved into it delicately, as if it was something to be worshipped. And it was really. She was someone who deserved to be remembered forever, and never forgotten. He knew he'd never forget it. He cringed every time it was spoken, thought or read. Because she was a part of him.
And she deserved to know that.
"Uh... hey Emily." He spoke out with a lump in his throat. His voice was husky with held back sobs. Suddenly he was glad the graveyard was empty.
"I...I just wanted to...uh... talk to you..." He said, and furiously wiped the tears out of his eyes.
"Actually I feel weird doing this. I've never... never uh... done this before. But I have something I need to tell...you. And... and I never got to before." He stuttered out, and put his hands in his pockets, tracing her name with his eyes.
"Emily... I miss you so much. You were a part of me. You helped me... through everything. You still do. And I... never appreciated it enough when you were still here. I never told you how much you mean to me." Reid said, and sniffed in the silent evening.
The sun was setting quicker now, and it was getting progressively darker. But he didn't care.
"I feel like... like I'm lost. There's no sense to anything anymore. Everything's broken. I'm... I'm broken too. You were like... the... the glue. You kept us together." He confessed to her stone.
"God, you were so brave Emily. You were so strong, so much stronger than the rest of us and... and I just can't believe you're gone. And I feel like it's my fault. I just..." He paused to choke back a sob in the cooling air. His legs felt like they were going to give out.
But the thought that maybe she heard him was enough to keep him talking.
"I have so much guilt in me. And I... I can't get it out Prentiss. It won't go away. And it hurts so much because I want it gone. Because... I can't stop blaming myself..." He admitted to nobody in particular. He was sure everyone else already knew.
"But I know you wouldn't want that... I just can't get rid of it." He explained, looking at the grass on top of her. "But the... the real reason I'm here is because there's something I need you to understand if... if you're actually listening."
"You... You were a part of me. And without you I feel like I'm not even alive anymore. I miss you. Every part of you... I just... I miss your smile..." He said, and gave in to the tears bursting from his eyes.
"And I miss your eyes, and the way they lit up when you were happy. And I just wish I could see you happy again Emily. Because you were so beautiful. And you deserved happiness not...not this."
Reid began to sob then, unable to hold it in himself. He sunk to the grass, not caring if it stained his pants.
"You just made everything so perfect." He said between sobs. "You were perfect and we let him get to you and... and... and I just can't get it out of my head that you left us."
"And I know it isn't your fault but I... I can't get over the fact that... that you thought you needed to do that. You didn't Emily! We could have..." He sobbed again. "have protected you. And ourselves and it all would have been okay and..."
"And I could see you again. And hug you and we could go to the movies like we used to. It's not the same anymore. I want to... hug you so much. You made everything so happy." He confessed.
The sun had almost fully set, and he could barely see his hands anymore. But it didn't matter because he needed to tell her this.
"I... I loved you Emily. I still love you. And now... now I can't tell you that. And it hurts so much because I want you to know that."
"I'm so mad at Morgan. And I know I shouldn't be, it's not logical but..." He paused to choke back another cry. "He got to say goodbye. He got to hold your hand. And I want to hold your hand Em. I want to hold it and never let go but I can't because you're... you're gone."
"And I can't see you anymore. I'll never get to bring you coffee in the morning again, never get to throw popcorn at you on the couch and... god I'll never get to smell your perfume again."
"I don't even know what perfume it was. And now I'll never ever know. And this... this just isn't fair. Why did you have to go Emily? Why didn't you hold on?" He asked, even though he knew no answer would come.
"I needed you to hold on. I needed you. I still do." Spencer confessed.
"I regret so much. I regret not spending more time with you... and I regret the fact that... that I never told you this when you could still hear me."
"Because I think to would have made you smile. And maybe blush too but... but that would have been okay because you were so pretty when you blushed." He admitted, possibly blushing slightly himself.
"I want to talk to you too Emily. You gave such good advice. Even though I'm a genius, half the time I have no idea what to do. But you always knew and... and I just wish you could tell me what to do right now."
"Because I don't know. I really don't know if I can even do my job anymore. And I still have headaches and... and what if I really am schizophrenic? Then what?" He asked in the darkness.
"I'm falling apart. And I don't know what to do."
XXX
JJ sat in her locked office, her heart ripping to shreds.
The government had put a microphone near Emily's 'grave' in order to hear if Doyle or his men came back, hoping they could make an arrest on voice identification.
And now she was listening to Reid cry in the night, confessing everything to Emily. JJ felt as though she was invading into something extremely personal but... she just couldn't stop listening to the file on her computer.
"I want to talk to you too Emily. You gave such good advice. Even though I'm a genius, half the time I have no idea what to do. But you always knew and... and I just wish you could tell me what to do right now."
Spencer sounded as though he was legitimately going to crumble. He sounded so weak and alone, it was a fight for JJ just to remain in her office, and not drive down there right now. But she couldn't, because that would give everything away.
"Because I don't know. I really don't know if I can even do my job anymore. And I still have headaches and... and what if I really am schizophrenic? Then what?"
Reid asked and sounded like a small, scared boy. Now JJ wondered if they'd made the wrong decision by not telling the team the truth. She knew it was a breach of security and all that but... god, just listening to his strained voice was torture.
"I'm falling apart. And I don't know what to do."
The last statement pushed JJ into her own sobs, no longer caring who heard. Her door was locked and her blinds were closed. She just didn't care.
Because Reid needed someone who wasn't there, things that couldn't be done and answers that couldn't be told.
And that could quite possibly be her fault.
More tears consumed her as she went to exit the audio file, thinking he was done talking. But to her surprise, he said one last thing before she heard his distancing footsteps.
"I love you. And if you can hear me Emily, don't ever, ever think I don't. You'll always be in my heart."
The End.
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