A/N: I literally haven't been able to write a single word for a week after seeing the Freeform promo, and I think you guys know what I mean. I just couldn't. Then I saw 6x11 and it only got worse, because I had such a bad feeling after watching it. The thing I found really awful was that I barely recognized Hanna and Caleb...especially Caleb. He seemed a totally different person and it seriously broke my heart. That's how this shot came. Now I know that the last thing you need right now is reading angst, but that's the only thing I managed to write during these days. I'm not gonna bore you saying how I can't stand the actual Haleb situation and stuff because I know that we all feel the same. I just think that this time the authors crossed a line. Anyway, nothing, give it a chance if you want and let me know how it is. And no, there's nothing related to Spencer down here, so you can read without puking. x
You wake up in the middle of the night.
You're sweating, panting.
You haven't eaten anything for the whole day, nevertheless you have this horrible feeling at the tip of your stomach.
You feel sick.
You need to throw up.
Then you turn around to the other side of the bed.
It's empty.
She's not there.
You always wake up in the middle of the night hoping to find her next to you, but she's not there.
And you know she won't come back.
She's been gone for almost two weeks and you still feel like this.
You've spent the last two weeks drinking and sleeping, not saying a single word, and if you're not doing anyone of the two, you're just still as your eyes get puffy because of the tears you try to hold back, not succeeding.
Your hand reaches out and slowly strokes the cold sheets by your side.
You can still see her there, naked, under the blankets of your bed, lying on her stomach with her face turned to the side so that you can look at her sleeping face, her bare back left exposed because the blankets cover her just down her waist.
She had always that cute smile while sleeping, and you loved waking up in the middle of the night to see her there.
You would reach out to move a lock of her hair off her forehead and mirror her smile, even though she would be sleeping and she wouldn't be able to see it.
But now you can't do any of that.
You miss her so much that is almost ridicolous.
You miss everything of her.
Every smile, every whispered word, every gesture.
You miss watching her every night, after making love, close her eyes and slowly fall asleep between your arms.
You miss seeing her eyes open every morning, knowing you would be the only one who would have the chance to see it.
You miss her kisses.
You miss her hugs.
You miss her smell.
You miss her smile, her laugh.
You miss watching her from your bed as she gets ready for work.
You miss her texts during the day.
You miss hearing her sing.
You miss bringing her breakfast to bed on Sunday mornings and then, after that, staying in bed with her, cuddling for the whole day.
You miss your walks hand in hand through Central Park.
You miss coming home and finding her already there, smiling up at you in front of the table already set for dinner.
You miss being with her on the couch in the evening, just watching TV after a long day, when she would slip her heels off and ask you for a footrub with her best puppy eyes, and you know you would never say no.
You miss carrying her to bed when she would fall asleep on the couch, even if she would always end up waking up, whispering the sweetest 'I love you' as you lay her down and kiss her forehead.
You miss when she wouldn't fall asleep but instead she would start undressing you while stumbling from your small living room to your bedroom, barely letting you breath because of her kisses.
You miss when, with one last thrust, her face lights up but her eyes gently flutter shut, then your name falls from her perfect rose lips and she grips onto your shoulders like you're her rock.
You rub your eyes tiredly before slipping out of a bed too empty to be comfortable.
It's around four in the morning, your apartment is cold and your throat is dry.
You open the fridge but then close it shut, snorting.
Then you open the sideboard and pull out a bottle of bourbon, quickly pouring a glass before drying it out in just one long sip.
You squeeze your eyes shut and slam the glass back on the wooden table, titling your head back as a sigh escapes from your mouth.
It hurts, it hurts so much, it hurts too much.
You get up, walk to the nearest window and stare outside at the dark sky of New York, where the life of your dreams had begun.
But where it ended too.
You rest your forehead against the window, watching as a cab speeds by, wondering if it's the same she took to go away.
You sigh again.
Her absence is killing you, your heart feels heavy yet totally empty.
This pain is unbearable.
Maybe the love you two had was too big for a girl and a guy that young.
The only thing you know for sure is that you will never forget the girl who saved you, who literally picked you up from the street and gave you a home, without asking for anything in return.
And she had slowly become your heart's home.
She helped you find your family, she taught you the meaning of the word 'love', you basically grew up together.
And now she's gone.
As your eyes start getting watery again, you hear a light knock on the door.
Your head jerks around, your eyes study the closed door.
It's four in the morning, who could it be?
You haven't seen anyone in weeks.
You slowly walk to the door and open it with a tired look on your face.
That's her.
You can't believe it.
She's back.
She looks beautiful, even though you can tell she has been crying.
A smile escapes from your lips when she looks up at you, and in a matter of seconds, she's smiling too.
"I love you." she whispers.
"I love you too." you whisper back before pulling her close to kiss her.
...
Then you wake up, in the middle of the night.
You're sweating, panting.
You haven't eaten anything for the whole day, nevertheless you have this horrible feeling at the tip of your stomach.
You feel sick.
You need to throw up.
Then you turn around to the other side of the bed.
It's empty.
It's still empty.
She's not there.
She hasn't come back.
You always wake up in the middle of the night hoping to find her next to you, but she's not there.
And you know she won't come back.
Never.
That's when you scream.
You scream days of silence out.
You scream your pain out.
You can't do this, you can't do this anymore.
You loved her so much that it worn yourself out.
You just want to turn yourself off like you were a machine, but you can't.
You hope you're gonna learn to do that with time.
Caleb Rivers, you have never had an easy life.
You believe in just a few things, but you believe whole hog in those few things.
Hanna Marin was one of them.
But now she's gone.
And you know she won't come back.